Partner wants you to lose weight.
squatsanddeadlift
Posts: 117 Member
So I am lucky enough to be dating a wonderful person. She loves me and I love her and we are on the whole, happy.
We have been together for almost 2 years and within the first few months of us getting together (we were friends for 3 years beforehand) I lost my father to a stroke, a month later I almost lost my mum to a heart attack.
I am slightly overweight and could do with losing some pounds. My eating habits are generally poor and I do desperately want to make changes. My dad was a smoker and overweight/drinker. My mum was (gave up after the heart attack) a smoker. Since this has happened my partner was concerned for my health and has stated that she wants me to lose weight and generally be more healthy and take care of myself.
I am not upset that she has said it. It is fair. I want to be healthy for her and my future family but I just struggle with it and I am upset that my lifestyle has resulted in my partner having to say anything at all.
She herself is a good weight and generally keeps active although her diet can poor at times. It is something we both acknowledge that we need to work on.
I love her so much and losing her is not what I want (she has not stated she will leave by the way) but I just can't motivate myself to make changes. I am more than welcoming of any comments and suggestions as I know how pathetic this sounds.
Thanks!
We have been together for almost 2 years and within the first few months of us getting together (we were friends for 3 years beforehand) I lost my father to a stroke, a month later I almost lost my mum to a heart attack.
I am slightly overweight and could do with losing some pounds. My eating habits are generally poor and I do desperately want to make changes. My dad was a smoker and overweight/drinker. My mum was (gave up after the heart attack) a smoker. Since this has happened my partner was concerned for my health and has stated that she wants me to lose weight and generally be more healthy and take care of myself.
I am not upset that she has said it. It is fair. I want to be healthy for her and my future family but I just struggle with it and I am upset that my lifestyle has resulted in my partner having to say anything at all.
She herself is a good weight and generally keeps active although her diet can poor at times. It is something we both acknowledge that we need to work on.
I love her so much and losing her is not what I want (she has not stated she will leave by the way) but I just can't motivate myself to make changes. I am more than welcoming of any comments and suggestions as I know how pathetic this sounds.
Thanks!
1
Replies
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Life is full of choices. You have to choose whether you care enough about yourself and her to make this change. If you choose not to take care of yourself, she will have to choose whether to stay and worry about your health declining. It is very hard to watch someone you love destroy their health through unhealthy habits.
Hopefully you love yourself enough to make at least small changes. Small changes in diet and activity can have a big impact. But if not, then your choice has been made and the choice becomes hers.24 -
Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your parents. It must have been a difficult time for you.
Secondly, just do something right now that you know you can. Literally any positive step no matter how small. Action begets action and you can work the details out as you go.21 -
Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your parents. It must have been a difficult time for you.
Secondly, just do something right now that you know you can. Literally any positive step no matter how small. Action begets action and you can work the details out as you go.
Thank you. I was with Slimming World but I just couldn't sustain it so I am looking at calorie counting.1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Life is full of choices. You have to choose whether you care enough about yourself and her to make this change. If you choose not to take care of yourself, she will have to choose whether to stay and worry about your health declining. It is very hard to watch someone you love destroy their health through unhealthy habits.
Hopefully you love yourself enough to make at least small changes. Small changes in diet and activity can have a big impact. But if not, then your choice has been made and the choice becomes hers.
Thanks for your reply. You are so right. I just need to get on and do it.2 -
have you thought about why you cant make the changes to be healthy...? whats stopping you from making the necessary changes? fear of failure is very common, as is feeling like you don't deserve to be healthier and happier.
considering some of this might help make it all stick.4 -
squatsanddeadlift wrote: »Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your parents. It must have been a difficult time for you.
Secondly, just do something right now that you know you can. Literally any positive step no matter how small. Action begets action and you can work the details out as you go.
Thank you. I was with Slimming World but I just couldn't sustain it so I am looking at calorie counting.
Fair enough.
I would try a few things and take what works and throw out what doesn't. There is a sweet spot where you can lose weight without it driving yourself barmy but it can be a personal thing incorporating different strategies from different methods.
