How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?

shank3r
shank3r Posts: 13 Member
edited November 18 in Motivation and Support
Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage. I've said things that I can't take back but it has been about a year since I've said ANYTHING to her in regards to her physical condition and I'm afraid it's to the point where she either begins her journey or the the both of us and our son(7) have to accept the situation somehow. My sister pulled me aside and told me that the topic of her weight should be off limits as far as me talking to her, but it's my wife's health that I'm worried about, she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more.

The last few years have been especially difficult, I got layed off from a GREAT job and even though I'm making more $ now, the job is difficult (oil field), I'm gone 2 weeks at a time, and she's working full time as a nurse to support the family with insurance and good pay as well. In the last 4 years we've gone thru countless miscarriages and even the doctor has suggested to her to loose weight. The emotional toll of the both of our struggle with our weight is undeniable, but it's hard to talk about it anymore as nothing seems to really ever change.

Our child is growing up to be an EXTREMELY active kiddo and I'm so proud of him, he'd rather ride his bike, go to the ranch, beach, or pretty much do anything other than watch TV or play video games, so I consider that a success. But in the case of my wife, she's regressed to the couch and watching TV when she's at home.

I'm noticing that our kid wants nothing more than to play with her, but it's to the point where her weight is limited what she's capable of doing and I can see that she hurts when she does try to keep up with him and at 7 he's realizing that she's not physically capable of doing a lot of things he wants her to do with him. This in turn hurts me and makes me frustrated at the same time, but I've been keeping silent to avoid saying something hurtful. She recognizes it too.

We've both battled with weight issues, before our child was born we both lost a bunch of weight, I've been yo-yo'ing since he was born and she's been steady gaining. I bought her a bike (a REALLY nice one) modified it to make it as comfortable as possible, which it now sits in the garage; I bought her a SOL elliptical (did a lot of research and spent a lot of $ on an upper tier one) which now collects dust in the dining room.

I'm really at the end of the rope. She recognizes that her size limits her, and I think it stresses her out, but I have to figure something else out soon. It breaks my heart seeing what's happening. Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.

She used to go for exercise walks and knock out 3-4 miles/day and along with eating normal portions, she was able to loose a good chunck of weight and kept it off for years, but the last 3-4 years has seen a slow & steady increase. I've noticed that she doesn't eat a lot of food unless she's cramming it down at work which I don't think she does as there are no fast-food charges on the debit card from lunches. I created her an MFP account, put the app on her iPad and I've shown her how to use it and she see's me logging everything I eat and I'm sure recognizes that it's easy. I do all the cooking when I'm home and she enjoy's eating healthy meals (or seems to), but i'm sure that because of her sedentary lifestyle, her metabolism has taken a nose dive.

I have to do something to force some changes soon. Before she got pregnant, she used phentermine (prescribed by our Doc) for 3-4 months to kickstart healthy changes, weaned herself off of it, but continued to eat right and exercise 3-4 days/week. Should I suggest to her to talk to the Doc about getting back on phentermine?

I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave a loving letter to her where she'll find it after I've left for work, explaining my pain and frustration and begging her to find motivation for her family.

Please help, I've found my motivation in my son, I want to be there for him and very active with him, but leaving my wife at home while we go do things such as a simple bike ride to a nearby park and back is heart wrenching.

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Replies

  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
    It is possible she is depressed as the previous poster mentioned or it could simply be she's just struggling with her weight and really doesn't know how to get a handle on things. I gained a lot of weight before I finally decided to really do something about it. Partly because the whole thing seemed so overwhelming and partly because I was just lazy and wasn't really ready to do anything about it.

    You can't force her to do anything.

    I would talk to her about things and I would be honest. I would tell her I'm concerned, I would point out my reasons for being concerned, and I would listen (can't stress this part enough) to her when she responds. Does she want to do something about the weight? Is she just finding the whole thing overwhelming? Is she depressed?

    And after that conversation I would leave it alone. You can't make your spouse lose weight or be healthy. You can only control yourself.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    edited May 2017
    mom23mangos wrote: »
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    Reading your post, I'd almost say she has some form of depression. I was a nurse who worked full time with active kids at home and a husband that was deployed overseas for a year. I also retreated to the couch and eventually ended up on medication. I don't mean to play internet doctor, but before you give her the Dear John letter I'd see if maybe she's depressed.

    I had the same thought. She went through multiple miscarriages. Most women don't snap out of that easily. Add to that the stress of you losing your job and her being a single parent half 2/3rds of the time on top of a stressful job...sounds like a fantastic recipe for depression. I would gently ask her how she is doing. Have a loving conversation with her. Not about her weight, but about her mental health. Ask her if she would like to see a Dr. or a therapist if she indicates she is struggling.

