Danger! In the kitchen.

Racouol
Racouol Posts: 53 Member
in Recipes
I have recently started my diet and I have come to the conclusion that a diet of 7-11, Jack-in-the-box, and Arby's just is not going to work. Once again I am going to attempt to learn how to cook or die trying.

I have attempted to learn how to cook several times before and I got the scars to prove it. Poisoned myself more times than I can count. Nearly cut of several of my fingers and a few of my toes. Even managed to set my leg on fire while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It doesn't help that I am getting multiple equipment failure such as knives and can openers breaking, the heating element of my electric stove snapping in half, and even had the nearby transformer randomly explode while I was cooking.

Any advice you guys can give me will be a great help. I will be collecting these advice while I empty out my storage room and turn it back into a kitchen. Probably should empty out my pantry and restock it seeing as the newest thing in there expired in 2013. Thank you.
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Replies

  • Susieq_1994
    Susieq_1994 Posts: 5,361 Member
    And I thought *I* had clumsiness issues. :astonished:
  • bioklutz
    bioklutz Posts: 1,365 Member
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
    use recipes on line. follow them step by step
    Lots of vegetables come ready chopped. Some meats ready to pop in the oven.
    Good luck and well done for trying

  • kenyonhaff
    kenyonhaff Posts: 1,377 Member
    There are many good YouTube videos on cooking basics, WikiHow has good articles and simple recipes. Alton Brown on the Food Network does a great job explaining cooking with a sense of humor, explaining the chemistry, dispelling myths, and so on.
  • LenGray
    LenGray Posts: 842 Member
    I'd recommend starting with a slow cooker and starting from scratch. Look up how to do something on Youtube or Google, even if it's just peeling and chopping potatoes. Learn about kitchen safety and hygiene.

    Don't expect everything to come out well on the first try...or the second. Look up beginner recipes, either through cookbooks or through Googling 'easy, healthy ___' Another way to find easy recipes is to search by the amount of ingredients. A 'three-ingredient chili' is going to be easier to make than a 'ten-ingredient chili'.

    Most of all, be patient and aware of your skill level.

    My dad has cut/burnt himself more times than I can count trying to copy what I do in the kitchen. I can be chopping 3 or 4 carrots, sautéing some onions, and grinding up some oatmeal flour at the same time-- but I cook nearly every day for several hours a day and have made these things before. I know the timing and have the skills. My dad cooks about twice a month for around 30 minutes. It makes sense that he can't do what I can.

    Likewise, don't look at a Youtuber or Food Network program and think that you can do what they do right out of the gate.

    Good luck. May the odds be ever in your favor.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
    edited December 2016
    aylajane wrote: »
    bioklutz wrote: »
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.

    I am with the OP - the "kitchen" (as they call it) is a dangerous place and the microwave is not a safety net! Christmas day I attempted to "reheat" some ham my stepmother so graciously let me bring home the day before. Immediately the microwave started smoking and popping and the smoke alarm went off. Not sure what was in that ham (it was delicious still, though no very hot except in one or two particular spots that were burned). But the microwave did not like it!

    I also nearly burned my house down as a teenager trying to boil water. We had a melted range hood for many years after that, and the fire department put our house on speed dial.

    I have spent 30 minutes making "instant" pudding ("add milk, stir" were the directions) - and it was inedible.

    I made a boxed cake that was white and fluffy on the cover, that came out yellow cornbread after an hour of trying to follow the directions.

    No - I am not a general moron. I have a master's degree in computer science, with minors in math, philosophy, physics and nuclear medicine technology. I am "selectively" intelligent :) I have determined that if cooking were purely "science" i would be an expert. But it appears to be an art form as well - which is where I fall flat on my face!

    I have lived most of my adult life on food you can get from a gas station. And eggs. I have found that no matter what you do to an egg, I can still eat it. Nobody else will, but I will :)

    Was it in foil? :huh:
  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 593 Member
    Do you have any friends/relatives that can teach you a few easy recipes? Slow cooking is good, plus food can be portioned and frozen which will help with food prep and logging. eggs and microwaveable rice/quinoa are quick and simple alternatives to actual 'cooking'.
  • NeuronsNeuronsNeurons
    NeuronsNeuronsNeurons Posts: 83 Member
    thanks for the hilarious post!!! :D My local community college offers cooking classes for next to nothing (~$90 + cost of food) that meets on Thursdays at 8pm or 9pm at local high schools (with kitchens). I'm signing up for an Indian Food class. I've been cooking since I could reach the stove as a latch-key kid but I want to learn authentic preparation (clay pots, etc.). They offer more basic classes as well, something you might look into!
  • myheartsabattleground
    myheartsabattleground Posts: 2,040 Member
    https://youtube.com/user/chefsteps/videos

    You're welcome!
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,400 Member
    Racouol wrote: »
    Thank you everyone for the advice so far. As for the slow-cooker thank you for reminding me that I need to buy a new one. Last one I had cracked in half while I was trying to chisel out a failed meal.

    Wow! Tell me you're kidding.
  • Racouol
    Racouol Posts: 53 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    Racouol wrote: »
    Thank you everyone for the advice so far. As for the slow-cooker thank you for reminding me that I need to buy a new one. Last one I had cracked in half while I was trying to chisel out a failed meal.

    Wow! Tell me you're kidding.

    Wish I was. :(
  • Monkey_Business
    Monkey_Business Posts: 1,800 Member
    Hire a cook :-)
  • aylajane
    aylajane Posts: 979 Member
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    aylajane wrote: »
    bioklutz wrote: »
    Don't put anything metal in that microwave! No spoons, forks, knives, foil. This could cause a fire.

    http://foodal.com/knowledge/how-to/kitchen-safety-avoid-cuts/

    You could get a food processor and let the machine do all the chopping.

    I am with the OP - the "kitchen" (as they call it) is a dangerous place and the microwave is not a safety net! Christmas day I attempted to "reheat" some ham my stepmother so graciously let me bring home the day before. Immediately the microwave started smoking and popping and the smoke alarm went off. Not sure what was in that ham (it was delicious still, though no very hot except in one or two particular spots that were burned). But the microwave did not like it!

    I also nearly burned my house down as a teenager trying to boil water. We had a melted range hood for many years after that, and the fire department put our house on speed dial.

    I have spent 30 minutes making "instant" pudding ("add milk, stir" were the directions) - and it was inedible.

    I made a boxed cake that was white and fluffy on the cover, that came out yellow cornbread after an hour of trying to follow the directions.

    No - I am not a general moron. I have a master's degree in computer science, with minors in math, philosophy, physics and nuclear medicine technology. I am "selectively" intelligent :) I have determined that if cooking were purely "science" i would be an expert. But it appears to be an art form as well - which is where I fall flat on my face!

    I have lived most of my adult life on food you can get from a gas station. And eggs. I have found that no matter what you do to an egg, I can still eat it. Nobody else will, but I will :)

    Was it in foil? :huh:

    NO! It was on a plastic plate from ikea, they melt all the time in there but usually not unless I leave it longer than 2 minutes, and never with smoke! The plate was intact, and it was only in there 30 seconds cause the smoke alarms went off. All it had on it was the ham. It did have a rind (that I ate)...?? otherwise, not a clue! Microwave has worked fine since!
  • Racouol
    Racouol Posts: 53 Member
    Monkey_Business wrote: »
    Hire a cook :-)

    Don't have that kind of money

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