Weight loss destroys relationships?

amandamc119
amandamc119 Posts: 11 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So I have embarked on a major journey. I wanted to loose weight before and make some changes to my eating, it worked actually without me realising.
Now it's different, I was really serious about doing it but knew NOTHING about exercise. I decided to enlist the help of a trainer. I was scared, very scared! But I soon felt at ease and very quickly felt and saw results by sticking 100% to what he told me to do. I'm compleatly committed and but all my faith and trust in him to help loose weight keep me motivated and educate me about exercise.

We are 3 months down the line... I have lost over 2 stone and feel so much better about myself. I still have a long way to go though.

My husband... I love him to pieces, but right now I really don't like him! I talk to him about everything! And when I've been in yhe gym and had measurements taken I tell him about it, obviously...who wouldn't?!? But now it's gone sour. He is always snapping at me and accusing me of all sorts with my trainer. I get the impression that he is worried with me feeling better about myself always nd looking batter that someone may start paying me attention or vise versa. When I asked him if it worried him the response was 'if you want to be with someone else away you go!'

It's like he tries to make me feel guilty about spending my money on the gym and not spending as much time with him. I refuse to allow him to make me feel like that... if am doing this to extend my already shortened life span with having secondary breast cancer. All he wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV.. I'm so not interested in that anymore I want to go out on a 10 mile walk but trying to get him to come with me is actually grating.

Has anyone else experienced a down fall in their relationship because of trying to adapt healthier lifestyle? And how did you overcome this... if you did. Or did it just end?
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Replies

  • HG210
    HG210 Posts: 103 Member
    The first time I heard a scenario like this it was the other way around. The woman started telling her husband he could not go to the gym. I mean really, sometimes you don't realize what kind of insecure person you are dealing with until these times in your life. Love will love you through anything and he should want the best for you but you just never know sometimes who you are really dealing with. Please ....just keep going and as for your husband, what you just described is his problem not yours. If he feels like that then he should join you. He should want you to be happy and this lifestyle is making you happy. I agree with counseling but I think he needs to start with himself. Your are not doing anything to warrant that behavior. My husband has been working out hard at the gym and at home a lot lately and I could not be happier when he is at the gym.
  • alondrakayy
    alondrakayy Posts: 304 Member
    Definitely not. My husband supports me 100% when it comes to my healthy lifestyle. I've had two male trainers so far and he's not said one word about me spending my time with them at the gym. Mainly cause he's super confident in himself and in our marriage. I love him and he knows that. I agree with the second comment, you guys should seek some help if you can't seem to go through this one on your own.
  • kimkimcoleman
    kimkimcoleman Posts: 105 Member
    I don't know how serious this is affecting your marriage. But your husband just sounds insecure and maybe jealous of all the time you are focusing on your new healthy lifestyle and maybe your trainer too. I would just try to put yourself in his shoes and give him some reassurance and treat him how you would want to be treated if you were feeling jealous. Hopefully it's not too serious and he can get past his insecurities.
  • fitdaisygrrl
    fitdaisygrrl Posts: 139 Member
    Ditto to the others- I've heard of this before and it's common. I've seen some marriages fall apart when one person loses weight, and other marriage blossom. I think it's all about communication and trust, but also about the root of the relationship. If he doesn't trust you or is jealous of your success, he's got some issues to work through (and a lot of growing up to do!).

    I agree that marriage counselling might be what you guys need, but at the same time it could be some talks of "look, I want to look and feel my best and I hope that you love me enough to want the same for me. I don't want to live my life with regrets or feeling sluggish, life is too short. I don't want to leave you, and I have no other motivation for this journey other than to take care of myself. Can you support me? Is there anything you need from me for support?"

    I've seen before too that when someone starts losing weight and changing their hobbies (ie: getting off their butt and going for walks at night or spending a few hours at the gym every week, or trying new recipes, etc) that their partner suddenly doesn't have anything in common with them. It's a shame because it's an awesome opportunity to grow together, but if he has no interest then you obviously can't force him.

    It's important to keep talking with him and keeping communication open. Maybe you'll be a good influence on him and he'll start joining you for walks or try a personal trainer too. Again, you can't force him but I would just suggest to keep taking care of yourself and not let his negative attitude stop you from reaching your goals.

