How to encourage your spouse?
kksmom1789
Posts: 281 Member
Hello I want to encourage my spouse to lose weight not because I don't like the way he looks because he has high blood pressure and is pre diabetic and I think he would just be happier and I definitely want him to live a longer healthy life he's 32 and 6ft tall and weighs between 380-400 I don't know an exact because he hates weighing himself I want to encourage him and push him the right way without making him feel bad he did download MyFitnessPal a couple weeks ago but deleted it for reasons I'm not sure of anyone have any ideas???
2
Replies
-
you can lead by example, cook healthier meals, purchase healthier food from the store. In general, you won't be able to convince him, it will need to be something he comes to on his own.19
-
He has to be ready. You can't make him ready; he has to get to that point himself.
You can do some things that steer both of you toward lower overall calories without being obvious about it, such as aiming toward high volume but lower calorie when you cook at home and choosing lower calorie places to eat when you are out and about.9 -
Hopefully when he see how well you are doing it will inspire him5
-
It really depends on the relationship. My husband and I are pretty honest and blunt with each other. When he was diagnosed with high blood pressure I simply told him it was time to change. I didn't have a problem with his looks but if I had I would not have said anything. I was worried about his health and that's what I said. I flat out told him that I wasn't going to sit around and watch him die so we were making changes. Not totally overhauling our whole life, just some small changes for the better. Less of the bad stuff, more of the good.8
-
I would encourage you guys to watch some weight-loss shows together, like Chris Powell's transformation show. They had some episodes with couples, perhaps that could hit home?0
-
My OH tried MFP, didn't like it, just stopped tracking. He had about 60lb to lose to be a 'normal' BMI. He wanted to lose just not to log. I was doing this for me, and it was up to him what he did so I didn’t try to make him do anything.
So basically he just ate what I made. Because he was on board in principle he tracked meals that he cooked so I could track but he didn't bother too much about the calories. Just by me tracking my calories and lightly influencing what we eat at home (he can eat what he wants at work though we both usually take dinner leftovers). Through trial and error he’s found what’s a satisfying WOE for him. He's lost 34 of those 60lb. I think he was scared that if he agreed to ‘diet’ with me, he’d never eat pizza again.
But to echo the others, you can't make him do anything.
Making better choices at home might passively influence him, measure your calorie dense items, use less when the recipe allows, skip a side, add more veg. He might realise benefits and keep going or resist. But most people respond poorly to being told what to do, even if it comes from a place of love and concern.
6 -
subcounter wrote: »I would encourage you guys to watch some weight-loss shows together, like Chris Powell's transformation show. They had some episodes with couples, perhaps that could hit home?
I think if I made my husband watch reality TV he would rebel in a way that was horrific.
Then again does depend on your relationship dynamic9 -
You could try making positive changes in meals. If he does the cooking at the moment perhaps you could ask to trade duties. You could also invite him to get more active with you. If he balks at walking, try just shopping or anything else that gets him out of his chair and moving around. Deleting MFP though sounds to me like pushing too hard will result in him pushing back.2
-
Unless he has vocalised a desire to lose weight, it isn't your place to do so. Each person's weight loss journey is their own decision, regardless of health or any other factors.5
-
Let me chime in as a guy. If this thread were a guy asking about approaching his wife about losing weight, I'd either stay out of it or my answers would be entirely different.
Anyway...you need to get after him about this. Don't be shy about it either. You need to sit him down, look him in the eye and give it to him straight. I mean STRAIGHT, no dragging your foot, suggesting he needs to do something, beating around the bush or what have you. Tell him exactly what's on your mind. Make sure he knows how serious this is. Guys downplay their health so bad that it usually kills them before they even ask for help. Most likely he already knows he has a problem and needs help but doesn't want to or know how to ask. Guys are also babies and like to be coddled and taken care of. Even though we think we're tough and macho, deep down inside we value our mothers and as a result we all hope our wives/loved ones can be a little more caring to us like our mothers were when we were all young. I'm sure it's frustrating for most women to have a MAN they need to take care of, so let's leave that conversation for another thread though.
