What would you do? (sorry, this is long)
900Cats
Posts: 7 Member
I have another MFP account and created this one just for this question so I can keep my privacy.
I'm a female and have a longtime female friend who's married. Her husband is normally nice to me but has a mean, selfish streak and is always hurting his wife's feelings -- almost every time we have coffee she talks about some awful thing he said to her.
Background:
My doctor scheduled an outpatient surgery for me. They knock you out with anesthesia, so you must have a ride home. They also want the name and phone of your driver or you can't have the surgery. The surgery was for a medical condition I've had before. If I let it go I could get cancer.
The surgery office is 4 blocks from my house.
My friend agreed to drive me home. She lives 2 miles away.
I live in a small town where there are no taxis.
What happened:
Her husband is obsessed with the weather. He refuses to get mental health help.
He checked the weather 5 days before my appointment, saw a forecast for icy rain, and told his wife she couldn't drive me.
I checked the weather myself. My appointment was at 6:30 a.m. and I would be ready to leave at 9:30 a.m. The icy rain was forecast for late in the day (it actually began about 10 at night). There was absolutely no bad weather forecast for the first half of the day.
She sounded like she didn't want to drive me, so I found another driver.
She later told me that when she tried to talk to her husband about it, he screamed, "I don't care! We don't drive in icy rain!"
She also apologized and said she felt terrible.
My dilemma:
This woman is a longtime good friend.
She did apologize and said she felt terrible.
I also feel nobody is obligated to do anything they feel uncomfortable about.
But the whole thing is too nutty for me -- there was no icy rain, and this wasn't like cancelling going out for coffee. The surgery did find some things wrong with me and it was very important to take care of them or it could turn into cancer.
I guess I feel repulsed by the whole thing. I would ask questions before I did that to somebody.
I can't imagine going over to their house again.
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Would you be friends with a family like that?
I'm a female and have a longtime female friend who's married. Her husband is normally nice to me but has a mean, selfish streak and is always hurting his wife's feelings -- almost every time we have coffee she talks about some awful thing he said to her.
Background:
My doctor scheduled an outpatient surgery for me. They knock you out with anesthesia, so you must have a ride home. They also want the name and phone of your driver or you can't have the surgery. The surgery was for a medical condition I've had before. If I let it go I could get cancer.
The surgery office is 4 blocks from my house.
My friend agreed to drive me home. She lives 2 miles away.
I live in a small town where there are no taxis.
What happened:
Her husband is obsessed with the weather. He refuses to get mental health help.
He checked the weather 5 days before my appointment, saw a forecast for icy rain, and told his wife she couldn't drive me.
I checked the weather myself. My appointment was at 6:30 a.m. and I would be ready to leave at 9:30 a.m. The icy rain was forecast for late in the day (it actually began about 10 at night). There was absolutely no bad weather forecast for the first half of the day.
She sounded like she didn't want to drive me, so I found another driver.
She later told me that when she tried to talk to her husband about it, he screamed, "I don't care! We don't drive in icy rain!"
She also apologized and said she felt terrible.
My dilemma:
This woman is a longtime good friend.
She did apologize and said she felt terrible.
I also feel nobody is obligated to do anything they feel uncomfortable about.
But the whole thing is too nutty for me -- there was no icy rain, and this wasn't like cancelling going out for coffee. The surgery did find some things wrong with me and it was very important to take care of them or it could turn into cancer.
I guess I feel repulsed by the whole thing. I would ask questions before I did that to somebody.
I can't imagine going over to their house again.
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Would you be friends with a family like that?
