Need advice about my husbands weight gain

jamiem1102

""Either do something about it or stop complaining." THIS!!

Who is the wife here?

No offense but I thought only women talked about their problems with only the intention of sharing feelings or to get it off their chests and not wanting the person to solve the problem..

Men, universally, dont tell people stuff unless they want help. This is a wacky situation.

Uh... I don't think you can say that men "universally" do any thing. Attaching absolutes to any situation will likely offend at least a few people.

skullshank

TL/DR

however....
you cant do it for him. he has to want it.
if you try, it could blow up in your face and end horribly.

Warchortle

If you need to baby your significant other instead of talking to them like an equal then... I can't help you... just be real about it.

determined_erin

""Either do something about it or stop complaining." THIS!!

Who is the wife here?

No offense but I thought only women talked about their problems with only the intention of sharing feelings or to get it off their chests and not wanting the person to solve the problem..

Men, universally, dont tell people stuff unless they want help. This is a wacky situation.

Uh... I don't think you can say that men "universally" do any thing. Attaching absolutes to any situation will likely offend at least a few people.

Agreed. There is no reason to be sexist about a certain gender. We are all humans and react differently, not based on gender.

saxmaniac

The only thing you can do is maybe buy some better-fitting clothes.

Everything else would piss you off, if you were in his shoes. You can't make someone lose weight, even if they complain about it every single day.

shadowharuka

"Either do something about it or stop complaining."

My boyfriend said something along the lines of this to me, I knew he was totally right, and he wasn't saying that to be mean or anything. After that I got the motivation and have lost 17+ pounds (haven't weighed in a few weeks)

dorthymcconnel

Just continue counting your own calories. He has to take responsibility for himself. All you can do is to provide healthy, nutritious meals since you do the cooking and shopping, and encourage him to be a bit more active by exercising with you. Don't nag, just ask. I got my husband and son to walk with me most evenings and it's helped us out.

lithezebra

I don't see the problem with counting calories for your husband. Maybe a lot of people have never been married and don't realize that it's fairly common for one person to take care of the food shopping and meal preparation. I do the cooking at home. My husband is an adult, and he takes care of other things.

Cooking for someone isn't guaranteed to work. He could just eat more when he isn't home. However it might work, and it is certainly the kind of support that a lot of people say they want. It sounds like you're willing to work on a healthier lifestyle with him - great!

It sounds like this topic just came up. I don't think that you need to do anything about it until you and your husband have talked more about it.

mmm_drop

The only thing you can do is maybe buy some better-fitting clothes.

Everything else would piss you off, if you were in his shoes. You can't make someone lose weight, even if they complain about it every single day.

^This.

bethFromDayton

DH wanted to lose weight when I started (and he has, but not as much as I have).

One thing I do that does make a difference is I "plate" our food rather than serving family style. I measure everything and give him half again as much as I take for myself. He knows I'm doing this and is pleased about it. He has the ability to go for seconds, of course, but usually doesn't--he stops when his plate is empty.

The changes he's made at lunch, though, eating primarily salads--that's all his doing.

When I first started losing weight and he asked "how can I help?" (he's wonderful), I said that he could walk with me in the evenings, regardless of weather. (he hates to walk) We haven't been doing that because I walk with my walking partner at work, but I probably ought to start walking with him again for his sake :-)

It's hard enough "owning" your own weight loss progress--I can't imagine owning anyone else's.

maybeazure

I don't think you should count his calories for him. It won't be as effective for him, and it will put you in the position of the bad guy when you tell him he can't have something. As far as saying something to him about the weight, if it comes up again maybe say something like you find him very attractive still, but you do worry sometimes about his health. It's impossible to change someone else, but you can be a role model. After watching me lose close to 20 pounds, my husband decided to give MFP a try and now he's lost 15. I don't push him, or police his food intake, (although sometimes it is tempting) but I do tell him how nice it is that he's doing this with me.

Lili0817

No- I don't think you should count his calories. When he's ready if he wants/needs your help he will ask for it. It doesn't sound like he's too overweight based on height/weight. He could probably just use some exercise. I think you can help in other ways like cooking healthy meals, healthy snacks, no junk food at home (which you may already be doing this). Perhaps motivate him to workout with you, go for walks after dinner, be more active. When he's ready, he will make that change. Perhaps you can approach him about his complaning about his weight, and ask what he wants to do about it?

Missjulesdid

Because I controlled the food in the house I was responsible for my exhusbands weight gain.. I fed him and he ate what was on the plate. When we were first married, I just loaded up the plate and he ate the whole thing.. I had no idea how much he needed to eat.. and he was a very muscular fit guy (marathoner, weight lifter). In the first two months we were married he gained 20 pounds... TWENTY POUNDS!!!! Granted this was also at a time of the year where his job was very busy and he didn't make it to the gym often.. anyway, I didn't say anything to him.. I simply started putting less rice/bread and more veggies and proteins. I still made him homemade pizza every Friday but I made less of it and served other lighter things along with it... for Breakfast I started preparing a crudite plate and just setting it on the table for him to enjoy along with his more fattening ful, Manoushe or labaneh with bread. For his lunch I packed him one sandwich instead of two.. but I also gave him a salad and some fruit and more crudites to go along with it. His weight went back down almost as quickly as it shot up.

I recognize that your husband is a grown man.. but if in your relationship agreement, you are the one who has taken responsiblity for selecting and preparing the meals then the changes you make can go a long way in helping him to lose.

