Danger! In the kitchen.

Racouol
Racouol Posts: 53 Member
edited November 14 in Recipes
I have recently started my diet and I have come to the conclusion that a diet of 7-11, Jack-in-the-box, and Arby's just is not going to work. Once again I am going to attempt to learn how to cook or die trying.

I have attempted to learn how to cook several times before and I got the scars to prove it. Poisoned myself more times than I can count. Nearly cut of several of my fingers and a few of my toes. Even managed to set my leg on fire while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It doesn't help that I am getting multiple equipment failure such as knives and can openers breaking, the heating element of my electric stove snapping in half, and even had the nearby transformer randomly explode while I was cooking.

Any advice you guys can give me will be a great help. I will be collecting these advice while I empty out my storage room and turn it back into a kitchen. Probably should empty out my pantry and restock it seeing as the newest thing in there expired in 2013. Thank you.
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Replies

  • Susieq_1994
    Susieq_1994 Posts: 5,361 Member
    And I thought *I* had clumsiness issues. :astonished:
  • bioklutz
    bioklutz Posts: 1,365 Member
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,262 Member
    use recipes on line. follow them step by step
    Lots of vegetables come ready chopped. Some meats ready to pop in the oven.
    Good luck and well done for trying

  • kenyonhaff
    kenyonhaff Posts: 1,377 Member
    There are many good YouTube videos on cooking basics, WikiHow has good articles and simple recipes. Alton Brown on the Food Network does a great job explaining cooking with a sense of humor, explaining the chemistry, dispelling myths, and so on.
  • LenGray
    LenGray Posts: 858 Member
    I'd recommend starting with a slow cooker and starting from scratch. Look up how to do something on Youtube or Google, even if it's just peeling and chopping potatoes. Learn about kitchen safety and hygiene.

    Don't expect everything to come out well on the first try...or the second. Look up beginner recipes, either through cookbooks or through Googling 'easy, healthy ___' Another way to find easy recipes is to search by the amount of ingredients. A 'three-ingredient chili' is going to be easier to make than a 'ten-ingredient chili'.

    Most of all, be patient and aware of your skill level.

    My dad has cut/burnt himself more times than I can count trying to copy what I do in the kitchen. I can be chopping 3 or 4 carrots, sautéing some onions, and grinding up some oatmeal flour at the same time-- but I cook nearly every day for several hours a day and have made these things before. I know the timing and have the skills. My dad cooks about twice a month for around 30 minutes. It makes sense that he can't do what I can.

    Likewise, don't look at a Youtuber or Food Network program and think that you can do what they do right out of the gate.

    Good luck. May the odds be ever in your favor.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
    edited December 2016
    aylajane wrote: »
    bioklutz wrote: »
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.

    I am with the OP - the "kitchen" (as they call it) is a dangerous place and the microwave is not a safety net! Christmas day I attempted to "reheat" some ham my stepmother so graciously let me bring home the day before. Immediately the microwave started smoking and popping and the smoke alarm went off. Not sure what was in that ham (it was delicious still, though no very hot except in one or two particular spots that were burned). But the microwave did not like it!

    I also nearly burned my house down as a teenager trying to boil water. We had a melted range hood for many years after that, and the fire department put our house on speed dial.

    I have spent 30 minutes making "instant" pudding ("add milk, stir" were the directions) - and it was inedible.

    I made a boxed cake that was white and fluffy on the cover, that came out yellow cornbread after an hour of trying to follow the directions.

    No - I am not a general moron. I have a master's degree in computer science, with minors in math, philosophy, physics and nuclear medicine technology. I am "selectively" intelligent :) I have determined that if cooking were purely "science" i would be an expert. But it appears to be an art form as well - which is where I fall flat on my face!

