What would you do? (sorry, this is long)

900Cats
900Cats Posts: 7 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have another MFP account and created this one just for this question so I can keep my privacy.

I'm a female and have a longtime female friend who's married. Her husband is normally nice to me but has a mean, selfish streak and is always hurting his wife's feelings -- almost every time we have coffee she talks about some awful thing he said to her.

Background:
My doctor scheduled an outpatient surgery for me. They knock you out with anesthesia, so you must have a ride home. They also want the name and phone of your driver or you can't have the surgery. The surgery was for a medical condition I've had before. If I let it go I could get cancer.

The surgery office is 4 blocks from my house.
My friend agreed to drive me home. She lives 2 miles away.
I live in a small town where there are no taxis.

What happened:
Her husband is obsessed with the weather. He refuses to get mental health help.
He checked the weather 5 days before my appointment, saw a forecast for icy rain, and told his wife she couldn't drive me.

I checked the weather myself. My appointment was at 6:30 a.m. and I would be ready to leave at 9:30 a.m. The icy rain was forecast for late in the day (it actually began about 10 at night). There was absolutely no bad weather forecast for the first half of the day.
She sounded like she didn't want to drive me, so I found another driver.
She later told me that when she tried to talk to her husband about it, he screamed, "I don't care! We don't drive in icy rain!"
She also apologized and said she felt terrible.

My dilemma:
This woman is a longtime good friend.
She did apologize and said she felt terrible.
I also feel nobody is obligated to do anything they feel uncomfortable about.

But the whole thing is too nutty for me -- there was no icy rain, and this wasn't like cancelling going out for coffee. The surgery did find some things wrong with me and it was very important to take care of them or it could turn into cancer.

I guess I feel repulsed by the whole thing. I would ask questions before I did that to somebody.
I can't imagine going over to their house again.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Would you be friends with a family like that?

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Replies

  • __TMac__
    __TMac__ Posts: 1,669 Member
    That's a hard question to answer. It sounds like the husband needs some mental health assistance. I don't like drama and I need to be able to count on my friends, so I'd have to say that I wouldn't pursue the friendship.
  • cessi0909
    cessi0909 Posts: 654 Member
    This is not easy- I agree the husband needs some sort of mental health assistance. Has your friend said why she lets this keep happening? You said he says mean things to her, is it getting to the point of being abusive? I want to count on my friends but sounds like she also needs someone to count on. It's sad. Maybe talk to her about your concerns, at some point though there is only so much you can do
  • 900Cats
    900Cats Posts: 7 Member
    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Do not rely on others for favours. Get a cab or the hospital may provide an ambulance. That should be anyone's thumb rule. Other stuff is secondary.

    I agree in general, but I live in a small town where there are no cabs. I walked the 4 blocks to the surgery and arranged for another ride home.
  • aliciajohenry
    aliciajohenry Posts: 1 Member
    If it were me I would still stick around as a friend but change my mindset of the kind of friendship we had. But I'd also try to help the friend figure out how to handle her husband. What kind of "consequence" would she have had if she had defied her husband's orders and still driven you to the hospital? She needs support in order to learn to stand up to her husband for what she believes in. And support in getting her husband to address his obsessive behaviors that are negatively affecting her relationship with him and her friends/family/general life.
  • 900Cats
    900Cats Posts: 7 Member
    edited January 2017
    Thanks for the comments, everybody. I know you don't have a lot of information, but the feedback is helpful.

    I don't think I can be friends on an equal footing again, which is a shame, but that's how I feel. I'm not angry, just appalled. I don't expect my friends to be perfect people. But my values and how I reason things out are completely different.

    I agree with TmacMMM about not liking drama and wanting to count on my friends. I very rarely ask anybody for favors. Her husband's reaction was hysterical drama and is especially not the way to react over a ride for a medical situation.

    My friend does have a lot of friends, but I'm probably the only one she can be completely honest around. When she talks about her husband, my only comment is to say I wouldn't live with someone like that. Part of her choice to stay with him might be financial, but I don't really buy that. They own a nice house etc. they could sell and split. For whatever reason, she chooses to stay.

  • mskimee
    mskimee Posts: 228 Member
    Excuse my ignorance, but how far is a block? Are we talking like 4km or 4miles? Not that it makes much of a difference, but I'm curious.
  • 900Cats
    900Cats Posts: 7 Member
    edited January 2017
    mskimee wrote: »
    Excuse my ignorance, but how far is a block? Are we talking like 4km or 4miles? Not that it makes much of a difference, but I'm curious.

