Furious! Off topic...just need to vent somewhere

kschwab0203
kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
edited November 15 in Chit-Chat
My son loves an idolized his father who is a total piece of *kitten*. He is pretty much and absentee father who is not active in their lives. He makes all these promises to him and never follows through. He gets back in their "good graces" by buying them things, taking them on trips, eating at fancy restaurants, and staying in nice hotels.

I have a fiance of 3.5 year that lives with us and has stepped in an filled a lot of the dad role...going to football games, playing games with him, being the male role model, etc. Great! Except that I believe he resents my son for the way he idolizes his father. He is constantly harping on him and riding his *kitten* about something. I have two girls and he does not act like that towards them. He is always saying my son is just like his father and is a cry baby and that I don't discipline them. Which is very far from the truth. My son is a straight A student, he never gets in trouble at home or at school, he is very disciplined and is excellent at football and other sports. He is well mannered and one of the sweetest most gentle souls I have ever met.

Lately, he has been jumping on him and me because he thinks instead of playing football games on the tablet that he should be outside doing "boy" things. Even though his own son who is a teenager does nothing but play xbox if he is not at work...I guess that's ok because it's his kid.

So now that I've given the back story, here is why I'm pissed...

He stole my son's tablet yesterday so he could not play it and lied to me repeatedly about. He watched us tear up the house looking for it and at one point even told me that maybe I had lost my mind since I was the last one to move it. Who the *kitten* does that?!?!?! I truly do not understand why an adult would be this mean to kid. When I asked him why he did this he said "just to *kitten* with him"...ummm what?!?!? He is an 8 year old little boy and you are 37 year old man *kitten* with a child.

This has me questioning everything. I'm afraid that if we get married things will only get worse. I do not want my child to grow up feeling shameful and inadequate because he can't get over himself!
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Replies

  • RunHardBeStrong
    RunHardBeStrong Posts: 33,069 Member
    ^ agreed. I know it's easy to say just get rid of him but I would seriously get rid of him. That is a horrible thing to do and I don't think the way he treats your son is going to change.
  • mskimee
    mskimee Posts: 228 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    My son loves an idolized his father who is a total piece of *kitten*. He is pretty much and absentee father who is not active in their lives. He makes all these promises to him and never follows through. He gets back in their "good graces" by buying them things, taking them on trips, eating at fancy restaurants, and staying in nice hotels.

    I have a fiance of 3.5 year that lives with us and has stepped in an filled a lot of the dad role...going to football games, playing games with him, being the male role model, etc. Great! Except that I believe he resents my son for the way he idolizes his father. He is constantly harping on him and riding his *kitten* about something. I have two girls and he does not act like that towards them. He is always saying my son is just like his father and is a cry baby and that I don't discipline them. Which is very far from the truth. My son is a straight A student, he never gets in trouble at home or at school, he is very disciplined and is excellent at football and other sports. He is well mannered and one of the sweetest most gentle souls I have ever met.

    Lately, he has been jumping on him and me because he thinks instead of playing football games on the tablet that he should be outside doing "boy" things. Even though his own son who is a teenager does nothing but play xbox if he is not at work...I guess that's ok because it's his kid.

    So now that I've given the back story, here is why I'm pissed...

    He stole my son's tablet yesterday so he could not play it and lied to me repeatedly about. He watched us tear up the house looking for it and at one point even told me that maybe I had lost my mind since I was the last one to move it. Who the *kitten* does that?!?!?! I truly do not understand why an adult would be this mean to kid. When I asked him why he did this he said "just to *kitten* with him"...ummm what?!?!? He is an 8 year old little boy and you are 37 year old man *kitten* with a child.

    This has me questioning everything. I'm afraid that if we get married things will only get worse. I do not want my child to grow up feeling shameful and inadequate because he can't get over himself!