He probably already wants you to make him lose weight. I know it sounds silly but that's how it is. It might hurt his feelings too but he'll get over it. Guys don't generally respond unless you're hard on them. That's just a broad generalization, your guy may be a little different. No one and I mean NO ONE is harder on a guy than other guys. So, get his friends involved too. They will ride him about his weight issues until the cows come home...it's what guys do. It sounds harsh but that is what works for most of us. I knew a guy in this very situation and we rode him about his health for years. He finally changed his life, lost weight and is now very healthy. He says he got sick of us and wanted us to leave him alone so he gave in and changed just to get us off his back. He admits he knew he had a problem but really was never going to do anything about it (typical guy). He thanks us all the time for not giving up on him and his stubborness. It was an ugly, kind of mean process but it had to be done. We love the guy and we stuck it out with him to the bitter end. Guys are also very loyal and they won't leave him behind. If you care about your spouse, you need to have the conversation.
Most of all, get him started on this app. We're all here to help him along and if he needs a different approach to getting healthy we can help you both with that as well. Hang in there and don't wait to talk to him, the time to do it is right now. Good luck!18 -
tell him this "want him to live a longer healthy life" but at same time try and steer both of you towards more healthy habits in terms of eating, so healthy meals, buy less unhealthy snacks as if they not in house you wont eat them, maybe go for some walks etc. Maybe he doesn't want to make a change himself but if one is made for him he might be happy to go with it3
-
I went for years knowing I was overweight and even knowing what I needed to do to lose weight, but I was kind of hoping that the weight would go away by itself. I didn't step on the scales because I didn't want to admit to how heavy I was.
The motivation to lose weight came from myself, but I think the realization that my parents were having an easier time climbing stairs than I was might have helped push me in that direction. Also, our church went on a mission trip and there were pictures. Nothing says, "you're fat" quite like having your fat pictures plastered up on a big screen for the whole church to see. That and there was a mobile home that I was afraid to stand on for fear of falling into the lady's living-room.
I don't think people can tell us we need to lose weight and motivate us by doing so. Men especially don't respond to that. But when people invite us to be involved in activities and we realize that we can't do it because we are too fat and out of shape, that makes a difference.6 -
subcounter wrote: »I would encourage you guys to watch some weight-loss shows together, like Chris Powell's transformation show. They had some episodes with couples, perhaps that could hit home?
I think if I made my husband watch reality TV he would rebel in a way that was horrific.
Then again does depend on your relationship dynamic
Ha - that's exactly what went through my head when I read that! He'd look at me like I had 3 heads!
I guess a lot of people watch that stuff - to each his own
0 -
Just one point of clarification, the getting after him part is just to get him to start making changes. Don't read too much into my comments, this isn't about emotional abuse here. Guys are great teammates. His life is the game, he's a player and you're his Captain. You need to get his head back in the game. As teammates, we also switch to love, encouragement and support after we get our buddies going in the right direction. I hope that analogy helps a little.4
-
Talk to him about your concern over his health. Ask him why he deleted MFP. Ask him what his goals are and how you can support his goals.1
-
I sympathize with you. I am having the exact same issues with my husband. However, I agree lead by example. I really am puzzled because I am dealing with a man who is the most diligent person I know but is terrible when it comes to his health. My husband drives an hour and a half every day and he just got another degree. He was a Senior Chief in the Navy and retired after 21 years. He has a trainer he works with but is not consistent at all. I don't get it. Last year he was diagnosed with being in a pre diabetic state. He was given medicine and he worked really hard to get off of it. He did so well. When he went back to the Dr. and he was taken off the medicine. Good for him. He is now in the same boat all over again. Now he has pain in his feet. He told me that his levels went back up and he may have to go on the medicine again. The foot pain is from diabetes. This man is making me nuts. The very same day he came home with a huge pack of M&M's after just getting bad news, he loves sweets. It is ridiculous how many cookies and candy he will eat instead of real food. He loves pies and cakes and always wants desserts. The thing that is so frustrating is that he is a person that is so on top of every thing else in his life. I really and truly sympathize with you. He needs to know the mental strain that this is putting on you. It is not fair for you to carry such a burden. I am honest with my husband and lead by example. Now I am not saying do what I do (because I am a little nuts LOL) but if he even brings any crap in the house I open it and throw it away. I don't let him have anything that is sugar. I can't control him when he is not around me but I don't aid him when he is. Every night we go for a walk and on the weekends I work out with him. Lead Lead Lead is all you can do as a wife. I am praying for you.3
-
Let me chime in as a guy. If this thread were a guy asking about approaching his wife about losing weight, I'd either stay out of it or my answers would be entirely different.