    I have lived most of my adult life on food you can get from a gas station. And eggs. I have found that no matter what you do to an egg, I can still eat it. Nobody else will, but I will :)

    Was it in foil? :huh:
  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 593 Member
    Do you have any friends/relatives that can teach you a few easy recipes? Slow cooking is good, plus food can be portioned and frozen which will help with food prep and logging. eggs and microwaveable rice/quinoa are quick and simple alternatives to actual 'cooking'.
  • NeuronsNeuronsNeurons
    NeuronsNeuronsNeurons Posts: 83 Member
    thanks for the hilarious post!!! :D My local community college offers cooking classes for next to nothing (~$90 + cost of food) that meets on Thursdays at 8pm or 9pm at local high schools (with kitchens). I'm signing up for an Indian Food class. I've been cooking since I could reach the stove as a latch-key kid but I want to learn authentic preparation (clay pots, etc.). They offer more basic classes as well, something you might look into!
  • myheartsabattleground
    myheartsabattleground Posts: 2,040 Member
    https://youtube.com/user/chefsteps/videos

    You're welcome!
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    Racouol wrote: »
    Thank you everyone for the advice so far. As for the slow-cooker thank you for reminding me that I need to buy a new one. Last one I had cracked in half while I was trying to chisel out a failed meal.

    Wow! Tell me you're kidding.
  • Racouol
    Racouol Posts: 53 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    Racouol wrote: »
    Thank you everyone for the advice so far. As for the slow-cooker thank you for reminding me that I need to buy a new one. Last one I had cracked in half while I was trying to chisel out a failed meal.

    Wow! Tell me you're kidding.

    Wish I was. :(
  • Monkey_Business
    Monkey_Business Posts: 1,800 Member
    Hire a cook :-)
  • aylajane
    aylajane Posts: 979 Member
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    aylajane wrote: »
    bioklutz wrote: »
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.

    I am with the OP - the "kitchen" (as they call it) is a dangerous place and the microwave is not a safety net! Christmas day I attempted to "reheat" some ham my stepmother so graciously let me bring home the day before. Immediately the microwave started smoking and popping and the smoke alarm went off. Not sure what was in that ham (it was delicious still, though no very hot except in one or two particular spots that were burned). But the microwave did not like it!

    I also nearly burned my house down as a teenager trying to boil water. We had a melted range hood for many years after that, and the fire department put our house on speed dial.

    I have spent 30 minutes making "instant" pudding ("add milk, stir" were the directions) - and it was inedible.

    I made a boxed cake that was white and fluffy on the cover, that came out yellow cornbread after an hour of trying to follow the directions.

    No - I am not a general moron. I have a master's degree in computer science, with minors in math, philosophy, physics and nuclear medicine technology. I am "selectively" intelligent :) I have determined that if cooking were purely "science" i would be an expert. But it appears to be an art form as well - which is where I fall flat on my face!

    I have lived most of my adult life on food you can get from a gas station. And eggs. I have found that no matter what you do to an egg, I can still eat it. Nobody else will, but I will :)

    Was it in foil? :huh:

    NO! It was on a plastic plate from ikea, they melt all the time in there but usually not unless I leave it longer than 2 minutes, and never with smoke! The plate was intact, and it was only in there 30 seconds cause the smoke alarms went off. All it had on it was the ham. It did have a rind (that I ate)...?? otherwise, not a clue! Microwave has worked fine since!
  • Racouol
    Racouol Posts: 53 Member
    Monkey_Business wrote: »
    Hire a cook :-)

    Don't have that kind of money
  • CafeRacer808
    CafeRacer808 Posts: 2,396 Member
    Agree that slow cooking is a great way to start. Cooking shows are great sources of information (technique, ingredients, etc), inspiration and motivation to get into the kitchen. Meal delivery services like Blue Apron, Plated, Home Chef etc are also a good way to learn, I've found.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
    If it's that bad, I would recommend cooking classes. There should be a university near you that offers them or if not the local culinary institute most likely does. They are generally not all that expensive and there are usually different classes at different times for different lengths.

