Friends suddenly unsupportive after losing a lot of weight?
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Quite amazing that strangers (co-workers, etc.) feel that they have the right to make these types of comments. Close friends and relatives have a bit more latitude in my mind, but there seems to be an underlying 'meanness' to many of the comments. Whatever happened to boundaries?
I feel no need to justify my choices. A simple - "I'm good" is all they're getting. Sorry, no explanation that I am healthy, doctor's approval, blah, blah, blah.......11 -
My grandma accused one of my friends of an eating disorder. So embarrassing :-(1
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Tell them all to back off and shut up! Gosh people make me angry. You're doing this for no one but yourself and that's all that matters. And well done!!!! Inspires me to keep going with my weight lose so I can participate in life like you!4
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Well, 1) those people obviously aren't your friends (so no loss there), and 2) they'd have nothing to say, if you hadn't made such an incredible transformation (thereby threatening them (forgive me for assuming the individuals in question are unfit)).
IMO, how you respond to them doesn't really matter. Cut them loose, and let them go back to the fantasy that they are powerless. Find supportive friends.2 -
I don't think a male friend that messages you to tell you that you "look like an effing skeleton" is a friend; he isnt truly concerned that you have an eating disorder. I suspect there's more to that on his end.
People don't always like when other people lose weight...sometimes it makes them assess their own weight.11 -
Keep in mind that most people are overweight and a large percentage are obese. People generally have no concept of what a healthy weight looks like. Once people get used to seeing you at a lower weight, their concerns and comments will go away.8
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It boils down to if you're happy with how you look then who cares. I get it sometimes, but weigh it carefully to if it is a compliment or a put down. If I think it was an intended put down I take it as a jealous statement because they want or can't do what I've accomplished. Make yourself happy and keep up the good work:)2
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If someone had said that to me on Facebook I would 1) report it as it's abuse and 2) cut them of my friend list so fast they wouldn't know what hit them, that's no friend.
As to coworkers just say thanks or shrug and move on, weightloss it's nobody's business but yours. Just ignore it.
I do think there is a skewed view on what a healthy weight looks like though as especially the western world is so used to seeing overweight and obese people. It's bound to happen that people around you will say you are looking too skinny, they will get used to it.
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My mom (my inspiration) has dropped 60 lbs with 10 to go and many, many people are telling her that she's too skinny and seem to go nuts when she says she's losing more. She just ignores and deflects. I've only lost 9 lbs but when I tell people that my goal is 125 (5'1") they tell me that I'm going to look like a skeleton. These are the same people who just gave up a crash diet the week before. SMH2
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I'd lie and say "You know what, you are absolutely right. I will stop immediately."
Then continue on doing exactly what you want and when they see you looking even better than you do today and ask why blink and say "aliens."40 -
I went through this after and during my initial weight loss. Most of my co-workers had never known me when I was skinny. My friends and family were used to me being heavy. I got comments ranging from "Is he sick?" to "it's time to stop" and everything in between. After I hit goal and stayed there for a year or so, everyone got used to the way I looked. Now when I go back and show them my before pictures they all want to know how I did it and how I've kept it off. Funny how things turn around. Just give it some time. People will get used to the "new you" and things will get back to normal. Stay with it, try not to take anything they say too seriously and most of all congratulations!11
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I think the problem is so many are overweight so when someone starts losing weight others are not accustomed to it and think your too thin. Also, most people think it's okay to call someone skinny. But in reality to many it's like calling someone fat. My husband has gastroparesis and has lost some weight. His dad called him skinny and it was really upsetting bcuz it's not like he's trying to lose weight. Some people are just unaware of how rude their words are.5
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Not everyone deals well with change and since obesity is rampant many people are not accustomed to what actual healthy weight looks like...usually I just laugh and tell whoever that I have plenty of fluff left to lose...4
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I think it's important what your relationship is with these people and what you want it to be. If it's a friend that you hope to keep and the comments seem to be coming from genuine concern, that would be handled one way. I'd want to thank them for their concerns but explain why they're wrong.