Anyway...you need to get after him about this. Don't be shy about it either. You need to sit him down, look him in the eye and give it to him straight. I mean STRAIGHT, no dragging your foot, suggesting he needs to do something, beating around the bush or what have you. Tell him exactly what's on your mind. Make sure he knows how serious this is. Guys downplay their health so bad that it usually kills them before they even ask for help. Most likely he already knows he has a problem and needs help but doesn't want to or know how to ask. Guys are also babies and like to be coddled and taken care of. Even though we think we're tough and macho, deep down inside we value our mothers and as a result we all hope our wives/loved ones can be a little more caring to us like our mothers were when we were all young. I'm sure it's frustrating for most women to have a MAN they need to take care of, so let's leave that conversation for another thread though.
He probably already wants you to make him lose weight. I know it sounds silly but that's how it is. It might hurt his feelings too but he'll get over it. Guys don't generally respond unless you're hard on them. That's just a broad generalization, your guy may be a little different. No one and I mean NO ONE is harder on a guy than other guys. So, get his friends involved too. They will ride him about his weight issues until the cows come home...it's what guys do. It sounds harsh but that is what works for most of us. I knew a guy in this very situation and we rode him about his health for years. He finally changed his life, lost weight and is now very healthy. He says he got sick of us and wanted us to leave him alone so he gave in and changed just to get us off his back. He admits he knew he had a problem but really was never going to do anything about it (typical guy). He thanks us all the time for not giving up on him and his stubborness. It was an ugly, kind of mean process but it had to be done. We love the guy and we stuck it out with him to the bitter end. Guys are also very loyal and they won't leave him behind. If you care about your spouse, you need to have the conversation.
Most of all, get him started on this app. We're all here to help him along and if he needs a different approach to getting healthy we can help you both with that as well. Hang in there and don't wait to talk to him, the time to do it is right now. Good luck!
Not all guys are "Momma's boys". If someone tried to force me do something, my natural reaction would be to refuse to do it. As for guys encouraging guys, it seems like I've done more to encourage guys to lose weight by just posting my bicycle rides on Facebook than I ever have by telling a guy he needs to lose weight. Guys tend to be competitive, so when they see another guy post a 50 mile bike ride, they are going to give serious thought to why they are unable to top it.10 -
kksmom1789 wrote: »Hello I want to encourage my spouse to lose weight not because I don't like the way he looks because he has high blood pressure and is pre diabetic and I think he would just be happier and I definitely want him to live a longer healthy life he's 32 and 6ft tall and weighs between 380-400 I don't know an exact because he hates weighing himself I want to encourage him and push him the right way without making him feel bad he did download MyFitnessPal a couple weeks ago but deleted it for reasons I'm not sure of anyone have any ideas???
I don't agree with the person who said that its "not your place" to suggest healthy changes. Your marriage makes you a partnership, and you have every right to express your concerns because you care about him and his future (with you).
I honestly think if you approached him saying the things you've said here, there's no reason for him to be upset.