Calorie counting is cool as it allows for a lot of flexibility which suits certain personality types (like me for instance.) It's not the only way of course.6 -
TavistockToad wrote: »have you thought about why you cant make the changes to be healthy...? whats stopping you from making the necessary changes? fear of failure is very common, as is feeling like you don't deserve to be healthier and happier.
considering some of this might help make it all stick.
I wonder if it is the do not deserve thing. I have organised seeing a therapist through the doctor as I am coming to realise I did not handle the last year as I should have done.
10 -
squatsanddeadlift wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Life is full of choices. You have to choose whether you care enough about yourself and her to make this change. If you choose not to take care of yourself, she will have to choose whether to stay and worry about your health declining. It is very hard to watch someone you love destroy their health through unhealthy habits.
Hopefully you love yourself enough to make at least small changes. Small changes in diet and activity can have a big impact. But if not, then your choice has been made and the choice becomes hers.
Thanks for your reply. You are so right. I just need to get on and do it.
Baby steps. You don't have change your entire life. Just make one positive change. Later, maybe you'll want to make another.8 -
squatsanddeadlift wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »have you thought about why you cant make the changes to be healthy...? whats stopping you from making the necessary changes? fear of failure is very common, as is feeling like you don't deserve to be healthier and happier.
considering some of this might help make it all stick.
I wonder if it is the do not deserve thing. I have organised seeing a therapist through the doctor as I am coming to realise I did not handle the last year as I should have done.
Well now see, that is a positive change.
7 -
squatsanddeadlift wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »have you thought about why you cant make the changes to be healthy...? whats stopping you from making the necessary changes? fear of failure is very common, as is feeling like you don't deserve to be healthier and happier.
considering some of this might help make it all stick.
I wonder if it is the do not deserve thing. I have organised seeing a therapist through the doctor as I am coming to realise I did not handle the last year as I should have done.squatsanddeadlift wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »have you thought about why you cant make the changes to be healthy...? whats stopping you from making the necessary changes? fear of failure is very common, as is feeling like you don't deserve to be healthier and happier.
considering some of this might help make it all stick.
I wonder if it is the do not deserve thing. I have organised seeing a therapist through the doctor as I am coming to realise I did not handle the last year as I should have done.
I have two suggestions for you
- track and log (in MFP?) what you eat for a week. Don't worry about making any changes, just log and become aware of what you are eating.
- Start reading up on stuff related to healthy diet and being at healthy weight. Figure out your BMI and what is your TDEE (total daily energy expenditure)
Increasing your awareness of where you are, and some benefits that might come with change will help you with your decision and ability to make constructive changes. You don't have to become an ultra marathoner, small changes can have a huge impact.13 -
OP, your story sounds familiar to mine. I met my wife when I was close to my heaviest. (She had lost ~50 pounds before I met her, and has maintained her weight through 4 children and 20+ years of putting up with me.)
I also have bad family history: diabetes on one side and heart disease on the other. For obvious reasons, my wife also encouraged me to lose weight, but made it clear that it was for my own sake and the sake of the children. She met me, fell in love with me, and married me when I was fat, so it wasn't like my weight was a personal issue for her.
And she was right: I was miserable being fat. But I had a hard time starting. I'd go for a while on one ill-conceived plan or other, but I couldn't stick to it. It wasn't until a year after I had emergency gall bladder surgery that I discovered and understood calorie counting, and made up my mind to do it right this time.
To my mind, what "clicked" this time was that tracking calories fit well into my brain. It made sense and provided a framework of maximum freedom that I could work in, and that I knew I could continue to do in the future. Whereas before, I didn't really understand how to do it without wholesale cutting out foods that I loved.
Good luck!11 -
I am sorry for your loss.
You are truly blessed for having someone in your life that cares about you - realize this first and foremost.
Do something NOW! Make a list of 10 behaviors that you believe you need to change. Scratch off 9 of those and work on the one today. Replace this bad behavior with a good behavior. Once you hit this do the same exercise over again.
The behaviors that last longest are those that are the most intimate and meaningful. Find something the two of you can set as a goal together and set this up as your long term goal.6 -
squatsanddeadlift wrote: »So I am lucky enough to be dating a wonderful person. She loves me and I love her and we are on the whole, happy.