On the other hand, if the comments seem underhanded or the relationship isn't that important, that would be different.3 -
Congrats on your progress! Just keep doing you and let them know you have everything under control.2
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Losing weight is tough. Sometimes I have to talk to myself. I still have 23 lbs to go to my doctor's goal for me. When people tell me I'm getting anorexic (with a 28 BMI!) I remember how hard it is to lose weight. Eventually they will get used so seeing me thinner and stop thin shaming and offering me sweets.6
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Pretty nasty on the friend's part.heiliskrimsli wrote: »Lillymoo01 wrote: »I have noticed that those commenting that I have lost too much weight are people that are actually obese. I put it down to the fact that they have no idea of what healthy looks like. For the most part those that are most supportive and encouraging are those that are within a healthy weight range.
Those are the crabs that don't want you leaving the bucket. If you leave (by getting to and maintaining a healthy weight), it's evidence that they're fat because of their choices, not because of some externality they can't control. It makes them defensive and angry and they start attacking.
People who are a healthy weight have no need to worry about their bubble of denial bursting and no reason to be angry at someone who lost weight.
This crabs in a bucket mentality is likely the case. I'm sorry you have had that kind of hostility directed at you.3 -
The truth is you can never win. You're either too fat or too skinny because people love the power boost that comes with criticizing others. Do what you want for yourself, give them all a line, and carry on.7
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deputy_randolph wrote: »I don't think a male friend that messages you to tell you that you "look like an effing skeleton" is a friend; he isnt truly concerned that you have an eating disorder. I suspect there's more to that on his end.
Raises some red flags for me too. Feels a bit like negging.
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prattiger65 wrote: »I usually say something like, " I got tired of being fat, you may get tired of it too one day." But I'm an old *kitten*.
Interesting you should mention that. The only 2 people in my life who expressed 'concern' over my healthy weight loss (75 lbs) and said they were worried that I was now too skinny (@5'11 175 lbs, lol) were both in the mid-to-upper range of the obese category.
I could see that happening if they hadn't seen me in person while I lost the weight and so it came as a big surprise the first time they saw my new-and-improved version, but these were both people I saw pretty much every day.7 -
eventually, after everyone gets used to your new look, it stops. i had to get stern with a few close friends that wouldn't lay off the "eat a sandwich" line. it's a mixture of concern and jealousy and people hating change. it does get better over time.
i started at 250ish, after i dropped below 220 the comments started. below 200 and even my mom was seriously freaking out and talking about me behind my back. by 180 it was full panic mode. now i've been at 160 for a few months and the comments finally stopped. i'm kind of dreading the final push to get to my target race weight of 150 (i do triathlon competitively now) because I know the comments will start up again4 -
My favorite that I've gotten: when you talk about your weight loss (always only after being asked) you make me feel bad about myself. She then went on to say that my success actively hurts her feelings and that I make her feel fat -- just because I've successfully lost weight.
That person sounds awful. I'm sorry you are dealing with that, hopefully you are just writing it off. You should be proud of your hard work and her insecurities are something she needs to worry about, not you.1 -
I agree that most people have no context anymore for what healthy weight actually looks like. In America, so many of us (me included) are overweight, that being overweight is now more the norm than the exception.
I remember watching a PBS series about some American families who were sent to live a "pioneer life" in cabins in the country where they had to grow their own food, chop their own wood, cook over a wood stove, etc. One of the men was horrified to know that he had lost 20 pounds (most of it belly) and was concerned that he was not getting enough protein or calories and that he must be starving. The doctor reassured him that he was perfectly healthy, was building muscle and was, in fact, right at his ideal weight for his height. The man was not convinced and began seeking a less "strenuous" occupation to make money (distilling moonshine from their feed corn) so he sell it and buy "more nutritious" store-bought food like processed flour and sugar. He quickly put the weight back on and got his belly back. We have lost all perspective about what true health looks like and what is "normal".9 -
fat people are no different than drug addicts. Similarly, a drug addict will chastise a friend that decides to get clean. When you are in the gutter , it is sometimes easier to bring people down than to climb out. Just accept that they have issues and that they are most likely saying things out of spite.12
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People amaze me with their willingness to comment on others' bodies. I will tell someone they "look good" if I notice them dropping or leaning up. I will tell a close girlfriend "Dude, your boobs look amazing in that shirt!" because that's how I am with some of my friends. Beyond that... damn son!! Learn some manners.5
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You flexed your muscles and took charge - good for you!