    Who does this to an 8 year old?? Whats next? He is also being a dick to you by pretending YOU lost it. Dump him!! Dump him now!
  • LittleHearseDriver
    LittleHearseDriver Posts: 2,677 Member
    Tell the douche bag he better start treating your son right or he can pack up his crap and leave. Your kids should come first before any man
  • melmelw03
    melmelw03 Posts: 5,332 Member
    No way in hell I'd let some man treat my child like that. Seems like a precursor of things to come later.
    Nope.
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    Sounds like finance needs a serious sit down chat about this, put him in his rightful place and make sure he knows the boundaries.. Set them now.. Fiance can accept them or move on..

    My dear this is truly a no brainer.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
    Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.



  • wanzik
    wanzik Posts: 326 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Start listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's podcasts. You seriously need her advice although you probably won't take it.

    This. Exactly.
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    I just told him the following:

    My children come first and I would put everything on the line for them. I will not allow you to determine how I raise my children. I really don't care much about what you think of my son anymore. After that disgusting display yesterday, I'm not even sure you are capable of having an opinion worth listening to. We need to put everything on hold (trying to buy a house/ marriage plans).

    Good for you, OP.

    I don't know all the ins and outs of your interactions with this man or all the ins and outs of the interactions with this man and your children, but I would use this time to evaluate whether this man is really worth marrying or this relationship is worth continuing.

    You need someone in your life who can love you as well as your children.
  • wanzik
    wanzik Posts: 326 Member
    J_Surita3 wrote: »
    That would be a total deal breaker for me. "Just to *kitten* with him."???? NO!!! Do notfuck with my son. You're out. No man on earth should be more important than your children. Not a single one.

    I'm surprised at how many people don't follow this philosophy. You don't mess with a bear cub or momma will be all over you and then some.
  • PandoraGreen721
    PandoraGreen721 Posts: 450 Member
    Constant_Nova wrote: »
    That feeling in the pit of your stomach is telling you to take flight, do not stay and fight. to test this theory, even after you converse with him- you will still feel that something is not right or off. Gaslighting is only the sign of far more sinister things to come.

    Agree...I'm glad you stood your ground..but if he had any respect for you or your son that garbage would've never taken place. Listen to that little voice. Besides...eff with my kid...and you're going to be sorry you did.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    Please understand, the man loves his own son and despises the son of another man. It's a biological tendency.

    It's also a component of much woe in blended families.

    I d hope you're not desperate enough for marriage to walk into that hell.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    JeromeBarry1 wrote: »
    Please understand, the man loves his own son and despises the son of another man. It's a biological tendency.

    It's also a component of much woe in blended families.

    I d hope you're not desperate enough for marriage to walk into that hell.


    I left one bad marriage after 15 years, I most certainly WILL NOT get myself involved in another.
  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
    Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.



    We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.
  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
    Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.



    We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.

    I would just tell him it's not his place. You are not married and hiding the boy's toys and lieing to you is juvenile. Dump him.
  • Unknown
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  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Have you got a friend or family member who knows about this too, who is local?
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Start listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's podcasts. You seriously need her advice although you probably won't take it.

    While in general I am extremely liberal socially, when children are involved, I'm right with Dr. Laura.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    kschwab0203 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
    Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.



    We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.

    You said that "My son is a straight A student, he never gets in trouble at home or at school, he is very disciplined and is excellent at football and other sports. He is well mannered and one of the sweetest most gentle souls I have ever met."
    Your son seems to know right from wrong and is not "getting away with murder" no matter what his biological father or stepfather does. This excuse of teaching him to be a man does not fly as you know the reality of your son's behaviour.
    Your fiance has some jealousy or some baggage from his upbringing or dislikes your child. It may be that because your son clearly loves his *kitten* father (more than him) your fiance (who thinks he is this great guy) is harder on him to punish him for loving someone *kitten*. It is an issue he needs to recognize as wrong and work to change.
    If he doesn't see his behavior as wrong then he needs to go.
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