Need Advice for Stay-At-Home Husband who is Unhappy

waguchan

My husband has been unemployed the past year (electrician) and is a stay at home dad currently watching our 3 year old. He gets pretty grumpy sometimes too and whines about not being able to help me more financially. But I insist that he's helping me out much more by staying at home right now. And he realizes that it isn't too smart to take a job that pays about the same or less than what we'd have to pay for a full-time sitter.

I found a nice drop-in day care and signed him up for some classes and he was so happy to get out of the house once in a while. The few times I've gone to pick her up the day care tells me, "Your husband is always so happy to drop her off!" He also exercises A LOT at home to P90X and Insanity. He teaches our daughter to exercise and they enjoy dancing together. Now that the weather is nice, he has been having fun taking her on walks to the nearby parks. Yesterday, they even discovered a small stream and played in it together.

patmarie

Part of this may be that he may be depressed about his inability to work in his chosen field and support his family financially. This is totally understandable - it may not make it any easier that many of people are experiencing the same thing, especially men and it is harder mentally for men than for women, maybe because we women are wired differently about what is our most important purpose in life. But, as you said, there may have been issues going on prior to him having this upsetting change in his life, and though it is important that he is not violent, sounds like anger is his main way of dealing with the ups and downs of life, with there now being many "downs" some depression thrown in too, making the anger worse.

Obviously this is not a good way for any of you to have to live as a family, and not a good environment for your kids to be growing up in. At some point you may have to make it a deal breaker that he has to talk to someone else. If not a therapist, OK, but could he find a group of men that he will hang with (on a regular basis, that would be essential) a men's group at your place of worship, or even some type of clergy person? If you and your family aren't into church, maybe some other type of group, a class or sports team. Or if you and your spouse are open to it but just never got around to it, maybe now would be the time to look for a spiritual group that would fit your needs. Could he look into an online support group of stay at home dads or men who are dealing with downturns in his industry?

Even if you can't afford a vacation, try to have an outing, at least every two weeks, where you go for a family hike, picnic, to the beach, lake, etc., just the two of you and your kids. Just for half or most of a day if that 's all the time you have. A weekend or overnight once in a while would be good too. There are many things we can do that are free or very low cost. And being out in nature can be especially healing and relaxing. If he could go out with some guys either in nature, i.e. fishing or some other guy thing, that would be good too. And right now it's summer many communities have free concerts in the park. Old fashioned, maybe, but relaxing and the kids can run around and have fun, too.

Good luck to you... re: that "deal breaker" thing, a woman married many years with a large family gave me some good advice, sometimes when you take a stand, not on something trivial, but on something crucial for your kids and your marriage, men just do not listen or take it seriously. Sometimes you just have to leave, not forever, but just for one or two nights. Since you have little ones, you'd need to take them with you. Go to a friend or family's house, but keep communication with him minimal. Sometimes a man needs that to wake up and see that this IS serious, gives him some quiet time to process things without anyone talking at him, too.

Jessica68

Im home this week watching grandkids and its so different - I love them and they make me smile at every little thing they do, but I must admit...I miss my old me already cant imagine doing this for long term. They are 5 and 18months. Its just different - a whole different life. I would imagine that if this were long time for me I definitely would need to find a daily hobby of something, maybe when my spouse came home to take over I would go for a walk, go fishing, go to the gym...tan. I would NEED daily "ME" time to keep the sanity. Not just weekends, but daily. That's just my opinion.

It would be rewarding to myself to know I only have "so many hours" left of babysitting today and then its ME time! YEAH!!

oops got to go...someone pooped! my computer time is over :ohwell:

PS: I realize this isnt fair to you either, you need some time too. So somehow you guys need to find a fair balance. And, even just him having an hour to himself would probably help. To just be in bedroom watching tv with no little interruptions.

CasperO

<<snip>>
re: that "deal breaker" thing, a woman married many years with a large family gave me some good advice, sometimes when you take a stand, not on something trivial, but on something crucial for your kids and your marriage, men just do not listen or take it seriously. Sometimes you just have to leave, not forever, but just for one or two nights.

Yeah,,, that's a great idea. Let's take a decent, non-violent guy who's dying inside because he can't provide for his family and is being justifiably cranky about it - and abandon him and take his family away. Great plan, very fair. To make it super extra fun,,, don't tell him if you and the kiddies are coming back,,, let him stew on that for a couple days. :grumble: :grumble: :grumble: Would that be your advice if I was on here pissin' & moaning about my wife? Maybe after the suicide you can find a nice metro who'll be happy watching soaps in an apron.

Men derive their sense of worth, their sense of identity and self esteem from what we do. You can write a master's thesis about how it's neanderthal, out of date, unnecessary, bad, WFE,,, but it is what it is. Just about any feller old enough to need a razor just don't feel like he's doing what he's s'posed to be doing unless he's going out there and slaying the dragon and bringing home the legal tender. It's how we're wired. And it's a damn good thing we are too. He feels powerless, trapped, less of a man. It's not his fault, and there's nothing he can do about it right now. It sux,,, in lotsa ways.

Get him back to work. As soon as the numbers work and his working is better for the family than his SAHD'ing, get him out there pounding nails and respecting himself again. That's what will do it, and it's the only thing that will do it. Been there, done that, no T'shirt.

Mellie13

I also don't agree with ultimatums, but that's not what I was writing about.
Another thing I thought about, is I think it's also important to have a weekly "date" even if it's just an hour and all you do is get coffee and talk. Also, it is important to note that anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that if we are angry or expressing anger there is always something else behind it (hurt, sadness, etc.). Sorry to get all "psychological" on you, I couldn't help it-it's not like I use my degree at work!!

BuffyKicksButt

Thanks everyone I truly appreciate the comments - I agree that I would never want to give him a dealbreaker ultimatum because I think we are stronger than that - my only dealbreakers are hitting or cheating and he is no where near doing anything that would make me leave. But he is my mate and when he is unhappy so am I - I think I need to keep up the encouragement and perhaps we can figure out a way to give him more time for his carpentry business. I think women are wired to handle the "homemaker" duties a little better then most men only because we were taught to do so. Times are changing and with change there is always struggle. I tell him that we are pioneers in parenting because we do things "backwards" according to society. Thanks again everyone I needed this encouragement

CasperO

,,,give him more time for his carpentry business.

Ya',,, do that. 'give him more time'.

Thanks for trying to undertand.

bethrs

Yeah. I've been on the other side of that. I'm in graduate school and sometimes I'm just not happy with the way life is right now. It's the best situation, but sometimes it still just sucks. I'm sure he feels much the same. Often I would be grumpy and short, but eventually I would learn to just say "I hate this situation" instead of being crappy to everyone around me, but it took a heck of a long time to do.

I don't have any awesome advice, but I think you are on the right track, you do what you have to until you can make it better. Hang in.

operator

I read most of the posts, but from a guy's perspective, let me just say you may be going about it all wrong. I work at a job that is commission only and the first 5 months of this year was rough...rough...rough. I felt so inadequate because I could not bring in any money. It was a real strain on my marriage and home life. We do not have any kids, just a dog and a cat but I was crabby...she was crabby....and it was tough. Hell there was one month that she had to pay the full mortgage. That was the first time EVER. Even when we were renting, I always paid ALL the rent and bills and she did the grocery shopping and other types of shopping. Women just do not understand how inadequate that makes a man feel. There are things that men do not understand about women and I know that there are times where a woman will say "He would never understand how I feel about a certain situation becuase he is a guy". Well the same thing goes for us....women have no idea how much of a loser a guy makes himself out to be if he can't support his family. LOOO---HOOO--SSER is all we think of ourselves.

So what I did during my rough time was try to make my wife happy by doing things for her. Although I worked and still work 10 hours a day, I would come home and make dinner, clean it up, rub her feet, and make her as happy as I could. Which, or course, in turn made me feel a little better about my part in our marriage......as a team you know? Even though I was down for the count (boxing term ladies) I still wanted her to know how much she meant to me. She was and is my everything and to see her work all day and me work all day and her STILL pay for everything just was heartwrenching....


So my advise is play up to his inadequacies. Make him feel like you still need him more than anything. Make him feel like he is being the best dad and husband in the world. Give him more than usual intmacy (SEX!) so he can feel loved and a part of something or part of the team again. Once you have made him feel useful again, he will begin to open up to you or you can start to open him up and delve into what the issue is.

I will tell you this..communicaiton is the key to this issue. He will not want to talk about it at first, or he will give you short answers. Talking about his inability to financially support his family is something that no man will want to talk about but if need be.....he would rather talk to his wife than a shrink...especially after a night of intamcy and togetherness......sooner or later he will open up and discuss it with his wife/partner.

Once that line of communication opens up, it will feel like a weight has been lifted from both of you. He will still feel less than a man because he is not "bringing home the bacon" but he will start to come out of it if you make him feel that he is Needed, Loved, and Supported

I don;t know ....maybe I'm wrong......it is just my 2 cents....

BuffyKicksButt

I agree he does seem to open up after some private time together Plus will relieve both our stress.....I like that idea the best so far

sngnyrslp

My feminist senses are tingling so much because of some of these comments, but I am going to be polite and not say anything!
To the OP, I hope some of us have been able to offer you a little help/advice/solace that will be effective!

operator

I agree he does seem to open up after some private time together Plus will relieve both our stress.....I like that idea the best so far

Well I am glad I could be of some help.....


Hopefully sngnyrslp's senses are not tingling because of "my" comments...

sherry_80

This sound simialr my husband was in the cabinet business and suddenly the economy hit and i had to go back to work.
He got used to self employment-his own boss. When he had to take care of the kids. He was no longer the boss. My kids can control the our enviromment- they always want outside time. they never wanted to do what he wanted, and he couldnt keep a schedule with them. He went back to work and its not what he wanted but he settled and he prefered work than stay at home dad.
the was a time when i was paying daycare while he stayed home to do nothing. He needs to talk to you about why he is angry, or who he is angry at. He needs to find out why he's unhappy. If you force him to therapy they might just give him pill and that's not the answer. I forced my husband to a therapist cause i could not stand him. and he got pills that didnt work. The pills make you dependant on them and my husband doesnt like to take pills.

sherry_80

My kids are full of energy , they are exhausting.