How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?
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I didn't want to throw my wife's weight number out there out of respect for her, to be honest I don't even know the actual # anymore, nor does it even matter.
I take fault for where we're at (the both of us) due to things I've said in frustration. I've repented (which the real meaning is to permanently change).
My weight loss journey has taken me from 365lbs to 220lbs, then back up to 295lbs, back down to 230lbs, then back up to 295lbs again, and now I'm headed back down and in the low 270's. (I also used phentermine the first time I lost a bunch of weight).
Neither of us were "thin" when we met in college, but by the time we got married we had both gone from "overweight" to "fat"...I've never stopped loving her or loved her less, but now she's to the point where her size is affecting daily activities.
I'm to the point where I miss things such as sitting together on the couch, there's just no comfortable way to do it anymore without being uncomfortable. I miss her more than anything, I miss doing things with her, I miss cuddling, and sometimes I let these things I miss allow me to get frustrated or mad, which is why I've had to keep my mouth shut, to prevent repeating mistakes.
After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.
(I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)
Of course I will. but ok if she was over 300lbs I could see it. Is she ABLE to walk? And just not motivated? or is it literally difficult Im talking her knees might give out etc? If she is depressed maybe find something you know she used to love to do that isnt too much physical effort and start with that. That might perk her up enough to also get her interested in more physical things after. When depressed you often need to come out of it somehow first and remember what it's like to be happy and enjoy life.2 -
Sir, you have an account with myfitnesspal for a reason, and it's not marital counseling. Like you I have a wife who is badly out of shape. Mine is on a depression med and stays in bed most of the day. I started on mfp January 25, 2016 and lost way past 80 lb before she ever made a first tentative step in the same direction, and that was to take off her shoes and step on our scale for her body fat % reading. I had just done mine, and was happy to be under 20%. She did hers, and was shocked to see that she was at 50%. Since then she's tried to eat more of the good stuff and less of the not particularly useful stuff, and she's taken to doing some exercising with me. It's been a slow thing, but she's told me recently that she's just about ready to get an mfp account and get serious about it. I'm telling you this because you have to lead from the front. Use mfp to log your food and you show results in your health. Brag about it to her. Let her see the difference 2 weeks of your progress makes, and I quite a bit do believe that she will decide that if you can do it, she can, too.13
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YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
This is a great reply.3 -
So what if attraction does play a part in it? Attraction is a big part of a relationship. OP has a 7 year old kid with his wife, so I assume they're at a point in their relationship where they should still be attracted to each other, should be intimate and have energy to play with their child. If she's not capable of putting effort and energy into a relationship then she isn't being the kind of partner that's cut out for a long term marriage. You could say the same thing about OP I guess for not "accepting her as she is", but there does come a point where enough is enough and love isn't enough to get you through it when your partner clearly doesn't care about bettering themselves. And gaining so much weight that you suffer from poor hygiene and no energy isn't something your partner should have to just keep quiet about. That's asking him to sacrifice too much of his own happiness to spare her feelings. She's an adult.
OP the comments about her mental health are right, she most likely has depression and needs to get in a better place emotionally before she can lose weight. Her weight and problems with you most likely plays a part in her depression as well. Marriage counseling could be helpful. They'll usually point out mistakes from both sides, and ways they can change. If she's getting professional help and attempting to make a change, be there for her, support her and show that you appreciate the effort she's making. If she doesn't take any steps in the right direction and continues with the laziness and weight gain, you may just have to do what's best for yourself and your happiness.4 -
After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.
(I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)
I've been a yo-yo dieter, and then steadily gained...I've never not been overweight. The first time I really started losing weight was after I moved, got a new job, and overall a new life style. I never realized how depressed I was until I was completely removed my old situation. It does sound like a bigger problem (that she may or may not even recognize). I hope she finds friends and support, my heart goes out to you both! When life feels better, it will be so much easier to make healthy progress.0 -
YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
I second this. It sounds like the two of you do not communicate well. In a marriage, that's often a recipe for disaster.5 -
Don't know a way you can approach it that wouldn't be hurtful. Guess you can try to get her more invloved in an active hobby the whole family can enjoy and it might get things going.
