Concerned about fiancé...

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  • sympha01
    sympha01 Posts: 942 Member
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    OP -- your post sounds like you are very understanding, compassionate, and loving. So my question is, how comfortable are you with being DIRECT as well? Not just being direct about "you need to eat better and be more active" (not pushing a specific solution) but "I am worried about your health. Are you worried too? Do you want to get better? How can we work together to develop a plan so you can get better? What is stopping you/us from making a plan?" Be direct about your worry, and about your expectation that as his partner, you intend to be here for him to support him in making a plan and getting better.

    I'm not saying it will be easy, or that it's not scary. But you really sound like you're emotionally prepared to handle it!
  • sympha01
    sympha01 Posts: 942 Member
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    OP, when I was your age I was bad at being direct but trust a middle-aged lady, it's worth it to work on it. If you're a loving compassionate person then the people around you will only appreciate you more for it. It will remind them that you care. Just focus your statements on your care for him and that it's all about him, not what you want and you're not forcing or controlling him in any way. You're not trying to change him, you're trying to clear a path for him to feel better and be happier. Honestly, given the depression it sounds like he just needs help opening a line of communication up to understand what's getting in his way.

    I do not advise you to "nag" him or tell him what to do, that's a different thing entirely. Unless of course, after talking to him about a plan he actually /asks/ you to keep him accountable to the plan. That's a good thing.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
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    One tip is to write down your concerns then read your letter to him or have him read it on his own.
  • allenpriest
    allenpriest Posts: 1,102 Member
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    Living with him and sleeping with him make it much more difficult for you to set boundaries with him. If you weren't so connected you wouldn't be so confused. He either gets help and takes steps to get better or you need to leave until he does.
  • corinasue1143
    corinasue1143 Posts: 7,467 Member
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    Allergies?
  • kyubeans
    kyubeans Posts: 135 Member
    edited August 2017
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    I sort of feel your pain. My boyfriend is a little bit farther along in that he recognizes his life would be better if he ate better and exercised, but he hasn't gotten to the decision point. So I'm eating better and weighing things out, and he'll get the fast food or want pancakes in the morning and ice cream at night. I very consciously do not make him feel bad about his choices (coming from a childhood where I was shamed and berated for my body and food choices, I know exactly where this leads). But I do offer information when he asks questions, and I offer to cook healthier things if he wants them.

    He likes documentaries and science, so sometimes I'll engage him in conversation about food science and health debates and we'll watch documentaries on the topic. Maybe find a non-confrontational way to bring the topic up to him like this?

    Also, positive reinforcement works. If he makes a healthier choice, celebrate it. If he shows concern for his health and expresses a wish to change, make sure he knows you recognize how big a step that is in itself. But I would suggest as the others above have that you stay away from controlling, restricting, or criticizing.

    As for the doctor... I'm totally with you on this one. My boyfriend has been struggling with sleep apnea for years and years, and I have been suggesting that he see a doctor for it. I think he is avoiding the doctor because he's afraid of what he'll hear. I know I can't force it, I know I can't push him, but I'm concerned and anxious for his health as well.

    I've been considering options for it... Ranging from springing a surprise doctor appt on him (probably not a good idea) to making a bargain with him (something he wants for promising to make a doctor's appt and GOING). Not sure what to do.

    Maybe have a conversation where you completely open your heart up and express your concern for his health, not based on his weight but his unhappiness with it and his pain? I did successfully convince my boyfriend to stop smoking years ago, but not through nagging or forcing it, but because I just sincerely, honestly opened up to him about my anxiety about our future and his health. My emotions overcame me and I started to cry, and he asked in astonishment if I was crying because of my fear for his health. When I told him yes, I think he really took it to heart. It was gradual, but that was the point where he started to work toward quitting.

    Yeah now that I think of it, I think the direct heart-to-heart approach might be best.

    Good luck!
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,172 Member
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    I have two family members who resisted going to the doctor, but eventually went and both were given a sleep apnea diagnosis. They have that CPAP (?) thing and report much better sleep, and less fatigue during the day. One of them also had his depression meds adjusted, which he told me really made a difference.

    Would you consider going to a counselor yourself? Maybe talking through your anxiety about his health would help you learn some communication skills and help you learn to be more direct with him. If you're losing sleep over his health, it might be worth exploring how to cope with your worries, too.
  • Sp1tfire
    Sp1tfire Posts: 1,120 Member
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    You're doing what you can. Setting an example, and making good choices accessible. I am in a similar situation with one of my family members. I am afraid they on a track for diabetes due to their blatant disregard for nutrition. They are sensitive though and prone to emotional illness so I cannot say anything directly. I just do the grocery shopping and have good choices around, and cook healthy meals. This doesn't stop them from buying tons of ice cream and eating 4 cups after dinner, or going out to eat and ignoring that I have leftovers at home we can eat (and save money doing so!). It is quite frustrating, and I feel for you. I guess all you can do is hope that your example will 'click' with them one day.
  • timtam163
    timtam163 Posts: 500 Member
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    In the end, you are marrying this (presumably wonderful) man now, not the hypothetical future man who decides to change his lifestyle. As others have said, you may never change his behavior; how important that is to you is up to you.
  • laurenebargar
    laurenebargar Posts: 3,081 Member
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    IMHO it depends on his attitude. My husband would do the same things offer healthy suggestions, suggest maybe not drinking soda as much. He never said anything about my weight or tried to force me to do anything but I just ignored it. It wasnt until I decided I was ready that I started doing anything about it. And even then I didnt tell him for two months. im not sure why exactly, I think I was embarrassed at the thought of telling him and then falling off the wagon. Hes super encouraging now and occasionally will ask me questions like if I have a goal weight, or about smaller goals but hes never pushy about it.

    If your fiance wouldnt respond well to tough love approach, then I wouldnt use that. He truly does need to want to change. But that doesnt mean you cant talk to him about this. Do you guys ever plan on having children? Having him around for a long time and not having medical issues are definetly something to consider.

    Also I think he most likely isnt going to the doctor because he is in denial/embarrassed. And that he is going to need to work out on his own as well.
  • Polo265
    Polo265 Posts: 287 Member
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    ladyhusker39 wrote: »
    This post is full of contradictions. Either you love and accept him for who he is or you don't. You need to decide which one it is before you marry him.

    That's not true. She loves him and wants a long life with him.
  • Packerjohn
    Packerjohn Posts: 4,855 Member
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    wilsonunc wrote: »
    I know that he wants to eat healthy and exercise (swimming was his idea, he tells me how he wants to incorporate healthier options into his diet). But he can't commit. He has lost a little weight calorie counting and walking regularly but he fell off of the wagon.

    He also thwarts my attempts to get him eating better. He comes home with cookout milkshakes and will go out to eat instead of packing a lunch. He tells me he doesn't want to go walking or anything else because he is tired or has a headache, etc.

    Sorry he's a grown *kitten* man. You may think he wants to eat healthy and exercise but by his actions he obviously does not.

    He needs to decide on his own and get the job done. Best of luck.
  • Rusty740
    Rusty740 Posts: 749 Member
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    wilsonunc wrote: »
    Hi! I'm the OP and want to thank all of you guys for your responses!

    1. I definitely don't want to force him to do anything. I don't want to be like his past girlfriend (despite having food issues like her), who cut things out of his diet because she couldn't have them, etc. My mom was very interested in my weight growing up and I kind of blame her for my food issues. She would punish me for having off limit treats, and put me on a special k diet which was extremely calorie-and-nutrient-restrictive. All I want to do is talk to him and express my concern as his partner. He can do what he will with it. I will try to drop it after that, I agree that nagging will not do any good.

    2. Can I nag him about going to see a doctor? Because he definitely needs to see one and I don't know what else to do. It has been a year since he's been, and he needs to get checked out to make sure it isn't something other than lack of activity and poor diet that is causing him to be so unhappy.

    3. I have thought about what would happen if he continues on this path and ends up in poor health/passes away early in life. It is a very upsetting for me to think about, but yes, I will be there for him in sickness and in health. Thinking about it happening is horrible and I want to avoid that, but I know he would do the same for me and I want to be on his side no matter what happens.

    4. My fiancé has diagnosed anxiety and depression and is medicated for both but no longer sees a therapist.

    5. His weight is not the reason I want him to change. I mean, it will change as the result of being more active and eating better (NOT dieting) but he was overweight when I fell in love with him, and my main concern is his unhappiness (his headaches, fatigue, back pain) and his energy levels and how it affects our relationship. I love him for him, and he is way more than his weight.

    6. I had considered sleep apnea! He does snore a lot when he sleeps and he sleeps just as long as I do (as far as I know, he may wake up while I'm sleeping) but still experiences sleepiness. I have even listened to his snoring to see if I could catch apneic episodes, but no luck XD I'll bring it up with him. One thing I may have not mentioned is that we moved states (one state over) and his sleeping problems seem to have gotten worse. We've put in a window air conditioning unit (our apartment unfortunately does not have air conditioning ...), put up blackout curtains, and I've tried sleeping in a different room (I was on vacation while he had to work) to see if I was the culprit. He still is sleeping poorly.

    7. He's great at encouraging me to be healthy, which is confusing for me in terms of his own health. He is great at reminding me how good I will feel after a workout when I'm dragging my feet. :)

    8. I am terrible at being direct. I have told him that I wish he took better care of himself, but I haven't really expressed how much I worry about him and how it keeps me up at night sometimes. Or how worried I am for our future if he keeps treating himself this way.

    This^ in bold, this is what he wants from you. He wants a cheerleader, like he's been for you. You're it, both in this weight thing and in life. I mean to fall all over him and tell him how proud you are of his successes, real encouragement.

    One other thing, just for you. Now is the time (before you're married) that you need to be selfish, because you can't later, it's not fair to either of you. If you really think this is something that's going to ruin your marriage, then you've got to draw that line.
  • Moxie42
    Moxie42 Posts: 1,400 Member
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    AliceDark wrote: »
    I think it's okay to tell him that you need him to take care of his health so that he will be around for your future. Tell him that you need him to be here with you for a long time. After that, tell him that you will back off (and do so). There's nothing you can do to make him adopt healthier habits, and nagging him will probably push him further away from the behaviors you'd like to see. Be prepared to support him in any changes he wants to make, but he needs to take the lead now.

    I really like this response. You can't force him to do anything but you CAN explain why it's so important to you. You want a long happy life with him, and you're worried that it will be cut short if you're not both healthy. Maybe start the conversation with "I just need to get this off my chest and then I promise I will back off, I just need you to understand where I'm coming from" so that he'll be more open-minded to listening to you. This helped with my husband, and it worked for my friend who (after years of feeling upset and frustrated) told her morbidly obese mom "I want my kids to have grandparents"- her mom lost over 100 lbs and has kept it off for over 15 years. Sometimes people just need help seeing the situation from someone else's point of view.

    Also, as others have said, setting the example (which you're already doing) is great! It might take time but as he sees your results and your happiness from those results, he might slowly start thinking "hm, maybe I should give this a shot too." Another thing that helps me is when I see my husband coming home often with things like shakes, burgers, or ordering pizza when I'm not home, I find new recipes to try to make healthier versions of those things. At first I didn't tell my husband I was doing that though, because I knew he'd resist. It started with little things- I'd use PAM or a little olive oil in cooking instead of butter...oven-frying instead of deep-frying. AFTER he told me how yummy it was I'd say "yeah, I never knew _____ could be healthy AND yummy. Can you believe this has half the calories?!" It helped me "prove" that healthy could be yummy without it ever being a debate that I felt I needed to "win." It was something fun for BOTH of us, not something I was pushing on him. Now, some of those meals are his favorites and he likes it when I experiment with recipes! We both still make poor choices sometimes but it's never a "omg that was so bad!" kind of thing. Instead it's "well, we splurged on pizza yesterday so how about we go with a stir-fry and salad tonight?"

    In any case, I wish you both the best!
  • pwhitechurch
    pwhitechurch Posts: 72 Member
    edited August 2017
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    Speaking from experience, my hubby gained a little, and he likes to eat. He retired from the army almost ten years ago. My daughter and I have been logging our calories (we do it religiously). My husband likes nothing diet, period. However, he started watching us log in all the time, and he got curious. He started counting a little bit ( I put in his calories sometimes). He has dropped 15 pounds. He has about 5 pounds to his goal. I did not force him, we just lived the healthy life before him and he got on board. He doesn't log like us, but he has cut back on overeating drastically. Love him, married almost 22 years. Just continue living healthy in front of him, log in in front of him. When you love someone you will be concerned about their health.
  • KelseyRL
    KelseyRL Posts: 124 Member
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    I haven't faced this specific dilemma, but something can be useful on promoting healthier eating is having a food budget. It's a way to manage the food in the house and how often you eat out without any focus being on the 'healthiness' of the choices. If you can only spend X on eating out, it maximizes the amount of meals at home and then you can cook healthier options. And if it's simply not in the budget for either of you to buy lunch at work, then you have to eat the healthy lunch that's been prepared.

    If you do this, don't talk at all about how healthy or unhealthy options are, just cook things that you know to be healthy and then the two of you need to eat then because you've committed to not eating out. I found I instantly started eating better when we both agreed to not spend money buying lunch at work. Our only goal at that moment was financial, but better food choices was an added bonus.
  • timtam163
    timtam163 Posts: 500 Member
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    I also want to point out that there's no guarantee whenever you marry someone. My dad and mom were super active together for years; they were when they got married. Now my mom still runs but my dad barely walks and has gained a lot of weight and drinks a good amount.

    Forever is a long time.

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