Marriage Issue...Thoughts??



  • MJ2victory
    MJ2victory Posts: 97 Member
    everher wrote: »
    Mm, sounds like he's dragging his feet on this marriage thing. You don't need to buy a house in order to get married. I wouldn't marry anyone who had 'conditions' for our marriage.

    Also, wouldn't put my money towards a house that I had no rights to. It would be a firm no, I would make it clear that's not happening, and that would be the end of that.

    If he wants to marry you he'll marry you regardless of whether you buy a home together or not prior to being married. And it's not like you couldn't marry and buy a house soon afterwards. This all sounds ridiculous to me and I wouldn't budge if I were you.

    Totally agree. It's kinda creepy what he's doing... like it really makes it sound like he's trying to trick you into paying for half of a house so he can leave you tbh. Sorry to be a negative nelly but this all sounds shifty a
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    He's seemingly not ready to get married right now and you're not ready to buy a house right now. So...don't. But do have a heart to heart and tell him that this is bothering you enough that you posted anonymously on MFP to get advice - if I were him, that would make me really sad. And realize I'd hurt you deeply. Someone who really loves you would feel pretty lousy about that...and might be more ready to listen.

    Then, agree to do some work on your relationship and communicating for the next six months - about everything besides the house and a wedding date. You can be together for four years and still be incompatible, no matter how great you both are or how good he is to your kids. You need to figure out if you two are still together because you want to be.

    My point is that if everything in the relationship is boiling down to these two things, they may have become more important than love. And you need to get back to the love, if it's still there.

    I was married once for a short period of time, long ago, before I met my husband. The residual stuff from that short, disastrous mistake lasted. Financial, emotional...he dealt with it and loved me through it. We have talked through everything and always, always support each other and agree we are in this together. We still don't have our permanent home yet...and we've been together 13 years/married 6 and were long distance half of that time due to our jobs. We're together, regardless of how nice the roof over our heads is or isn't. Priorities!
  • finny11122
    finny11122 Posts: 8,436 Member
    My fiance and I got engaged 6 months ago. At that time, we both agreed that we would wait to get married until we moved.

    We recently moved into a new house (rental) a little over a month ago. Last week I asked him if he he'd like to talk about wedding dates. I told him i was not in a rush to get married we could even plan for a year or so from now, but just wanted his thoughts. He said that he doesn't want to get married until we buy a house. That's not what he said 6 months ago although he maintains that it is.

    I told him that I was not comfortable buying a house together if we are not married. I was married for 15 years, had 3 kids, and was left with nothing after the divorce because I stupidly let my ex-husband put everything in his name only. Due to my divorce, my credit is not good enough to be on the loan and will stay that way for quite some time. I just don't want to put my money into something again that I have no rights to.

    Now my fiance is pissed and thinks that I am trying to back him into a corner with the whole marriage thing, but I am really not. I'm just trying to be smarter about things this time around.

    He says he shouldn't have to pay for another person's mistakes. Sometimes I feel like a house is the only thing that is important to him. I feel that he should not have ever asked me if he was going to put stipulations on it. He says he just wants a forever home first.

    Now I don't want to discuss a wedding or a house any time soon. What's the compromise? Am I being unrealistic?


    Why question each other ? The fact you are reaching out and looking for validation is clues in itself . If you were 100% in love and trusted each other this topic would not even exist in the first place . Getting married is only a label anyway. Example= I fit in , i'm on the winning married team now . I'm accepted by society now type of mindset .
    Ye obviously have underlying issues .
    Be the woman he fell in love with and also he has to be be the man you fell in love with .
    If ye drift apart and do not communicate ye will fail .
    If ye understand each other , communicate with each other , be there for each other ye will stand the test of time .
  • laurenebargar
    laurenebargar Posts: 2,694 Member
    Regarding the house, I woudlnt want to buy a house until we were married either based off your past marriage, and if that means waiting until your credit is better, than maybe do that. However it does seem like he is dragging his feet. Whats his reasoning behind needing a house first? how far off are you realistically from buying a house? Could this happen in a year, two years, ten years? I married my husband one month after I turned 21, we've been married two years now, but our goals are to get a house together, and build our life up together. We want a house too, but if we waited for that, we would still be waiting today, and material things, even a house don't make the marriage.
  • 2011rocket3touring
    2011rocket3touring Posts: 1,346 Member
    J_Surita3 wrote: »
    If neither one of you is in any rush to get married, work on building your credit and finances. You can both buy the house together when you can afford to do so and then get married.
    Make your credit your b*tch. Guard it jealously and you will be rewarded handsomely. I went from bankruptcy/foreclosure to mid 700s. Not gonna lie, I love having a nice credit score.
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
    I've got to agree with many of the posters here, marriage is about wanting to spend the rest of your life together. It should have little to do with buying a house. Yes in marriages couples should be compatible which means one of you can't be a huge spender and the other a huge saver (unless you are millionaires and even then). Before you marry, I'd say the two of you need to communicate and compromise together or getting married is just going to be a thing you'll do on the way to divorce number 2. I'm assuming in your heart you already know this or else this conversation would not be ongoing. I never needed to ask anyone if I should marry my wife, I just knew.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,592 Member
    I agree, big red flag. Something is wrong here. First of all he moved the goalposts, now he won't work with you for a reasonable common good. He just wants HIS way. I'd think twice about marrying this person.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
    My thoughts on this: You said you were renting this house.

    In your telling, the bf used the word "move" 6 months ago and you thought it meant "move" but now he's saying it meant "buy".

    I understand that in some ways you don't want to admit that bf is not much of a negotiating partner, but he's not much of a negotiating partner if he moves the goal posts, which is what he did.

    All you have invested in this relationship is time and the scars of lost time investments in relationships past. What's a little more scarring to you?

    If your income is a key component of his support, you are being screwed in multiple ways.

    My only real question is, "How much self-respect do you have?"
  • kazmara
    kazmara Posts: 1 Member
    In my opinion, a marriage and a house are two separate things and wrapping them up together can be very confusing. It sounds to me like he has a priority list that places establishing his forever home chronologically before the distraction and monetary drain of a wedding. It sounds like you may have different priorities or at least a differing idea of what should occur when.

    There are a lot of very common "large hurdles" in any marriage and being on the "same page" with money (goals, spending habits, debt comfort level, etc.) is one of them, in my opinion. It can sometimes take years to develop a system that works comfortably for both of parties. Buying a home is a huge commitment and financial decision.

    It's easy to discuss things in a relationship and believe that you are both on the same page right up until you are ready to face something and realize that you both heard or meant something different than your partner. I believe this is very normal. This is where the value of marital counseling is evident. It can bring to light issues just like this one and create discussions, discuss compromises or uncover "brick walls" before there is an actual problem.

    Your feelings are just that - your feelings. They are not wrong or right, they are just your feelings and you are entitled to have them - so is he. Communication is the key and it sounds as if counseling might help.
  • JeepHair77
    JeepHair77 Posts: 1,291 Member
    KelGen02 wrote: »
    Sounds like he is dragging his feet to me, a simple discussion about your future shouldn't be tied to buying a house. Yes, it is nice to lay it out on the table of the wants and visions but simply saying he doesn't want to discuss it until you have a house is a HUGE RED FLAG TO ME... and for the records, I am in the financial industry and while you may not be able to go on the mortgage obligation because of your credit issues, you most certainly can be listed as an owner on the title/deed of the home. You don't sign the mortgage papers, but you sign the deed, which makes you the recorded owner of the property and have full rights to the property. If I was you, I would RUN... sounds like you and your kids have already been through enough to continue with this little game.

    This makes no sense to me (and I'm a real estate lawyer). It's not like just anyone can sign a deed and be a partial owner - the owner would have to grant an interest in the property, and no mortgage company allows that.

    Regarding the rest of it - you said you've been married before. Has he? Because it sounds to me like his cold feet are coming from a prior bad experience. You're trying to avoid making the same mistakes you made before, and maybe he is, too. Second marriages are terrifying.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,427 Member
    What I would say is with someone putting conditions and then changing conditions that they probably don't really want to get married deep down. People who want to get married get married without waiting for everything in the universe to line up just right. They might just do a courthouse wedding with a couple of witnesses but they do it.
    It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't a good person if he balks at marriage. You just aren't likely to get married with him now or maybe ever.
    I would stick firm to not buying property together if you are unmarried or consult a lawyer about that subject.
    If he wants to wait and you are fine with waiting a year or more then maybe that is best. Let him know with a specific date how long you will give him to accomplish his goal of buying a house on his own before marrying. An expiration date for the engagement.
    If you don't really want to wait for a house for marriage then tell him and decide if you will stay with him if he says no.

  • kschwab0203
    kschwab0203 Posts: 610 Member
    Follow your instincts. Sounds like it might not be a good idea to commit further to this charmer.

    He's a great man. He's accepted my children as his own. He's been there for us through thick and thin for the last 4 years. I mean it just seems so ridiculous to me that we'd break up because we can't decide on the timing of marriage.

    You live together and are in a committed relationship. He doesn't want to commit further (marriage) until you commit further (buying a house); you don't want to commit further (buying a house) until he commits further (marriage). So, maybe you should slow down a little bit. It's been working great for four years, right? I didn't suggest breaking up. Maybe both plans should be put on the back burner.

    This is where I am at. I don't have my heart set on getting married at any specific time. I know who I am and I will not be taken advantage of again. I'm going to tell him that at this point neither of these things are on the table anymore. Maybe we'll revisit the topic again in a year or so. Perhaps at that point we'll both have a better perspective or not.

  • willnorton
    willnorton Posts: 995 Member
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,459 Member
    Run Away !

    ( which is probably the best advice for 90% of any questions posted on mfp)