1
Replies
-
That's a hard question to answer. It sounds like the husband needs some mental health assistance. I don't like drama and I need to be able to count on my friends, so I'd have to say that I wouldn't pursue the friendship.1
-
This is not easy- I agree the husband needs some sort of mental health assistance. Has your friend said why she lets this keep happening? You said he says mean things to her, is it getting to the point of being abusive? I want to count on my friends but sounds like she also needs someone to count on. It's sad. Maybe talk to her about your concerns, at some point though there is only so much you can do4
-
it sounds to me like the hubby has a mental health issue, possibly one he needs help dealing with. Has she many friends? Think of the situations she was put in. Friend one side and husband on the other. She had to make a choice about who to listen too. If you drop her as a friend cos she let you down, it could be a huge issue for her. If she does speak to you about what he is like, try to be understanding to what happened the other day. You might be the only person she can talk to. Take that away from her and you're leaving her with no one.9
-
It sounds like she needs you as a friend. People in those types of marriages tend to lose all of their friends, which often the spouse is hoping to do. (Isolation is a form of control). I would change your expectations of her as friend and stick by her with just the occasional coffee or lunch date. She needs an outlet that she can trust.16
-
Are you blowing it out of proportion? Yes. You got another ride. It was a mild inconvenience for you.
The bigger issue is your feeling of abandonment, but it's a complicated situation. The husband clearly has some issues and your friend is in what sounds like an at least mildly abusive relationship. She faced a choice between helping you, which she clearly wanted to do, or maintaining peace with her husband. That is a no-win situation for her, because she couldn't do both. Would you really want her to risk her relationship with her husband (or even her safety) in order to prevent you from having to ask someone else for a ride?
My advice: Have some compassion for your friend (as well as yourself). She is in a no-win situation with this nutbag. And know that as long as she remains there, you cannot really rely on her.20 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Do not rely on others for favours. Get a cab or the hospital may provide an ambulance. That should be anyone's thumb rule. Other stuff is secondary.
I agree in general, but I live in a small town where there are no cabs. I walked the 4 blocks to the surgery and arranged for another ride home.0 -
If it were me I would still stick around as a friend but change my mindset of the kind of friendship we had. But I'd also try to help the friend figure out how to handle her husband. What kind of "consequence" would she have had if she had defied her husband's orders and still driven you to the hospital? She needs support in order to learn to stand up to her husband for what she believes in. And support in getting her husband to address his obsessive behaviors that are negatively affecting her relationship with him and her friends/family/general life.3
-
Thanks for the comments, everybody. I know you don't have a lot of information, but the feedback is helpful.
I don't think I can be friends on an equal footing again, which is a shame, but that's how I feel. I'm not angry, just appalled. I don't expect my friends to be perfect people. But my values and how I reason things out are completely different.
I agree with TmacMMM about not liking drama and wanting to count on my friends. I very rarely ask anybody for favors. Her husband's reaction was hysterical drama and is especially not the way to react over a ride for a medical situation.
My friend does have a lot of friends, but I'm probably the only one she can be completely honest around. When she talks about her husband, my only comment is to say I wouldn't live with someone like that. Part of her choice to stay with him might be financial, but I don't really buy that. They own a nice house etc. they could sell and split. For whatever reason, she chooses to stay.
1 -
Excuse my ignorance, but how far is a block? Are we talking like 4km or 4miles? Not that it makes much of a difference, but I'm curious.1
-
Excuse my ignorance, but how far is a block? Are we talking like 4km or 4miles? Not that it makes much of a difference, but I'm curious.
A block is just a general term. It can be any distance. It's the distance in a town or city before an intersection with a side street.
I don't know the distance in km, but the entire distance from my house to the surgery office is about 1/2 mile (.5). It's about a 10 minute walk at a slow pace.
The distance wasn't a factor in the ride, just the possibility of icy rain (which didn't happen for many hours).
0 -
You got another ride which is great, and certainly it is worth having a variety of friends around who can help out in this circumstance rather than one.
What is more troubling and is clearly troubling you, is the relationship your friend has with her husband. You say you are no longer going to be able to have the same kind of relationship with them after this. Really? Why has your relationship changed so much over this one event? You friend sounds like she is in a difficult relationship situation, in the UK we now have a legal category which covers this form of abusive relationship called ‘coercive control’. If you are a good friend then perhaps do a little digging about the subject and keep an eye out for the signs. Leaving an abusive partner isn’t as simple as you might think, there is a vast amount of self-blame and psychological issues which can prevent this.
