The empty chair beside me.

The_Movie_Chair
The_Movie_Chair Posts: 112 Member
edited January 2017 in Motivation and Support
The seat beside me was empty. Nobody wanted to sit there and the realization that I am now one of the very big people hurt.

Girl’s night out. The ladies are my friends, we like each other and we meet once a month. This was the first time we went to the movies together. ‘Let’s spread out,’ one said when she realized she would have been the one sitting beside me. She climbed up a row and sat behind me instead. I don’t blame her. I don’t think I ever noticed how big I am until yesterday in the movie theater. Nobody would be comfortable beside me, I need so much space.

I had been looking forward to the film but didn’t enjoy it at all. I couldn’t concentrate. I thought about the empty seat and what it stands for. I am big! I am obese! Some even might call me fat.
The seats in the movie theater are bigger now than they have been years ago; still, I hardly fit in. My arms have to be on the armrest, there is no space left. ‘I wouldn’t want to sit beside myself either,’ I thought and I felt such a mix of emotions. I felt like crying, I felt hurt, I felt disgust and anger toward my lifestyle and my bad eating habits.

I came home furious with myself. I don’t exercise. I hardly walk, I drive everywhere. I can't walk far and I need to sit down all the time. My husband went to bed and I stayed up. I sat there in the dark and thought about my life. I am at a crossroad now. Either I continue doing what I am doing, and I am willing to deal with all the health consequences it will bring, or I start to change things.

I felt sorry for myself for a while, there were some tears and then I got angry.

In the middle of the night, I started to clean out the pantry and the freezer. Made room in the fridge, threw things out left and right.

I don’t know when I signed up here first. I think it was 3 years ago. Sometimes I come here and check out the success stories, or look up meals, but I never come back the next day. Today I came back, changed my name to The_Movie_Chair because I never want to forget how I felt yesterday.

The empty seat in the movie theater will be my motivation. I am not sure how to ask for support and friends but I hope it will find me. Nothing is fun alone. Today I started.
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Replies

  • cathipa
    cathipa Posts: 2,991 Member
    We've all been there at some point. Glad to see you are motivated and I hope to see your success story at some point. You are worth it!
  • dazaliah
    dazaliah Posts: 37 Member
    You can do this. Commit again every day. Log your food, every day. Be honest with yourself. Find out why you over-eat (I'm an emotional eater). Change one thing at a time. Forgive yourself and start every day fresh.
  • dejavuohlala
    dejavuohlala Posts: 1,821 Member
    The_Movie_Chair wrote: »
    The seat beside me was empty. Nobody wanted to sit there and the realization that I am now one of the very big people hurt.

    Girl’s night out. The ladies are my friends, we like each other and we meet once a month. This was the first time we went to the movies together. ‘Let’s spread out,’ one said when she realized she would have been the one sitting beside me. She climbed up a row and sat behind me instead. I don’t blame her. I don’t think I ever noticed how big I am until yesterday in the movie theater. Nobody would be comfortable beside me, I need so much space.

    I had been looking forward to the film but didn’t enjoy it at all. I couldn’t concentrate. I thought about the empty seat and what it stands for. I am big! I am obese! Some even might call me fat.
    The seats in the movie theater are bigger now than they have been years ago; still, I hardly fit in. My arms have to be on the armrest, there is no space left. ‘I wouldn’t want to sit beside myself either,’ I thought and I felt such a mix of emotions. I felt like crying, I felt hurt, I felt disgust and anger toward my lifestyle and my bad eating habits.

    I came home furious with myself. I don’t exercise. I hardly walk, I drive everywhere. I can't walk far and I need to sit down all the time. My husband went to bed and I stayed up. I sat there in the dark and thought about my life. I am at a crossroad now. Either I continue doing what I am doing, and I am willing to deal with all the health consequences it will bring, or I start to change things.

    I felt sorry for myself for a while, there were some tears and then I got angry.

    In the middle of the night, I started to clean out the pantry and the freezer. Made room in the fridge, threw things out left and right.

    I don’t know when I signed up here first. I think it was 3 years ago. Sometimes I come here and check out the success stories, or look up meals, but I never come back the next day. Today I came back, changed my name to The_Movie_Chair because I never want to forget how I felt yesterday.

    The empty seat in the movie theater will be my motivation. I am not sure how to ask for support and friends but I hope it will find me. Nothing is fun alone. Today I started.

    What a touching read. I'm so sorry to read you feel like this. You can do this, yes it will take time and it's not quick. Start by entering your details on MFP and it will tell you your daily calories allowance, next start logging all that you eat and drink honestly. Then if you have an open diary any friends you chose on here can help you with making done changes for healthier options. Please don't suffer alone, reach out to us and send us a friend request I think you will find it really does help. Take care and very good luck.
  • WinoGelato
    WinoGelato Posts: 13,454 Member
    edited January 2017
    The_Movie_Chair wrote: »
    AnAbsoluteDiva wrote: »
    I am so glad you have realized what the extra weight means not only to you, but to others around you. I fly a lot and when I have to sit next to someone who is too big for the seat, I wanna cry. The worst trips are those to the Far East where I am literally in that seat, all cramped up, for 12 hours or more. Keep that in mind and you'll push through and do what's right for you and for your family.

    And I thought I had my low point last night. I am speechless.

    I'm sorry you had that experience at the movies but I am also confident that you will use this as motivation. This is a great, supportive community filled with people who will hold your hand or kick your butt - whichever style fits you best.

    Consistency is key, as is making small, changes that you can build upon. I suggest starting with reading the Most Helpful Stickied Posts at the top of each forum section so that you are armed with good information about how to maximize your success and work through some of the most common challenges people run into here.

  • leeshults
    leeshults Posts: 223 Member
    edited January 2017
    wow....some people are so insensitive. I'm sorry you were hurt. We have all been there and there is no bigger support group than on this site. That being said there are also some clods on here too. Ignore them.... search out the folks that are truly on your side. Don't give up....
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    What a wonderfully inspiring post. Thank you for putting it out there and having the courage to change. Feel free to friend me if you want. I've lost 55 pounds in the last 12 months, and while it's been one of the hardest things I've ever done, it's also been completely worth it. I KNOW you can do it.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
    At a certain point, I gave up on losing the weight. It was too hard, I didn't want to change, and I felt like I was 'fine' the way I was. I felt like I had to change everything about myself and I just didn't have it in me.

    I went on a shopping trip to buy new clothes (because none of my old ones would fit), I sized up a few sizes because I knew I had gained weight, and nothing would fit. I had a breakdown right in the middle of the fitting room. How could I have let myself get to this point?

    I started small. Just logging my food. Being honest with myself. Trying to make small changes. Eventually, all those small changes added up. I'm down about 20 lbs now from my start weight 11 weeks ago.

    The first day is the hardest. But it does get easier.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    Welcome to OP. Thanks for sharing all that. I know it hurt, but those kind of things can be a real wake-up call. Mine was some photos.

    MFP offers a lot of you want to take advantage of it (and some things best ignored). I was surprised at how much I enjoyed logging once I got the hang of it! I ended up losing nearly 100 lbs (been maintaining for a while but keep thinking I'll get to that number eventually), but really just making the commitment and getting started and feeling in control again made such a huge difference, as did every little milestone on the scale, and the other goals I built in relating to exercise and activity. Some enjoy various groups too (I did a holiday challenge when I started that is still continuing 3 years later).
  • HippySkoppy
    HippySkoppy Posts: 725 Member
    @The_Movie_Chair I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I have been there too, I think most of us on here would have had similar feelings and despair at one point or another.

    I want to welcome you here to MFP. This site was a game changer for me when I joined way back in April 2011. Since that time I have lost all the weight I wanted 168 lbs and have maintained that loss to 4 years despite very different health circumstances in the last 3'ish years.

    I have learned so much here about nutrition. Attitudes towards foods and gotten help with how to be as active as I can despite illness. I am so much better (mostly) at dealing with the awful mental effects of body dysmorphia and subsequent ED, due to the support and knowledge I have gained. I get inspired daily by others on here who are achieving 'their' goals every single day.

    I have made friends here too. True friends, even though it is unlikely I will ever meet them in person. That gives me a space in which to discuss diet, macro's, determine facts from Woo (ie ridiculous low calorie diets you see in magazines) you may find that part helpful too.

