How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?

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  • armchairherpetologist
    armchairherpetologist Posts: 69 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI).

    I think it's a little presumptuous to jump to abuse.

    And what if it is affecting his attraction to her? He's supposed to lie and say it's isn't?
  • mom22dogs
    mom22dogs Posts: 470 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Okay all I can focus on in this is "Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage." and "she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more." which to me makes me worry about abuse. Like I wonder what kind of words because it's NEVER okay to use horrible words just because your spouse looks different... Unless you mean it wasn't that bad and she just took offense to it. Like the word "overweight" isn't a bad word, but I guess could hurt feelings. I have used the term obese with my BF and he seems offended, but I clarified that I love him and find him attractive, but we are technically obese by clinical standards (BMI). And why is 10lbs mentioned? Did she gain like 100lbs or like 10-20lbs which is way different...

    That's really jumping to conclusions.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    shank3r wrote: »
    I didn't want to throw my wife's weight number out there out of respect for her, to be honest I don't even know the actual # anymore, nor does it even matter.

    I take fault for where we're at (the both of us) due to things I've said in frustration. I've repented (which the real meaning is to permanently change).

    My weight loss journey has taken me from 365lbs to 220lbs, then back up to 295lbs, back down to 230lbs, then back up to 295lbs again, and now I'm headed back down and in the low 270's. (I also used phentermine the first time I lost a bunch of weight).

    Neither of us were "thin" when we met in college, but by the time we got married we had both gone from "overweight" to "fat"...I've never stopped loving her or loved her less, but now she's to the point where her size is affecting daily activities.

    I'm to the point where I miss things such as sitting together on the couch, there's just no comfortable way to do it anymore without being uncomfortable. I miss her more than anything, I miss doing things with her, I miss cuddling, and sometimes I let these things I miss allow me to get frustrated or mad, which is why I've had to keep my mouth shut, to prevent repeating mistakes.

    After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.

    (I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)

    Of course I will. but ok if she was over 300lbs I could see it. Is she ABLE to walk? And just not motivated? or is it literally difficult Im talking her knees might give out etc? If she is depressed maybe find something you know she used to love to do that isnt too much physical effort and start with that. That might perk her up enough to also get her interested in more physical things after. When depressed you often need to come out of it somehow first and remember what it's like to be happy and enjoy life.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    YvetteK2015 wrote: »
    TBH, it sounds like the two of you need to see a couple's therapist. Not just her for the depression she may have, but it seems like you have an issue with how you speak to your wife when you get frustrated. So far, your way of dealing with it is to keep your mouth shut, but you have to learn proper communication. A therapist would be a good way to find out the issues between the two of you, and learn how to discuss them without being hurtful and resentful on both ends.

    This is a great reply.
  • Big_YEET
    Big_YEET Posts: 152 Member
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    So what if attraction does play a part in it? Attraction is a big part of a relationship. OP has a 7 year old kid with his wife, so I assume they're at a point in their relationship where they should still be attracted to each other, should be intimate and have energy to play with their child. If she's not capable of putting effort and energy into a relationship then she isn't being the kind of partner that's cut out for a long term marriage. You could say the same thing about OP I guess for not "accepting her as she is", but there does come a point where enough is enough and love isn't enough to get you through it when your partner clearly doesn't care about bettering themselves. And gaining so much weight that you suffer from poor hygiene and no energy isn't something your partner should have to just keep quiet about. That's asking him to sacrifice too much of his own happiness to spare her feelings. She's an adult.
    OP the comments about her mental health are right, she most likely has depression and needs to get in a better place emotionally before she can lose weight. Her weight and problems with you most likely plays a part in her depression as well. Marriage counseling could be helpful. They'll usually point out mistakes from both sides, and ways they can change. If she's getting professional help and attempting to make a change, be there for her, support her and show that you appreciate the effort she's making. If she doesn't take any steps in the right direction and continues with the laziness and weight gain, you may just have to do what's best for yourself and your happiness.
  • rpkg62
    rpkg62 Posts: 44 Member
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    shank3r wrote: »

    After reading some of these very insightful replies, I've come around to realize that there may be a bigger problem, about a year ago our neighbor moved, which was her only *girl* friend outside of work or family that was nearby. I may need to call our old neighbor and see if she can help by making contact more often. I'm appreciative for the women perspectives I've received.

    (I'm ignoring the abuse comments, think what you will.)

    I've been a yo-yo dieter, and then steadily gained...I've never not been overweight. The first time I really started losing weight was after I moved, got a new job, and overall a new life style. I never realized how depressed I was until I was completely removed my old situation. It does sound like a bigger problem (that she may or may not even recognize). I hope she finds friends and support, my heart goes out to you both! When life feels better, it will be so much easier to make healthy progress.
  • mca90guitar
    mca90guitar Posts: 290 Member
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    Don't know a way you can approach it that wouldn't be hurtful. Guess you can try to get her more invloved in an active hobby the whole family can enjoy and it might get things going.

  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    Tuffaknee wrote: »
    So what if attraction does play a part in it? Attraction is a big part of a relationship. OP has a 7 year old kid with his wife, so I assume they're at a point in their relationship where they should still be attracted to each other, should be intimate and have energy to play with their child. If she's not capable of putting effort and energy into a relationship then she isn't being the kind of partner that's cut out for a long term marriage. You could say the same thing about OP I guess for not "accepting her as she is", but there does come a point where enough is enough and love isn't enough to get you through it when your partner clearly doesn't care about bettering themselves. And gaining so much weight that you suffer from poor hygiene and no energy isn't something your partner should have to just keep quiet about. That's asking him to sacrifice too much of his own happiness to spare her feelings. She's an adult.
    OP the comments about her mental health are right, she most likely has depression and needs to get in a better place emotionally before she can lose weight. Her weight and problems with you most likely plays a part in her depression as well. Marriage counseling could be helpful. They'll usually point out mistakes from both sides, and ways they can change. If she's getting professional help and attempting to make a change, be there for her, support her and show that you appreciate the effort she's making. If she doesn't take any steps in the right direction and continues with the laziness and weight gain, you may just have to do what's best for yourself and your happiness.

    No one said he shouldn't say something. But there is a difference between letting someone know they gained weight and saying "You're fat now". The f words seems to bother people a lot more than the word overweight or something else similar. He says he doesn't do that now so that's good but still there are kind ways to say things like that while still being honest.
  • Ironandwine69
    Ironandwine69 Posts: 2,432 Member
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    Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
    It works for everything with my husband

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