So lost and alone

WinnieLearns2BStrong

Hello. I am sorry to bother you all with my problems but I don't have anyone else to turn to. As a bit of backstory, I gained almost 100 pounds in the 9 years after I married my husband. I have tons of excuses, but they don't matter. I am disgusted with myself, but not as much as my husband is disgusted with me. He flat out said he is unattracted to me; I broke our vows by gaining so much weight. I love him so much and want my marriage to work. I've lost just over 50 pounds so far, but to my husband it isn't enough. He's not supporting my loss; he mocks my food scale and logging and says I never should have gotten fat to begin with.

Well, i just found out he's been talking to these thin and gorgeous women on tinder. I confronted him, and he said he was only talking and I should be grateful that he's not actually cheating on me. I feel so lost...

I know I shouldn't forgive him; this should be a deal breaker. But the thought of being alone makes me physically ill. Am I overreacting? If he's never actually slept with anyone else, should I care he's talking sexy with these women? I know that I won't find anyone else, so if my marriage ends, I'll be alone.

Thanks.

not_my_first_rodeo

No, you are not overreacting. He is in the wrong here. This is not how partners should support one another. You are not alone.

estherdragonbat

Not overreacting. Not at all.

CafeRacer808

Wow, your husband sounds like a superficial, uncaring, unsupportive *kitten*. I don't think you're over reacting at all. Based on what you've posted, it seems clear to me (as an outsider) that he only liked you for your looks, not for who you are as a person. I think you should absolutely care that he's texting with other women. If it bothers me, someone who obviously doesn't know either of you, then I think it should absolutely bother you as well. Also, how are you so sure he hasn't cheated? And please try to get out of the mindset that you'll never find someone else. Even though you may feel that way right now, you've no idea what the future holds.

If preserving this relationship is important to you, I'd suggest you try to start with marriage counseling. Maybe this is something you guys can work through. If he's resistant to the idea - and something tells me he might be - there's your answer. As far as I'm concerned, if he's not willing to put in the work to make your marriage successful, then he's probably not emotionally invested in it to begin with.

With all that said, it sounds like you have a lot of soul searching to do. But if I was in your shoes, I'd end that relationship pronto. Breaking up or ending a marriage is obviously really tough, but it's better to be the dumper than the dumpee because at least you'll retain some measure of control over your life and your happiness.

I'm normally not one to suggest using revenge as a motivator for weight loss because the desire to lose weight and get healthy needs to be about you, not someone else. But in this case, perhaps having that revenge chip on your shoulder will give you the motivation to keep striving for your weight loss and fitness goals, even in the face of what I have to imagine is a very stressful and depressing time in your life.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

WinnieLearns2BStrong

Thank you all so much for responding. You're all right, of course; right now I'm just so confused

CafeRacer808

Perhaps instead of marriage counseling, you should speak to a therapist on your own first. A qualified therapist will help you process everything you're going through and help you find the strength to do what's best for you.

__TMac__

I agree, of course. When my first marriage was failing, I went to counseling to try to figure out why I was struggling. I'd hoped I could fix whatever was keeping me from being happy. As it turned out, it clarified for me that the marriage had been over for years and gave me the strength and confidence to leave. I too thought I would be alone forever. But that was 16 years ago, and I'm about to celebrate my 15th anniversary with my second husband, who is the father of my 3 kids. If I hadn't left, I'd still be in that miserable marriage. And you know what? I felt lonelier inside that marriage than I did after I left. Take care of yourself. ((Hugs))

dlokamin

I don't want you to take this the wrong way by any means. I know I don't know you but, #1 You are better than him on so many levels. He married you for better or worse not for thin and never changing. #2 it seams He has taken your self esteem away. He is supposed to love honor and cherish you until death do you part. I too have gained a ton of weight since I married my husband even at my highest weight and lowest self esteem did my husband ever tell me anything other than your beautiful to me. Even now when I'm logging my food and weighing it out he supports me. I am going to be praying for you, you deserve to be cherished not torn down by his words and actions.

MeganAA18

I agree with what everyone has said, and just wanted to add my support. Taking care of yourself is priority and it sounds like he is not adding to that. Trust me, if you're worried about being alone forever, you won't be. I married my husband at my heaviest weight which was 260 lbs and I'm 5'1. There are people out there who will love you for who you are not for what you look like. I used to think no one would ever love me if I was fat, I thought I was worthless and unlovable and I was so so wrong. Just make yourself a priority and the rest will follow. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it! *love*

WinnieLearns2BStrong

Thanks everyone for being so kind to me. I need to take a few days to clear my head so I'm going to visit my parents. Husband won't come because he doesn't like them and hates when I visit. But I need to do this.

You don't think I have to tell them, do you. It's dumb I just told the whole internet my business but I'm afraid my mom and dad will judge me.