Having said all that, he may just be obsessive and caring and not wishing his wife to hurt herself by driving in bad conditions. Weather forecasts aren’t always reliable.
6 -
aliciajohenry wrote: »If it were me I would still stick around as a friend but change my mindset of the kind of friendship we had. But I'd also try to help the friend figure out how to handle her husband. What kind of "consequence" would she have had if she had defied her husband's orders and still driven you to the hospital? She needs support in order to learn to stand up to her husband for what she believes in. And support in getting her husband to address his obsessive behaviors that are negatively affecting her relationship with him and her friends/family/general life.
This. At every one of my doctor's appointments I get asked, "do you feel safe at home?" Is there a chance that your friend is feeling abused/bullied? I know you said that her husband has declined to get mental health treatment, but maybe your friend needs some counseling as well?
Obviously your friendship has/will change due to this incident, but I wouldn't pull away completely, especially if you value having her (and not necessarily her husband) in your life.4 -
I wouldn't cut off the friend entirely or anything but I would keep in mind that I couldn't ask a favor of her like that. Yes, it was weird but she married him and continues to be married to him so don't expect anything different.4
-
girlinahat wrote: »You got another ride which is great, and certainly it is worth having a variety of friends around who can help out in this circumstance rather than one.
What is more troubling and is clearly troubling you, is the relationship your friend has with her husband. You say you are no longer going to be able to have the same kind of relationship with them after this. Really? Why has your relationship changed so much over this one event? You friend sounds like she is in a difficult relationship situation, in the UK we now have a legal category which covers this form of abusive relationship called ‘coercive control’. If you are a good friend then perhaps do a little digging about the subject and keep an eye out for the signs. Leaving an abusive partner isn’t as simple as you might think, there is a vast amount of self-blame and psychological issues which can prevent this.
Having said all that, he may just be obsessive and caring and not wishing his wife to hurt herself by driving in bad conditions. Weather forecasts aren’t always reliable.
I've known her for many years. I've done lots of digging. I've made suggestions she is not going to follow. She talks to a therapist and has for years. I understand what you're saying, but if she wants a better life she has to make those choices herself.
Her husband acts as though he does not care about her and wants her around to do things for him and so the house won't be empty. I also can't do anything about that. She says they also have a friendship but friends don't act the way he does.
Yes, I said I probably won't be able to have the same relationship with her where I feel on an equal footing. That's how I genuinely feel. My values are different.
I can't act as though standing somebody up for a ride for surgery to catch or prevent cancer is okay and all over an imaginary weather event. It is not okay. That type of drama goes on in her own life all the time. If she needs something I won't abandon her, though.
0 -
Well, I would still be friends if I liked her but not ask her for important favors since she can't do them. I guess it would be admitting that it isn't a fully reciprocal relationship.
People who live with a possibly mentally ill person are struggling themselves. It is complicated. You might suggest therapy or a support group for her.
In my very small town we do not have buses or cabs but the local area agency on aging provides a van transportation service for all ages. There is a small fee. Your town may have something similar. Should you need a ride again and can't find a friend available there may be something like this in your town through local organizations or churches.3 -
She's your go-to friend in fair weather. For real. You'll need a lousy weather friend.2
-
I wouldn't cut off the friend entirely or anything but I would keep in mind that I couldn't ask a favor of her like that. Yes, it was weird but she married him and continues to be married to him so don't expect anything different.
Yes, this is the picture.
