When you live with people who never gain weight and eat all the stuff you cannot touch.
Replies
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OP others have already addressed your comments about being envious of your partner and the foods he is able to eat in quantities that are appropriate for his stats and activity level, to presumably maintain his weight.
You also mentioned not being able to lose. Maybe instead of focusing on your boyfriends dietary habits, you should take a look at your situation more closely, to address why you may not be losing.
What are your stats: height, weight, goal weight and chosen activity level.
What rate of loss did you select? What calorie goal did MFP provide?
Are you logging all the foods you eat, as accurately as possible, ideally using a food scale?
Do you exercise? What sort? Do you log and eat back exercise calories?
How long have you been doing this? What results have you seen?
Get your own plan in order, get on track to lose at an appropriate rate of loss for your goals, and then perhaps you'll find that you are able to work the same foods in as your boyfriend, in appropriate portions for your size and goals.
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@WinoGelato yes I hear ya.
I am aware that my problem has been sticking to a diet. I try to do it for a while and then fall off track. So I lose rather slowly.
Fitting his foods into my day, through, would be tough. He consumes meals and foods that are pretty heavy in fat and carbs, which works fine for him! But a bite of his Mac n' cheese would be worth 50 calories.
When you are trying to make every calorie count, I say make your own Mac n cheese that you can have a proper serving of.
I just have to deal with my plan.
Stats:
5'3.5"
170lbs
33 (almost)
Female.
MFP puts me at 1200-1500 cal/day for loss of 2lbs-0.5lbs/week.
Knowing me, my lifestyle, my job, etc... even when I try to fit in activities they aren't enough to offset the day.
I'm a short-ish girl with medium body frame... but my appetite is that of a giant bear!
This definitely takes some adapting. Seems harder every time I gain the weight back.
But I am trying to make it somehow a lifestyle.
Honestly, I wish I never learned about diets! When I was young I became overly concerned with my weight (especially being teased by family and strangers on all that). Then the diet roller coaster took off. Can't wait for that ride to end!0 -
@WinoGelato I think I missed a few questions..
Goal Weight Range: 135-145lbs
Yes I use a food scale.
I log as accurately as I can but I know there are bound to be errors! That's why I try to goal myself lower than my actual recommendation. (i.e., if I wanna only eat 1500, I aim for 1300 for the day etc).
I've lose and gained 20-30lbs since I was a teen, so I've been doing this for about half my life?
I think I answered all the questions?
Anyways, moving right along.
Just gotta deal with the craving/hunger challenges ahead.
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That's why we're trying to tell you to stop with deprivation, over restriction, dieting and (yes) martyrdom. You paint a picture of sitting in a corner with your sad salad moping while you eat it. I'm assuming you don't spend all day together, so right away you have responsibility for your own breakfast & lunch - that's 2/3 of your day to weigh and log. Ask him what goes into his dinners, weigh out the ingredients and determine your portion that fits into your calories for the day. If the amount isn't satiating enough, add your salad or veggies.
At your weight, you should, at the most, be set to lose 1 lb per week and you probably would have greater success with 1/2 lb. Re-read the replies you received and try to get a different mind-set that will help you succeed!3 -
That's why we're trying to tell you to stop with deprivation, over restriction, dieting and (yes) martyrdom. You paint a picture of sitting in a corner with your sad salad moping while you eat it. I'm assuming you don't spend all day together, so right away you have responsibility for your own breakfast & lunch - that's 2/3 of your day to weigh and log. Ask him what goes into his dinners, weigh out the ingredients and determine your portion that fits into your calories for the day. If the amount isn't satiating enough, add your salad or veggies.
At your weight, you should, at the most, be set to lose 1 lb per week and you probably would have greater success with 1/2 lb. Re-read the replies you received and try to get a different mind-set that will help you succeed!
Ha! Nope. No salad in that corner... just quiet contemplation and water. Sometimes tea.
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Anyways, thanks everyone for your insight.
I honestly just needed to vent. I know what I gotta do, but last night was one of those tough ones. I read here that you can reach out to the community when feeling stressed or struggling so that's what I did.
It's not every day, but some days are harder than others! Thanks to those of you who authentically related to me.
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An important point that Dr. Yoni Freedhoff makes in his book The Diet Fix is that people can't take weight off and keep it off if they're feeling deprived all the time. Successful long-term weight loss requires making a sustainable change in how you eat. That includes learning to eat smaller portions of foods that you enjoy and don't want to completely cut out. One question he suggests that you ask yourself: "How much of this do I need to eat to feel satisfied?" I find that really helps me with things like ice cream, cheese, and other calorie-dense foods.6
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@WinoGelato yes I hear ya.
I am aware that my problem has been sticking to a diet. I try to do it for a while and then fall off track. So I lose rather slowly.
Fitting his foods into my day, through, would be tough. He consumes meals and foods that are pretty heavy in fat and carbs, which works fine for him! But a bite of his Mac n' cheese would be worth 50 calories.
When you are trying to make every calorie count, I say make your own Mac n cheese that you can have a proper serving of.
I just have to deal with my plan.
Stats:
5'3.5"
170lbs
33 (almost)
Female.
MFP puts me at 1200-1500 cal/day for loss of 2lbs-0.5lbs/week.
Knowing me, my lifestyle, my job, etc... even when I try to fit in activities they aren't enough to offset the day.
I'm a short-ish girl with medium body frame... but my appetite is that of a giant bear!
This definitely takes some adapting. Seems harder every time I gain the weight back.
But I am trying to make it somehow a lifestyle.
Honestly, I wish I never learned about diets! When I was young I became overly concerned with my weight (especially being teased by family and strangers on all that). Then the diet roller coaster took off. Can't wait for that ride to end!
You are still framing this in a negative way, comparing what your boyfriend gets to eat, to what you have to deprive yourself from. Also looking at things as a diet, talking about sitting in a corner contemplative with water while your boyfriend eats "his foods".
You don't have much to lose, and should be aiming for about 1 lb/week for the next 15 or so pounds then change to 0.5 lb/week.
Plan your meals out ahead of time. Do you live with your boyfriend? Take all your meals together? Focus on foods that provide nutrition, satiety, and enjoyment. You mentioned modifying foods to fit in your plan, why not talk with him about compromising and trying some new recipes for his favorites that are modified five more calorie friendly (skinny taste has a lot of great ones). Then Pick a meal a week to really enjoy with your boyfriend, if you bank 100 -200 or so calories during the week you can enjoy an extra 500-1000 cals for an actual meal with him where you do eat what he eats, or you go for ice cream after dinner or out for a couple of beers.
Most of us who have found sustainable success on here got over the feeling of deprivation and sacrifice and figured out how to make this lifestyle change fit with our current lifestyle as much as possible. For me that still means drinking wine, having pizza with my family, going out with girlfriends for drinks and appetizers, taking my kids for ice cream... giving up those things wasn't going to work, so I figured out how to make them work, in the context of an overall balanced and healthy diet and active lifestyle.
When you're really ready, you'll figure it out too.13 -
Yup. Thanks for all that.
Cheers!0 -
Hello.
I'm just stressed a tad here. I live with my boyfriend who cooks amazing food, orders fatty deep rich pizza from restaurants, devours as much as he pleases and can never seem to synchronize meal time with me.
It's so exhausting watching him inhale all the delicious bottomless meals all day, while I am 35lbs overweight and cannot lose for the life of me.
He never gains anything. Naturally lean and fit.
Life ain't fair, that's for d@!$ sure.
What do you do when you are trying to stay at your calorie limit every day while the person/people you live with eat everything you can't in front of you?
If nothing else, vent with me! Gah!
I know what you mean! I have pity parties for myself every so often because of that, but I find that overall having an attitude of gratitude keeps me on a more even keel.3 -
@CoachJen71 exactly! Thank you.2
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never mind. For some reason only the first line of my reply posted. I don't have time right now to rewrite it. But I can definitely relate to what you're saying!1
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I dealt with that exact same thing! It frustrated me because I am seriously in a fight to save my life & he would sit down next to me to stuff his face with pizza, wings, breadsticks....etc. I finally sat him down & explained to him that I need his help or I am going to give up & seriously die. He finally started trying to help me more. He even started eating in another room if he is eating something I just can't have & we are doing walks or bike rides together. Small steps but every bit helps & makes it a tiny bit easier!!3
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middlehaitch wrote: »My partner is twice my size (me 5'1, 100lbs, he 6'3, 210lbs), and has a semi physical job so can eat my calories x 3 without gaining.
We eat the same foods - just appropriate portion sizes. Make it about what you can eat, not what you can't. He sits with a bowl of chips and dip, or whatever, I will take a small handful and savour it.
Find what works for you, but don't put pressure on him. It's not his journey.
Cheers, h.
Yes, my OH is a foot taller than me and we used to split 1280 calorie pizzas before I realized I was being foolish. Now he gets 5 pieces and I have 3 pieces and a large salad. I don't find pizza very filling so we don't have it very often.2 -
Hello.
I'm just stressed a tad here. I live with my boyfriend who cooks amazing food, orders fatty deep rich pizza from restaurants, devours as much as he pleases and can never seem to synchronize meal time with me.
It's so exhausting watching him inhale all the delicious bottomless meals all day, while I am 35lbs overweight and cannot lose for the life of me.
He never gains anything. Naturally lean and fit.
Life ain't fair, that's for d@!$ sure.
What do you do when you are trying to stay at your calorie limit every day while the person/people you live with eat everything you can't in front of you?
If nothing else, vent with me! Gah!
I would eat smaller breakfasts and lunches, budget calories for dinner, and make time for exercise in order to earn calories from exercise.
Also, as others have said, don't try to lose more than a pound a week for now and drop it down to a half a pound a week when you're around 20 pounds from goal.3 -
My Mom and I have the same or similar problem as you. Her husband is uber skinny (Type 1 diabetic) and has always struggled to maintain his weight (he can easily get too skinny) even though he is constantly snacking on sweets, pastries, cookies, etc. in addition to regular meals.
My husband, though not super skinny, has a much more active job, restricts nothing, and eats all kinds of stuff in front of me that just doesn't fit my macros. I am really proud of myself, though, because I have managed to resist the temptations over and over. And, honestly, I think it is getting easier over time. Just yesterday he bought a half dozen freshly baked, warm chocolate chip cookies and ate 2 in front of me. We took the other 4 cookies home to the kids. I'm not going to tell you that my mouth wasn't watering while I watched him eat them, because it was. But, it would so not have been worth it today when I would have been up a pound (from carb induced water weight) instead of down a pound.2 -
Awww thanks guys.
Your support means a lot to me! It's helping me feel more grounded.2 -
Stats:
5'3.5"
170lbs
33 (almost)
Female.
MFP puts me at 1200-1500 cal/day for loss of 2lbs-0.5lbs/week.
These numbers sounded "off" to me, so I plugged your stats into an online calculator. That tells me you are set to sedentary. Which may very well be right for your current lifestyle - but if you have a hard time eating so little, that's the first thing you want to change.
Increasing your activity level to "lightly active" isn't all that difficult if you make a concerted effort. It doesn't require going to the gym. It just requires spending more time on your feet during the day. And it "buys" you an extra 300-ish calories every day, taking you from 1300 calories/day to lose 1 pound/week to 1600 calories/day to lose 1 pound/week. To me, that's the difference between doable and "you have to be kidding me". (Yes, I know some people are fine on 1200 calories/day. I am not. And, barring disability, being sedentary is a choice. I think the OP should consider the alternative since she sounds like her sentiments mirror mine.)
So, what exactly is "lightly active"? It's somebody who gets about 5,000-8,000 steps/day. That can be from going for a walk after work or on your lunch hour. Or it can be from adding a few hundred steps here and there throughout your daily routine - parking at the far end of the parking lot, taking an extra loop (or an inefficient route) at the grocery store and the mall, that sort of thing. Pedometers are cheap, and step-counting apps on smart phones are free. So, you can track your activity to keep you honest so that you know when you're actually earning the "lightly active" designation.
You may also want to pay attention to what foods you find filling. For some people, it's protein. For others, fat. For others, fibre. And some people need a combination or balance of the three.
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I get it, OP!
My husband is 8 inches taller than me, and he is a big weightlifter. When he is bulking he eats a bajillion calories a day. Even when he isn't he has to eat a fair amount to maintain his lean muscle mass.
I eat at a .5 deficit and workout out 5-6 days a week, split between weights and running.
I just have to deal. He is as serious about his fitness as I am mine, and his means he has to eat. When he's cutting I don't envy him at all- bland chicken and broccoli all day every day. Boring!
I keep my snacks seperate from the boys so I don't even have to be tempted by theirs. I am also the one in the house (Im a stay home mom) who does most of the shopping, meal planning and cooking- so I just plan stuff that fits for me and dh just eats more.3 -
@SusanMFindlay that's valuable insight. I do get in some movement, walk on lunch breaks, occasion the gym, and try to do little things here and there. Once upon a time I would work out like a beast! When I was 7 years younger, I was able to drop off body fat by spending a lot of time at the gym doing cardio and weights while eating about 1625 calories/day.
I tried that again last year, but nothing really happened. It made no difference in my body composition and trust me, I was working hard.
I know ppl don't like to hear this, but exercise isn't gonna grant that much more food in a day. It has great health benefits! But when it comes to calories, all the professionals I've spoken to say that I need to follow 1200 calories/day strictly. They also say, "don't cheat!"
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And again, thanks to you guys for the feedback and support.
Guess what?! My boyfriend offered to cook me a vegetarian favorite that's diet-friendly that I could have on hand through the week. He's cooking his own separate meal too, but he made an effort to have something tasty on hand for me. We got the recipe from Skinny Taste.
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@genpopadopolous keeping your snacks separate is smart! I used to do that when I lived with more people. Now, however, with my boyfriend, there's no need. 0
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@SusanMFindlay that's valuable insight. I do get in some movement, walk on lunch breaks, occasion the gym, and try to do little things here and there. Once upon a time I would work out like a beast! When I was 7 years younger, I was able to drop off body fat by spending a lot of time at the gym doing cardio and weights while eating about 1625 calories/day.
I tried that again last year, but nothing really happened. It made no difference in my body composition and trust me, I was working hard.
I believe you, but I wasn't recommending gym time. For a lot of people, if they ramp up gym time, they tend to subconsciously downregulate physical activity over the rest of their day - and 15 hours of "less physically active than usual" can very easily "undo" 1 hour at the gym. I was suggesting increasing baseline activity level - which is very different from going to the gym.
To throw some numbers at you, I get just under 20,000 steps/day and am on my feet a lot. That burns about 1,000 calories/day over and above what I would burn sedentary. My weight loss given my calorie intake confirms this. At the ripe old age of 40, I lose weight averaging about 2,300 calories/day even when I can't fit in gym time.
So, I call BS on "physical activity doesn't matter". They're talking about the phenomenon I just described (gym time killing energy levels for the rest of the day) - not a general increase in low-level physical activity throughout the whole day. And, yes, I get that 20,000 steps/day won't fit into everyone's life. But, barring physical disability, 10,000 steps/day can - and, certainly, 5,000-8,000 steps/day can.6 -
@SusanMFindlay wow.
I never thought of it that way!
Maybe there's hope for me after all. I appreciate this information. I have an old step tracker I might start using again...
Cheers! 0 -
@SusanMFindlay that's valuable insight. I do get in some movement, walk on lunch breaks, occasion the gym, and try to do little things here and there. Once upon a time I would work out like a beast! When I was 7 years younger, I was able to drop off body fat by spending a lot of time at the gym doing cardio and weights while eating about 1625 calories/day.
I tried that again last year, but nothing really happened. It made no difference in my body composition and trust me, I was working hard.
I know ppl don't like to hear this, but exercise isn't gonna grant that much more food in a day. It has great health benefits! But when it comes to calories, all the professionals I've spoken to say that I need to follow 1200 calories/day strictly. They also say, "don't cheat!"
What "professionals" are recommending a strict 1200 cal/day diet, and is that net, or total (meaning you wouldn't eat back exercise cals)?
For what it's worth, I'm 5'2 and lost >30 lbs eating between 1600-1800 cals, because as @SusanMFindlay described, I have a high NEAT due to just being busy and keeping my general activity high, while rarely going to the gym. I'm now maintaining with a TDEE of ~2200.4 -
@WinoGelato those professionals were nutritionists, personal trainers, and nurse practitioners. This is advice I had received again and again over the years...at first I was upset by the advice, but lately I think maybe it's applicable.
I am trying to get my step tracker back online (it's battery is drained so I am charging it now).
I guess I could play with the slightly higher range for calories, but ultimately trial and error will tell me what i need to eat.0 -
@WinoGelato I often wonder if I have somehow weakened my metabolism over the years of yo-yo weight fluctuations and dieting. This too makes me think I might have to take in 1200 or so. But hey, I'll be super pleased to discover I'm wrong and I can eat more!1
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I just wanted to say I'm basically in the same boat! So I get it, and I can vent a little...
My boyfriend is the same height as me. He's 20 pounds lighter than me right now. But obviously as a male he can eat a bit more. He also works on his feet all day while I sit at a desk. Finally, he is super fidgety and anxious, and likes working with his hands in free time.
He loves vegetables and eats pretty healthy food. But he also does McDonald's every Saturday night, puts heaping amounts of cream in his coffee, likes candy and stuff like that, which makes people perceive him as eating unhealthy (for example my mom always sees him at my house on Saturday nights eating his McDonald's so her perception may be skewed).
We don't live together yet - this summer we're moving in together. In the years we've been together he's seen me small, overweight, and everything in between. We eat fast food, doughnuts, and the cheesecake factory together, even when I'm while losing weight. I often bank calories for our date nights to accomplish this. It helps to have a heads up or a plan for when a big calorie meal might be coming. When he isn't around I've got my little scale and you bet I'm weighing my almonds to the gram and drinking diet coke. Who knows, maybe when we live together it'll be harder.2 -
@WinoGelato I often wonder if I have somehow weakened my metabolism over the years of yo-yo weight fluctuations and dieting. This too makes me think I might have to take in 1200 or so. But hey, I'll be super pleased to discover I'm wrong and I can eat more!
Yo yo dieting likely has slightly lowered your metabolism by eating away at your muscle - but not by enough to condemn you to "can only lose weight eating 1200". Not at your current weight. At your current weight, increasing activity level should counteract that effect reasonably well.1
This discussion has been closed.
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