We have been together for almost 2 years and within the first few months of us getting together (we were friends for 3 years beforehand) I lost my father to a stroke, a month later I almost lost my mum to a heart attack.
I am slightly overweight and could do with losing some pounds. My eating habits are generally poor and I do desperately want to make changes. My dad was a smoker and overweight/drinker. My mum was (gave up after the heart attack) a smoker. Since this has happened my partner was concerned for my health and has stated that she wants me to lose weight and generally be more healthy and take care of myself.
I am not upset that she has said it. It is fair. I want to be healthy for her and my future family but I just struggle with it and I am upset that my lifestyle has resulted in my partner having to say anything at all.
She herself is a good weight and generally keeps active although her diet can poor at times. It is something we both acknowledge that we need to work on.
I love her so much and losing her is not what I want (she has not stated she will leave by the way) but I just can't motivate myself to make changes. I am more than welcoming of any comments and suggestions as I know how pathetic this sounds.
Thanks!
Check this video out . He's really inspiring and honest about weight loss. I believe he's lost 180 pounds
https://youtu.be/vNNBkWgMggs
You can do this!4 -
I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. Losing a parent can be devastating, and talking through your feelings may help unblock some of the mental barriers you are putting up. And as everyone said, take baby steps. Make one positive change, stick with it, add another once the first becomes easier. You can do this! Best of luck with everything!3
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I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. Losing a parent can be devastating, and talking through your feelings may help unblock some of the mental barriers you are putting up. !
This! When my health nut Mom got cancer at age 54 and died at 56. I straight gave up, if all her nutritious eating and regular fitness got her nothing then I might as well smoke, eat, and do other unhealthy things I won't mention here as I wish.
But I eventually realized that none of us live forever the health and fitness thing is more about making sure your are driving around the nicest looking, pain free body available to you while you are alive. I see you are younger but take it from me past 30: knees, back, everything starts to hurt... diet and exercise can make all that go away.
Wellbutrin helped me a lot as well.1 -
mayafit405 wrote: »squatsanddeadlift wrote: »So I am lucky enough to be dating a wonderful person. She loves me and I love her and we are on the whole, happy.
We have been together for almost 2 years and within the first few months of us getting together (we were friends for 3 years beforehand) I lost my father to a stroke, a month later I almost lost my mum to a heart attack.
I am slightly overweight and could do with losing some pounds. My eating habits are generally poor and I do desperately want to make changes. My dad was a smoker and overweight/drinker. My mum was (gave up after the heart attack) a smoker. Since this has happened my partner was concerned for my health and has stated that she wants me to lose weight and generally be more healthy and take care of myself.
I am not upset that she has said it. It is fair. I want to be healthy for her and my future family but I just struggle with it and I am upset that my lifestyle has resulted in my partner having to say anything at all.
She herself is a good weight and generally keeps active although her diet can poor at times. It is something we both acknowledge that we need to work on.
I love her so much and losing her is not what I want (she has not stated she will leave by the way) but I just can't motivate myself to make changes. I am more than welcoming of any comments and suggestions as I know how pathetic this sounds.
Thanks!
Check this video out . He's really inspiring and honest about weight loss. I believe he's lost 180 poundshttps://youtu.be/vNNBkWgMggs
You can do this!
I love this lad, he is a little gem. A great inspiration to so many
OP, one step at a time, you can do this. You're not alone here, the majority of us were overwhelmed in the beginning. Don't be afraid to ask any and all questions you have here on the boards, no matter how trivial you may think they are. Once you find your groove, this whole weight loss thing will become like second nature.4 -
There is a psychological condition known as Readiness for Change. There are different levels that indicate a person's readiness to make meaningful changes in their lives.
The fact is that, if you are not there emotionally and psychologically, all the prodding, nagging, helpful suggestions, ultimatums, etc, are likely going to be useless. I worked for 8 years in cardiac rehabilitation when I first started my professional career. Even a heart attack or bypass surgery wasn't enough to motivate people to mkae long-term changes if they weren't ready for it.