Stella3838

I would hope they would understand if you talked to them, but you know them better than us. Only you can really make that call. Wishing you all the best.

chanevadaniela629

I gained 90 pounds during and after my pregnancy and have been struggling to lose weight permanently ever since, it' s been almost 10 years now.I kept loosing and gaining weight, now finally on the right path I hope.The only thing that kept me sane is the constant support from my partner. The person standing next to you in life should be your rock, he is the one to know when you are suffering, when you are sad, happy and how much it is bothering you gaining that much weight!!! It is your life but never for a moment think that without him you will end up alone, there is someone to appreciate you, I am sure! Putting up with such attitude and lack of compassion, understanding and love for that matter will eat you alive and will make it even more difficult for you to tackle those extra pounds ( especially if you are like me - comfort eater when something is bothering me). Good luck with whatever decision you make but that guy needs to get his priorities right! Stay strong!

mir1104

To be honest I think losing whatever weight, be it 100 or more lbs won't change the way he treats you. He'll find another excuse, the only difference is now he has a big one that you too validate because you too say you're disgusted with yourself. He's just riding that wave, validating your feelings and making you feel miserable based on them, well it's called emotional abuse.
I don't think it's the marriage that should be rescued there but you!

starbuckette

Your husband is not a kind and caring man. He has toyed with your self esteem to the point where you don't think you are worthy of someone and will always be alone. You will not be, because you are a good person with morals and values, both of which he seems to be lacking. If you are so terrible, why doesn't he leave? Because his self esteem is in the toilet too. And he is on a mission to make sure yours is worse. Losing 50lbs is a fantastic achievement and should be celebrated, not mocked. As you loose weight he becomes more insecure and works harder to kill your self esteem. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are better than this man and this marriage is not worth saving. I would be honest with your parents - you'll probable find out they are not that keen on him and will support you if you want to end the relationship. Also, it is strange that he doesn't like you going to your parents - another thing he should do because YOU like it and it's good for YOU. He is probably scared they will shed some much needed light on him. And he should be. Don't let him treat you like this. As soon as you stand up to him he is going to try to "put you in your place". If you leave him he'll beg for forgiveness and beg you to come back. But he won't change. He is fundamentally mean and needs counseling to figure out why he has to control people and put them down to make himself feel better. Start making plans to kick him to the curb. You really don't deserve this and you will be far happier being independent and free from verbal abuse. Your confidence will soar and your weight will fall off. The fact that you've lost 50lbs while going through all this stress is a testament to your strength. You are amazing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

distinctlybeautiful

wifeofgodek wrote: »

Thanks everyone for being so kind to me. I need to take a few days to clear my head so I'm going to visit my parents. Husband won't come because he doesn't like them and hates when I visit. But I need to do this.

You don't think I have to tell them, do you. It's dumb I just told the whole internet my business but I'm afraid my mom and dad will judge me.

It's not dumb. You'll tell them when - or if - you're ready. They may be your parents, but that doesn't mean you have to tell them about this. It's your private life to disclose as you choose. I know that fear of being judged, so I can relate. Just remember that what's going on isn't your fault, that relationships - especially marriages - are difficult and personal and not for anyone outside to judge, and that if you think you'll get support, try not to let embarrassment stop you.

pinuplove

wifeofgodek wrote: »

Thanks everyone for being so kind to me. I need to take a few days to clear my head so I'm going to visit my parents. Husband won't come because he doesn't like them and hates when I visit. But I need to do this.

You don't think I have to tell them, do you. It's dumb I just told the whole internet my business but I'm afraid my mom and dad will judge me.

You don't have to tell them, but don't be surprised if they figure out something is wrong. You're their daughter and they're not going to like seeing you in emotional pain. His hating you going to see them is just another way of manipulating and attempting to emotionally isolate you.

Spliner1969

My wife gained lots of weight after having our three kids, so did I. She still struggles with losing it and guess what.. I still love her as much as I did the day I married her. I say lose the weight, get fit as hell, and then divorce him and leave him alone with the shallow women he wants to be with. Take half of everything while you're at it, hit him for child support, and alimony. Just don't expect fair treatment in Missouri, new laws here have the upper hand for fathers, male judges are using it as a way to let them out of child support all together. If you're in a different state, you may well have better luck.

lynder64

((( Hugs ))) ^ what they all have said. Take care of yourself mentally (talk to a therapist) & physically (sounds like you're doing amazing thus far in the weight loss department, Good job!!! Keep it up) ... you are SO worth it!!!

JBApplebee

You deserve better. As I've discovered recently, some people don't take vows as seriously as others. You have to do what's best for you, because IMHO, your husband sounds like a selfish prick. Nothing's worse than feeling that no matter what you do or how hard you try, that your spouse isn't there for you or would rather be with someone else.