    I really hope your husband wakes up and realizes he could be self-fulfilling his prophecy of divorce- if he's a jerk to you while you're trying to improve yourself then he's just driving you further away.
  • 1ocean1girl
    1ocean1girl Posts: 197 Member
    I agree with the others to continue working out and staying healthy. I am so sorry about the cancer... I also think your husband is scared and angry (with the cancer NOT you). Having seen someone you love battle for their life; I understand how he can act irrational. I am in no way condoning his actions but he does need to talk to someone to help him cope with the situation. He probably just doesn't know how to deal with it.... and focusing on your weight loss and workouts are just a cover up. Stay strong, continue to focus on your health... and maybe sit down with your husband and tell him how you are feeling about everything (in a non confrontational way.) There are tons of groups out there (for cancer patients and family members) for support. My prayers are with you <3
  • size102b
    size102b Posts: 1,370 Member
    edited March 2017
    To H the problems were already there you've just become more confident and happier he can see this and you now feel like you won't be alone if you split as you look better

    Tbh you can't expect your husband to do what you are just because you are that's unfair it's healthy to have separate interests and maybe without you realising it your probably talking lots about the gym your trainer and weight inch loss which is normal but a threat to your husband

    Instead of feeling angry toward him make him feel secure you are the one who's changed not him and good on you he's already probably been in his own hell with your breast cancer now he's got to deal with another one that you'll leave him

    I was with my ex 9 years I lost 71lbs and 6 dress sizes and I ended our relationship as it was never great I became the person I was when I meet him I got lost in his control and I simply got confident to leave giving up my home and business and becoming a single mum of 3

    If you love him try empathising with him he's scared it's obvious if you want it to work keep your progress to yourself tbh you don't need to point it out as it'll be obvious

    He also need you to gently explain to him I'm proud of myself are you proud of me ?

    I think you both need to communicate men and women do that differently keep it to the point and let him express how he feels too
  • jennybearlv
    jennybearlv Posts: 1,519 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Yeah, he thinks you'll get thin and hot and leave him for someone from the gym with a 6 pack and shoulders to die for...

    Basically, this.

    It's jealousy. I went through something similar with my husband the first time I got serious about losing weight. He did something very stupid and when we sat down to talk he told me I was going to leave him anyways, that's why I was losing weight. This was news to me, but I did realize I had not been giving him as much attention since I began focusing on myself.

    The focus should be on yourself. You can't be there for your husband and family in old age if you are always putting them first, but making sure you do have some time set aside for each other is important. Tell your husband you love him everyday and tell him he's handsome, smart, a good provider, whatever you like about him. Talk about your future together and let him know you are with him to the end. Sometimes the people in our lives just need reassurance. Change is always scary.

    Even if you have different hobbies you can still spend time together. Schedule out some time for a date night and time to be intimate. Watch TV together if that is all he wants to do with you. It's healthy to have your own hobbies and friends. Not everything needs to involve your husband.

    I do think marriage counseling can help. I've been and it's a great tool. Maybe getting a female trainer could help, but if you really like your trainer you shouldn't have to find a new one just to appease your husband.
  • inertiastrength
    inertiastrength Posts: 2,343 Member
    Even the sexiest, fit, most beautiful people can be jealous or insecure. Perhaps it's time to look at why he feels insecure and could need some reassurance. People aren't perfect and heads are animals sometimes. Try not to be frustrated with it and try and get to the bottom of why he feels insecure. A little understanding can go a long way.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    jennybearlv wrote: »
    tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »
    Perhaps it's time to stop talking to him about the gym and weight loss all the time. Sure chat about it occasionally but it can be tiring for the other person when it's all the time.

    This is helpful advice as well. My husband can go on at length about synthesizers. I have limited knowledge or interest in music or electronics. I nod and say "uh, huh" for awhile while thinking about something else, but at some point I just have to stop him and change the subject. Nobody wants to hear about someone else's uninteresting hobby all the time. I'm supportive and let him enjoy himself, but it's not something I want to discuss all the time. I encourage him to seek out other musicians so I don't have to be his only outlet. You are always welcome to come here and talk about your weight loss and fitness adventures, OP. We love talking about that kind of thing.