The vast majority cannot accept that they are in charge of their lives and willingly embrace the victim role. You did not. You are now at odds with their perception of reality. Either you took charge of your life and made positive changes or life's lottery placed a new victim role on you. They cannot accept that you could take charge of your life, because this would mean that they could do the same.
Best thing in the world is to prove the naysayers wrong.4 -
tabletop_joe wrote: »deputy_randolph wrote: »I don't think a male friend that messages you to tell you that you "look like an effing skeleton" is a friend; he isnt truly concerned that you have an eating disorder. I suspect there's more to that on his end.
Raises some red flags for me too. Feels a bit like negging.
It felt that way to me too.
OP, a male friend who sent me that message, especially if he mixed messages about how I looked with faux health concerns ("you look like a skeleton" and "you might have an eating disorder") would get an earful about how my body doesn't exist to look good for him and how I don't give a damn whether he thinks I look like a skeleton or not. I'd go full-on Womens' Studies 101 and yell at him about male gaze. I just have no patience for that BS.18 -
Loss of social relationships is one of the things they talk about in bariatric surgery classes... While I have had surgery now, I lost 115lbs on my own before doing the surgery, and I experienced the loss of friends during both processes.
Now, it is true that some are expressing their real concern or they are struggling with seeing someone they love change. This is a normal situation, and usually, if their concern is genuine, it mitigates over time as they see you continue to be healthy and maintain relationships. Unfortunately, I think that it is also true that sometimes people find comfort in not being "the fattest person in the room" so when they see others making progress, ones that they saw in a way like "at least I'm not as big as XYZ," it becomes a threat and an alarm to their shaky self-worth.
In my situation, people handled the slower weight loss I had prior to surgery much more easily than the weight loss I've seen after surgery. I lost a dear friend of over 5 years because she couldn't handle supporting the transition after surgery. It was as if the fact that I no longer could have days where I "slipped" on my diet or something made her feel so convicted that she created conflicts to hold over my head. When she "broke up" with me, it came completely out of the blue for me... I was sad for maybe a day before I accepted that her body image issues were not mine to control.
Transitioning from a weight perspective can be rough on everyone involved, and rouse up insecurities that people either didn't know they had or were actively denying. I know for me, my obvious changes are holding others accountable. Some rise to the challenge and get healthy alongside you... Others take it personally and feel hurt. I think from an individual perspective, however, it's also important to acknowledge that the body change also coincides with changes to your passions, personality and choices... You are literally transitioning to being a different person, or should be, if you are going to maintain weight loss. Your choices are different, your stature is different, the way you feel about yourself and the exuded confidence level has likely changed too. Getting healthy isn't just about the body, it's about the mind and spirit, and sometimes we really do become very different people that no longer connect to those we used to be connected to.
Recognizing how much you have changed in all the ways that you do could help you mend fences or communicate more effectively with those that express concern... Usually they comment about the body because it's more obvious than the internal changes... The correlation between changes to who you are at the core and the changes to your physical body leave others to comment on the only thing they can actively see. Sometimes, you just need patience. Other times, you need honesty enough to decide that these people are no longer the people you need in your life.24 -
I was 250 Lbs (came down from 378) and my aunt told me not to lose too much weight. For goodness sake, I was 250 Lbs - and very obese. I know she was well-meaning but it irritates me when people say that. I know what is a good weight for me and I have reasonable goals. I work out a lot and eat healthy.6
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Honestly they're probably just shocked/jealous of your newfound health. Women (especially) can be really vindictive when they see another as a threat. I'm not sure why we're like that, but it's something I've seen a lot, particularly at an all-girl's school.3
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