Sometimes I don't know why I'm pushing so hard. Losing 130+lbs solved nothing.
Geocitiesuser
Posts: 1,429 Member
Surely if I dress nicely, I won't be invisible?
Surely if I had a great job, I won't be invisible?
Surely if I was financially savvy, I won't be invisible?
Surely if I had interesting hobbies, I won't be invisible?
Surely if I was statistically in better shape than over 60% of the population, I won't be invisible?
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I read these story by guys how they lost weight and how suddenly they are james freakin bond. And I'm just like.... I might as well live in a bell tower. I've worked my *kitten* off at everything I've ever done in life, and almost always to great success because winning means not quitting and putting in the work.
I tell myself, "Well, I really want to improve my fighting in tae kwon do". That's nice, but if that was true I'd already be aiming for maintenance calories right now and not worried about the last 15lbs, I'd be more interested in performance.
I tell myself, "Well, it's personal responsibility to stay healthy". That's nice, but if I live an extra 10 years, I don't look forward to living them alone.
I tell myself, "Well, happiness comes from within, find enjoyment in your accomplishments". That's nice, but how much fun do you REALLY have going to a theme park by yourself? Travelling to a tourist spot yourself? Going out to dinner by yourself?
It seems I am constantly shamed and told I'm pathetic because, for many years now, all I really want is someone to spend the occasional fun times with. I have more platonic friends than I want. I'm not going to hold hands with my married buddy or have kids with them. I don't believe I've been socially programmed to want "the american dream" of a family, I believe it is instinctual. Especially at my age there are paternal instincts where I actually like hanging out with my friends' kids.
So, I sort of wince at all the hours I've spent on the elliptical. I shirk at how low my calories are some days.
I'm okay most of the time. Some of the time though, it feels like it's all crashing down.
Maybe I'm too old now. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know why I push so hard sometimes. I just do. This isn't the first time I've lost a lot of weight. I feel like my last chance at any sort of a chance at companionship means getting to single digit body fat and working on my body until it's nice enough that someone will actually look past whatever it is that makes me so repulsive. But more and more I see that's probably not going to work either.
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Surely if I rant on this forum, I won't be invisible?
Surely if I just keep working at it, I won't be invisible?
I'm just frustrated and miserable beyond belief. A broken shell. So much potential lost on the vain attempts to find approval from people who are uninterested.
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Replies
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Maybe that, then, is the problem - stop looking for approval.
Do it for yourself. 
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Cute puppy gif to help with the feelz?
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quiksylver296 wrote: »Cute puppy gif to help with the feelz?
Unless OP interprets that as how he is getting on in life... stuck.... rolling around going nowhere....
I hope not though!3 -
Ah, the darkness, I have dwelled in that realm, and know well its allure and horrors.3
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quiksylver296 wrote: »Cute puppy gif to help with the feelz?
I see your puppy, and raise you a shaman cat.
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I hear you. I was single until I was 31 and got married for the first time when i was 35. It did feel lonely. I decided to give up and just be alone and work on myself and that's when i list 55 pounds and was pretty happy. But, still alone. I get it. But, it will come along. I just try to tell myself all those years of waiting i was gearing up for THE ONE.... And he was so worth the wait. I got a good one! That's going to happen for you too. Being in shape, working hard at things, and having a great job is going to make some lady swoon one of these days! 9
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That was a dark, thought-out post, @Geocitiesuser , and it deserves a thought-out response. I'll message you in a day or so--it takes time for me to muster a good existential train of thought these days... it's mostly, "Rock big, tree pretty..."9
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I don't if this thread was created in jest or not.
Why do I ask this? Because you're asking if losing 130lbs was worth it? Are you f'ing kidding me?
Just for the health benefits alone, it's worth its weight in gold. You must be feeling better physically.
Now if you're feeling down and frustrated because you feel that you're not receiving the type of attention from the opposite sex, then trust me, it's in your head. However, if you're still feeling depressed and negative, then that vibe will definitely put people off. You need to find what (or who) is getting you down and flush it down the toilet.
Focus on positive people and positive activities and stuff in general that makes you happy. That will positively affect your personality and people in general will react to that.
Now, I just of another possibility. Maybe you're getting negative feedback from someone who is close to you, maybe family or friends. This isn't uncommon (I'm weren't through it). People sometimes resent it when someone puts forth the effort and dedication to better themselves. Maybe it's jealous or envy. Could be it reminds them that they continue to make bad choices in food and don't exercise.
Either way man. Let's just say, YES, it's definitely worth it.25 -
Happiness doesn't come with weightloss. Happiness comes from you, and no one can make you happy. You want a partner--there are alot of women that want that too. Perhaps you aren't looking in the right places, perhaps your biggest opportunity is right under your nose trying to get YOUR attention. Start to take a good look around you and see who's really there. Stop worrying about your inferiority complex. Try some new activities.6
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I'm 35 and single, have always been for the most part. 99.9% of the time I couldn't care less. I'm happy with me, both when I was obese and now I'm not. I like myself for the most part aware of the not so great bits.