    OMG, can I relate to this. When my OH has done as much pontificating about music as I can take, I say, "Ok, Mr. Neve Board."

    If your husband hasn't already seen this he must:

    http://www.documentarytube.com/videos/dave-grohl-the-sound-city-studios
  • Butts_Boys_and_Burgers_ohmy
    Butts_Boys_and_Burgers_ohmy Posts: 83 Member
    I worked with personal trainers for awhile. Over the course of 2 years, I worked with 2 females and 1 male. I got very close to all of them (and I am a big flirt by nature). They all took measurements which meant they had to touch my body. I always talked openly to them about what was going on in most aspects of my life. I kept in touch with them outside of the gym and even did social things with them (I did a fun run one year with my male trainer)

    I told my husband all of it. He was never jealous. I asked him why. He told me that he was secure in our marriage and even though I was sharing time with these people, he knew I would always come home to him.

    Now we go to the gym together. Sounds like you need to get to the bottom of why he is insecure or jealous. Have you tried asking him outright?
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    It's very a common problem. And not really a surprising one when you think about it. Although I'm not fond of the phrase "lifestyle change", that is exactly what you have done. You've change your lifestyle. You have to be aware that your lifestyle affects your family's lifestyle. Spouses don't always want a change. It can be hard and you'll need to work on it together. It can destroy relationships just like any other change.
  • AFGP11
    AFGP11 Posts: 142 Member
    edited March 2017
    I think his behavior is a red flag that warrants a visit to a marriage counselor. The feelings he's expressing are all about how he feels about himself and not how he feels about you. I find his behavior troubling. He is actively trying to guilt you for something that is good for you and that you enjoy. Someone with a healthy love for you wouldn't do that. Honestly being accused of cheating when there is no cause for suspicion is always a huge red flag in my experience and that has nothing to do with weight loss. Jealousy easily turns into possessiveness and rage. Sometimes weight loss can trigger the jealousy and rage that was already there beneath the surface. This is why many people view feeder/feedee relationships as abusive. The abuser will use food to keep the victim literally unable to move or leave them. Often in these relationships when the victim decides to lose weight, the anger and abuse comes out openly from the partner because their first choice in how to control their partner has been taken away.

    I am not saying he is a feeder or anything of that sort, but if he always encouraged you to eat, gain weight or do other self destructive things and gets upset when you stop them, there is more of a problem there than cute jealousy. This is way above MFP's pay grade. Get a professional and tell them what you told us.
  • AFGP11
    AFGP11 Posts: 142 Member
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    It's very a common problem. And not really a surprising one when you think about it. Although I'm not fond of the phrase "lifestyle change", that is exactly what you have done. You've change your lifestyle. You have to be aware that your lifestyle affects your family's lifestyle. Spouses don't always want a change. It can be hard and you'll need to work on it together. It can destroy relationships just like any other change.

    One partner being a little jealous of the other is normal. Accusing your partner of having an affair with the trainer is way beyond normal jealousy. I hope that isn't normal to you. It isn't flattering, it is a huge red flag.
  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
    AFGP11 wrote: »
    I think his behavior is a red flag that warrants a visit to a marriage counselor. The feelings he's expressing are all about how he feels about himself and not how he feels about you. I find his behavior troubling. He is actively trying to guilt you for something that is good for you and that you enjoy. Someone with a healthy love for you wouldn't do that. Honestly being accused of cheating when there is no cause for suspicion is always a huge red flag in my experience and that has nothing to do with weight loss. Jealousy easily turns into possessiveness and rage. Sometimes weight loss can trigger the jealousy and rage that was already there beneath the surface. This is why many people view feeder/feedee relationships as abusive. The abuser will use food to keep the victim literally unable to move or leave them. Often in these relationships when the victim decides to lose weight, the anger and abuse comes out openly from the partner because their first choice in how to control their partner has been taken away.

    I am not saying he is a feeder or anything of that sort, but if he always encouraged you to eat, gain weight or do other self destructive things and gets upset when you stop them, there is more of a problem there than cute jealousy. This is way above MFP's pay grade. Get a professional and tell them what you told us.

