Psychologically handling the new me

JulieSHelms

I guess what I want to know is how normal (or abnormal) some of my feelings are--if anyone else has experienced this.

After almost 30 years of being obese, I have successfully lost 117 lbs. I'm about 8 lbs away from my original goal where I plan to switch to maintenance, or at least reevaluate. It's a number that is still technically overweight but one that I felt good at when I was there as a 20 year old.

But here's the problem--I still feel like the old fat me. And it keeps showing up in ways that surprise me. People tell me I look better, but a little part of my brain says they're just being nice, because that's what you say to someone who has tried really hard. The guy behind the convenience store counter asked me the other day how much more weight I was going to lose. I was so surprised. I said..."You noticed?" and he said "of course, I did." I realized his comment meant more to me than the comments from all of the people who know me, because he knows nothing about me and has nothing to gain by lying or flattering me. So I think, well, maybe I do look a little different.

I've talked to my husband about it and he just says, "look in the mirror!" But the mirror lied to me when I was at my heaviest and it lies to me now. Somehow that image in the mirror is filtered through the brain and changed. So I just ask him to please tell me if I look normal. He says I do...but he loves me and is never critical of me...so it doesn't carry any weight with this demented part of my psyche!

But then something happened today that really almost scared me. I did a side by side picture of a 'before and after' that I posted on another thread here yesterday. (I'll post below again). I was kind of staring at it today and then got lost in thought about weight issues, then came to and looked at the 'after' side. And this thought actually crossed my mind..."I wish I looked like her." It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd done. You idiot, that IS you. But it doesn't matter--as soon as I look away from the picture, I'm just the fat woman sitting there wishing she could lose weight.

For the record, I have no history of psychological or body image disorders. But I certainly recognize there is a problem here in my thought process. Do other people experience this? Will my whole brain 'catch up' to the changes at some point?

My other concern is that with maintenance approaching...I need to be able to switch over, which will be hard if I still can't accept that I'm done with the losing part. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.



SW 300
CW 183
GW 175
5'8"

sbrandt37

I think lots of people experience this to greater or lesser degrees. I have been dealing with it a bit myself and it is definitely taking me some time to get used to the new me. There was even one day when I looked in the mirror and was momentarily horrified by how skinny I looked (at perhaps 220 pounds). I swear I thought my muscles were melting away. Now that my weight loss has slowed as I approach my goal weight, I am starting to get more used to it. Still, it is strange how much I still see myself the same as I did before, even though I have lost nearly 50 pounds.

seska422

JulieSHelms wrote: »

But the mirror lied to me when I was at my heaviest and it lies to me now. Somehow that image in the mirror is filtered through the brain and changed.

(snip)

My other concern is that with maintenance approaching...I need to be able to switch over, which will be hard if I still can't accept that I'm done with the losing part. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

I've had a similar experience with self-judgement about appearance when using a mirror. I don't feel like I'm as big as I am when obese or as small as I am when I weigh less. I just look in the mirror and think "meh, not too bad" regardless of my weight. Pictures work much better. If you want to read some other stories, try searching on Google for "opposite of body dysmorphic disorder".

As for maintenance, I'm getting close myself. I've never succeeded at maintenance. This time, I plan to keep doing the same thing I've done to lose weight, just with a slightly larger calorie budget. As long as I stay the course, I should be fine.

ShaleSelkies

Disorders or otherwise it's a huge change, especially having been obsese for so long and it will probably take some time to fully register. I'm not in the same situation as you, but I know I've experienced similar sensations with my scars - at times it's taken a while to fully register that a scarred part of my body is still my own and there've been times I've been convinced and confused for minutes at a time that this must be someone else's arm before slowly I realize that I can feel it as my own and that it's actually mine. In any large change it's definitely a thing.

If you are able I think you'd find it useful to talk to a psychologist or if not just people you trust or feel most comfortable doing so about it to help you through the transition and check in to make sure you're ok emotionally as you switch over to maintenance. I'd highly recommend this actually I know lots of people feel weird going to psychologists but if you can they can be really helpful to help you figure out where you are and how to get where you'd like to go, you don't have to have a mental illness to benefit.

In terms of actually seeing the change yourself as strange as this may sound how about trying overlaying some of your before pictures with your after ones and lining up your body as best as you can? It could help you notice differences you wouldn't otherwise be able to in a mirror or just looking between the two, if you'd like to do so.

crackpotbaby

You know that feeling you if you dramatically change your hair, but forget until you catch a glimpse of your reflection?

