Incredibly stressful living situation causing me so much stress that it's making me sick and ....
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »ironically, as much as she has done to me (and as little as I have done to this girl) she seems to be the one bad mouthing me XD
Also not uncommon. The friendship won't likely survive. She sounds self-absorbed. You'll be okay. Take care of yourself.2 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
I don't think that someone who has people over a lot or who is messy automatically has a mental health or substance abuse issue.
I've known people who are messy as hell and lazy, which results in very untidy homes.
Right, it's not just being messy, it's the part I bolded - being messy to the point of mold and bugs. Whenever I have seen that amount of squalor, there was a mental health or substance abuse issue involved.4 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
The friendship will die completely if you don't move out. Trust me on this. Been there done that.
MOVE.2 -
Sounds like the only way to save the friendship is to move out. Living with friends is a bad idea most of the time for this exact reason. You might love to hang out with a person without being cut out to actually LIVE with them. If you stay in that flat you will most likely fall out completely eventually. The number one reason for moving though is of course that you notice it affecting your health and your fitness goals. It's not worth risking your health and your friendship.0
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kshama2001 wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
I don't think that someone who has people over a lot or who is messy automatically has a mental health or substance abuse issue.
I've known people who are messy as hell and lazy, which results in very untidy homes.
Right, it's not just being messy, it's the part I bolded - being messy to the point of mold and bugs. Whenever I have seen that amount of squalor, there was a mental health or substance abuse issue involved.
She does do drugs.. and she has cried to me about her life. Not sure if I would classify it as a full blown mental illness though
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So, is it your place I gather? If it's your name on the lease with the landlord, breaking the lease may be expensive. Just tell her she has to find other living arrangements. Like, now.
Life is too damn short as it is.
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Geocitiesuser wrote: »I'd move out.... have dealt with things like this in the past, they (in my experience) don't get better.
ditto! GTFO and don't look back.1 -
I also agree that living with friends can be one of the worst things and quickest ways to ruin a friendship, unfortunately. Post college, I only lived alone, and loved it. Now I'm married and live with my husband, but he's an anomaly lol.
Good luck to you! I hope you're able to find a solution!2 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
I don't think that someone who has people over a lot or who is messy automatically has a mental health or substance abuse issue.
I've known people who are messy as hell and lazy, which results in very untidy homes.
Right, it's not just being messy, it's the part I bolded - being messy to the point of mold and bugs. Whenever I have seen that amount of squalor, there was a mental health or substance abuse issue involved.
She does do drugs.. and she has cried to me about her life. Not sure if I would classify it as a full blown mental illness though
I've known high functioning drug users, and dysfunctional drug users. Most of the dysfunctional drug users were also thieves. It's an awful feeling of betrayal when a "friend" steals from you. Not saying this is going to happen with your friend, but that IME it is very common with certain types of drugs and patterns of drug use.
(And for any functional drug users, it already should be perfectly clear that I am NOT talking about you but I will reiterate that I'm talking about dysfunctional drug use.)
Look, you're not her mother or her social worker. Her problems do not have to be your problems. Is she on the lease? Can you kick her out?2 -
We're both on the lease.0
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I have tips for how to live alone and be happy. Imagine how clean and orderly your own place will be, even if it is a cosy closet.3
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My best friend and I actually talked about living together at one point to help with finances and we realized when talking it through that we would hate living together and damage the friendship by doing it. Because I make more money I would have felt that her wanting me to change was unfair as I was helping her out and my mess (not to the level you describe but I am messy and my friend is a clean person - daily sweep and wipe down and mops couple of times a week) would make her uncomfortable and disgusted with me all the time. When not living together we both think the other is great and are comfortable in each other's home's. It was a case of recognizing that for us, familiarity breeds contempt.3
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I remember the time when a messy roommate was considered a "very stressful situation".
How long is your lease? Can you find a replacement for yourself and move out?2 -
At one time my future son-in-law and my son thought it would be great to live together to save money. It de-escalated to the point where my son left the dirty dishes in the middle of my SIL's mattress.
You can imagine how well it went.1 -
My best friend and I actually talked about living together at one point to help with finances and we realized when talking it through that we would hate living together and damage the friendship by doing it. Because I make more money I would have felt that her wanting me to change was unfair as I was helping her out and my mess (not to the level you describe but I am messy and my friend is a clean person - daily sweep and wipe down and mops couple of times a week) would make her uncomfortable and disgusted with me all the time. When not living together we both think the other is great and are comfortable in each other's home's. It was a case of recognizing that for us, familiarity breeds contempt.
how is making more money relevant when you split rent 50/50....? and i make WAY more money than my roommate so....0 -
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Don't do it! Move out gracefully and have yourself a wonderful Febreze day, and put all your linens through the wash twice.2
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
But, ah, after living with her, do you still even like her? Us older folk have probably all been through this particular wringer. I know I have. You're going to end up moving out and you'll have no desire to remain friends with her. You'll be so relieved to live alone again.
I houseshared with a friend for 6 months when i was 19..... weve not spoken since, its been 16 years3 -
Complain to the landlord, then move out if he won't kick her out.0
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