    What an extreme and ridiculous leap to abuse... jealousy does not equate to abuse and this makes me question if you even know what true abuse is.
  • cmtigger
    cmtigger Posts: 1,450 Member
    edited March 2017
    elphie754 wrote: »
    AFGP11 wrote: »
    I think his behavior is a red flag that warrants a visit to a marriage counselor. The feelings he's expressing are all about how he feels about himself and not how he feels about you. I find his behavior troubling. He is actively trying to guilt you for something that is good for you and that you enjoy. Someone with a healthy love for you wouldn't do that. Honestly being accused of cheating when there is no cause for suspicion is always a huge red flag in my experience and that has nothing to do with weight loss. Jealousy easily turns into possessiveness and rage. Sometimes weight loss can trigger the jealousy and rage that was already there beneath the surface. This is why many people view feeder/feedee relationships as abusive. The abuser will use food to keep the victim literally unable to move or leave them. Often in these relationships when the victim decides to lose weight, the anger and abuse comes out openly from the partner because their first choice in how to control their partner has been taken away.

    I am not saying he is a feeder or anything of that sort, but if he always encouraged you to eat, gain weight or do other self destructive things and gets upset when you stop them, there is more of a problem there than cute jealousy. This is way above MFP's pay grade. Get a professional and tell them what you told us.

    What an extreme and ridiculous leap to abuse... jealousy does not equate to abuse and this makes me question if you even know what true abuse is.

    He's accusing her of having an affair with her trainer. That's emotional abuse. Not all abuse is physical. Not all abuse is intentional, but counseling will work that out.


    Edited to add. Emotions aren't abuse, but many people deal with them in abusive ways.
  • Rebecca0224
    Rebecca0224 Posts: 810 Member
    Please also remember this is a big change for him. If you come home and tell him all about what you did with your trainer, talk about how good you feel after being with him, and don't spend time with your husband he may look at it differently than you. When you talk about training what he might be hearing is you talking about another man you spend a lot of time with, has common interest with you, and makes you feel good.

    This would cause jealousy for many people. Try talking to him less about training and do more with him. Make meals together, have a date night, do a puzzle together.

    You should start marriage counseling because it seems like you are both hurt, he is hurt because he feels he is losing you and you are hurt because he is upset and taking out his fear on you. Fear presents itself in different ways.
  • BlueSkyShoal
    BlueSkyShoal Posts: 325 Member
    If I were you I'd be angry as hell--accusing you of having an affair, wow wow wow. He is insulting you and your integrity. Not okay.

    I second the advice of a marriage counselor.
  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
    cmtigger wrote: »
    elphie754 wrote: »
    AFGP11 wrote: »
    I think his behavior is a red flag that warrants a visit to a marriage counselor. The feelings he's expressing are all about how he feels about himself and not how he feels about you. I find his behavior troubling. He is actively trying to guilt you for something that is good for you and that you enjoy. Someone with a healthy love for you wouldn't do that. Honestly being accused of cheating when there is no cause for suspicion is always a huge red flag in my experience and that has nothing to do with weight loss. Jealousy easily turns into possessiveness and rage. Sometimes weight loss can trigger the jealousy and rage that was already there beneath the surface. This is why many people view feeder/feedee relationships as abusive. The abuser will use food to keep the victim literally unable to move or leave them. Often in these relationships when the victim decides to lose weight, the anger and abuse comes out openly from the partner because their first choice in how to control their partner has been taken away.

    I am not saying he is a feeder or anything of that sort, but if he always encouraged you to eat, gain weight or do other self destructive things and gets upset when you stop them, there is more of a problem there than cute jealousy. This is way above MFP's pay grade. Get a professional and tell them what you told us.

    What an extreme and ridiculous leap to abuse... jealousy does not equate to abuse and this makes me question if you even know what true abuse is.

    He's accusing her of having an affair with her trainer. That's emotional abuse. Not all abuse is physical. Not all abuse is intentional, but counseling will work that out.


    Edited to add. Emotions aren't abuse, but many people deal with them in abusive ways.

    No, it's not.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Significant weight loss does change the dynamic of the relationship. Not everyone can handle it. I like that my hubby doesn't interfere with my fitness ambitions even if he doesn't share the same interests.

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