I guess I feel sad that things have changed in our friendship.0 -
Having to get a different ride is not a big deal just an inconvenience, it's kind of irrelevant, you made the appointment so no harm done. What the big deal is, is that your friend is in an abusive relationship (there is no way she could have given you that ride with that going on so you shouldn't feel upset at her) I find his behaviour extremely troubling, but not sure how you can help her. I think breaking off your friendship is a bit extreme, maybe whilst shes going through this realise you can't rely on her for favours not because of her but because he might intervene, but continue your friendship just for companionship?4
-
.0
-
animatorswearbras wrote: »Having to get a different ride is not a big deal just an inconvenience, it's kind of irrelevant, you made the appointment so no harm done. What the big deal is, is that your friend is in an abusive relationship (there is no way she could have given you that ride with that going on so you shouldn't feel upset at her) I find his behaviour extremely troubling, but not sure how you can help her. I think breaking off your friendship is a bit extreme, maybe whilst shes going through this realise you can't rely on her for favours not because of her but because he might intervene, but continue your friendship just for companionship?
I'm gonna agree with this, and add this: You knew the relationship with her husband was possibly gonna intervene when you asked for the favor as you have previous knowledge of the relationship, a half a mile in the ice is a pain but as @animatorswearbras said it's an inconvenience, not life and death and you made the appointment. Abandoning a friend who probably feels pretty awful about letting you down, especially as you know her circumstances is extreme. You are effectively saying you won't be her friend as she won't do things for you. Friendship is not about what you do for each other, it's about having your friends back when she needs you regardless.5 -
I have another MFP account and created this one just for this question so I can keep my privacy.
I'm a female and have a longtime female friend who's married. Her husband is normally nice to me but has a mean, selfish streak and is always hurting his wife's feelings -- almost every time we have coffee she talks about some awful thing he said to her.
Background:
My doctor scheduled an outpatient surgery for me. They knock you out with anesthesia, so you must have a ride home. They also want the name and phone of your driver or you can't have the surgery. The surgery was for a medical condition I've had before. If I let it go I could get cancer.
The surgery office is 4 blocks from my house.
My friend agreed to drive me home. She lives 2 miles away.
I live in a small town where there are no taxis.
What happened:
Her husband is obsessed with the weather. He refuses to get mental health help.
He checked the weather 5 days before my appointment, saw a forecast for icy rain, and told his wife she couldn't drive me.
I checked the weather myself. My appointment was at 6:30 a.m. and I would be ready to leave at 9:30 a.m. The icy rain was forecast for late in the day (it actually began about 10 at night). There was absolutely no bad weather forecast for the first half of the day.
She sounded like she didn't want to drive me, so I found another driver.
She later told me that when she tried to talk to her husband about it, he screamed, "I don't care! We don't drive in icy rain!"
She also apologized and said she felt terrible.
My dilemma:
This woman is a longtime good friend.
She did apologize and said she felt terrible.
I also feel nobody is obligated to do anything they feel uncomfortable about.
But the whole thing is too nutty for me -- there was no icy rain, and this wasn't like cancelling going out for coffee. The surgery did find some things wrong with me and it was very important to take care of them or it could turn into cancer.
I guess I feel repulsed by the whole thing. I would ask questions before I did that to somebody.
I can't imagine going over to their house again.
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Would you be friends with a family like that?
Nothing.. There is nothing you can do.
Your friend is her own person who can make her own decisions. The husband is right, its not safe to drive in Icy weather. The husband just wants her to be safe. At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with that.
At some point your friend needs to stand up to her husband and say cut the crap out.
With that being said, I think you need to find a new desalinated driver.
1 -
I think you chalk this up to knowing what her boundaries are.
She isn't willing to break this travel ban issue with her husband...and whether her husband needs counseling, medication, or whatever isn't in your control nor really it should be. What her marriage is or is not is none of your business, unless it is abusive. I don't think this is necessarily abusive...a bit messed up, yes, potentially very enabling, yes... but that's not your job to meddle. Getting mixed up in someone's marital relationship rarely works out well.
What you know now is what to depend on your friend for, and what not to depend on your friend for. You were certainly disappointed by your friend because for most people this would not have been an issue, and I presume you live in a climate like I do where unless it's pretty extreme, we go right on driving through slow, sleet and hail.
But I'd like to suggest that not all friends are great for all things. I have a friend that I can't trust to be on time, for instance, but are loving and trustworthy except for that. I have another friend who is very overweight...I'm not asking him for support on my diet. But I wouldn't get rid of them because they don't meet all my needs. Friends are often not all things, and that's OK, they can still be friends but just honor the limits they have.
You have the choice of holding resentment. You can end the friendship. And that's your right.
But I would suggest shaking off the hurt and realize now you know where you shouldn't ask her to help you, because she has this limitation.4 -
And it's OK to be sad if the relationship has changed for the worse with you over time. That does happen and its disappointing. Friendships change, and it's important to keep in the present. Whatever was years ago may not be reality today.2
-
kenyonhaff wrote: »I think you chalk this up to knowing what her boundaries are.
She isn't willing to break this travel ban issue with her husband...and whether her husband needs counseling, medication, or whatever isn't in your control nor really it should be. What her marriage is or is not is none of your business, unless it is abusive.
But I would suggest shaking off the hurt and realize now you know where you shouldn't ask her to help you, because she has this limitation.
She was in a quandry about taking me. She does stand up to her husband on occasion. I didn't want to start a family argument and found another ride, with some worry not knowing if I could find one.
I'm not hurt at all. I'm repulsed that this this was even an issue. The issue is not the ride. The issue is the callous weirdness of the whole thing.
I agree with you, her marriage is not under my control.
To everyone, thanks for your input. To clarify, the weather issue was IMAGINARY. The icy rain was not in the forecast for the time of my appointment. It showed up 12 hours later, at night. The husband has a weather phobia and said he did not care if I didn't have a ride (over a serious medical appointment).
Should I have anticipated this problem? I don't know, I'm not a mind reader. This is the only ride I've asked of anybody in probably 15 years. I have a car in great condition. I'm not a needy person. I very rarely ask anybody to do me favors. I'm usually the one on the other end, feeding people's animals, collecting their mail, and giving them rides.
0 -
Maybe I'm alone in this, but I don't do drama.
It wouldn't even be so much about her canceling on you (although, I don't like people who go back on their word after something has already been arranged) but the whole thing with her husband sounds like it's too much.
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who almost every time we had coffee (from what you've said) is complaining about some horrid thing her husband said. I'd feel she'd either need to a) leave him or b) stop involving me in her marriage. I'd end the friendship and not look back.2 -
Well, I definitely feel bad for her, and agree with others that I (personally) wouldn't cut her out of your life completely over this one instance, however, I do know what it's like to be disappointed in a friendship, and I've found that open communication is always important in these situations.
Don't feel badly if you do need to create some distance. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season, not for a lifetime, and that's okay.1 -
kenyonhaff wrote: »I think you chalk this up to knowing what her boundaries are.
She isn't willing to break this travel ban issue with her husband...and whether her husband needs counseling, medication, or whatever isn't in your control nor really it should be. What her marriage is or is not is none of your business, unless it is abusive.
But I would suggest shaking off the hurt and realize now you know where you shouldn't ask her to help you, because she has this limitation.
She was in a quandry about taking me. She does stand up to her husband on occasion. I didn't want to start a family argument and found another ride, with some worry not knowing if I could find one.
I'm not hurt at all. I'm repulsed that this this was even an issue. The issue is not the ride. The issue is the callous weirdness of the whole thing.
I agree with you, her marriage is not under my control.
To everyone, thanks for your input. To clarify, the weather issue was IMAGINARY. The icy rain was not in the forecast for the time of my appointment. It showed up 12 hours later, at night. The husband has a weather phobia and said he did not care if I didn't have a ride (over a serious medical appointment).
Should I have anticipated this problem? I don't know, I'm not a mind reader. This is the only ride I've asked of anybody in probably 15 years. I have a car in great condition. I'm not a needy person. I very rarely ask anybody to do me favors. I'm usually the one on the other end, feeding people's animals, collecting their mail, and giving them rides.