I agree with your decision to look into counseling. It's important to find that "switch" inside you that prevents you from moving forward to healthier changes.
I also recommend trying to start an exercise program. Doesn't have to be complicated or even particularly strenuous--just some structured activity that's just hard enough to effect some small fitness improvements. I usually make this suggestion first rather than focusing solely on calorie restriction or losing weight. Why? Because changing eating habits is a lot harder and often takes a lot longer to see meaningful results. It's usually easier to "force" yourself to do a little activity each day. It's a public demonstration to your SO that you are making an effort. And, IMO, small improvements in fitness can be a good motivation and "base" to make further positive lifestyle changes. When you feel more fit, you feel better about yourself, and when you feel better about yourself, you can become more motivated, inspired, etc, to make even more lifestyle changes -- ie. diet.
It's still an external motivator, but I have found that it can also be a pathway to internal motivation, which is the key to making permanent changes.
In the meantime, don't beat yourself up if you are finding it hard to start the process. Don't get caught up in the "I just have to be strong and do it" self-criticizing trap. The emotional forces involved can be strong. Set yourself up for success by taking small, achievable steps. Good luck.8 -
Love yourself more than the food1
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If you don't respect yourself enough to want to be healthy, I don't see how you can expect your partner to respect you.
Replace "food/lifestyle" with "drugs" or "alcohol" and consider how it would sound. Just because food is considered a societally acceptable addiction doesn't make it any better. "I really want to quit drinking and smoking weed, but I just can't find the motivation. My partner is worried about my health but I just can't stop drinking and smoking, no matter what she says. "
Sounds pretty pathetic. You need to start taking a moment before you put something in your mouth and asking "is this more important than my health, my self-respect, and my partner?"
Stop giving yourself permission to make excuses and fix your life.3 -
I am sorry for your loss, and I am glad you are making plans to see a therapist. That's definitely a positive step since your mental health is equally important.
I can empathise with you. My health is poor, and my partner wants me to be healthier so that we can have a good, long life together. I've known this for at least five years but it was only this year that something in me was ready to make that change. And so I have. As stated above, you need to find a way to make yourself ready.
Something to keep in mind is that your current behaviours have been around for years. They're well set, and familiar. They're not going to change overnight. It's going to take time to change, and make new, healthier habits. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't do it. Every day is a new day, and a new chance. So forget missing tomorrow, or missing the past week, or whatever, and start again.
I started with exercise. How about taking short walks with your partner? It doesn't have to be every day. It doesn't have to be long. Just start somewhere. Once you make that a habit, increase the frequency or the length (I'd go for frequency first). Go slowly because change is difficult, and changing too much at once tends to be a recipe for failure. Even if you feel you can do more at once, don't. You want to keep things consistent, and not overdo it one day, and be unable to the next. Set a realistic goal, stick to that, and increase it once a week, once every two weeks, once a month, etc. Whatever works for you but I'd give each goal at least a week.
For food, maybe start with smaller portions or cooking together. Identify your problem areas, and work on that. Mine were mindless snacking, and large portions. Just cutting out mindless snacking - I still snack but I am mindful of it - made a difference.
You're both in this. You want to change, and she wants you to change, so do it together.3 -
We can't motivate others unfortunately. You have to want it yourself. Is there nothing that makes you feel like making a change? The prospect of things like diabetes, heart disease and the like are enough for me. I know a lot of people say, "We all have to die sometime, may as well die happy!" For me things like the diseases I just mentioned are not going to contribute in any way to my happiness but rather subtract from it. I will not be happy with a disease that would require me to keep a check on my blood sugar or require me to use daily medications, plus extra doctors visits and even complications from these illnesses. I hate going to doctor and I hate being sick with even just a cold, let alone any disease that would be a life long disease. You have to find this motivation on your own.