That but amplified.

samthepanda

I lost 70lbs and had some of the same feelings. One of the weirdest things I remember was doing a charity walk with some colleagues when I'd lost about 60. I was looking photos from it later, and there was one of a large group of walkers taken from behind. I could find my colleague but not me but I was sure we'd been walking together for that stretch. It took me about a week to realise that I was next to her but as the person next to her (me) was slimmer than her I just couldn't see how it could be me.
As for maintenance, you have to treat that as seriously as losing. Add a couple of hundred cals and keep logging. It takes a while to get it right. Don't panic if the scale jumps, adjust down a little and keep logging.
You look amazing! Well done you.

zyxst

I have those thoughts, too.

There is one full-length mirror in this house. It's upstairs in a guess bedroom. I rarely use look in it except if I'm wanting to see how a coat or pants look on me. The other mirrors only show mid-chest and higher. When I'm out with my husband and we pass by a business with the full windows, I always want to know who that skinny b1tch is walking with my husband. Ha, *I'm* the skinny b1tch! It catches me off-guard all the time, every time.

I think it will take a very long time for me to not ask "who's that skinny b1tch?" when I see my full reflection. I was obese for 35+ years. I don't know when or if I will see myself as "thin" or "normal". I feel like this imposter when I buy "normal" size clothes because I know how fat and flabby I still am. Clothes hide a lot of flab - bingo wings, stomach overhang, saddle bags.

youdoyou2016

I think your experience is pretty common judging how often it comes up in other threads. A lot of people say it takes a while for the brain to catch up to the body. For me (I lost over 100 lbs -- about 10 more to go), I step on the scale and often see the numbers reversed. 172 instead of 127, for example. But, I literally see 172, 182, etc. It's like I have to "snap out of it" to see the real number -- my brain still expects to be in the 180s, 190s, etc. and I've not been in those #s for over a year now. So, the thing going on with pics of yourself seems, to me, to be a similar version of what I go through.

One thing I noticed: I lost a lot of weight and then started a new job, so no one knows the old me. THAT is also a weird experience as people relate to me a little and thin -- as if I've always been that way. It's weird, but I think ultimately good for me because it forced me to see myself in a "real" way, through others' eyes. Just recently, actually, I started thinking of myself as little and am pretty sure it's because I'm sort of "forced" into that accurate view of myself because of my new environment -- I mean this in a good way. I started just noticing things like obese and overweight people seem to gravitate towards me to share a seat on the train -- because we fit. Like I'm a "seat buddy" Godsend to an entire population of people! It's taken a while, and it's sometimes subtle, but walking around the city, standing in groups of people, etc -- I start seeing my body in relation to other bodies and have started to get that I AM pretty thin and little.

Not sure if there is anything in there that helps -- if there is some way for you to put yourself in some situations where you can start to see yourself a little differently, perhaps? Getting out of the routine sometimes provides a new perspective.

Owlfan88

I "only" lost about 35 pounds, so you would think the disconnect would be less (and it probably is LESS), but it's still there. I look at clothes and think, that can't possibly fit me. And then it does or it is still too big! And I've been at maintenance, more or less, for almost 18 months now. Still getting used to it.

sydnisd183

Owlfan88 wrote: »

I "only" lost about 35 pounds, so you would think the disconnect would be less (and it probably is LESS), but it's still there. I look at clothes and think, that can't possibly fit me. And then it does or it is still too big! And I've been at maintenance, more or less, for almost 18 months now. Still getting used to it.

Me too. I started at 192 in April 2016 and i'm at about 156 today. (My goal is 150). I went from a size 18 to a 8 or 10, but I continue to hang on to my 12's because that's what I feel I "deserve" to be in. Also still hang onto and wear my XL and L shirts (even though i'm wearing M or S now). Confession: a part of my mind thinks there's "something wrong" medically with me because I never expected to actually get down to the 150's (I get regular checkups, mammograms, etc and i'm ok though).

I still see the bigger person in the mirror.

Clemsonlkg

I lost 86 pounds (on a 5' frame) a few years ago and I had the same experience. As an obese person, I couldn't see myself properly - "I couldn't be that big!" I was normal weight until my late 20's so the person I expect to see in the mirror is thin. Even as I gained (ALL) the weight back, I couldn't see it.