Teardrop81

I can understand the weight gain, but can't figure out the 5" gain in height. Did he have a post-adolescent growth spurt?

I, too, am baffled. :huh:

GoddezzSheila69

Sorry but he is a grown man. Until HE accepts himself for who he is now, heavy, and wants to become healthier/fit for himself you really can not do anything. If YOU are living to be healthy/fit and he sees this, maybe he will follow suit. But reality is health and fitness is a very personal thing. Psychology plays a role etc etc....Just be a good wife to him and take care of yourself. Oh and you can always donate all the clothes that do not fit him right now.

Lastly, when he does look good TELL HIM! Just like women, men need to know they are desired for who they are in completion. Acceptance is the first step.

And NO ONE IS EVER RESPONSIBLE for the way another person EATS! That is just ignorant thinking. Adults need to take ownership of their own habits etc.....My husband is a binge drinker, with a history of alcoholism. If I started drinking would that mean he is responsible for that? NO!

TheCaren

He needs to get to a place where he's willing to change, or all he's going to do is gobble a box of Twinkies on the way home from work if you calorie restrict him and he's not ready.

This is how that conversation would have gone at my house.
Husband: "Man, I can't fit my fat @$$ (actually my husband wouldn't use that phrase, but you get the point) into any of my clothes".
Wife: "You still look pretty hot to me! But I know how frustrating it is to have a bunch of clothes you can't get into. That's why I finally gave up and started making some changes in my eating. If you want I can show you how to use MFP" (if you think he's someone who can do the technology thing).

And that would be the last time I would ever mention it. Most people know HOW to lose weight. Eat less. Move more. They just have to get to their WANT to lose weight. And if he really WANTS to lose weight, he knows where the app is, he knows how to eat less and move more. I would never offer to track my husband's eating because he's a grown man and if he wants to track his eating, he can do so himself.

And since you recognize eating healthier is better, then you are probably already cooking healthier at home for everyone in the house anyway. You can't control what he does the rest of the time, but you can at least continue to offer healthy choices at dinner every night. But if the man wants ice cream, he's gonna eat ice cream.

wolverine66

No, I wouldn't count his calories for him, not unless he was an invalid. Part of this whole lifestyle change is taking responsibility for yourself, from your weight to your food and exercise. We are each responsible for what we put into our mouths and how we spend our 24 hours. When you do too much for someone, they don't develop their own strength.

done in one.

wolverine66

I can understand the weight gain, but can't figure out the 5" gain in height. Did he have a post-adolescent growth spurt?

I, too, am baffled. :huh:

don't over-think it. a lot of people meet their future spouse in middle/high school and sometimes earlier. that doesn't necessarily mean they have been "together" that whole time.

csuhar

I do think he needs to lose some weight for many reasons health being top of the list but I also want him to be happy. I am also curious as how I can approach this matter without hurting his feelings, any other men have these experiences?

My thought: Alongside the "put up or shut up" aspect, OFFER to sit down with him and talk about it. Obviously, you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want.

Then, break it down into numbers and turn it into a project he can work on himself. Show him a BMR / TDEE equation. Then, let him calculate his needs and, if he chooses, track his own calories. He sounds self-conscious about it, so giving him the knowledge and tools so he can do it himself may help.

By diverting it from an aesthetics or opinion-based issue of "I'm fat" to one of "I weigh X pounds. My body needs Y calories to maintain this weight. If I want to lose weight, I need a caloric deficit of Z calories" it can de-sensitize the issue and help avoid emotions. It can also help him feel he's more in control of what's going on.

In my family, my mother still occasionally says she can't believe my dad and I (both MFP users) are "letting a computer tell us what to eat". But we simply reply that WE control what we eat and we feel like we're more in control of ourselves because counting calories provides us with data that gives us better situational awareness. We don't feel like we're fixing ourselves. We feel much the same way as though we're looking at a car, computer, or machine and simply tweaking and upgrading it for better performance.

If he can feel like he's optmizing and maintaining the machine that is his body by breaking it down into numbers, it may be easier for him to do than to "fix" being "fat".

WhitneySheree88

Wow, so many responses! lol I guess I will start with saying thank you again for taking the time to reply to this, I greatly appreciate it. I guess I should I have told you all that his "fat *kitten*" comment wasn't the first, he has said it numerous of times since I started losing weight. Today was just the day, for me, that really struck a nerve. He is and always has been pretty open and honest with me about his feelings, so the "Men shouldn't express themselves" statements do not apply here (thank god) It's weird because before I started counting, working out and trying to live healthier I would ***** and moan about being fat daily and my husband said "If you don't like the way you look YOU have to change it" he was never mean about it or anything and I did. I realized I had to fix it myself, it started and ended with me. In his situation I feel like it started with me and ends with him (if that makes any sense) After I had our first son I cooked like Paula Dean, nothing healthy ever. That is when his weight gain started and now I am cooking healthier, I don't buy the junk food (not as much of it anyway) I rarely keep sweets in the house, I stopped getting fast food and started making almost everything myself. My husband works a desk job from 230 pm - 1030 pm. I have is dinner on a plate waiting for him when he gets home, though I think I should cut down the portions, his plate is usually a good bit bigger than mine and being so late, we cant go on walks together or anything. Maybe I will ask him to accompany me to a fitness class, someone suggested an MMA class or something he has actually said something about being interested in that. I still think hes hot, I tell him that but I don't really think he believes me. I express my love to him daily. I just want him to be happy with himself ... I realize I can't give him that but I would love to see him reach it himself.