Incredibly stressful living situation causing me so much stress that it's making me sick and ....
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We're both on the lease.0
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I have tips for how to live alone and be happy. Imagine how clean and orderly your own place will be, even if it is a cosy closet.3
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My best friend and I actually talked about living together at one point to help with finances and we realized when talking it through that we would hate living together and damage the friendship by doing it. Because I make more money I would have felt that her wanting me to change was unfair as I was helping her out and my mess (not to the level you describe but I am messy and my friend is a clean person - daily sweep and wipe down and mops couple of times a week) would make her uncomfortable and disgusted with me all the time. When not living together we both think the other is great and are comfortable in each other's home's. It was a case of recognizing that for us, familiarity breeds contempt.3
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I remember the time when a messy roommate was considered a "very stressful situation".
How long is your lease? Can you find a replacement for yourself and move out?2 -
At one time my future son-in-law and my son thought it would be great to live together to save money. It de-escalated to the point where my son left the dirty dishes in the middle of my SIL's mattress.
You can imagine how well it went.1 -
My best friend and I actually talked about living together at one point to help with finances and we realized when talking it through that we would hate living together and damage the friendship by doing it. Because I make more money I would have felt that her wanting me to change was unfair as I was helping her out and my mess (not to the level you describe but I am messy and my friend is a clean person - daily sweep and wipe down and mops couple of times a week) would make her uncomfortable and disgusted with me all the time. When not living together we both think the other is great and are comfortable in each other's home's. It was a case of recognizing that for us, familiarity breeds contempt.
how is making more money relevant when you split rent 50/50....? and i make WAY more money than my roommate so....0 -
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Don't do it! Move out gracefully and have yourself a wonderful Febreze day, and put all your linens through the wash twice.2
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
But, ah, after living with her, do you still even like her? Us older folk have probably all been through this particular wringer. I know I have. You're going to end up moving out and you'll have no desire to remain friends with her. You'll be so relieved to live alone again.
I houseshared with a friend for 6 months when i was 19..... weve not spoken since, its been 16 years3 -
Complain to the landlord, then move out if he won't kick her out.0
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »We're both on the lease.
I'm not a lawyer, but ... the drug use might be something you can use to get out of this situation in a way that is not financially terrible for you -- even if it is just a conversation you end up having with her with the intention of you moving out, getting off the lease, and her getting someone else to move in to take over.1 -
I'd be out of there. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary. And many a good friendship is destroyed by living together when people aren't compatible. Tell her she needs to find someone to take over the lease.4
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Alatariel75 wrote: »I'd be out of there. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary. And many a good friendship is destroyed by living together when people aren't compatible. Tell her she needs to find someone to take over the lease.
^^^This. You need to get out of there now.1 -
Time to move.0
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If you know she uses drugs, and the house is so messy you don't know everything that's in there, there's another potential issue: what if the police come knocking and find drugs in the house? You'll have to do some fast talking to convince them they're not yours.1
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If you know she uses drugs, and the house is so messy you don't know everything that's in there, there's another potential issue: what if the police come knocking and find drugs in the house? You'll have to do some fast talking to convince them they're not yours.
i've thought about this and theres an easy solution... they would drug test both of us. i don't do any drugs so i would test negative and she would test positive.
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It was a deal breaker for me in a 3 year relationship. I WASN'T going to be cleaning up after an adult the rest of my life. I'm glad I got out of it. Hopefully your lease isn't long.Tropicoolblonde wrote: »I'm eating really unhealthy because of the stress. I'm also not sleeping much, which is causing me to overreat and to be unable to exercise sometimes (because I am so exhausted and sick from stress)
So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out?
the stress is killing me.
Sorry if this isn't really a diet question...but it's affecting my health which is in turn affecting my diet. I am not sure how to deal with this or what I should do so that I can focus on me and my health.
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Thanks guys... I'm already looking at apartments and going to speak with the landlord today regarding possibly taking my name off the lease so long as her name remains.. It's a big complex so i will see if they can transfer me to another unit, where I can be alone.2
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Good luck!1
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »If you know she uses drugs, and the house is so messy you don't know everything that's in there, there's another potential issue: what if the police come knocking and find drugs in the house? You'll have to do some fast talking to convince them they're not yours.
i've thought about this and theres an easy solution... they would drug test both of us. i don't do any drugs so i would test negative and she would test positive.
Check your state laws. This doesn't always work. You can be convicted of possession, intent to sell/trafficking, and so on even if it isn't in your system. I had a straight edge friend who had never so much as smoked a cigarette who learned this the hard way. There are dealers who don't use (especially if there are hard substances involved) and there is always aiding and abetting a crime by not reporting / allowing it to happen in your home etc.
I'm not saying it's likely, but it does happen.3 -
After living alone for the last four years I can safely say I'll never live with anybody again, it's just so much simpler living by myself.2
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »If you know she uses drugs, and the house is so messy you don't know everything that's in there, there's another potential issue: what if the police come knocking and find drugs in the house? You'll have to do some fast talking to convince them they're not yours.
i've thought about this and theres an easy solution... they would drug test both of us. i don't do any drugs so i would test negative and she would test positive.
Um.. police don't 'test' for drugs and point fingers. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. If it's in the house, and your name is on the lease you're just as responsible. Only way out of that is if you were the person making the report and even then it's going to get rocky if they fail at prosecuting your roommate. How much is left on the lease? If it were me, I'd probably just do her part of the chores (just for my own sanity), keep the place clean and when lease renewal comes up, don't renew it. Find somewhere else without her. Friend or not, she's putting your freedom at risk if the drugs in question are illegal. If the question comes up later, tell her you tried getting her to do her part but ended up having to do it yourself, so she'll need to find another roommate. I had to do that several times with roommates over the years. Once you're in a lease you're generally screwed unless the landlord is willing to let you out of it (doubtful if the other person isn't willing to take on your half or have a replacement person). The next time you sign a lease with someone make sure these things are discussed beforehand. Otherwise your only other option is to break the lease and pay it off or simply move out and continue paying the rent there (your half of it). Problem with doing it that way is that you are still responsible for damages unless you go to the landlord and buy out your portion with him/her and get a receipt that specifically states it releases you from liability.4 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
Keep the friendship, but at a distance. I have several friends like this and sure my behaviors grate on them just as much. Nothing personal, just different. I have a blast heading to the pub with them, but wouldn't live with them.
Confront this directly. Make sure you give your friend plenty of time to find another living option/roommate. How much time do you have on the lease? Speak with the landlord about this and your intent to move, but speak with your friend first. Best to let everyone know in advance so they have time to plan out options.2 -
Spliner1969 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »If you know she uses drugs, and the house is so messy you don't know everything that's in there, there's another potential issue: what if the police come knocking and find drugs in the house? You'll have to do some fast talking to convince them they're not yours.
i've thought about this and theres an easy solution... they would drug test both of us. i don't do any drugs so i would test negative and she would test positive.
Um.. police don't 'test' for drugs and point fingers. Possession is 9/10ths of the law. If it's in the house, and your name is on the lease you're just as responsible. Only way out of that is if you were the person making the report and even then it's going to get rocky if they fail at prosecuting your roommate. How much is left on the lease? If it were me, I'd probably just do her part of the chores (just for my own sanity), keep the place clean and when lease renewal comes up, don't renew it. Find somewhere else without her. Friend or not, she's putting your freedom at risk if the drugs in question are illegal. If the question comes up later, tell her you tried getting her to do her part but ended up having to do it yourself, so she'll need to find another roommate. I had to do that several times with roommates over the years. Once you're in a lease you're generally screwed unless the landlord is willing to let you out of it (doubtful if the other person isn't willing to take on your half or have a replacement person). The next time you sign a lease with someone make sure these things are discussed beforehand. Otherwise your only other option is to break the lease and pay it off or simply move out and continue paying the rent there (your half of it). Problem with doing it that way is that you are still responsible for damages unless you go to the landlord and buy out your portion with him/her and get a receipt that specifically states it releases you from liability.
Another option is if your lease agreement / land lord allows for a subletter. In some cases your commitment is based on reasonably filling your spot, and if you can find a "reasonable" subletter (someone with good credit, no criminal background, employed, etc.) your roommate may not have much room to contest the sublet.
It all depends on your lease agreement, landlord and the renting laws in your state and county.
But yes, as @Spliner1969 indicated, you could absolutely be prosecuted in relation to your roommate's drug use. It may be best to tell your landlord about it (feign ignorance up until this point) and ask him/her to evict your roommate with the promise that you are clean (drug-free) will cover the rent, and/or will find a new acceptable roommate.0 -
megdnoorman wrote: »But yes, as @Spliner1969 indicated, you could absolutely be prosecuted in relation to your roommate's drug use. It may be best to tell your landlord about it (feign ignorance up until this point) and ask him/her to evict your roommate with the promise that you are clean (drug-free) will cover the rent, and/or will find a new acceptable roommate.
Be VERY VERY careful with that option. A sublet is fine, but you would need to be honest to that person about the issues with your current roommate. If you involve the landlord don't expect him/her not to involve the police (we're talking about their property and they will want to protect it), and even if you came forward you're still responsible to the letter of the law. If it were financially feasible, I'd approach the landlord about buying out your half of the lease. I wouldn't be specific about the reasons why (other than you want to have your own place and can now afford it). But when you do, clean up the place,and make sure your roommate's paraphernalia is well hidden. The landlord may want to do an inspection before letting you out of the lease. Also don't do it unless the landlord will provide you with a release of liability/completion of lease paperwork. Your roommate at that point would be basically getting their own place at half the rent until the end of the lease. But after that would need to make other arrangements. It would be on them at that point and would cost you for sure but it's the easiest legal way out of the mess. When the lease comes due if your roommate doesn't find a roommate to re-sign and can't pay the rent, and trashes the place, you don't want the landlord coming back on you.
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »If you know she uses drugs, and the house is so messy you don't know everything that's in there, there's another potential issue: what if the police come knocking and find drugs in the house? You'll have to do some fast talking to convince them they're not yours.
i've thought about this and theres an easy solution... they would drug test both of us. i don't do any drugs so i would test negative and she would test positive.
A drug test (that you'd have to get done yourself; the police wouldn't help you out with this) wouldn't help you with a possession charge. You're on the lease; you're responsible for illegal activity happening under your roof.3 -
You need to find a way to get out of that situation ASAP. Move. I know it's easier said than done, but find a way. It's not worth the stress.1
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As @Spliner1969 and @kshama2001 have outlined, tread carefully and get out of there.1
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Speak with your landlord about the situation and the terms of your lease. Inform the landlord about how filthy the person Is etc. Take pictures of the mess the person makes, and see if you're a student if they may have free legal counseling to talk through how you can get out of it without paying something.
Oftentimes the landlord will ask you to bring someone who can finish up the rest of your lease for you, so make sure to speak with the landlord you may have other options.
Good luck!1 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
Is both of your names on the lease or just yours? If it's just you and the tenant knows about the other person they might be considered a tenant. If the landlord doesn't know about he person your lease may be at risk.
If she's on the lease and not you feel free to move out and find a new place.
All in all good luck!!0
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