I am losing again, and this time I am focusing on developing healthy behaviors and a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I am focusing on how I FEEL: more energetic and optimistic instead of how I LOOK or what I weigh. I am only weighing in once a month, so I have to focus on the real changes instead of the side effects of the changes. Healthy behaviors will result in a healthy body and hopefully a healthy mind.

I thought that I had an eating problem, but really I have a thinking problem. I have proved to myself that I can lose weight, and I have proved to myself that I can gain weight. I hope that if I practice healthy behaviors during my weight loss phase, it will be easier to continue them in maintenance. Last time I had a neurotic and perfectionist approach during weight loss, and I definitely carried that into maintenance. Now I am trying a healthy and forgiving approach, so we'll see if practice pays off!

kgirlhart

Your feelings are normal. I lost about 70 pounds and there are days that I still feel fat. I am starting to have some days where I feel slender, but the fat feelings are there more often. I think it does take a while to readjust, and honestly I don't know if we ever really see ourselves the way others see us regardless of our weight. You look amazing in your pictures, but even before I saw the picture I was thinking to myself there is no way you lost 117 pounds and do not look better than before. People are not just being nice when they say that. I understand about the mirror lying too. There is one mirror that I have that I used to always think it was not accurate. It almost seemed like a fun house mirror. I always looked way bigger in that mirror than I thought I really was. But now, when I look in that mirror I get the complete opposite effect. I look way thinner than I think I am. So I have realized it isn't the mirror that is off, it is my thinking and my perception of myself. I don't know if any of this helps, but I do want you to know that I do understand. I think that people who have never lost weight can't really understand how you don't just know how great you look now.

ETA I love it that you look like the woman you wish you look like. You should put some pictures of yourself in places where you will see them often. You really do look great!

samthepanda

I have pair of skinny jeans. I've had them for 3 years (my weight loss was 5 years ago) but still when I'm sorting laundry I regularly pick them up and wonder where they came from because I think they look like they'll fit an 8 year old (my kids are 13 and 4)!

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

First of all you look great! Well done.

My brain caught up about 6 months after I reached my goal weight. I also didn't realize that my clothes didn't fit and were hanging off of me until a friend of mine was like "hey . . . you need new clothes. Those are huge." Don't fret yet. Give your brain some time to adjust.

wyhone

I struggle with this all of the time. I'm a 44 yro, 5'0 female. In Jan of 2016 I weighed 278 and now I weigh 150 (no surgery, no diet plans, so starving; just eating clean and working out consistently). I have worked so hard (as have we all) and I thought that when I got leaner I might have some loose skin, but what I'm left with is way more then I anticipated. My trainer estimates that I'm carrying 15 to 20 lbs of skin, most of it in the area from mid-thigh to just under my shoulders. He told me one day, "I know the scale may say 150, but your actual body is really at about 135; so for a women your height who is weight training and at about 23% bf, you should feel good about that." I know he meant well and I do appreciate it but frankly I don't feel good about that. I used to wear big clothes to cover my fat. Now I wear them to cover up my skin. I thought after all this hard work I'd be able to wear something that wasn't to hide in but after all this time and hard work, that hasn't changed at all. I keep thinking that maybe if I keep trying to lean out more I'll be able to hide it better but who knows. I used to think if I ever got strong and fit that I'd be able to experience the seasons changing into summer without feeling a sense of dread at the thought of a bathing suit, but yet here I am, feeling exactly the same. I try to focus on the positive and most days I do ok, but today seems a little harder and then I saw this thread and couldn't help but be glad to see that I'm not the only one struggling with this.

NorthCascades

JulieSHelms wrote: »

Do other people experience this? Will my whole brain 'catch up' to the changes at some point?

I can't answer the second question but I can tell you my answer for the first one, and it's like most people who replied, meaning there's a pattern, and it'll probably apply to you, too.

I lost a bunch of weight. For a long time, I was surprised every time I walked by a mirror or window. I still felt fat. I didn't feel like my reflection looked. It took about a year and a half for my brain to catch up and see myself as I am now.