Another possible idea is to use more of a "we" approach, as in "WE really should try to eat healthier and be more active (for OUR health)". Maybe suggest doing more active things as a couple, and maybe spend time together looking for new healthy recipes to try?6 -
I have lost 43lbs just from calorie counting he knows I don't exercise between working full time, him, & our 2 young children I'm busy busy lol honestly he's in recovery right now from a knee scope surgery and I just talked to the surgeon and he said if he would lose the extra weight he's knee will last 15-20 years or if he doesn't maybe another 5 years and he won't live past 55 years old his mom died in her early 50's with obesity being a main factor I saw his chart before he went in and it said 398lbs but he said he had his work boots on so that's why I said he's 380-400 yes I totally agree that he needs to be the one to do it in 2013 he lost almost 100lbs but has gained it all back so I know he can do it I'm going to tell him exactly what the surgeon said and tell him that I need him around for not my selfish needs but for our children first and foremost
Oh and I re downloaded MyFitnessPal on his phone and this time I will try to help him log more5 -
Nice job on your own loss!2
-
Let me chime in as a guy. If this thread were a guy asking about approaching his wife about losing weight, I'd either stay out of it or my answers would be entirely different.
Anyway...you need to get after him about this. Don't be shy about it either. You need to sit him down, look him in the eye and give it to him straight. I mean STRAIGHT, no dragging your foot, suggesting he needs to do something, beating around the bush or what have you. Tell him exactly what's on your mind. Make sure he knows how serious this is. Guys downplay their health so bad that it usually kills them before they even ask for help. Most likely he already knows he has a problem and needs help but doesn't want to or know how to ask. Guys are also babies and like to be coddled and taken care of. Even though we think we're tough and macho, deep down inside we value our mothers and as a result we all hope our wives/loved ones can be a little more caring to us like our mothers were when we were all young. I'm sure it's frustrating for most women to have a MAN they need to take care of, so let's leave that conversation for another thread though.
He probably already wants you to make him lose weight. I know it sounds silly but that's how it is. It might hurt his feelings too but he'll get over it. Guys don't generally respond unless you're hard on them. That's just a broad generalization, your guy may be a little different. No one and I mean NO ONE is harder on a guy than other guys. So, get his friends involved too. They will ride him about his weight issues until the cows come home...it's what guys do. It sounds harsh but that is what works for most of us. I knew a guy in this very situation and we rode him about his health for years. He finally changed his life, lost weight and is now very healthy. He says he got sick of us and wanted us to leave him alone so he gave in and changed just to get us off his back. He admits he knew he had a problem but really was never going to do anything about it (typical guy). He thanks us all the time for not giving up on him and his stubborness. It was an ugly, kind of mean process but it had to be done. We love the guy and we stuck it out with him to the bitter end. Guys are also very loyal and they won't leave him behind. If you care about your spouse, you need to have the conversation.
Most of all, get him started on this app. We're all here to help him along and if he needs a different approach to getting healthy we can help you both with that as well. Hang in there and don't wait to talk to him, the time to do it is right now. Good luck!
You might also be able to talk his doctor into explaining the end result of his continued weight gain and high blood pressure. Start pushing for life insurance and estate planning. Maybe he'll get the hint. But @ole496 is right, men are stupid and stubborn. Mix those two things together and you get trouble. Let him know the good news though, because of his height it won't be as hard as he thinks. With a little exercise he could still eat a 2000 calorie a day diet and lose weight. Prepared correctly and with the right ingredients he would not have to be hungry at all and still could lose weight. Maybe you should prepare all of his meals and snacks for a while, show him it can be done and doesn't have to taste like crap. The hardest part for me was thinking about eating salads every day and not eating the things I like. It wasn't like that at all for me, I just thought it was going to be. I'm 6'2" tall and lost weight very fast on an 1800 calorie a day diet. With exercise I ate up to 2200 calories a day and still lost weight fast (I walked a LOT). The second hardest part was giving up snacks like chips and dip. I swear we always had a different flavor of chips and dip each night in front of the TV. But if you keep bringing crap food in the house, it's going to be 10x harder for him. I never gave up BBQ, beer, tacos, hamburgers, etc. and I rarely eat salads. I simply chose leaner cuts of meat, eat much more chicken (yup, I BBQ it), and learned to fix vegetables for added fiber and bulk to my diet in ways that made them taste good to me. That's all it took.2 -
Also he plays golf every weekend and has an active physical job he stopped going to the gym and then he gained all his weight back I personally think his portion sizes are too much and partly my fault I make a healthy meal but fill up a whole dinner plate piled high filled he's in the mind set of I can't lose weight if I'm not working out and that's why I want him to just count calories for a month to see that you don't always have to work out to lose1
-
sounds like he is active...so just try reducing portion sizes and logging those
2 -
Hi, I can appreciate your frustration, if he downloaded the app and then deleted it shortly after I wonder if he went a little high with his target, putting him off even trying?