    Agreed. Not to mention that miscarriages can cause hormonal imbalances that affect both mood and weight too. And loneliness could be a factor too. As can lack of intimacy in a marriage (it could be making her feel worse, plus she is missing out on some feel good hormones that are released during those activities).
    I assume you work 2 and 1 rotations?
  • allyphoe
    allyphoe Posts: 618 Member
    shank3r wrote: »
    I'm afraid it's to the point where she either begins her journey or the the both of us and our son(7) have to accept the situation somehow.

    So accept the situation. No one can change your wife but your wife.

    Agree with the people who suggest this is a mental health issue.
  • monicaamy902
    monicaamy902 Posts: 55 Member
    Ugh, this is so tough! I feel for you both. I agree with everyone that she sounds depressed. I agree with you that you need to express your feelings to her, but ALWAYS in a loving way. We women are emotional and when it comes to our weigh, it's very touchy. But you obviously love her and care about her well being. As with text messages, letters may not be able to portray the empathy and love the way you want it to come out. I would suggest jotting down some points about what you want to say to her, that you love her and are worried about her, you just want her to be happy, you miss her, you need her in you and your sons life. If you want to bring up the weight issue, which it may not be the right time for, I would suggest blaming it on yourself, ie. that you are worried about your weight and you need her help, maybe she can go on a walk after dinner each night with you and your son (when you are home) because you need the motivation from her. Exercise will help with the depression. I would definitely suggest professional help, but you may want to look into natural alternatives as well (I am all about those).

    I lived with a depressed husband for years who was overweight and couldn't get out of it and couldn't get motivated to do anything about it. I know how tough, frustrating, sad and hard it can be. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope it all works out for you!
  • shank3r
    shank3r Posts: 13 Member
    Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.

    For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.

    I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.

    I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.

  • shank3r
    shank3r Posts: 13 Member
    VeryKatie wrote: »
    mom23mangos wrote: »
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    Reading your post, I'd almost say she has some form of depression. I was a nurse who worked full time with active kids at home and a husband that was deployed overseas for a year. I also retreated to the couch and eventually ended up on medication. I don't mean to play internet doctor, but before you give her the Dear John letter I'd see if maybe she's depressed.

    I had the same thought. She went through multiple miscarriages. Most women don't snap out of that easily. Add to that the stress of you losing your job and her being a single parent half 2/3rds of the time on top of a stressful job...sounds like a fantastic recipe for depression. I would gently ask her how she is doing. Have a loving conversation with her. Not about her weight, but about her mental health. Ask her if she would like to see a Dr. or a therapist if she indicates she is struggling.

    Agreed. Not to mention that miscarriages can cause hormonal imbalances that affect both mood and weight too. And loneliness could be a factor too. As can lack of intimacy in a marriage (it could be making her feel worse, plus she is missing out on some feel good hormones that are released during those activities).
    I assume you work 2 and 1 rotations?

    I'm working 14/14 (I'm a mud engineer)

  • MiaisMIAinMiami
    MiaisMIAinMiami Posts: 196 Member
    I don't know that what I'm going to say adds much to the conversation, except that perhaps being in an echo chamber can be helpful. The place to begin is with having a genuine open and caring, judgment-free conversation about her mental health. If she's hurting psychologically, she's probably not going to have that "come to God" moment where she realizes she's physically unhealthy and needs to change. Once that's addressed, you can begin making *SMALL* steps toward a more active lifestyle. Don't expect her to become super active overnight, but you can do little things, like walks together as a family when you're home and trips to the beach where you rent those multi-person bicycles on the boardwalk (that might be an East Coast thing come to think of it) or go snorkeling. Helping her make small changes will make the task much less daunting. All the best.
  • monicaamy902
    monicaamy902 Posts: 55 Member
    If she's a member of the site and also sees him using the site constantly while he's logging his food, it's actually very likely that she will read this thread.

    [/quote]

    If she is even on MFP. I wouldn't care that my husband was logging food on a site or an app. It took me years to even start using my Instagram account that I had. When I first started using MFP years ago, I didn't go on the community forums. So what if he asks for help. Even if she saw it, we don't know who she is or he is and he's asking for help, admitting he's wrong.
  • bambishealth
    bambishealth Posts: 134 Member
    If she's a member of the site and also sees him using the site constantly while he's logging his food, it's actually very likely that she will read this thread.

    Maybe that will give her the motivation to begin her journey again if she does see it! She may realize her husband does not want to hurt her by mentioning her weight, but wants to know how to help her otherwise.



  • armchairherpetologist
    armchairherpetologist Posts: 69 Member
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI).

    I think it's a little presumptuous to jump to abuse.

    And what if it is affecting his attraction to her? He's supposed to lie and say it's isn't?
  • mom22dogs
    mom22dogs Posts: 470 Member
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI). And why is 10lbs mentioned? Did she gain like 100lbs or like 10-20lbs which is way different...

    That's really jumping to conclusions.
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