WinnieLearns2BStrong

I actually have tears in my eyes. You all are so much kinder to me than I deserve. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

dottiedj

@wifeofgodek You deserve all the kindness in the world. Your *sshole of a husband has taken away all of your self-esteem and left you feeling unworthy of love and kindness. Take some time to learn to love yourself, stand up for yourself and decide what you want in life. You are worth it!

jasmarie24

Hello beautiful! I agree with what everyone's been saying. Don't let ANYONE determine your happiness or your worth! Look at what you've accomplished so far , you're down 50lbs which is great! You're also obviously a lot stronger than what your giving yourself credit for, you had the strength to leave a bad situation before which takes guts and you know. I can't tell you what to do in your marriage because the final decagon is yours. However, what I can say is, do what's best for you. Really think this thing through, and don't think in terms of what he may think or want you to do. Consider your worth and your strengths while making your decision. Most importantly have faith that you are stronger than what you think, because you are!

not_my_first_rodeo

CafeRacer808 wrote: »

Perhaps instead of marriage counseling, you should speak to a therapist on your own first. A qualified therapist will help you process everything you're going through and help you find the strength to do what's best for you.

THIS. I am a huge advocate of therapy. The therapist has no agenda other than to listen to you and to help you. It sounds like you've got a lot going on here and maybe this is the first step.

fitoverfortymom

Ditto on the therapy here. Keep up with your weight loss. You are doing all the right things to improve yourself. Your marriage might get better, it might not, but therapy and improving your health will help you feel empowered and confident with any decisions about your life or your marriage you want to make. Getting your mind straight will work wonders. There's an awesome person inside you--you just gotta believe she's there.

VeryKatie

wifeofgodek wrote: »

Hello. I am sorry to bother you all with my problems but I don't have anyone else to turn to. As a bit of backstory, I gained almost 100 pounds in the 9 years after I married my husband. I have tons of excuses, but they don't matter. I am disgusted with myself, but not as much as my husband is disgusted with me. He flat out said he is unattracted to me; I broke our vows by gaining so much weight. I love him so much and want my marriage to work. I've lost just over 50 pounds so far, but to my husband it isn't enough. He's not supporting my loss; he mocks my food scale and logging and says I never should have gotten fat to begin with.

Well, i just found out he's been talking to these thin and gorgeous women on tinder. I confronted him, and he said he was only talking and I should be grateful that he's not actually cheating on me. I feel so lost...

I know I shouldn't forgive him; this should be a deal breaker. But the thought of being alone makes me physically ill. Am I overreacting? If he's never actually slept with anyone else, should I care he's talking sexy with these women? I know that I won't find anyone else, so if my marriage ends, I'll be alone.

Thanks.

Um... actually he's breaking his vows, not you. "In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad". He should be loving you, supporting you, and helping you.

Huge red flag that he has a Tinder account at all.

I don't agree that it should be an automatic "no forgiveness deal breaker" but it is an issue the two of you need to try to fix before it becomes that. So I suggest continuing to lose weight (if that's what you want) and get the both of you into therapy. A marriage is something that takes work, it's a commitment, and it deserves both of yours time and effort to fix it if it's breaking.

To me, cheating with emotions is the same as cheating physically. He is cheating on you. But that's why the two of you need to look into getting help. And he needs to get off dating and booty call websites/apps immediately.

SueSueDio

wifeofgodek wrote: »

I actually have tears in my eyes. You all are so much kinder to me than I deserve. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

No no no... see, this is what he's done to you. You don't think you're worthy of love and affection, or even simple kindness from strangers, but you are!

I wrote a long piece of waffle here and then decided against it - the main point is that you're getting some good advice here from others. Work on yourself first, then decide if you feel it's worth working on your marriage. Don't let fear of being alone stop you from leaving if that's what you need to do - better to be alone than with a superficial person who doesn't love you for who you are on the inside, and you won't be alone for ever.

I wish you nothing but the best. Take care. *lots of hugs*

WildePillar

He broke the vows, not you. Since when do the vows say that you can't gain weight?? It's not, "I'll vow to love you in sickness and health, as long as you are thin." He is wrong here.

jennifer_417

It's one thing to admit that he's not attracted to you anymore. But to use your weight gain as an excuse for his behavior is way out of bounds. He's way out of line.

Pynkklady

Please know that your value is not based on your looks. You sound like an intelligent, loyal, kind person, and that has EXTREME value. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and dignity. Perhaps your husband is using your weight gain as a way out, in which case, nothing you do will change his mind. If he has already decided to go, he will go. My opinion is that you should let him! Continue on your amazingly successful weight loss journey and have some satisfaction in knowing he lost something wonderful!! And did you have a specific vow in your ceremony that stated you would never gain weight? I'm thinking that the whole 'in sickness and in health' trumps that. I would see a therapist so you can work thru the denigrating thoughts he planted in your mind, and please know that you are not alone.

FitOldMomma

You deserve better. It's as simple as that. Keep up with your weight loss (if that's what makes YOU happy because YOU want it) and perhaps some therapy to boost your self esteem. Truly- you are worth it.

dejavuohlala

You deserve much better than a husband like that.! You carry on getting healthy and more confident and show him you are made of better stuff. Good luck