    Cooking for me has always been a way of life, but my mother taught me how to cook when I was very young. I imagine there are some things that can be lost in translation about cooking if you don't know the basics or never had anyone to show you which is why I would recommend the classes or getting someone you know who is a good cook and has patience to teach you the basics.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    edited December 2016
    I melted a chair seat making popcorn when I was 6 years old. I persisted in cooking and never melt furniture now.
    Get a basic cookbook. A children's cookbook or Better Homes & Gardens Cookbook will have basic recipes and talk about safety, cooking terms and equipment. https://www.amazon.com/Better-Homes-Gardens-Cook-Book/dp/0470560770
    If you know someone who can cook have them teach you some basics or take a class.
    Don't try to be creative. Have a recipe. Read it thoroughly before you start until you understand what you will be doing. Gather your ingredients. Follow directions. Cook food for the minimum recommended time and then check for doneness.
    Buy frozen vegetables that are precut and fast to cook. There are simple prepartion directions on the package.
    Soup can be easy and forgiving for a beginner cook.
    Pick foods you have had before so you know what they are supposed to look and taste like.
    Choose dishes with fewer ingredients and steps to start with. Baking a plain chicken breast for example involves little more than turning the oven to the proper temperature, putting the chicken in a baking dish, putting it in the oven and letting it cook the right length of time.

    You may benefit from having a food processor to chop food, a meat thermometor, slow cooker, kitchen scale, measuring cups/spoons, working stove/oven, good knives, oven mitts. Care for your equipment.

    I have stainless steel pans or cast iron and they are very durable. I have glass or metal baking dishes. I don't use a microwave but if you do then do not put metal in the microwave.
    Not all dishes are oven/microwave safe. Check before using.

    http://www.stilltasty.com can tell you how long a food is good for.




  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    If it's really that bad, I'd recommend some cooking classes. They're usually pretty cheap at community colleges and the like. Personally, I've always had the view point that if you can read and follow directions, you can cook...
  • ShaleSelkies
    ShaleSelkies Posts: 251 Member
    Maybe starting by just using the stove to heat up soups from the can and the like would be a good start as opposed to trying to make things yourself right away. Other than that though I agree that following a basic cookbook or cooking classes would be a good idea for you - whether from a friend or the local uni.
  • WatchJoshLift
    WatchJoshLift Posts: 520 Member
    I honestly do not believe any of what the OP posted. That's just crazy.
  • Racouol
    Racouol Posts: 53 Member
    dragon_girl26 wrote: »
    I just can't resist asking...how does a person catch their leg on fire while making a peanut butter and jelly?

    It involves me making lunch in the wood along side a bunch of hikers. One had a whisperlite they were trying to light that I managed to knock over causing the flaming fuel to spill onto the picnic table and spill down one of the cracks that my leg was under. Very hairy legs plus flaming fuel equals leg on fire.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Lol OP. I hear you though, I really wasn't much of a cook before either. But I learned.

    Start easy... buy a crockpot and follow crockpot recipes. Or buy frozen steamable veggies and a George Foreman grill - then just microwave the veggies and pop some meat or sausage on the grill (buy a meat thermometer so you're sure it's cooked and you don't poison yourself, lol). You can do it in a pan too though... just keep an eye on it and flip it occasionally (or just put some salt and pepper on a piece of fish, put it on a sheet on aluminum foil and bake it at 350 for 20 minutes).

    For what it's worth, I still cut myself most of the time when I cut veggies (had to google how to chop onions at one point too), and I managed to burn myself on a friend's oven last week when making lasagna. So it's not just you, lol. But I love food and I had to learn how to make what I want to eat, or I would never have lost the weight.
  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
    bioklutz wrote: »
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.

    It's actually printed on my microwave (and in the instructions) to put a metal spoon in cups of liquid in the microwave. I thought it was an error when I first saw it, but apparently it's standard now for modern microwaves.
  • not_my_first_rodeo
    not_my_first_rodeo Posts: 311 Member
    Go get yourself a copy of this book (probably could find in the library too): How to Cook Everything: The Basics
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