Exercise does not have to mean busting your rump in the gym. It could mean taking a walk daily. There is something you two could do together. A better diet does not mean abandoning all that is delicious. It means having smaller portions and not allowing your self to gorge. Sometimes people don't like the idea of changing because it feels daunting or they are worried they will miss out on things they really like. It doesn't have to be that way. Just take the first step. Out the door. And walk around the block together, then talk about changes you can make in meals together.0 -
It's not fair. She met you when you were overweight with poor eating habits, she befriended you as an overweight person with poor eating habits and she became romantically and physically bonded with you as an overweight person with poor eating habits.
Then your parents died, it was scary and she said get healthy or I'm leaving you. No it is not fair.
If you were healthy and fit to begin with and then you let yourself go after becoming romantically involved with her, I would say her ultimatum was fair. But this is not the case.
The last boyfriend I ever had was older than me, a smoker, slightly overweight and had poor eating habits. Despite this, I was attracted to him, we consummated our relationship and moved in together. And then I commenced to nagging him almost constantly to lose weight, stop smoking, and eat fresh fruits and vegetables and lose the Burger King habit. He always said he would and 7 years later, of course he still hadn't and we went our separate ways.
But I knew damn well what I was getting involved in. He loved his cigarettes and his Whoppers and his Pepsi and the TV and the couch and that was that. I was being a brat about it and my methods and ultimatums were useless anyway. I will not make that mistake again.
If people are afraid of disease and death and very personally committed to health and whatever it represents to them, they should find someone like minded from the get go. They should leave the more relaxed, hedonistic people alone. No moral judgment here, but, in my opinion, things just work out better that way.
Op specifically said that her partner did NOT say this.9 -
I'm sorry for your loss!
I'm of mixed emotion about your partners request. I love that my husband is honest when I ask him "does my butt look big" in such and such outfit. Sometimes I take it off and sometimes I still wear butt big outfit. Honesty is important I think in a relationship.
I'm mixed because we all want to be loved and excepted especially by our partners. You've had some trauma and it sometimes can be used as motivation and sometimes it's just too soon.
Can you have an honest conversation and say it's just too soon? Like - I'm aware of your feelings partner and I need you to know I can't do it right now? I need to work through some stuff.
From my experience only losing weight for someone else rarely "sticks".1 -
Getting serious about dropping unhealthy weight is similar to getting serious about getting out of debt: some people respond to logic (debt costs money), some people respond to emotion (just can't take it anymore).
Whichever it is, it comes down to choice. You're ultimately responsible for your own actions. No one can "make" you anything your'e not otherwise inclined to do.2 -
mayafit405 wrote: »squatsanddeadlift wrote: »So I am lucky enough to be dating a wonderful person. She loves me and I love her and we are on the whole, happy.
We have been together for almost 2 years and within the first few months of us getting together (we were friends for 3 years beforehand) I lost my father to a stroke, a month later I almost lost my mum to a heart attack.
I am slightly overweight and could do with losing some pounds. My eating habits are generally poor and I do desperately want to make changes. My dad was a smoker and overweight/drinker. My mum was (gave up after the heart attack) a smoker. Since this has happened my partner was concerned for my health and has stated that she wants me to lose weight and generally be more healthy and take care of myself.
I am not upset that she has said it. It is fair. I want to be healthy for her and my future family but I just struggle with it and I am upset that my lifestyle has resulted in my partner having to say anything at all.
She herself is a good weight and generally keeps active although her diet can poor at times. It is something we both acknowledge that we need to work on.
I love her so much and losing her is not what I want (she has not stated she will leave by the way) but I just can't motivate myself to make changes. I am more than welcoming of any comments and suggestions as I know how pathetic this sounds.
Thanks!
Check this video out . He's really inspiring and honest about weight loss. I believe he's lost 180 poundshttps://youtu.be/vNNBkWgMggs
You can do this!
i love him. . i follow his youtube channel he has alot of very useful videos everything from this one to ones on how to use a food scale and how he copes with his loose skin. he is awesome!
eta. . he is currently doing crossfit and kicking its *kitten*!!1 -
If you are only slightly overweight set your goal to lose .5 lb per week. You will have a 250 calorie deficit. That does not equal dramatically changing your diet or spending hours daily at the gym. Don't feel too overwhelmed.
Make small changes over time. It takes time to change habits.
Get a health check up.