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I think you should give your wife one less thing to feel sad about and just adore her. Is that not what you would want?8
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So what if attraction does play a part in it? Attraction is a big part of a relationship. OP has a 7 year old kid with his wife, so I assume they're at a point in their relationship where they should still be attracted to each other, should be intimate and have energy to play with their child. If she's not capable of putting effort and energy into a relationship then she isn't being the kind of partner that's cut out for a long term marriage. You could say the same thing about OP I guess for not "accepting her as she is", but there does come a point where enough is enough and love isn't enough to get you through it when your partner clearly doesn't care about bettering themselves. And gaining so much weight that you suffer from poor hygiene and no energy isn't something your partner should have to just keep quiet about. That's asking him to sacrifice too much of his own happiness to spare her feelings. She's an adult.
OP the comments about her mental health are right, she most likely has depression and needs to get in a better place emotionally before she can lose weight. Her weight and problems with you most likely plays a part in her depression as well. Marriage counseling could be helpful. They'll usually point out mistakes from both sides, and ways they can change. If she's getting professional help and attempting to make a change, be there for her, support her and show that you appreciate the effort she's making. If she doesn't take any steps in the right direction and continues with the laziness and weight gain, you may just have to do what's best for yourself and your happiness.
No one said he shouldn't say something. But there is a difference between letting someone know they gained weight and saying "You're fat now". The f words seems to bother people a lot more than the word overweight or something else similar. He says he doesn't do that now so that's good but still there are kind ways to say things like that while still being honest.1 -
Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband0 -
lol wish it worked the other way!0
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Yes give her a cookie if she's good. If bad no cookie.2
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YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
Exactly this.3 -
I would concentrate on everything but her weight . Ask her how she is what she needs what would make her happy. Remember the good times and take her out on dates and do things you guys used to both enjoy. Leave her love notes . Hold her hand .You have to understand that your job is very demanding and so is her job on top of that motherhood is not easy and she seems to be without you for chunks out of time add the grief of miscarriages plus the hormones that come with it (sigh ) I would be depressed too
. If you truly love her you need to nurse her heart and mind first ... then the rest should follow. Good luck to you both. 9 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband
That's actually considered abuse. Information via studying psychology... I'd leave if my BF did that. If she's depressed, been through miscarriages etc, he should be patient and supportive and try to help her. Positive reinforcement makes more sense.2 -
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Ironandwine69 wrote: »
See this makes a lot more sense. Or spin the sex thing around and be *more* intimate the more she tries. That would work for me lol1 -
If seeing her not losing weight is enough to make you regain 30lbs through depression, how do you expect her to lose her weight, despite her depression, which might be caused by the combination of a stressful job, parenting alone for long periods and recovering from multiple miscarriages?9
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When I was with my ex, I can see in hindsight that I turned to food emotionally and overate myself to 220 because food tastes good, and eating a lot is easy, especially when other areas of your life aren't that great.
You mentioned you weren't proud of some things you said to her with respect to her weight and appearance (and I'm not judging just offering some perspective) perhaps that's "too much" water under the bridge for her. I know I would be incredibly hurt if my s/o spoke to me disrespectfully about something I'm probably very self conscious about, yet feel powerless over.
I would see a marriage counselor before attempting to make any lifestyle recommendations/encouragement. When you FEEL good, you want to do things that continue to make you feel good... I believe that starts in your head and in all aspects of your life.
Good luck OP5 -
YvetteK2015 wrote: »TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.
I have tried to refrain from commenting here because this hits too close to home. OP, I have been in your wife's shoes, I have heard things from my husband that stung (while accurate), I have also had miscarriages (no living children) and I know exactly what it is like to be on the "other" side of this scenario.
The advice given above.....it saved me and also improved my marriage dramatically. We spoke to a therapist as a couple and I see a therapist individually. It is what helped turn things around for me. My husband is now super supportive in a way that makes me feel special, he encourages me, he is loving, he understands what I need from him and vice versa and he understands where I was when I was at my lowest. Luckily, he stuck it out long enough for me to save myself. Now, we are super happy and we can have the "difficult" conversations with ease.
