Need advice about my husbands weight gain

WhitneySheree88

Okay so today my husband was getting ready for work and noticed he only had three clean shirts, Friday is laundry day and everything else was dirty. He pulls his three shirts off the hangers and gets pissed because none of them fit anymore. He referred to himself as being a fat *kitten* numerous times within minutes (something he has gotten very used to doing by the way) I helped him find one shirt that he was comfortable enough wearing to work but he still seemed very upset about his weight gain. Now my husband is 6'2 and 250 pounds, he is a big man (hes not all fat) when we met he was only 5'7 and 160 pounds but now he hates the way he looks no matter what I say to him to reassure him and I get it 100% because I am guilty of doing this as well when it comes to myself (mostly before losing some weight) Today was a final straw with me because I couldn't listen to him complain about it anymore, it bothers me that he sees himself that way so I said "Do you want me to start counting your calories like I do mine?" he looked at me shocked and a little hurt I think "So you do think i'm fat?" I shook my head and explained that I just wanted him to be happy with himself he didn't argue or get upset he simply gave me a kiss and left for work. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping so it would be very easy for me to count his calories for him but I want to know how other people would handle this. I do think he needs to lose some weight for many reasons health being top of the list but I also want him to be happy. I am also curious as how I can approach this matter without hurting his feelings, any other men have these experiences?

Thanks and sorry this was so long :flowerforyou:

HollisGrant

No, I wouldn't count his calories for him, not unless he was an invalid. Part of this whole lifestyle change is taking responsibility for yourself, from your weight to your food and exercise. We are each responsible for what we put into our mouths and how we spend our 24 hours. When you do too much for someone, they don't develop their own strength.

Unknown

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CherylGardner

Isn't it funny how he can say it in all kinds of way, but when you acknowledge what he's saying, it all of a sudden becomes "real"?

I went through something similar with my husband... I told him that I would help him by making lunches (those were his weak spot -- eating crap food for lunch at work) and I loosely track it on his account here. not as diligent as I do for myself.... but since I do all the cooking I can help "guide" him. i'm not going to knock a snickers bar out of his hand or whatever, but I can help in a way that makes it less obvious than being on a "diet".

It's been working so far.

The best you can say is that you can clearly tell he's upset by how he talks about himself and you just want to help improve if he really feels that way.

Calliope610

I can understand the weight gain, but can't figure out the 5" gain in height. Did he have a post-adolescent growth spurt?

SiempreBella

Dont push him to do it. I learned that the hard way. I tried to push my BF to eat healthy for a long time and he did the opposite.

jamiem1102

I think he needs to decide on his own that he WANTS to lose weight. Until that happens, nothing you do will work or be effective.

Lleldiranne

Okay so today my husband was getting ready for work and noticed he only had three clean shirts, Friday is laundry day and everything else was dirty. He pulls his three shirts off the hangers and gets pissed because none of them fit anymore. He referred to himself as being a fat *kitten* numerous times within minutes (something he has gotten very used to doing by the way) I helped him find one shirt that he was comfortable enough wearing to work but he still seemed very upset about his weight gain. Now my husband is 6'2 and 250 pounds, he is a big man (hes not all fat) when we met he was only 5'7 and 160 pounds but now he hates the way he looks no matter what I say to him to reassure him and I get it 100% because I am guilty of doing this as well when it comes to myself (mostly before losing some weight) Today was a final straw with me because I couldn't listen to him complain about it anymore, it bothers me that he sees himself that way so I said "Do you want me to start counting your calories like I do mine?" he looked at me shocked and a little hurt I think "So you do think i'm fat?" I shook my head and explained that I just wanted him to be happy with himself he didn't argue or get upset he simply gave me a kiss and left for work. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping so it would be very easy for me to count his calories for him but I want to know how other people would handle this. I do think he needs to lose some weight for many reasons health being top of the list but I also want him to be happy. I am also curious as how I can approach this matter without hurting his feelings, any other men have these experiences?

Thanks and sorry this was so long :flowerforyou:

I recently told my husband, when he was bent on complaining about something but didn't like any answers I gave:

"Either do something about it or stop complaining."

[eta: he stopped complaining, rather than a bit of a grumble]

Leave it at that. Because you can't do it for him (it leads to huge fights) and he has to be ready to do it himself. Also, he'd probably start "sneaking" calories elsewhere.

(FWIW, my husband is almost the same size, 6'1" and 250, and still hasn't gotten around to doing anything about it. We've both been on this site for about 2 years … when he has the motivation, he'll use it. Until then, I just lead by example. And know that we're in the boat together; we still love our big guys, right? )

LiamKimbell

You cannot count calories for another person. Soon he will start cheating on the diet you plan for him. He will eat more unhealthy food outside of the house. Sneak a cheeseburger before dinner, etc. I've found weight loss to be a very personal and solitary journey.