When he lost the weight previously was he too restrictive? If he has memories of weight loss being a hard slog maybe the thought of doing it again is not appealing.
It might be worth starting him with a half pound a week target, the smaller deficit might help him see how easy it is, and then he might even be inclined to try a lb a week or more.
Suggesting half a lb a week might seem like more of a compromise, a sort of meeting you in the middle approach.
I hope you can get him on board, good luck!
2 -
You can't encourage him to lose weight. His doctor perhaps can, but not you. From you it will be nagging and seem condescending even though that is not your intent.kksmom1789 wrote: »Hello I want to encourage my spouse to lose weight not because I don't like the way he looks because he has high blood pressure and is pre diabetic and I think he would just be happier and I definitely want him to live a longer healthy life he's 32 and 6ft tall and weighs between 380-400 I don't know an exact because he hates weighing himself I want to encourage him and push him the right way without making him feel bad he did download MyFitnessPal a couple weeks ago but deleted it for reasons I'm not sure of anyone have any ideas???
0 -
StaciMarie1974 wrote: »You can't encourage him to lose weight. His doctor perhaps can, but not you. From you it will be nagging and seem condescending even though that is not your intent.kksmom1789 wrote: »Hello I want to encourage my spouse to lose weight not because I don't like the way he looks because he has high blood pressure and is pre diabetic and I think he would just be happier and I definitely want him to live a longer healthy life he's 32 and 6ft tall and weighs between 380-400 I don't know an exact because he hates weighing himself I want to encourage him and push him the right way without making him feel bad he did download MyFitnessPal a couple weeks ago but deleted it for reasons I'm not sure of anyone have any ideas???
This isn't true in every relationship.4 -
I think all the advice is good. However, you know your man. Take what applies and use it. I'm sure it will work out.1
-
Take his hands in yours, look deeply into his eyes, and say "I love you, you mean the world to me. I want to grow old with you and I'm so scared that your health problems are going to take you from me too soon. It would mean a lot to me if you'd prioritize your health a bit more because I want to keep you around for a long time."
Follow that with a huge hug and a kiss and then shut the hell up about it. He's received the message, what he does from there is up to him.
Also, he might not be ready to go all out with logging and weighing and everything and that's ok. If he says he's going to cut down to two sodas a day, or eat a salad with every meal, or walk the dog a few times a week, that's a step in the right direction and should be celebrated.
Don't nag, just tell him how much you care about him and then give him the space to make changes on his own.4 -
kksmom1789 wrote: »Also he plays golf every weekend and has an active physical job he stopped going to the gym and then he gained all his weight back I personally think his portion sizes are too much and partly my fault I make a healthy meal but fill up a whole dinner plate piled high filled he's in the mind set of I can't lose weight if I'm not working out and that's why I want him to just count calories for a month to see that you don't always have to work out to lose
You might consider using using 9" plates. 9" plates used to be typical for dinner plates. Now we're up to 12". A 9" plate holds about 800 calories while a 12" plate will hold 1900 calories. I bought 9" plates because I had heard that you eat less if you use them. I had might doubts because it seemed like a trick. Even though I know what the trick is I find that I eat less with smaller plates. The neat thing is that you don't even have to convince him not to got for seconds or not to pile his plate high. A small plate piled high twice is still fewer calories than one larger dinner plate piled high.6 -
It has to be something he wants--if it's something that you do to him there's bound to be some resentment. Has he seen a physician lately? The potential for health issues alone should give him initiative. Then you can help him... I'm not sure what your roles are in your household, but if you do the shopping and meal prep you can plan healthier meals, buy healthier snacks, buy less soda, etc. Help him understand portion sizes. Join a gym and go together, or even just go for walks together. Listen and support him.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.1K Introduce Yourself
- 43.7K Getting Started
- 260.1K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 419 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.9K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.5K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions