Concerned about fiancé...
Replies
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You're doing what you can. Setting an example, and making good choices accessible. I am in a similar situation with one of my family members. I am afraid they on a track for diabetes due to their blatant disregard for nutrition. They are sensitive though and prone to emotional illness so I cannot say anything directly. I just do the grocery shopping and have good choices around, and cook healthy meals. This doesn't stop them from buying tons of ice cream and eating 4 cups after dinner, or going out to eat and ignoring that I have leftovers at home we can eat (and save money doing so!). It is quite frustrating, and I feel for you. I guess all you can do is hope that your example will 'click' with them one day.2
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In the end, you are marrying this (presumably wonderful) man now, not the hypothetical future man who decides to change his lifestyle. As others have said, you may never change his behavior; how important that is to you is up to you.3
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IMHO it depends on his attitude. My husband would do the same things offer healthy suggestions, suggest maybe not drinking soda as much. He never said anything about my weight or tried to force me to do anything but I just ignored it. It wasnt until I decided I was ready that I started doing anything about it. And even then I didnt tell him for two months. im not sure why exactly, I think I was embarrassed at the thought of telling him and then falling off the wagon. Hes super encouraging now and occasionally will ask me questions like if I have a goal weight, or about smaller goals but hes never pushy about it.
If your fiance wouldnt respond well to tough love approach, then I wouldnt use that. He truly does need to want to change. But that doesnt mean you cant talk to him about this. Do you guys ever plan on having children? Having him around for a long time and not having medical issues are definetly something to consider.
Also I think he most likely isnt going to the doctor because he is in denial/embarrassed. And that he is going to need to work out on his own as well.
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ladyhusker39 wrote: »This post is full of contradictions. Either you love and accept him for who he is or you don't. You need to decide which one it is before you marry him.
That's not true. She loves him and wants a long life with him.2 -
I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.
He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.
Sorry he's a grown *kitten* man. You may think he wants to eat healthy and exercise but by his actions he obviously does not.
He needs to decide on his own and get the job done. Best of luck.3 -
Hi! I'm the OP and want to thank all of you guys for your responses!
1. I definitely don't want to force him to do anything. I don't want to be like his past girlfriend (despite having food issues like her), who cut things out of his diet because she couldn't have them, etc. My mom was very interested in my weight growing up and I kind of blame her for my food issues. She would punish me for having off limit treats, and put me on a special k diet which was extremely calorie-and-nutrient-restrictive. All I want to do is talk to him and express my concern as his partner. He can do what he will with it. I will try to drop it after that, I agree that nagging will not do any good.
2. Can I nag him about going to see a doctor? Because he definitely needs to see one and I don't know what else to do. It has been a year since he's been, and he needs to get checked out to make sure it isn't something other than lack of activity and poor diet that is causing him to be so unhappy.
3. I have thought about what would happen if he continues on this path and ends up in poor health/passes away early in life. It is a very upsetting for me to think about, but yes, I will be there for him in sickness and in health. Thinking about it happening is horrible and I want to avoid that, but I know he would do the same for me and I want to be on his side no matter what happens.
4. My fiancé has diagnosed anxiety and depression and is medicated for both but no longer sees a therapist.
5. His weight is not the reason I want him to change. I mean, it will change as the result of being more active and eating better (NOT dieting) but he was overweight when I fell in love with him, and my main concern is his unhappiness (his headaches, fatigue, back pain) and his energy levels and how it affects our relationship. I love him for him, and he is way more than his weight.
6. I had considered sleep apnea! He does snore a lot when he sleeps and he sleeps just as long as I do (as far as I know, he may wake up while I'm sleeping) but still experiences sleepiness. I have even listened to his snoring to see if I could catch apneic episodes, but no luck XD I'll bring it up with him. One thing I may have not mentioned is that we moved states (one state over) and his sleeping problems seem to have gotten worse. We've put in a window air conditioning unit (our apartment unfortunately does not have air conditioning ...), put up blackout curtains, and I've tried sleeping in a different room (I was on vacation while he had to work) to see if I was the culprit. He still is sleeping poorly.
7. He's great at encouraging me to be healthy, which is confusing for me in terms of his own health. He is great at reminding me how good I will feel after a workout when I'm dragging my feet.
8. I am terrible at being direct. I have told him that I wish he took better care of himself, but I haven't really expressed how much I worry about him and how it keeps me up at night sometimes. Or how worried I am for our future if he keeps treating himself this way.
This^ in bold, this is what he wants from you. He wants a cheerleader, like he's been for you. You're it, both in this weight thing and in life. I mean to fall all over him and tell him how proud you are of his successes, real encouragement.
One other thing, just for you. Now is the time (before you're married) that you need to be selfish, because you can't later, it's not fair to either of you. If you really think this is something that's going to ruin your marriage, then you've got to draw that line.1 -
I think it's okay to tell him that you need him to take care of his health so that he will be around for your future. Tell him that you need him to be here with you for a long time. After that, tell him that you will back off (and do so). There's nothing you can do to make him adopt healthier habits, and nagging him will probably push him further away from the behaviors you'd like to see. Be prepared to support him in any changes he wants to make, but he needs to take the lead now.
I really like this response. You can't force him to do anything but you CAN explain why it's so important to you. You want a long happy life with him, and you're worried that it will be cut short if you're not both healthy. Maybe start the conversation with "I just need to get this off my chest and then I promise I will back off, I just need you to understand where I'm coming from" so that he'll be more open-minded to listening to you. This helped with my husband, and it worked for my friend who (after years of feeling upset and frustrated) told her morbidly obese mom "I want my kids to have grandparents"- her mom lost over 100 lbs and has kept it off for over 15 years. Sometimes people just need help seeing the situation from someone else's point of view.
Also, as others have said, setting the example (which you're already doing) is great! It might take time but as he sees your results and your happiness from those results, he might slowly start thinking "hm, maybe I should give this a shot too." Another thing that helps me is when I see my husband coming home often with things like shakes, burgers, or ordering pizza when I'm not home, I find new recipes to try to make healthier versions of those things. At first I didn't tell my husband I was doing that though, because I knew he'd resist. It started with little things- I'd use PAM or a little olive oil in cooking instead of butter...oven-frying instead of deep-frying. AFTER he told me how yummy it was I'd say "yeah, I never knew _____ could be healthy AND yummy. Can you believe this has half the calories?!" It helped me "prove" that healthy could be yummy without it ever being a debate that I felt I needed to "win." It was something fun for BOTH of us, not something I was pushing on him. Now, some of those meals are his favorites and he likes it when I experiment with recipes! We both still make poor choices sometimes but it's never a "omg that was so bad!" kind of thing. Instead it's "well, we splurged on pizza yesterday so how about we go with a stir-fry and salad tonight?"
In any case, I wish you both the best!1 -
Speaking from experience, my hubby gained a little, and he likes to eat. He retired from the army almost ten years ago. My daughter and I have been logging our calories (we do it religiously). My husband likes nothing diet, period. However, he started watching us log in all the time, and he got curious. He started counting a little bit ( I put in his calories sometimes). He has dropped 15 pounds. He has about 5 pounds to his goal. I did not force him, we just lived the healthy life before him and he got on board. He doesn't log like us, but he has cut back on overeating drastically. Love him, married almost 22 years. Just continue living healthy in front of him, log in in front of him. When you love someone you will be concerned about their health.4
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I haven't faced this specific dilemma, but something can be useful on promoting healthier eating is having a food budget. It's a way to manage the food in the house and how often you eat out without any focus being on the 'healthiness' of the choices. If you can only spend X on eating out, it maximizes the amount of meals at home and then you can cook healthier options. And if it's simply not in the budget for either of you to buy lunch at work, then you have to eat the healthy lunch that's been prepared.
If you do this, don't talk at all about how healthy or unhealthy options are, just cook things that you know to be healthy and then the two of you need to eat then because you've committed to not eating out. I found I instantly started eating better when we both agreed to not spend money buying lunch at work. Our only goal at that moment was financial, but better food choices was an added bonus.1 -
I also want to point out that there's no guarantee whenever you marry someone. My dad and mom were super active together for years; they were when they got married. Now my mom still runs but my dad barely walks and has gained a lot of weight and drinks a good amount.
Forever is a long time.1 -
7. He's great at encouraging me to be healthy, which is confusing for me in terms of his own health. He is great at reminding me how good I will feel after a workout when I'm dragging my feet.
This^ in bold, this is what he wants from you. He wants a cheerleader, like he's been for you. You're it, both in this weight thing and in life. I mean to fall all over him and tell him how proud you are of his successes, real encouragement.
Sorry, but I don't read him that way. He's reminding her to workout, etc. but he doesn't do anything himself? I read that as laziness. The OP says it confuses her and she is on the mark. It would rub me the wrong way if someone badly in need of exercise and other help was reminding me to work.
