Am I being irrational?

squiguk

Hi all, I was wondering if you could give me your opinions. I am trying to lose weight but i struggle to control my snacking. i exercise 4/5 times a week and have 3 healthy meals a day but i ruin it with bad snacks. i have lost about a stone and a half over the last couple of years, mainly due to being with my boyfriend who is really healthy, he eats healithy and plays loads of sport and i guess my change in lifestyle has rubbed off on me.

anyway last night he said to me 'have you put on weight since your brother's wedding?' (it was in june)

i was a bit shocked as yes, i have done and my reaction was to say 'if you have to ask that question, the answer is clearly 'yes' so the only reason you would ask that is to make me feel bad'

he went on to explain that wasn't what he meant, he said he wanted us to have a discussion about it because i always say i want to lose weight but every time he says anything i get annoyed with him. he said that if we talk about it, he can help me and he said that i seem really unhappy and if i can't do it on my own i should turn to him for support.

basically i know he is right. everytime he says 'what have you done today?' i get really angry like he is checking up on me. and yet I'm the one who moans about not losing weight so in his logical man-mind he is just trying to encourage me.

the conversation was basically left when he said 'if you never want me to bring up anything about healthy eating or exercise again, i'll never mention it but if you want my help we can come up with other ways' so naturally i went to bed ignoring him and this morning was awkward as well as i just still feel really upset.

he is not a nasty person and i know he is just trying to help me but i dont want him to turn into a personal trainer and me to get mad with him when he tries to help me. i don't know what to do. if i keep sabotaging my diet with bad snacks does this mean i dont really want to lose weight? or just that i need help?

sorry for the long post i just don't really know who to talk to!

Alatariel75

How about you decide if you want his help or not and either accept the offer, or say no and take him up on his offer to never bring it up again?

You admit you moan about not losing, he sounds like he's being really sweet and tactful. Read some of the thread about partners being *kitten* about their lady's weight.

Your feeling guilty and defensive because you feel like you're failing. So you're taking offence to things that contain none. Maybe say you'd love if he was open to giving you advice and encouragement, but that you can be touchy about it, so he has to take his cues from you.

But yeah, the cold shoulder and anger was irrational, and comes because he it a nerve.

darvin1023

1. the short answer: YES! You're being irrational.

Long answer:
2. You're just acting like a drama queen diva, and making something out of nothing. You know every well he was just trying to help. You said so yourself.

3. Like Alantariel75 said. Decide if you want help or not.
Be strait forward with him. If you do not want this help, tell him: "NO! I do not want your help about my health and fitness!" and it will be the end of that drama. It's okay if you want a different person/trainer to help your health. Tell him about it. You won't hurt his feelings. He's a guy. He responds well to strait-forward answers.

4. You're 29 years old. Stop acting like a high school girl that doesn't know what she wants. You know very well what you want, what your flaws are, what your problems are, and what you can do to solve it. So, why act like you have no control over the issue?

squiguk

Thank you for your post, I agree with everything you have said. I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking, I am trying and for him to just point out that I have gained weight makes me feel like he doesn't acknowledge all the hard work I've put in previously.

Which is actually a separate issue from him wanting to help me out. I just need to figure out if I do want it or if I'm just going to be annoyed all the time which isnt fair on either of us.

Thanks again x

MissSusieQ

yes, you're being irrational.

he tried to have a conversation with you in what sounds like a kind but direct way, and he based it on what you've been telling him you want.

in response, he got you carrying on like a child.

grow up, have a good hard think about what you want from him, then tell him (honestly) what you want from him, then walk the walk.

mookybargirl

Reading your post, I think you know maybe a litle bit irrational....lol

Let's face it, a man to even enter into hthe no mans land of talking about a woman's weight is asking for all sorts of trouble and the way you've written it suggests nothing but helpful and supportive. To be fair, he probably knew how the conversation would end as it;s such a personal thing. I do think he wants to help without judgement so take him up on it.

My husband and I are changing our lifes together and it's great that we're in it together supporting each other, planning meals etc etc.

PS - I love snacks and have 1-2 a day, but I work them into my calories :flowerforyou:

darkguardian419

TL;DR

From what I skimmed over... guys are pretty dense when it comes to the feeling, emotional crap.

You are more than likely being irrational, it's a side-effect of operating on emotion rather than logic.

deksgrl

Men want to fix things. I think he was really cares and is trying to be helpful in something that is important to you. That is really a great thing that should be appreciated. Take advantage of it!

HelloDan

Thank you for your post, I agree with everything you have said. I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking, I am trying and for him to just point out that I have gained weight makes me feel like he doesn't acknowledge all the hard work I've put in previously.

Maybe it's a guy thing, but really hard work without results is at best just being inefficient, and at worst a waste of time.

I'm not saying that to be mean, but as a guy, maybe I view it differently, which may be what your boyfriend is seeing. If I train hard in the gym and don't get stronger and\or better at my sport, to me, ultimately it's been a pointless exercise. I could have spent that time doing something else that makes me better at what I do.

TavistockToad

1. the short answer: YES! You're being irrational.

Long answer:
2. You're just acting like a drama queen diva, and making something out of nothing. You know every well he was just trying to help. You said so yourself.

3. Like Alantariel75 said. Decide if you want help or not.
Be strait forward with him. If you do not want this help, tell him: "NO! I do not want your help about my health and fitness!" and it will be the end of that drama. It's okay if you want a different person/trainer to help your health. Tell him about it. You won't hurt his feelings. He's a guy. He responds well to strait-forward answers.

4. You're 29 years old. Stop acting like a high school girl that doesn't know what she wants. You know very well what you want, what your flaws are, what your problems are, and what you can do to solve it. So, why act like you have no control over the issue?

all of this!!

sijomial

Yes - irrational.

Men tend to deal in facts not emotions (sweeping generalisation alert!!!) - so I will translate for you....

When he said "have you put on weight?" what he is really asking is "have you put on weight?"
What he was NOT saying is "you are ugly / unattractive / look like a porker / I really fancy your sister / let's have a fight" (delete as appropriate/inappropriate).

The exception to this is when a man says "nice dress" he really means "nice cleavage".

MissSusieQ

off topic, but darkguardian4, it took me a second, but once i got it, i laughed so hard at your profile pic that i think i peed a little

TavistockToad

The exception to this is when a man says "nice dress" he really means "nice cleavage".

or 'nice bum' i could be wearing a binbag, but if its tight across my bum my husband always tells me how nice i look!!!

freemystery

Why does it have to be him vs you?

What if you take him up on his offer to help, he's just calling you out on your BS and perhaps that's what you need though it's not what you want.

If you expect him to keep listening to you go on about your weight, you must expect a conversation like this to happen. Don't snap at him, you come across like an impertinent child when we can see the full picture which is that you're using that as a defensive weapon to get him to keep a distance. Just have a conversation. Say you do want to lose weight but you don't want to feel policed and the consequence is that when he asks innocent questions like "what did you do today", you're taking it personally and loading it with all those insecurities you have. Ask him if he means it in this way. And if he says no, he was just asking ACCEPT IT.

You say he hasn't given you credit for whatever in the last few years, that's probably because he's not your keeper. Is he hearing these messages from you "I'm so glad I'm not at the weight I was two years ago..." or is he hearing "ARGH I'M SO FAT, I can't control myself, why am I like this?!" because if it's the latter, that's a pretty good clue as to why he feels like he wants to help you.

Maybe just strip back all the defensiveness and face the slightly uncomfortable truths that may not be neat and tidy and easy to compartmentalise. You may feel vulnerable but he doesn't deserve to bear the brunt of your internal conflicts just because he's trying to help.

Hendrix7

lol pretty much sums up relationships for us male folks

Don't offer help - You get mad we didn't try to help

Offer help - Get mad anyway.

We are all used to it by now!

lauren3101

His ultimate concern is going to be your happiness. I can imagine for any man (my other half for certain) it is very difficult and frustrating having to listen to their partner moan about their weight and how ugly they think they are one minute, then watch them shove a kebab in their face the next.

Yes, you are being irrational. He is trying to support you; either accept that support gratefully and let him help or tell him you want to do it alone.

kelsx033

I can understand your frustration to somewhat of an extent...I've gained then lost then gained again. It's an extremely long, frustrating process that takes awhile. The fact that your BF points out you gaining weight can't be helping. However, sometimes all it takes is someone to point us back on the right path when we have slowly gone off.. he's definitely just trying to help, but as women we are always oversensitive. My boyfriend has been extremely supportive through my journey, but he's now starting to tell me "you're too small" which is extremely difficult to hear since I've worked so hard to get where I am. But, at the end of the day, it's MY body and I WILL lose the last 5 pounds regardless of his opinions about it.

yellowmirror

ok so I'm probably in the minority (I read the first few responses). I am in my 40s and I would have felt the same way you did.

My husband and I have been married 15 years. I have gained/lost/gained lost... he was always naturally thin and tall.. I have complained about my weight to him.. he says "I love you the way you are". He says this to me no matter how high or low my weight has been. He would NEVER EVER ask if I've gained weight. Why? Because he knows I am self conscious about that. I have an eating disorder, I am an emotional eater. So... Think about it.... what if he had thinning hair and he was self-conscious about that... then suddenly you said "hey babe, did you lose more hair since the spring?".. would anyone think this would make him feel good about himself? Prob not.. I know, weight vs hair.. different thing.. but just trying to make a comparison. To me it's hurtful.. but then again maybe I'm just a big baby. :-P

CatAMcC

read your post you just written - imagine its someone else - how would you answer??

You have answered within your own post.

I wouldn't say irrational but unfair yes. My bf and I are like that to each other but we always say and emphasise its said and acted in love. In face I got an email half hour ago from him saying thanks for all your support. Last night we were egging each other on in gym - then today he says was best session ever.

ShaunaMcMac

haha, the answer is yes, but I completely understand. Honestly, give it a few days and re-read this post and you will see how sensitive you are being.

Your bf sounds like a nice guy and is probably only looking to help. If you can't handle taking advice from him then don't, find someone else to lean on, or just lean on yourself. I find it hard to take advice from my husband or father (it's some kind of weird feminist power differential thing, I hate asking men close to me for advice... it's weird and I know I shouldn't feel that way.. but I do).

anyhoo, good luck

CatAMcC

ok so I'm probably in the minority (I read the first few responses). I am in my 40s and I would have felt the same way you did.

My husband and I have been married 15 years. I have gained/lost/gained lost... he was always naturally thin and tall.. I have complained about my weight to him.. he says "I love you the way you are". He says this to me no matter how high or low my weight has been. He would NEVER EVER ask if I've gained weight. Why? Because he knows I am self conscious about that. I have an eating disorder, I am an emotional eater. So... Think about it.... what if he had thinning hair and he was self-conscious about that... then suddenly you said "hey babe, did you lose more hair since the spring?".. would anyone think this would make him feel good about himself? Prob not.. I know, weight vs hair.. different thing.. but just trying to make a comparison. To me it's hurtful.. but then again maybe I'm just a big baby. :-P

But the OP said he knows that she wants to and trying to lose weight so I don't think its in hurt. I love my bf and have this to share now. I can tell him how he looks - where i think changes in his body shape have been made. He always telling me i lose a lot of fat off back and now all muscle. I could take that as 'oh only lost there' or a compliment about my efforts paying off and in an area of my body I can't see or notice but he always does as he gives me back rubs.