Sorry, just to clarify, the husband has a phobia and you said the weather issue was imaginary? A phobia is not imaginary. He saw something that scared him and didn't want his wife out in the weather that scared him (whether forecast for that time or not) as he has a real fear of what could happen. If he has a genuine phobia then you can't understand what he was thinking. Just like an anxiety attack is not just feeling a bit worried or an ED is not just wanting to be slim, a genuine phobia is not just being worried of something. Phobias can take over a persons life and leave them with serious issues. Personally I think you are making way to much out of this. You got to your appointment, your friend stands up to her husband when she needs to and yet you are here giving out about her being in a lousy marriage (maybe she doesn't see it that way), slamming her husband for his issues and not being a good friend as you had to find a ride to your appointment. If she wasn't 100% happy about giving you the lift in the first place, maybe her husband picked up on that and it kicked his phobia into overdrive and he got anxious over the weather and dealt with it as he knew how: stopped her from taking you so he knew she'd be safe.
I have many friends in many different relationships that I don't understand or that don't necessarily conform to my views but they are my friends, I love them unconditionally and it's their life so as long as they are happy, it's all cool. Some of them do nothing but complain about their other half, but they have genuine love there too.3 -
I've only read half the comments, so excuse me if I'm repeating anything.
I disagree with staying friends.
I agree that you need to have compassion both for her and for her husband.
I think you should sit her down and explain that you can no longer sit around and watch your friend be in pain. And tell her that you need to lovingly distance yourself as you can no longer stand it. Assure her you'll be there if she's willing to make a change.
This will be uncomfortable. But this is much cleaner and ultimately much kinder than slowly drifting away.
This might actually spur her on to do something more about her situation.1 -
Maybe I'm alone in this, but I don't do drama.
It wouldn't even be so much about her canceling on you (although, I don't like people who go back on their word after something has already been arranged) but the whole thing with her husband sounds like it's too much.
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who almost every time we had coffee (from what you've said) is complaining about some horrid thing her husband said. I'd feel she'd either need to a) leave him or b) stop involving me in her marriage. I'd end the friendship and not look back.
You're not alone. This sounds like a total downer to me. Negativity is such a drain. Sharing the occasional complaint is normal, but excess drama and dealing with other peoples' toxic relationships long-term isn't healthy, so I generally avoid it. I would support the friend if she's gonna work on a solution, get some help or get out, but if she's just gonna wallow in it, I don't want to be a part of it.
People tend to adopt the attitudes and behaviors of the people they spend a lot of time with. Therefore, if you are a couch potato but you want to be more fitness-oriented, you should hang out with people who are fitness-oriented. Over time, you'll start to adopt their behaviors and become one of them. Same goes for negative attitudes and behaviors.
And people bitching about their spouses are some of the worst.
I'm married, I love my relationship and I have a lot of fun, so I'd like to focus on having gratitude for what I have. It's not perfect, but it's pretty awesome! I like to spend time with like-minded people. The last thing I need or want to do is be around people with a negative marital mindset. I don't need that. I've never been a fan of that kind of crap. If you aren't having a good time, then do something about it. Complaining to your friends and family about your marriage doesn't make things better. It's disrespectful, it undermines your relationship and it reinforces bad attitudes. It doesn't reflect well on you, either. Like I said, the occasional gripe is gonna happen. That's OK. It's those chronically miserable people I can't handle.
So yeah, she would have to go. Maybe I'm mean, but that's how I feel. And it has nothing to do with not getting a ride. That's not even a concern of mine.1 -
As a person from a very disfunctional family, here is my advice.
1) you come first, so if the relationship with these people is hurting you, affecting your balance and your mental health, do whatever is necessary to protect yourself, including taking some distance.
It may mean to cut them off completely or to change the relationship, for example you can still see your friend for coffee and such, but understand that you can't rely on her on the big stuff.
2) if you decide to continue this friendship and to support her in her difficulties, just remember that you can't fix her problem, only she can. you can be there for her as a friend, not as a therapist or a social worker.
In this case I suggest that you make it clear to her that you are there for help if she wants to change the situation with her husband, whether she wants to divorce, to seek help from a therapist or else, but set boundaries.2
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.3K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 424 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions