Need Advice for Stay-At-Home Husband who is Unhappy

BuffyKicksButt

Hello,

I know this isn't really fitness related but I thought I could reach a large group of people that may have advice for me. My husband has been a stay-at-home Dad for 2 yrs now. Not by choice more the economy, he has a carpentry business (nuff said there). So at first he was very moody, irritated and angry but I chalked it up to getting used to the stay-at-home thing which is not easy by any means. But now it has been a longtime and his anger hasn't seemed to of gotten any better. The only time he is not in a bad mood is when the weekend comes and I take over with the kids (Fri-Sun) and he can do his work or whatever he wants to do basically. We have talked at length about this and he knows he has past anger towards his parents but will not admit to any anger coming from being forced to stay at home with the kids. Either way he refuses to talk to anyone other than me about it (I suggested therapy). He doesn't think its necessary or doesn't want to. He gets pissed about the smallest stuff and then always blames someone or something else.

I am at the point where I don't know what to do anymore. Its affecting me and the kids and our marriage. If I were to quit my job and stay at home we would would most definitely lose our house. I have already worked it out so that I can work from home 2 days and in the office 2 days (10 hr days) so that I can be around to help more, but this doesn't seem to matter. I don't expect any housework to be done so I am not nagging him at all - pretty much anything I can do to help I am but the fact remains he is obviously not happy.

Let me be clear when I say he is angry I do NOT mean violent, just crabby and short all the time. I am not looking for a bunch of insults towards my husband or for anyone to feel sorry for me - I really am looking for someone who has a similar experience or even any Dads out there that went through something like this..

Many Thanks

Garfy

Hi

I was just wondering how old the kids are ?

Angie

BuffyKicksButt

We have a 5 yr old Boy and 2 yr old girl

ron2282

It is possible for him to get a part time job somewhere? Just for him to get out of the house and working for a few hours a week.

sngnyrslp

I think men are conditioned to believe that they're supposed to work and make money to support their families. As a result, your husband might be feeling like he's not doing what he "should" be doing or like he's not a "real man," and that worry might be coming to the surface as anger. As far as advice goes, I don't know if there's much you can do besides reassure him that he's not any less of a man just because he isn't working. I think you're right to try to talk to him about it though; have you tried to explain to him how it's affecting you? Maybe he just doesn't realize the effects of his anger.

Phoenix_Rising

Sounds like he might be depressed. Depression causes all those symptoms that you are describing. I think it's especially hard for men, not being able to work (due to the economy). Even if he doesn't want therapy, maybe you can convince him to go to your family doc and see about getting a mild anti-depressant, to see if that would help take the edge off.

(((hugs))) We're all going through tough times, but we are tougher. Keep your chin up, dear.

Glorilee

I know what you mean and what you're going through. My husband-to-be is only working parttime right now and stays home the rest of the time. Even though our kids are older (18, 16, 14) and can pretty much take care of themselves, he has been thrown into the role of STAY-AT-HOME-PARENT while I work full time (40 hrs a week). I guess what keeps him busy is the computer and housework. He stays on top of the laundry and dishes for the most part. I do my fair share as well. And he knows he can talk to me anytime.

I would just keep telling him how GREAT he is and how much you appreciate the fact that he is doing what he is doing with the kids. Not many fathers get the chance to evern be with their children because they work all the time. WHAT A GREAT DADDY!!!!!

GG :flowerforyou:

Amandac6772

My husband lost his job in January of 2009. He was able to take advantage of TAA and go to school but he has been very crabby and just a pill to be around sometimes. I think it's more that #1 he would much rather be working and #2 he doesn't feel like he is providing for his family even though he is still on unemployment and #3 we are living on MUCH less money than when he was working. He also looks at unemployment as taking a handout. I've tried to explain that there was nothing he could do to prevent the economy tanking and his company pulling out of our area. It's just a tough transition for men going from working to being at home most of the time.

tn2010

I can only speak from my own experience as a Stay At Home Mom. I was horrible at it. I was not getting the mental stimulation that I needed in order to feel good about myself. I hated that my conversations with my husband were about how many diapers I'd changed and what book we'd checked out from the library. I harbored a lot of jealousy toward my husband and his days spent with intelligent adults (he was in grad school at the time). It was essential for me that I had some sort of outlet--with ADULTS--that I could do by myself. I am a musician and I ended up joining a community band. It's amazing how much better I felt once I had my head back in the game, so to speak. I know this probably doesn't help much, but I can totally relate.

peggy1952

Try to think about the place he is in. He may really feel isolated and may need to work and get out of the house to feel whole.
Just a suggestion, look into daycare.

kendra1976

My husband was a stay at home dad for 3 years. He just recently went back to work. He enjoyed it but it wore on him. Society seemed to look down on us since I worked and he stayed home. I got him involved in some daddy groups and that really helped him talked to other people and get out of the house more. hugs..

he can find local groups at www.meetup.com they have ones specifically for stay at home dad's too.

melbhall

I can sort of relate to your husband because I am a stay at home mom (by choice). Being home all day can be a lonely job sometimes. I was a teacher before I gave birth and always had fun and hectic days. Once I left work I gained weight and honestly some resentment. I was jealous that my husband was still able to be social and go to lunch with coworkers while I was most likely eating junk food on the couch, in my pjs, in front of the tv. Maybe your husband feels this way too. Also, its hard going from working and having a sense of accomplishment and feeling pride in yourself and work to being home and never feeling like you are rewarded for your hard work. I finally had to give myself task lists just so I could feel like I was actually being productive by watching tasks get checked off. Finally, it may just be hard for your hubby bwcause he's not the main bread winner in your house. I wish I had some advice for you but don't have any magic words. Just keep trying to be supportive, it looks like you are being an awesome wife. And maybe have a real heart to heart about how he's making you feel. Just because he's unhappy with his situation does not give him the right to make you and the kids feel bad. Is it possible for him to look for another job? Or find part time work on the days you are home?

DJDUFFY

I know how you feel also.When my husband was working and i wasn't,he was very demanding and yelled at the top of his lungs to get me out there and find a job.I tried but there was no jobs to be found.My friend at the time got me a job where she works so i thought everything would be smoothly.Not really,when i was working first and he was working third shift,Nothing was getting done around the house.He was still yelling at me.I told him we need to see a marriage counselor,he said no.So we went on like that for 3 years and i felt like running away or divorcing him.He changed to 1st shift and it got better with us,then when i lost my job he went right back to 3rd shift.So i am at home doing the house chores and he worked alot of hours.We are now both unemployed and it seems like his anger is coming and going.When he gets that angry to where he yells,I leave and go for a walk and come back and we talk.Just like you he only yells never lays a hand on me and never will.Since you have kids but what are the ages?I hope he don't take it out on the kids and yell?I just think that maybe the men stress alot and don't tell us women what is going on so they think they can yell at us for maybe just the little crazy stuff and make us go crazy,LOL Who knows with men

byHISstrength

In my opinion, from what I understand about men, he probably feels depressed because he is not out there earning an income. That does something to a man not being the main provider for his family. That is a good thing. I would be concerned if he was completely happy to be home. I know my husband is a doer and he is constantly wanting to get things done and provide for our family whether it be working at his job or getting stuff done around our home. You seem like a good supportive wife. I think you should just encourage him and be positive...point out anything he does that is positive and make him feel like a man and that he is needed. Men want respect the way women want to be loved.

BTW, I really think it is great that you made it clear that you don't want people to bash your husband.

I'll be praying for your situation.

Mellie13

My dad has gone through some tough times like this (though not when I was little) and I think for many men it is difficult and somewhat demasculizing to not be the breadwinner. My only advice is to find as many ways possible to really build him up and help him "feel like a man" and show him that you do need him. I'm sure he is very hurt and probably feels like he is not doing his job as the husband/father. I would just go over the top in encouraging him that he is a great husband/father and even a great man. Especially things that are "masculine" that he does really well. I would notice and point out the good things he does and even "brag" to your friends when he does these things. It sounds like he needs a lot of encouragment right now. I would also make sure he gets some time with his guy friends. I know that this is vital for my husband and if he doesn't get his "guy time" he is cranky. Hope that helps! I'll pray for you!

nursee67

My husband just recently finished therapy for depression. At first, he thought it was kind of stupid...but then he learned a lot from it. He is employed but he actually wishes he wasn't.... at least not where he is at. He is also in the mindset spoken about earlier that a man is to provide for the family so he stays with his crappy job. I have a good job and can also make more income with a part time job but he feels it would be unfair to me. Also, are you and your hubby abler to have adult time? Sometimes, caring for kids all day can make you crazy...even when they are yours.
Good luck to you both. Remember,marriage is not always easy but if you love each other, you will do EVERYTHING you can to keep it together. Talk to someone...it does help.