He needs to get active himself. Unless he's an invalid, telling/reminding someone else what to do is not participating in life.
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Ok so I'm going to take a different approach here. Your fiancé sounds exactly like mine did. I lost 65 pounds and unfortunately as I was losing my fiancé gained and got up to about 290 (guessing since I don't know for sure what his heaviest weight was). Eventually he decided he wanted to lose but didn't want to put in the effort (like lots of people when they first decide they want to lose weight). He started looking for quick fixes (steroids, phentermine, all the terrible options). He even agreed to do weight watchers but again there was no accountability on his part. I was preparing and tracking everything for him. Needless to say he failed to lose weight again. He saw how healthy I was eating but knew he couldn't stick to that. He did his research when he was finally ready to get serious and signed up for nutrisystem for men. He still gets to eat pizza and other foods he likes- but it's all proportioned, which is where he really needs help. He's liking the program and has gotten much closer to goal weight so he's incorporating non-nutrisystem dinners into his week. He wants to ween himself off the program as he gains self control with food. It's not a cheap program and it's not for everyone. But it works well for him because he has bad portion control and still gets to eat "real food" (his words). Hopefully your fiancé will get to a point where he wants it and finds a program that works for him. I tried to help my fiancé like it sounds you are too. Eventually I decided if he wanted it bad enough he had to do it himself- and he did! Hopefully your fiancé finds a program that works for him to get healthy too!1
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As a wife, I do think it's within the accepted bounds of a marital relationship to tell my husband to get his rear to a doctor, or even make appointments for him. If he dies, I'm the one who suffers. The same goes in reverse. Part of "in sickness or in health" is knowing that if he has a stroke and has to be fed and changed by someone that someone will be me. So I get to tell him to shape up and not have a stroke! When you are married, your life is not just your own business, it's your spouse's life.
You're not a wife yet, but you plan to be. So these are definitely issues you should think about now. He does sound as if he has sleep apnea, and he's on meds but not getting therapy. He needs to man up and go to a doctor for your sake, and I would have a come to Jesus meeting and tell him so. Not taking care of himself because he knows what the doctor is going to say and doesn't want to hear it would be a deal breaker for me, similar to having a husband who sat around all day not looking for a job.7 -
4. My fiancé has diagnosed anxiety and depression and is medicated for both but no longer sees a therapist.
You have mentioned several times he's unhappy. Combined with this maybe it's time he saw a doctor not only for his physical health, but his mental health.
Also, I hate to even ask, but are you sure he's taking his medication or that it's having the desired effect? Sounds almost like he's depressed and coping with food.1 -
Packerjohn wrote: »I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.
He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.
Sorry he's a grown *kitten* man. You may think he wants to eat healthy and exercise but by his actions he obviously does not.
He needs to decide on his own and get the job done. Best of luck.
Yea, gotta agree with this. I married an overweight man I adore. I maintain, which really means every so often I have to lose 5. Especially after we married, every day was a celebration and my weight creeped up. So the "opportunities" to lose 5 were a little more frequent back then. Each time I asked if he wanted to work on losing together. He said yes but actions said no (as in, no effort/change at all). I just did my thing, let it go. After 6 years maybe, he decided to lose and lost 40. Asked for my help on a couple things but really did it his way.
Differently situation from you, OP, but the point is... he had to decide on his own time. And there was no guarantee he ever would decide to put in the effort.0 -
You're not married, so you may have to really think about whether or not a future of CARING for him is what you want UNLESS he wants to make a change himself. I not saying this to be harsh or mean. I've personally dealt with it with MANY MANY clients. They do, but their spouse doesn't and they vent about it even when I tell them it's up to their spouse to make the decision and they can't make them. And it's a higher ratio for many to MOVE ON, than to stay with them because they feel they will be unhappy the rest of their lives.
If you love him that much and are willing, then I wish you the best and hope it works out.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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OP, my heart goes out to you. I would suggest, strongly, that you talk with a professional yourself. If by any chance, you and your fiance have the same primary care physician, go talk with him/her. If you don't have the same, then talk with yours and get their opinion on talking with your fiance's doctor. But I think you need more help than you can find on MFP, no matter how well -intentioned.
I'm confused on how your fiance can be taking meds for depression/anxiety, but not seeing a doctor. Reputable physicians will NOT renew a prescription without seeing the patient regularly. I suspect your fiance may no longer be taking meds, or will be running out within the next several months.
