Other people's kids.
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »I've learned that some people take offence if you try to have an "Adults Only" gathering. Most of the time I am fine with people bringing their kids and such, but, if I don't want kids at a particular event, I don't invite those parents.
I had people go nuts one year when I threw a birthday bash for myself at my house that started at 9 PM at which I provided all the food and drink and had the nerve to say it was a 21+ event.
One set of friends got indignant about their children not being invited, took serious offense, and they quit talking to me.
Been there. I even had some issues with my own sister. She would bring her kids over, and then ignore them while she was partying. I got tired of being a babysitter at my own party. She stopped getting invites.2 -
assimilate221 wrote: »I speed through school zones.
On a motorcycle? Because that would be really awesome.1 -
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I think it's ok.0
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assimilate221 wrote: »I speed through school zones.
You need one of those "deer catcher" grills they put on pickup trucks.
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doesnt sound like you are real friends anyway. forgot about her1
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In my particular social circle, if we are going to each others' homes, kids are always included in the activity. If we're going out, kids usually go to grandma's or stay with dad or a babysitter. Nothing to be offended about. Like the guy who would stop speaking to a friend who asked him not to bring his kids - I don't get that. It's OK to detach from your kids once in a while and be an individual. And I like my friends' kids - well, except for the one that's a total brute and wild as hell.
And as far as the OP's outing goes, what the heck is the friend thinking wanting to bring an undisciplined 7 year old on a 5 hour round trip climb up a mountain with an adult friend? If OP's friend wants to suffer through that sort of thing on her own, that's great, but subjecting your friend to a near-certain epic melt-down (probably at a snail's pace with constant whining the whole way) is not cool. Sounds like the hell trip to me.
Some kids would do fine on that trip - but that still doesn't mean they have to be included in every activity. Don't parents want to get away and do things on their own sometimes?1 -
Maybe if you stress that this is a dangerous activity rather than you just not wanting the kid there. Just be like, well I think this might be a little dangerous for Jacob, why don't we scope it out during this visit? If it's safe, we can always come back another time with him.
I do not have kids, but if you would have told my mother there would be a possibility that I would get hurt, she would have left me home in a heartbeat. Even now at 28, she would probably stake out my house to keep me from going, lol.
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My summer camp had us climbing up steep mountains which took all day. The earliest allowable age to sign up for the climb was age 9. And that was with multiple adults supervising who were trained in mountain climbing, first aid, and wilderness expeditions. And it was all designed to accommodate the pace of elementary school aged kids.
Two city ladies and a bratty 7 year old boy climbing a mountain? Sounds like a Lifetime Network made-for-TV movie. Or an ABC Afterschool Special.
LOL!0 -
I don't think children should be allowed in public. Period.6
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There is no legitimate reason for her to be offended. You should just be honest. A child...especially one who is not well behaved...absolutely changes the dynamic. If you are going to drive 7 hours round trip to see her, you deserve having her full attention.
And I hike...even some of the moderate hikes I do would not be appropriate for young children either due to length or safety reasons. What happens when the child is tired an hour or two into it? Will you then be expected to turn around and go back with them? Or be forced to continue alone and have your friend be pissed off? What if the kid gets increasingly fussy as you go, necessitating the mother spending most of her effort to keep the child moving and not having a tantrum?
Honestly, she should be understanding...especially since it is clear she has child care options available to her. If you can't work this out, I would suggest picking a different activity. Perhaps a visit to her home...where the kid can do his thing without much supervision, leaving plenty of time for you and the mother to catch up.1 -
Do you think it's okay to tell a long term friend that you would prefer to catch up with them without their children?
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It depends. If it is difficult for them to leave their child (arranging child care, very young child, etc) and it is all day outing then maybe it isn't being very understanding to say no kids. If the tone is your kid is too annoying to be around then it could be offensive.
Since it happened and the person was bothered I guess the answer with that person was it did not go okay.
Seems like you want a kid free outing with her even if you don't hike but it wasn't stated up front?
Seems like she thought this would be okay/fun to do with her kid- or doesn't feel comfortable leaving him for 9 hrs or so that day.
Is it offense or more frustration and miscommunication?
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Depends on how you worded the rejection. If she thought all along this was a kids included activity then you were somewhat short when you indicated otherwise, I can see why she's upset. Had kid-free expectations been made early on, and in a polite manner, no there's no reason to be upset.0
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You can ask. What they do is entirely up to them.
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Nope. I don't hang out with people's kids unless it's discussed ahead of time. My sister is famous for inviting her children along last minute without an invite.
I get it that baby sitters are expensive but it was her choice to have kids. And it's the being purposefully deceptive that bothers me (and everyone apparently who has since excluded her from future activities).1 -
BusyRaeNOTBusty wrote: »Depends on how you worded the rejection. If she thought all along this was a kids included activity then you were somewhat short when you indicated otherwise, I can see why she's upset. Had kid-free expectations been made early on, and in a polite manner, no there's no reason to be upset.
I was taught not to assume that anyone else was included in an invitation. That means if someone invites me to do something, they invited me. Not me and my friend, not me and my SO, not me and a kid, not me and a dog.
When did it start being assumed that "I would like to <blank> with you." meant "and your children"?2 -
Ok so how about this - tell her you understand that she wants to spend time with her daughter, so it would be easier to do it on a week end when she's not with her, as you're worried that the climb would be too much for a kid (seriously, my 9yo would last 15 minutes tops, lol).
But yeah I really don't get this. Why in the world would it be a huge deal not to take her kid when she doesn't even have her kid every week end? Surely she goes out and does things when she is with her dad?2 -
assimilate221 wrote: »I speed through school zones.
why would somebody flag this?
oh... wait.
silly question
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Tell her this isnt the marines, you fall behind you get left behind.
Failing that embrace the kid company. Kids are easier to trick, catch and eat. That's vital in a survival situation.2 -
It wouldn't bother me at all. When I mentioned to my girlfriend that I was on my way to Walmart the other day, she said she had some things she needed to get and asked if she could come along. As soon as I said "Sure, but I've got one if the boys with me.", or something along those lines, she quickly said nevermind! I wasn't offended, I'd rather have been going alone, too!0
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"I'd like to spend some time with you but I don't think 7 hours of mountain climbing would be safe or enjoyable for a little kid. Maybe we could set something up later when s/he can stay with someone else." ??2
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I can't stand other people's kids. I can barely tolerate my own and they're 20 and 22 - well that's not true, I like the 22yo okay I guess. Only person I actually know with kids is my SIL and they are beasts. The 10yo has ADHD apparently and at family gatherings he'll sit at the table with all the adults with his ipad turned all the way up and taking food he's not going to eat and dropping it on the floor. His mother seems oblivious to it. I don't even think he has ADHD he just needs some damn discipline.
I think you need to get new friends.1 -
I'm actually frustrated by this myself.
(Whatever we do) I would be leaving my two kids (11 and 13) at home when I catch up with her.
Why would I want to leave my kids and hang out with her kid instead? And she's quite different when her son is there to. I love my friend dearly but I'm not a fan of her parenting style.
If I was visiting her house, sure the boy lives there and is her son. No problem.
I don't see why she should want to bring him when we make plans to do something together.
Not to mention, when my kids were little I never expected her or my other friends to put up with them when we made time to see each other.
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Yes. I have a friend I like to catch up with who always makes it so that we are getting together at her house, and her kids are always around. We're constantly being interrupted by the kids and can't talk about anything remotely adult. It's annoying.2
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