One thing that might work is exercising together. Doing something both of you like that burns calories.

nalia08

If you are the one buying the food and grocery, make sure you buy better foods for him to eat. I know I do all the grocery shopping for hubby and I, but I don't buy certain items unless he ask me to i.e. chips, beer, etc. If he is serious about it, you buy healthy foods and prepare healthy meals and see how fast he reacts to that! What I have started doing is juicing and making smoothies. I make him one as well so that he is subbing one meal for something more nutritious. If you are making him lunches, pack him something healthier as I also pack hubby's lunches (which is usually leftovers I'm putting away in containers and he just takes). Like everyone else said, make him accountable for his actions.

nalia08

Any my hubby is also 6'1 and 250 lbs...

crystalflame

If he's open to it, have an honest conversation with him about how he feels about his body and what his goals are. Focus on his health and happiness. Don't bring looks into it, but mention that you find him attractive if he seems concerned. Let him decide how he'd like to handle his weight - does he want to count calories, or would he like to focus on smaller portions first? Is he going to increase his exercise? He needs to be in charge of those things. However, don't push him too hard if he's not ready to have a lengthy talk about this... Just let him know you're there to listen and help if he wants it.

You can still help in small ways. Since you do the shopping, make good choices and minimize mindless-snacking foods unless he specifically asks you to get them for him. Be aware of how many calories you're putting on his plate so if he asks about it, you can tell him. Make sure the portions you serve him when you fix up plates for dinner are enough to keep him full but not more than he needs. I am not in any way advocating you control what or how much he eats unless he asks for that kind of help; I'm just suggesting you help him to not overdo it if he's the kind of guy who eats without thinking.

LBNOakland

Don't count for him. Let him ask. My hubby doesn't track his calories but he watches me track mine. There are times when he will ask me how many calories are in what he is about to eat or just ate. No formal tracking but he has begun to pay attention so that is a good thing. I don't think tracking for someone else would even work. Part of the reason you track is to know what you are eating and make decisions based on what you have already consumed in the day. if he isn't looking at his journal and logging, he isn't really learning how to control his eating.

WhitneySheree88

Thank you all for your advice! I kind of knew me counting his calories would be a no go I realize he needs to learn all this own his own, just like I had to. I just remember how bad I felt before dropping some of my weight and I felt so helpless to it all I don't want him to feel as lost as I did. I will make a better effort towards buying better foods. I have recently switched getting sweets and junk food for veggies and dip, per his request so I think he is getting there slowly but surely. I appreciate all of your guys input and I am glad i'm not alone in this situation.

As for his growth spurt we met when we were 15 years old now he is 23, he grew a little since then lol

jennfit40

He has to want change for himself - as everyone has said. I think men would rather focus on burning calories than counting them so... is there a sport your husband is interested in...maybe you could join a league together or take a CrossFit or MMA style class together. Working out together maybe the kickstart he needs to make other healthier lifestyle changes.

leannerae40

Thank you all for your advice! I kind of knew me counting his calories would be a no go I realize he needs to learn all this own his own, just like I had to. I just remember how bad I felt before dropping some of my weight and I felt so helpless to it all I don't want him to feel as lost as I did. I will make a better effort towards buying better foods. I have recently switched getting sweets and junk food for veggies and dip, per his request so I think he is getting there slowly but surely. I appreciate all of your guys input and I am glad i'm not alone in this situation.

As for his growth spurt we met when we were 15 years old now he is 23, he grew a little since then lol

If you think he might have hurt feelings from your conversation this morning, I would make sure that you tell him you love him NO MATTER WHAT SIZE he is or ever will be.

athyraslove

My husband is 6'6" and 430lbs. He lost 30 lbs recently. I would not count calories for my husband, but I do all the shopping and cooking and pack his lunches. Which is why he's starting to lose weight, he isn't eating out all the time now.

I guess just talk to him about it, if he wants to lose weight you can discuss it and plan together. It's so much easier when you both eat the same things, if you both take walks together. I started my weightloss journey because of my husband. He was tired of hearing me complain about myself, and he finally said to either do something about it or be quiet and accept how I was now. We are in this journey together and we help eachother, but I won't baby him either. If he wants fast food I don't ask him if he's sure or tell him no. He makes his own choices, it's working for us. He has to decide when he is ready to lose weight, if you do everything for him he won't learn how to care for himself and the weight will go back on after you get tired of doing everything for him or ordering him around. It could cause resentment, if he feels like you take over his life (eating and exercise choices) and order him around to lose weight.

athyraslove

Thank you all for your advice! I kind of knew me counting his calories would be a no go I realize he needs to learn all this own his own, just like I had to. I just remember how bad I felt before dropping some of my weight and I felt so helpless to it all I don't want him to feel as lost as I did. I will make a better effort towards buying better foods. I have recently switched getting sweets and junk food for veggies and dip, per his request so I think he is getting there slowly but surely. I appreciate all of your guys input and I am glad i'm not alone in this situation.