Precious_Nissa

Most men, that I know, who have been in or close to this situation, mainly have anger because their 1st mind is to be the one who is being the "backbone" of the house....men feel inadequate if they are not being the sole prize winner....

I'd say to try to find compromise with him...maybe he can find another part time job, or find something he enjoys doing and allow him to do it so that he is not feeling like a "babysitter"...yes he is the father and what not but when watching your kids feels like its more a chore than an actual raising the kids then it can cause stress and anger etc....

Just be patient with him...continue being his outlet....and pray for him....

BuffyKicksButt

Thanks guys He actually does work on the weekends and being Summer his business has picked up quite a bit. I do encourage him to get out of the house go visit with friends if he doesn't have work to do and he does and I can tell it makes him feel better and he is in a better mood for those days. But then come Monday morning it is back to the same routine of short-tempered moods. Unfortunately he is very much old-school and will not even take an aspirin for a headache so any anti-depressant is out of the question for him (maybe for me though).

I will try to keep giving him positive encouragement it is really tuff to always be the happy one though - gets tiresome.

Motivationed

Everyone has brought up some good points here. Really good. I know when I have been short, angry and in a sense depressed (but not admitting it) much of it was focused around being a provider in the money area. Truth is many of us struggle living within our means and when debt accumulates and other habits pile up like over eating etc.. or sloth.

For me to get out of my "Hole" I had to begin working out and taking care of myself... although I do work and business is picking up, I have told myself that my job is to be the BEST Father and husband I can be - the money has to come after that... by this I mean I should be at top fitness levels to be an example to my kids (and be fair to my wife) and well the BIG Spin off that has happened is that I feel so strong and amazing from losing some weight and finding a fitness program that works for me that most of the anger/depression type feelings dissipate .

I did this with some help of listening to some Motivational Audio programs to get my head on straight and keep feeding it with Goals, Dreams and being the best type stuff because I needed to KICK OUT the losers living in my head.... who were causing me to stay in the quicksand of being a 50 Percenter! (living life half-potential)

How is your husbands fitness levels and diet. - He can have a huge influence on the children in this time/situation - it's up to him to "make that decision" on what he is showing them - they will "mirror" his every move.

ccaruso219

I have been dealing with pretty much the same situation. Except I am the one that is home for a year and have no kids. I get my moods and snap at anybody that comes near me. I try to avoid as many people as possible. I wind up just staying home. I don't go out because I don't have the luxury ( I'll call it ) of having someone with another income, it is just me. It is hard when you have been a provider for a very long time and then you can't do it anymore especially when it is no fault of your own. I can usually catch myself before I fall into a depression, but whne that happens I just want to be left alone. eventually, something will get me out of my funk. I have noticed though that since I have had the time to workout, I have been feeling a bit better. Its hard to watch others go on vacation or go out to eat all the time.
The job hunt doesn't help. Like your husband, I am in a specialized field and times are lean, very lean. The truth is most companies want to hire younger people that they can pay less.
The only advice I can give you is just be there for him. You are the closest person to him so you are going to be the punching bag. Just be supportive and help him find things to do that will keep his mind busy for his own sanity. My children are my cats and believe it or not they are what keep me sane.
I hope things change for the many of us that are and have been unemployed for a while

ladybug1620

Do you have any "mothers day out" programs in your area? I don't think they run during summer. But during the school year, it's like a daycare twice a week and usually is from 9am-2pm. That way he can have some alone time for a few hours each week. Maybe he's just overwhelmed behing home with the kids. I know I wouldn't be able to be at home full time. Some people just can't.