I understand that you have trouble with being direct; you MUST figure out how to communicate with this man before you marry him! I'm an extrovert; I married a mildly depressed introvert. We lasted 15 years before the marriage failed. Never could figure out how to communicate with him, and we finally gave up. (He just shrugged when I was direct, or said "no" and wouldn't discuss further.)
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.3 -
OP, my heart goes out to you. I would suggest, strongly, that you talk with a professional yourself. If by any chance, you and your fiance have the same primary care physician, go talk with him/her. If you don't have the same, then talk with yours and get their opinion on talking with your fiance's doctor.
Because of medical privacy laws in the US the OP will not be able to get any specific medical information/comments on her fiance's condition.0 -
Just keep doing what you're doing with balanced varied meals for the both of you and not keeping a shed load of ice cream or whatever in the house. I've given up trying to help my other half to stop smoking/drink less and he was bulimic in his late teens so I'm not about to tell him he's fat. He knows I am losing weight in a sensible way and he follows suit to an extent. He doesn't weigh his foods or anything like that but he eats a lot less pizza, bread, and cheese if I'm cooking tasty food 0
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OP I might also suggest couples therapy, I know this sounds strange but couples therapy (especially before getting married) can help bring issues out in the open that may be hard to talk about. Sometimes having someone else there helps guide the conversation, alot of people go and see someone before they get married.1
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this isn't what you were looking for but I'm going to say it anyway. there is no way you can marry a person with food issues and keep yours under control at the same time. its the same that a meth user and a former meth user couldn't live together without the former user slipping and becoming a user again. a person with food issues dating a person with food issues is a bad idea. that being said love is love. you have to get this under control before you are married. you can start your life together as a team not as a fighter (you) and a victim (him). it will e hard but the journey can bring you guys closer. 300LB men have heart attacks and die. just saying. good luck0
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Hi! I'm the OP and want to thank all of you guys for your responses!
1. I definitely don't want to force him to do anything. I don't want to be like his past girlfriend (despite having food issues like her), who cut things out of his diet because she couldn't have them, etc. My mom was very interested in my weight growing up and I kind of blame her for my food issues. She would punish me for having off limit treats, and put me on a special k diet which was extremely calorie-and-nutrient-restrictive. All I want to do is talk to him and express my concern as his partner. He can do what he will with it. I will try to drop it after that, I agree that nagging will not do any good.
2. Can I nag him about going to see a doctor? Because he definitely needs to see one and I don't know what else to do. It has been a year since he's been, and he needs to get checked out to make sure it isn't something other than lack of activity and poor diet that is causing him to be so unhappy.
3. I have thought about what would happen if he continues on this path and ends up in poor health/passes away early in life. It is a very upsetting for me to think about, but yes, I will be there for him in sickness and in health. Thinking about it happening is horrible and I want to avoid that, but I know he would do the same for me and I want to be on his side no matter what happens.
4. My fiancé has diagnosed anxiety and depression and is medicated for both but no longer sees a therapist.
5. His weight is not the reason I want him to change. I mean, it will change as the result of being more active and eating better (NOT dieting) but he was overweight when I fell in love with him, and my main concern is his unhappiness (his headaches, fatigue, back pain) and his energy levels and how it affects our relationship. I love him for him, and he is way more than his weight.
6. I had considered sleep apnea! He does snore a lot when he sleeps and he sleeps just as long as I do (as far as I know, he may wake up while I'm sleeping) but still experiences sleepiness. I have even listened to his snoring to see if I could catch apneic episodes, but no luck XD I'll bring it up with him. One thing I may have not mentioned is that we moved states (one state over) and his sleeping problems seem to have gotten worse. We've put in a window air conditioning unit (our apartment unfortunately does not have air conditioning ...), put up blackout curtains, and I've tried sleeping in a different room (I was on vacation while he had to work) to see if I was the culprit. He still is sleeping poorly.
7. He's great at encouraging me to be healthy, which is confusing for me in terms of his own health. He is great at reminding me how good I will feel after a workout when I'm dragging my feet.
8. I am terrible at being direct. I have told him that I wish he took better care of himself, but I haven't really expressed how much I worry about him and how it keeps me up at night sometimes. Or how worried I am for our future if he keeps treating himself this way.
To me it kinda sounds like he already resents you for up and changing on him.You were a certain way when he met you, and now,your interests ,getting healthy, ,(which is great by the way) is not how he first knew you. It seems like when you invite him along ,and he doesn't eant to go with you,it's as if he is saying, that's your thing, not mine. Ask him if he is even interested in still being married, now that you have changed. Anyway, Good luck!! Hope it works out for the best.0
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