By the way your pictures are incredible. Congratulations!

coboblack

Man, you are ROCKING it. I think it is easy to feel that way about losing weight because it is so gradual. Its great that you have a before picture that you can look at side by side with how you look now. There is all the truth you ever need. I, like the store clerk, have never met you and have no reason to lie. You look great.

vxCricketxv

Congratulations! Tremendous job and you look fabulous. I am also experiencing some of the same. I have to stop and study my own reflection, because I don't recognize myself. I have trouble believing what I'm seeing in the mirror for whatever reason at the time. It doesn't help that (the same) people tend to treat me differently now. They open doors, give a simple nod or smile of acknowledgment when I pass by. It's surreal.

leanjogreen18

First you look amazing. I only hope to look as good when I get to my goal weight. I say that honestly!

Second, I think it will take you time to "catch up" with the "new you". Also part of it maybe fear of going back?

Keep looking at your before and after pictures.

lorrpb

You've done a great job! 30 years of thinking is a lot to reverse and it takes awhile to do this. I'm still working on it. But when I have the negative thoughts, I just remind myself that they are NOT TRUE and I'm still adjusting to the new me. You are what you are NOW, not what you used to be. Post your before and after pics and measurements on your mirror or where you can see them all the time. I hope you kept at least one piece of original clothing to compare yourself to. Take a picture of yourself wearing it now! (Check out my current profile pic.)
Focus on FACTS and not feelings about your current body. Some days I still feel very fat, and I just tell myself that it's ridiculous and not true and instead I focus on who I am and what I can do now. We can't just "wait" for our brains to "catch up" with the new reality, we have to actively RETRAIN them to identify and celebrate what the new reality is.
As far as maintenance, you are done because you are done and have reached x goal. You do not need to "feel" done in order to adopt new habits. Figure out your new calorie level and eat accordingly. Set a 5-10 lb maintenance range. If you reach the top of the range, go back to eating at a 250 calorie deficit for a few weeks until you get back to the middle.

lorrpb

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alphabetsoup2013

It takes time for your brain to catch up with the changes you've made. It took me two years to lose the weight (130 lbs.) and I've been maintaining that weight loss for the past two years. I can honestly say that I'm finally "at peace" with my weight/appearance after a lifetime of wanting to be in this place. I feel happy, healthy, and confident.

If I met you on the street, I would never guess that you'd once been 117 pounds heavier. I hope that helps to reassure you that you do, in fact, look like someone who is at a healthy weight.

mamadon

I think you will get more used to the new you over time. You and I are very similar. I'm 54, and have been maintaining a 118 pound loss for almost three years. I had been obese for around 20 years. For probably the first year after maintaining, I would still catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think who is that? Or I would try on clothes at the store that were too big for me. Although I have gotten used to the changes, I still sometimes think people see me as fat when they meet me for the first time. It's different for us all of course, but just give yourself time. And Congratulations!

jagodfrey08

I know how you feel. I was just telling my husband the same thing today. I have lost almost 45 lbs, and it is really hard for me not to see the 203 lb me in the mirror. Just take it a day at a time. Body dysmorphia is hard to overcome, and sometimes talking to a professional can help. You have made a significant change in your life, and sometimes it's hard for our psyche to catch up. You look amazing!!

FitOldMomma

Oh boy...I know what you mean!

My loss has been pretty gradual, taking me nearly 3 yrs. But it's the last 40 pounds that really have everyone noticing my changed body.

I'm finally starting to FEEL thinner too. But in my mind's eye..I still see myself as nearly 300 pounds. When clothes shopping it's still weird to see these tiny looking clothes, knowing that YES, they ARE going to fit my new smaller body. When folding clean laundry I sometimes chuckle when I see how small my clothes now look in comparison to what they used to,lol!

But something you said is interesting...that "the mirror lied to you" even when you WERE your heaviest- so perhaps you really do have a dysmorphic view of yourself?

I too never thought I looked morbidly obese when I saw my mirror reflection...but oh man, when I saw myself in photographs I was mortified! WHO IS THAT my mind asked? Now when I see pictures I'm seeing myself as OTHERS are seeing me too.

Just give it some more time...really look at your new smaller self. I've heard it can take several years until our brains catch up with our new body's look.

As for maintenance...don't fear it! I was so worried about it approaching and that somehow it was the 'end' of something and that from then on it was all about fighting regaining. I gave this a lot of thought and realized I am a different person now. I am a thinner person who will just continue on with what I've learned to do these last three years; monitor what I'm eating, make certain I'm getting daily activity, and ENJOY being fitter and healthier!