Eat food you like. Make sure you get enough protein. Add more vegetables and fruits to your day. Try more whole grains.
Look at calories you are drinking. Maybe switching to diet pop, water, unsweetened teas could be a big enough change.
Use less condiments or dressings.
Eat less fried or breaded foods. Try different preparation methods.
Watch portion sizes of calorie dense items like nuts, seeds, bread, pasta, chips, desserts, rice, bananas, avocado, cheese, etc. This does not mean you should not eat them but it is easy to add a lot of calories fast with calorie dense foods. Be aware.
If you and your partner dine out often maybe try cooking more.
Try to increase your activity. Set a step goal of 2,000 more steps than you currently get. Take the stairs. Park farther away.
Walk. Dance. Swim. Hike. Bike. Run. Do active things with your partner. There are lots of free workouts on you tube you can try.5 -
ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken wrote: »It's not fair. She met you when you were overweight with poor eating habits, she befriended you as an overweight person with poor eating habits and she became romantically and physically bonded with you as an overweight person with poor eating habits.
Then your parents died, it was scary and she said get healthy or I'm leaving you. No it is not fair.
If you were healthy and fit to begin with and then you let yourself go after becoming romantically involved with her, I would say her ultimatum was fair. But this is not the case.
The last boyfriend I ever had was older than me, a smoker, slightly overweight and had poor eating habits. Despite this, I was attracted to him, we consummated our relationship and moved in together. And then I commenced to nagging him almost constantly to lose weight, stop smoking, and eat fresh fruits and vegetables and lose the Burger King habit. He always said he would and 7 years later, of course he still hadn't and we went our separate ways.
But I knew damn well what I was getting involved in. He loved his cigarettes and his Whoppers and his Pepsi and the TV and the couch and that was that. I was being a brat about it and my methods and ultimatums were useless anyway. I will not make that mistake again.
If people are afraid of disease and death and very personally committed to health and whatever it represents to them, they should find someone like minded from the get go. They should leave the more relaxed, hedonistic people alone. No moral judgment here, but, in my opinion, things just work out better that way.
Op specifically said that her partner did NOT say this.
No she didn't say this.0 -
edit to delete my comment
1 -
OP is the post right above you.1
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mayafit405 wrote: »squatsanddeadlift wrote: »So I am lucky enough to be dating a wonderful person. She loves me and I love her and we are on the whole, happy.
We have been together for almost 2 years and within the first few months of us getting together (we were friends for 3 years beforehand) I lost my father to a stroke, a month later I almost lost my mum to a heart attack.
I am slightly overweight and could do with losing some pounds. My eating habits are generally poor and I do desperately want to make changes. My dad was a smoker and overweight/drinker. My mum was (gave up after the heart attack) a smoker. Since this has happened my partner was concerned for my health and has stated that she wants me to lose weight and generally be more healthy and take care of myself.
I am not upset that she has said it. It is fair. I want to be healthy for her and my future family but I just struggle with it and I am upset that my lifestyle has resulted in my partner having to say anything at all.
She herself is a good weight and generally keeps active although her diet can poor at times. It is something we both acknowledge that we need to work on.
I love her so much and losing her is not what I want (she has not stated she will leave by the way) but I just can't motivate myself to make changes. I am more than welcoming of any comments and suggestions as I know how pathetic this sounds.
Thanks!
Check this video out . He's really inspiring and honest about weight loss. I believe he's lost 180 poundshttps://youtu.be/vNNBkWgMggs
You can do this!
i love him. . i follow his youtube channel he has alot of very useful videos everything from this one to ones on how to use a food scale and how he copes with his loose skin. he is awesome!
eta. . he is currently doing crossfit and kicking its *kitten*!!
This was interesting. Question: Analysis by paralysis...
I know what I need to eat but getting myself to do it is just a pain... to many changes... freak out... fall of band wagon. Do you think a good place to start is just to do better than I did yesterday
I know what is a healthy breakfast so start with that... maintain for two weeks then work on healthy lunch... maintain for 2 weeks then work on healthy dinner
Likewise the gym... just go... do something... to build a habit?3
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