People aren't attracted to people who don't like themselves.
In the words of the great philosopher Ru Paul - If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an amen up in here.44 -
It solved the problem of you being 130+ pounds overweight. 2
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You know it is like the many of the fables I have read, for example winning the lottery is it a blessing or curse? The answer is Maybe just like is being invisible or seaking perfection - a blessing or a curse? The answer maybe? I should not have to tell you why for it depends in many factors and new challenges that imerge once things are obtained.
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VintageFeline wrote: »I'm 35 and single, have always been for the most part. 99.9% of the time I couldn't care less. I'm happy with me, both when I was obese and now I'm not. I like myself for the most part aware of the not so great bits.
People aren't attracted to people who don't like themselves.
In the words of the great philosopher Ru Paul - If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an amen up in here.
I have always loved myself. Regardless of weight or situation. Just because you want to have a partner or had dreams of having a family, does not mean you do not love yourself. If my frustration is weakness, so be it, but not a day has ever gone by where I did not love myself. It's the unchangable situation I do not like. I do not have control over other people.1 -
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Geocitiesuser wrote: »So much potential lost on the vain attempts to find approval from people who are uninterested.
I know the feeling, man -- like you're in a party surrounded by people, and yet overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and cravings for donuts and Chik Fil-a sauce. At least, that's how my story goes.
Still ... what's awesome is that, you, along with the many others here, have achieved goals that many only dream about. For that, I think you're pretty awesome, @Geocitiesuser.
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pattytracking wrote: »It solved the problem of you being 130+ pounds overweight.
The silver lining. I'm much more nimble, much better stamina. I can jump, and kick, and jump kick, and I'm no longer in a heavyweight fighting class.
Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes there are things I wanted in life that it seems I will never have. Life could have turned out worse, and I appreciate what I do have. But the cherry on top would have been.... really nice.2 -
I'm trying my best to keep up with replies, but know you're all awesome, even if I don't reply directly.
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Welcome to life! Not sure how you expected this to be any different?Geocitiesuser wrote: »VintageFeline wrote: »I'm 35 and single, have always been for the most part. 99.9% of the time I couldn't care less. I'm happy with me, both when I was obese and now I'm not. I like myself for the most part aware of the not so great bits.
People aren't attracted to people who don't like themselves.
In the words of the great philosopher Ru Paul - If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an amen up in here.
I have always loved myself. Regardless of weight or situation. Just because you want to have a partner or had dreams of having a family, does not mean you do not love yourself. If my frustration is weakness, so be it, but not a day has ever gone by where I did not love myself. It's the unchangable situation I do not like. I do not have control over other people.
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The best advice I've ever heard on this topic is from Dan Savage.
"“I think the best thing for you to do is just live your life. Live a life that’s worth living, one where you do what you want to do, pursue your passions. That way, if you meet someone, they’ll be joining a life that’s already really good. And if you don’t meet anyone, you can still look back at the end and say, ‘You know what: I lived a really great life.’”
Also try your very best to avoid being bitter and growing toxic in resentment. We don't all get a partner in this life, even though we're told growing up that we will. We don't. And it can be sad, but it can also be wonderful. You get to choose which and how much of each.16 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »
Welcome to life! Not sure how you expected this to be any different?Geocitiesuser wrote: »VintageFeline wrote: »I'm 35 and single, have always been for the most part. 99.9% of the time I couldn't care less. I'm happy with me, both when I was obese and now I'm not. I like myself for the most part aware of the not so great bits.
People aren't attracted to people who don't like themselves.
In the words of the great philosopher Ru Paul - If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an amen up in here.
I have always loved myself. Regardless of weight or situation. Just because you want to have a partner or had dreams of having a family, does not mean you do not love yourself. If my frustration is weakness, so be it, but not a day has ever gone by where I did not love myself. It's the unchangable situation I do not like. I do not have control over other people.
Not sure I ever alluded to it being any different0 -
I'm sorry that you feel invisible but to be honest, when I read the thread title I intended to pass it by thinking it was a self-pity party or whatever. However, I recognized you from your other comments around the forum and recalled liking your posts so decided to give it a read. So, you AREN'T invisible.
Good advice has already been given and I think you're just feeling down, which is normal. Just keep doing what you're doing and life will take you where you're meant to be.6 -
OnthatStuff wrote: »Geocitiesuser wrote: »So much potential lost on the vain attempts to find approval from people who are uninterested.
I know the feeling, man -- like you're in a party surrounded by people, and yet overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and cravings for donuts and Chik Fil-a sauce. At least, that's how my story goes.
Still ... what's awesome is that, you, along with the many others here, have achieved goals that many only dream about. For that, I think you're pretty awesome, @Geocitiesuser.
Together? Like dipping the donuts in the sauce?
(Sorry for the hi-jack, but I had to ask.) 2 -
It's all in the attitude brother7
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I was once where you were, my friend. I thought many of the same thoughts, although I certainly didn't express them as eloquently.
Then one day Miss Right walked in, and everything changed. I had to grow a pair and call her. And I had to pursue her - it didn't come easily.
But it can and does happen. Take heart!10 -
I read the second part of the title, and thought what other things was 'losing 130+ pounds' supposed to do or fix other than lose 130+ pounds, make you healthier and add longevity to your life. ?
My take, is being invisible can happen fat or skinny or in between. You can certainly be and feel invisible in a crowded room almost anywhere you go, because that's your mindset.
Refocus your efforts now into making strides for better emotional and mental health and climb out any darkness you may still live in. So you worked on weight first, now work on the inside, everyday is an opportunity to keep making better version of ourselves.1 -
What actions are you taking to get what you actually want?
- Are you actively working on your conversation skills?
- Are you signed up for websites that could put you in contact with possible mates? Going to singles events? Asking your friends for setups?
- Are you working on being happy with who you are so you can also find happiness with who you meet?
- Are you taking chances on people you meet in person - asking the other out, or trying to find common interests?
Love doesn't just fall into our laps. If you want it, you have to work to find it, like anything else. And you have to identify when you're not finding it. And you have to know WHY you're not finding it. Are you looking in the right spots? Are you looking for the right people? Are your standards so high no one could ever live up? Are you making time to achieve your goals (or are you spending all your time alone in a gym not meeting anyone)? Do you ACTUALLY want what you think you want or are you just convincing yourself you want it even though you don't (I have a friend in this situation. She is unwilling to change anything about her life, a life that has no time for a significant other and yet she *thinks* she wants to find someone because he sister has told her she needs someone).
Losing weight doesn't help you achieve your goals if you're not doing anything else to get yourself to them. If you think it's an unchangeable situation, it IS. But you're the one making it so.5 -
I think you had an earlier post lamenting excess skin related to weight loss and how this and other elements prevent you from building a relationship with the type of woman that you are attracted to.
To this I say:
1. Are you so picky that you are turning away potential partners? I never expected to end up with my husband. He wasn't my type in many different ways. But when he approached me, I figured I'd give it a go and be open minded. I'm so thankful that I did. Now, I'm not saying you should go out with people that you have no connection with or or she flat out not attracted to, but sometimes small details that seem like a deal breakers are really just excuses that we give ourselves to not put ourselves out there.
2. Are you actively pursuing women that you are interested in? There may be someone out there who would be interested in you, but isn't aware that you are also interested in them. It's sort of a gradeschool concept, but I find that holds true in adulthood. Often we don't pursue someone because we don't think they're interested in us and they do exactly the same thing -- which Just ends in a missed opportunity.
3. Are your concerns about how you look and/or your physical ability causing you to come across negatively? For instance, are you coming off as insecure, standoffish, or disinterested? As many others have already mentioned, confidence is attractive. focus on your positive attributes and do things that make you feel good about yourself.
4. Are you looking in the right places? Are you going to locations where similarly-minded individuals socialize? Are you frequenting places with other singles? It can be easy to fall into the trap of hanging out with couples, which limits your ability to meet other singles.
This is clearly a very important goal and desire for you. I think it is one that you will be able to satisfy if you approach it with the same determination that you use in your fitness etc.
Chin up, suit up and get out there.10 -
I'm sorry you feel this way! You've worked hard and achieved great results, and I can understand that it would be nice to have someone to share that with - the "cherry on top", as you put it.
I really like @newmeadow 's advice. Think hard about what kind of women you could see yourself spending your life with - draw up a sort of checklist of the qualities and attributes you value - and then figure out how to meet women like that. It might take some time, but it could give you the result you want so don't feel that it would be a waste of time to date several different women. If nothing else, you might end up with a few new friends or new hobbies/activities even if no romance develops.
You could try dating sites and so on too, if that appeals to you. We were much younger, but my hubby and I met on a blind date after I responded to his personal ad in a magazine. That was nearly 30 years ago, but I'm sure the modern versions of those ads can work too. And yes, ask your friends! I'm sure they'd like to see you happy in that area of your life, and if they can have a hand in introducing you to Miss Right they'll feel good about themselves too.
I wish you luck in finding what you want, and I hope you do find it... but as someone else said, make your life as good as you can while you wait, in case love doesn't happen.1 -
Hey don't give up yet. You seem to be quick witted and have a good sense of humor. You've proven you can set a goal and stick with it. Find someone you can have fun with. Maybe someone who isn't perfect. As an old married lady I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my years of experience. I know alot of single guys who never met "the one" because they thought she should be a perfect 10. Many women like that expect the guy to be like a male model with the money of Donald Trump. Very few human beings can live up to that standard. Find someone who is kind and loving and likes the things you do. Go out see how it works. As a guy it sucks that you have to always be the one that asks but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Congrats on your awesome loss by the way. Great job!2
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