Congratulations on your incredible weight loss. And, you look FABULOUS! Believe it!

JeromeBarry1

You, I, and many others have lost a lot of weight. Those who went before me say that it takes time for the brain to catch up to the body, but it will. I wait.

lulalacroix

You really do look incredible! Well done.

JoeCWV

I lost 70 pounds. I never saw myself as fat so when I looked in the mirror I always saw myself at the weight I am. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I guess my body image was different than yours, and probably a bigger problem because I had no desire to lose weight for the longest time.

The issue I have is with clothes. I lost several sizes. For example T-shirts went from a 2XL which was tight to now wearing a large that is loose. Still after almost 3 years in maintenance I'll go to put on a shirt or a pair of pants and swear to myself they are way too small.

You look amazing and should be proud of your accomplishment. Rest assured you are not crazy. You see yourself every day so you don't really see the change until you do a side by side comparison. Others notice and I am sure you feel much better.

Feeling better and living a longer healthier life is what this is all about. So long as you trust the scale and maintain a healthy weight the self image issue is no biggie. As for how long it takes to change your self image? I don't know, I'll let you know when I stop thinking my pants look too small.

Docbanana2002

I lost 117 pounds too and felt that way too. I still felt the same on the inside and it was hard to connect with the woman in the mirror. Some of my insecurities and automatic thoughts that popped into my head were still there like old habits.

I remember one time when I was looking clothes and saw some cute pants, and thought I would try a 10. I knew it would be too small but I wanted to just see if I could squeeze in them. I was so ashamed to try those pants on I waited till other shoppers moved away and no one was looking to get the pants and even covered the size label as I was walking to the dressing room. I got in there and guess what... they were WAY too big!!! I needed to go out and get an 8. It dawned on me how silly it was that I felt like random shoppers would notice this big fat girl was trying on 10s and giggle!! I knew I must look to them like the size 8 that I was rather than this 22w woman in my mind and so they wouldn't notice or care.

There was another time when I was walking down the street eating and suddenly felt insecure and ashamed that people driving by would see me eat. I was picturing them seeing a fat girl stuffing her face and making herself fatter and judge me. But then it dawned on me that I was by then a size 6, a size that in no way would catch the eye of random drivers as an alarmingly huge person... and I was dressed in the clothes I had worn to do weightlifting at the YMCA while eating a protein bar and a piece of fruit and going for a walk on a pretty day....perfectly healthy and non shameful behavior that should not elicit scorn in other drivers....I suddenly realized how foolish my reaction was but it was so ingrained in me to see myself in this way that it just came out automatically.

I've been maintaining for 18 months and I've reached a point where my current body feels and looks to me like my normal body. I don't look fat to myself anymore .Those old thoughts have calmed down and I've adjusted. I recognize myself in the mirror now and have lost the compulsion to stop and gawk at myself when I pass a mirror. The woman staring back is just boring ole me and not this strange fascinating creature.

The fact that you recognize that you have this issue and are open to understanding it enough to make this post suggests to me that you are probably going to be just fine. Just give it some time to adjust. The folks who worry me are the ones who insist that the distorted thinking and body dysmorpia are logical and fight those who tell them differently . They are at risk of not self correcting as time goes by because they are not self aware enough to realize there is an issue to correct. And they may just starve themselves to unhealthy degrees in efforts to rid themselves of "fat" that is only in their minds. You sound pretty self aware though.... so just keep challenging those thoughts and give it a little time for your mind to catch up with your body.

Docbanana2002

Oh and for the record the woman in the after photo does NOT look fat. You just look like an average sized person, not especially big or small.

cparsons_60

I've lost only 50 pounds, but I've kept it off for over a year now. I experienced a lot of what other posters are describing, but probably to a lesser degree because my weight loss wasn't as large. What helped me was focusing on how much I could do now, not on how I looked. Even realizing that I'm more comfortable standing than sitting, that I can bend to pick something off the floor or tie a shoe and straighten up without a thought, helped me to internalize the change. Toward the end of my weight loss I took up a sport, rowing, which I've come to love. I get such a kick out of thinking of myself as athletic (who, me??) and strong. Focusing on what my body could do after my weight loss, rather than on how it looked, gave me real joy. I hope this might help you. Congratulations!