So, my only advice here is couple's counseling and hopefully your wife will also recognize her need for some individual counseling too.
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She probably has some resentment towards you for how you have approached it in the past. Rightly so. Numerous miscarriages would depress anyone. You basically blame her for anytime you fall off the wagon. I'm sure if she stumbled across this forum and saw her lovely husband blasting her health,ability to be a mother, state of mind and sex hygiene to a bunch of strangers... yeah that's love!7
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Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
Just a thought... you should know what meds she is taking, sensitive issue or not. If there is an emergency and she is in the hospital and unable to tell the doctors what she is taking, you need to be able to inform them before a bad situation gets worse.16 -
Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
When I am feeling fat, and bad about myself, someone else losing weight is just more depressing to me. Make sure she knows you love her. Find her love language and use it a lot. Tell her she is the most beautiful person in the world to you no matter she looks like. She needs to know that no matter what she is going through, you will be there. Show her that you are genuinely concerned about her well being. When she is absolutely sure of your affection, you can add things like how she means the world to you and if anything happened to her it would kill you, and that you are concerned about her health, both mental and physical. At least, those are the things that my awesome SO does for me that help when I am feeling down and gaining weight.2 -
Talk to your wife. She'll be able to tell you a lot more than a bunch of strangers on the internet about how she is feeling, what is going through her mind and what she needs.5
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Verity1111 wrote: »Ironandwine69 wrote: »Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband
That's actually considered abuse. Information via studying psychology... I'd leave if my BF did that. If she's depressed, been through miscarriages etc, he should be patient and supportive and try to help her. Positive reinforcement makes more sense.
Besides. He's already withdrawn sex for at least 6 months. He could just ask her to shower with him beforehand as foreplay. But instead, he just doesn't touch her. He even said he doesn't cuddle with her any more.Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.3 -
I think you need to be more involved at home. The lifestyle you've described here isn't working for the two of you, though it may work perfectly for people who love having very independent lives. I'll bet that's not how your wife prefers things. If it's what you want, there's a possibility that your compatibility is limited and you'll need to make a compromise if you want to stay married. Join your wife and have a life together; she must love you if she's put up with your absence and scolding, and you clearly care for her even if you have been a little wrongheaded in showing it. Your career is driving you apart and no amount of controlling your weights will change that.7
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Everyday, tell her one thing that you love about her. The gift of a positive self image will pay off, like an investment. Tell her you love her all the time. Give her affection and praise.
You can't do this for her. People have to be responsible for themselves. The only person you can change is you.6 -
It might not be an option for OP to get a new job. And personally, Im assuming he has had this job for a long time, he provides for his family and I dont think that should be an option unless he has a solid backup plan. If my husband was always gone for work, I wouldnt be thrilled about it, infact I might be pretty upset that he was gone all the time. But we dont know OP's full story, maybe he has only ever had this type of job, and he wouldn't be able to find another job making enough money for his family to be financially stable. I think his wife and him should go to counseling for sure, and go from there, if the counseler believes him quitting his job is the best course of action, then they can decide at that point. However I dont believe that him quitting is going to truly impact this situation at all.2
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I think like another poster said adore her. Maybe after time she sees you change and gets tired of being left out she will get moving. Only you will know what's best for your family. Ask her what's the most stressful. If it's that your gone for 2 weeks at a time the 2 weeks your home look for another job. I would live in a small room to have my hubby home. No amount of money would be worth 2 weeks apart.
Oil field work is big $$$ which is basically the only reason most of the men out there take away/camp jobs. If they are like most families in the patch they probably have sizeable debt that "living in a small room" wouldn't touch. If they live in a rig town it'd be worse because everything is grossly inflated in cost.
Many people are able to make rig marriages work just like military families are able to make theirs work. It has far more to do with how they interact when he is home than how much time he is away imo, so telling him to leave a lucrative field with an income he likely can't replicate elsewhere seems shortsighted. The issue here is their communication and potentially her mental health, I don't see halving or losing his income as necessarily addressing either of those things.10
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