    A block is just a general term. It can be any distance. It's the distance in a town or city before an intersection with a side street.

    I don't know the distance in km, but the entire distance from my house to the surgery office is about 1/2 mile (.5). It's about a 10 minute walk at a slow pace.

    The distance wasn't a factor in the ride, just the possibility of icy rain (which didn't happen for many hours).
  • mitch16
    mitch16 Posts: 2,113 Member
    aliciajohenry wrote: »
    If it were me I would still stick around as a friend but change my mindset of the kind of friendship we had. But I'd also try to help the friend figure out how to handle her husband. What kind of "consequence" would she have had if she had defied her husband's orders and still driven you to the hospital? She needs support in order to learn to stand up to her husband for what she believes in. And support in getting her husband to address his obsessive behaviors that are negatively affecting her relationship with him and her friends/family/general life.

    This. At every one of my doctor's appointments I get asked, "do you feel safe at home?" Is there a chance that your friend is feeling abused/bullied? I know you said that her husband has declined to get mental health treatment, but maybe your friend needs some counseling as well?

    Obviously your friendship has/will change due to this incident, but I wouldn't pull away completely, especially if you value having her (and not necessarily her husband) in your life.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    I wouldn't cut off the friend entirely or anything but I would keep in mind that I couldn't ask a favor of her like that. Yes, it was weird but she married him and continues to be married to him so don't expect anything different.
  • 900Cats
    900Cats Posts: 7 Member
    girlinahat wrote: »
    You got another ride which is great, and certainly it is worth having a variety of friends around who can help out in this circumstance rather than one.

    What is more troubling and is clearly troubling you, is the relationship your friend has with her husband. You say you are no longer going to be able to have the same kind of relationship with them after this. Really? Why has your relationship changed so much over this one event? You friend sounds like she is in a difficult relationship situation, in the UK we now have a legal category which covers this form of abusive relationship called ‘coercive control’. If you are a good friend then perhaps do a little digging about the subject and keep an eye out for the signs. Leaving an abusive partner isn’t as simple as you might think, there is a vast amount of self-blame and psychological issues which can prevent this.

    Having said all that, he may just be obsessive and caring and not wishing his wife to hurt herself by driving in bad conditions. Weather forecasts aren’t always reliable.

    I've known her for many years. I've done lots of digging. I've made suggestions she is not going to follow. She talks to a therapist and has for years. I understand what you're saying, but if she wants a better life she has to make those choices herself.

    Her husband acts as though he does not care about her and wants her around to do things for him and so the house won't be empty. I also can't do anything about that. She says they also have a friendship but friends don't act the way he does.

    Yes, I said I probably won't be able to have the same relationship with her where I feel on an equal footing. That's how I genuinely feel. My values are different.

    I can't act as though standing somebody up for a ride for surgery to catch or prevent cancer is okay and all over an imaginary weather event. It is not okay. That type of drama goes on in her own life all the time. If she needs something I won't abandon her, though.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Well, I would still be friends if I liked her but not ask her for important favors since she can't do them. I guess it would be admitting that it isn't a fully reciprocal relationship.
    People who live with a possibly mentally ill person are struggling themselves. It is complicated. You might suggest therapy or a support group for her.
    In my very small town we do not have buses or cabs but the local area agency on aging provides a van transportation service for all ages. There is a small fee. Your town may have something similar. Should you need a ride again and can't find a friend available there may be something like this in your town through local organizations or churches.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    She's your go-to friend in fair weather. For real. You'll need a lousy weather friend.
  • 900Cats
    900Cats Posts: 7 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    I wouldn't cut off the friend entirely or anything but I would keep in mind that I couldn't ask a favor of her like that. Yes, it was weird but she married him and continues to be married to him so don't expect anything different.

    Yes, this is the picture.

    I guess I feel sad that things have changed in our friendship.
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
    Having to get a different ride is not a big deal just an inconvenience, it's kind of irrelevant, you made the appointment so no harm done. What the big deal is, is that your friend is in an abusive relationship (there is no way she could have given you that ride with that going on so you shouldn't feel upset at her) I find his behaviour extremely troubling, but not sure how you can help her. I think breaking off your friendship is a bit extreme, maybe whilst shes going through this realise you can't rely on her for favours not because of her but because he might intervene, but continue your friendship just for companionship?
  • PennWalker
    PennWalker Posts: 554 Member
    edited January 2017
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