    I was 48 when I had my 'moment'. I weighed 278 lbs, I was depressed and in a lot of pain, some of which was due to the stress on my joints. Unlike you, I was isolated and didn't have friends so even though you feel awful at the moment you obviously have some wonderful points about you that draws people to you. Remember, you are never just the number on the scale!!

    I will send you a friend request.

    I wish you all the best.
  • CrazyDaisyMom
    CrazyDaisyMom Posts: 79 Member
    While my heart hurts for you having to go through that, I'm so happy that you're here. 2017 is going to be your year!!!
  • not_my_first_rodeo
    not_my_first_rodeo Posts: 311 Member
    You are in the right place and you can do this!
  • TheUntamedMainer
    TheUntamedMainer Posts: 26 Member
    You're amazing. Please add me!
  • NEOHgirl
    NEOHgirl Posts: 237 Member
    ((HUGS)) I cannot believe that your friend made you feel that way. For whatever brought you back, welcome, and way to go making a decision to get healthier for YOU. You deserve it. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be fast, but it CAN be done. I’ve got some more to go, but I’ve managed to maintain a 50+ lb loss. I’ve done it while dealing with medical conditions and injuries as well as some of the previous posters. It makes it more challenging, but NOT impossible. Great job cleaning out the pantry & fridge right away, so that you are not as tempted to ignore urge to get healthier when you wake up. I agree that you should take this week and just track what you are already doing. Next week, tweak the MFP settings to a goal of weight loss. You decide if you want to start with larger goals (2# per week loss) or ease into it with a target of .5-1# loss per week. Whatever you think you can stick with easier, pick that one. You can always change that later as you get more comfortable with your new routine and levels. For exercise, whatever you are capable of now, do it. If that is only walking the length of your driveway and back one time, do that every day. If you have stairs, maybe go up & down one extra time. Walk in place during tv commercials. Play your fave song and dance like nobody’s watching for the 3 minutes or so that it plays. Next week, make it 2 times up the driveway, or put on a 2nd song. Small batches of movement throughout the day are just as good as one long workout:
    http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=118017

    And finally, pick small goals along the way, and reward yourself for them. It’s going to be a long journey, and if you don’t keep yourself motivated it can be very easy to develop fatigue and take a break that lasts months. Go 10lbs at a time, or reward yourself with something nice every time you meet a fitness goal. Your rewards should be non-food related, and something small that you enjoy. I’m a reader, so often for me it is a new book. Or I’ll go to the grocery store & buy an Itunes card (for the fuelperks) and use that to buy some new music that I’ve been waiting on. Maybe keep a clear jar on the counter or next to your bed, and reward yourself with money for each goal – you decide the amount. As you lose weight, the money can be used to pay for your goals or new clothes. You can do it! Please feel free to friend me to and we are here for you.
  • Whitbygramgirl
    Whitbygramgirl Posts: 75 Member
    Incredibly touching, and sad too. We have all been there in some way, shape or form. We've all had our moments in our lives when we reach rock bottom. Sometimes, we need to be on the bottom before we can climb up! Add me on as a friend if you like - You will do WONDERFULLY WELL, Prediction for 2017!
  • Whitbygramgirl
    Whitbygramgirl Posts: 75 Member
    Also I remember one time at a WW meeting, a woman said there is safety in being the fat girl. That hit home with me. Horrible!
  • QueenZombean
    QueenZombean Posts: 6 Member
    I get this. I so do! For me it's my office chair! I am afraid I'll be the shape of it! You've got this :) And this is an amazing community!
  • lemonaid7
    lemonaid7 Posts: 156 Member
    You said you are at a "crossroads" well coming back to mfp and releasing your feelings tells me you chose the direction of health and wellness for yourself. Cleaning your pantry was the first step, you are on the right path. You got this, I believe in you.
  • jnananamaste
    jnananamaste Posts: 72 Member
    Your story really touched me too. Sounds like you've had an ah-ha moment. You can do this. Believe in yourself, stick with it and you'll reach your goals. Come here for support and tracking. I'm rooting for you!
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
    The_Movie_Chair wrote: »
    I was down last night and today you all lifted me up. It was a good day. May it be one of many to come. I appreciate the support.

    It's amazing what happens when we reach out to others...they reach back and our lives are never the same. <3

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