What would you do? (sorry, this is long)

jenilla1

...I have many friends in many different relationships that I don't understand or that don't necessarily conform to my views but they are my friends, I love them unconditionally and it's their life so as long as they are happy, it's all cool. Some of them do nothing but complain about their other half, but they have genuine love there too.

dutchandkiwi

900Cats wrote: »

My friend does have a lot of friends, but I'm probably the only one she can be completely honest around. When she talks about her husband, my only comment is to say I wouldn't live with someone like that. Part of her choice to stay with him might be financial, but I don't really buy that. They own a nice house etc. they could sell and split. For whatever reason, she chooses to stay.

From personal experience I know that putting it as "she chooses to stay" is too simple. I stayed for hundreds of not good enough justifications in a previous (seemingly similar) relationship. The real reason I stayed was far more complex than reasons and justifications alone
I too had many friends - but I am still grateful for two of the most special women ever- They only knew some of it, but they stuck with me through it all. Their friendship and knowing and trusting I could trust that was what pulled me out in the end.
Stay there for your friend, she probably feels awful for the situation. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know this action has hurt you but focus on the real culprit, his hysterics.

TavistockToad

900Cats wrote: »

But the whole thing is too nutty for me -- there was no icy rain, and this wasn't like cancelling going out for coffee. The surgery did find some things wrong with me and it was very important to take care of them or it could turn into cancer.

I guess I feel repulsed by the whole thing. I would ask questions before I did that to somebody.
I can't imagine going over to their house again.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Would you be friends with a family like that?

sounds a bit like you're projecting your feelings about the potential of cancer (you're allowed to be scared) onto your friend.

she is your friend, she is living in a difficult situation. he is not your friend.

Morgaen73

Have you experienced the husbands nutty/abusive behavior towards your friend yourself?

I have a friend who constantly cancels appointments and then blames it on his "overbearing and bossy" wife when in fact most of the time it is him.

It is important to verify these kinds of things before making decisions that impact on others.

th1nr

900Cats wrote: »

Thanks for the comments, everybody. I know you don't have a lot of information, but the feedback is helpful.

I don't think I can be friends on an equal footing again, which is a shame, but that's how I feel. I'm not angry, just appalled. I don't expect my friends to be perfect people. But my values and how I reason things out are completely different.

I agree with TmacMMM about not liking drama and wanting to count on my friends. I very rarely ask anybody for favors. Her husband's reaction was hysterical drama and is especially not the way to react over a ride for a medical situation.

My friend does have a lot of friends, but I'm probably the only one she can be completely honest around. When she talks about her husband, my only comment is to say I wouldn't live with someone like that. Part of her choice to stay with him might be financial, but I don't really buy that. They own a nice house etc. they could sell and split. For whatever reason, she chooses to stay.

Yes, she chooses to stay for some reason she's not telling you. Nor does she need to. It's her life, not yours.

Due to differences in personality and various life situations, you shouldn't expect all your friends to serve the same functions. That doesn't mean that you can't still talk or have the occasional lunch/coffee date (as another user mentioned) but maybe you shouldn't rely on her for things like a ride home from the hospital when you know she won't be able to pull through because of her life situation.

Calling a serious situation "hysterical drama" and saying you can't be friends "on equal footing" is not helpful to you or to her. You have other people to pick you up from the hospital, you have your own values and your own hard choices to make. Let her make hers.

zeldon919

I think it's fair to be upset with your friend, but don't let this ruin the friendship. Just know that what you can expect from her may be limited by her relationship with her husband - she's in a very delicate situation, so cut her some slack (within reason).

A lot of people said the husband needs therapy. Clearly. But so does your friend. Tell her that (delicately obviously). She needs more than you can give (not a dig on you, some problems require professional intervention), and it could give her the confidence to do something about her relationship with her husband.

NewGemini130

I'd talk directly to the friend, nice, calm. Just tell her you felt let down, as it was hard to ask for help and you'd wished she could have been there when you needed her. Accept her apology (which I'm sure you will get) and move on. Then, without saying so, just limit your friendship with her. Sounds like maybe you have been in the role of helping/listening too much- and maybe you're just realizing that it's been a one-way road. I've "broken up" with needy friends that dump all their stuff on me all the time...just reduce those coffee meet ups to like 25%- if it was once a week go once a month. If it was monthly, move to a couple a year to catch up. You'll be happier.