As for his growth spurt we met when we were 15 years old now he is 23, he grew a little since then lol

Small steps are great! It's how you move forward!

SteveStedge1

""Either do something about it or stop complaining." THIS!!

Who is the wife here?

No offense but I thought only women talked about their problems with only the intention of sharing feelings or to get it off their chests and not wanting the person to solve the problem..

Men, universally, dont tell people stuff unless they want help. This is a wacky situation.

dctexas65

Do what I do...
1. Cook less if you do the cooking (and healthier) and when he gets tired of eating healthier then he has to cook.
2. Buy less junk (if he want it he can go to the store, either tell him that or sorry honey I forgot)
3. Buy him bigger pants/shirts and replace the other ones (if he notices tell him you got tired of his ranting)

My hubby is always complaining but believes in the tuna/vodka diet...eating only tuna fish and drinking only vodka and then it only takes him about a month and he has lost all the weight...B**tard...lol

iplayoutside19

Like others have said. Until he's ready to do this himself...not much you can do about his weight.

However, what you can do is say you don't want to hear any complaining about his current health situation until he does do something.

jamiem1102

""Either do something about it or stop complaining." THIS!!

Who is the wife here?

No offense but I thought only women talked about their problems with only the intention of sharing feelings or to get it off their chests and not wanting the person to solve the problem..

Men, universally, dont tell people stuff unless they want help. This is a wacky situation.

Uh... I don't think you can say that men "universally" do any thing. Attaching absolutes to any situation will likely offend at least a few people.

skullshank

TL/DR

however....
you cant do it for him. he has to want it.
if you try, it could blow up in your face and end horribly.

Warchortle

If you need to baby your significant other instead of talking to them like an equal then... I can't help you... just be real about it.

determined_erin

""Either do something about it or stop complaining." THIS!!

Who is the wife here?

No offense but I thought only women talked about their problems with only the intention of sharing feelings or to get it off their chests and not wanting the person to solve the problem..

Men, universally, dont tell people stuff unless they want help. This is a wacky situation.

Uh... I don't think you can say that men "universally" do any thing. Attaching absolutes to any situation will likely offend at least a few people.

Agreed. There is no reason to be sexist about a certain gender. We are all humans and react differently, not based on gender.

saxmaniac

The only thing you can do is maybe buy some better-fitting clothes.

Everything else would piss you off, if you were in his shoes. You can't make someone lose weight, even if they complain about it every single day.

shadowharuka

"Either do something about it or stop complaining."

My boyfriend said something along the lines of this to me, I knew he was totally right, and he wasn't saying that to be mean or anything. After that I got the motivation and have lost 17+ pounds (haven't weighed in a few weeks)

dorthymcconnel

Just continue counting your own calories. He has to take responsibility for himself. All you can do is to provide healthy, nutritious meals since you do the cooking and shopping, and encourage him to be a bit more active by exercising with you. Don't nag, just ask. I got my husband and son to walk with me most evenings and it's helped us out.

lithezebra

I don't see the problem with counting calories for your husband. Maybe a lot of people have never been married and don't realize that it's fairly common for one person to take care of the food shopping and meal preparation. I do the cooking at home. My husband is an adult, and he takes care of other things.

Cooking for someone isn't guaranteed to work. He could just eat more when he isn't home. However it might work, and it is certainly the kind of support that a lot of people say they want. It sounds like you're willing to work on a healthier lifestyle with him - great!

It sounds like this topic just came up. I don't think that you need to do anything about it until you and your husband have talked more about it.

mmm_drop

The only thing you can do is maybe buy some better-fitting clothes.

Everything else would piss you off, if you were in his shoes. You can't make someone lose weight, even if they complain about it every single day.

^This.

bethFromDayton

DH wanted to lose weight when I started (and he has, but not as much as I have).

One thing I do that does make a difference is I "plate" our food rather than serving family style. I measure everything and give him half again as much as I take for myself. He knows I'm doing this and is pleased about it. He has the ability to go for seconds, of course, but usually doesn't--he stops when his plate is empty.

The changes he's made at lunch, though, eating primarily salads--that's all his doing.

When I first started losing weight and he asked "how can I help?" (he's wonderful), I said that he could walk with me in the evenings, regardless of weather. (he hates to walk) We haven't been doing that because I walk with my walking partner at work, but I probably ought to start walking with him again for his sake :-)

It's hard enough "owning" your own weight loss progress--I can't imagine owning anyone else's.