My New Weight Loss Causing Some Issues For Others?

amaysngrace

Well, in the beginning, I announced to a few of my neighbor friends that I would be losing weight, since all I did was complain about how big I was. At the time, I was bigger than all of my neighbors. Well, one neighbor I was particularly close with, Abby, would say to me, "Do something about it then, if you want to lose weight." So, I did. I started off walking the blocks and asking any of my neighbor friends if they wanted to walk with me for support. They all declined, backed out, or made up excuses including Abby. So, I would end up having to talk with one of my guy friends long distance on the phone, for support while walking a mile around the block alone.

Once my weight begin to shift into the lower end of the 200's, I begin to feel more comfortable going to the gym and working out. So, I ditched my long lonely walks around the block and started doing cardio in the gym. Then, once I dropped more weight I began doing strength training, cardio, sit-ups, and air squats. I went from 238 pounds to 180. I have dropped 2 dress sizes and I am getting lots of male attention, that I am not really accustomed to, since I have been big for the past 10 years. I am not naturally big, but I got that way after college and having my child.

So, the problem is that Abby, who I thought was a good friend of mine and vice versa, is now avoiding me like the plague. When I first met her, I noticed she was sleeping on 2 mattresses on the floor, and I offered her a bed frame that goes my bedroom set and gave it to her for free. Also, I gave her sheets to go with it. If I was cleaning something out of the basement, I would see if she wanted it. If there was something in my freezer I didn't like, I would give it to her. Stuff like that. We also went out for my birthday several years ago and went to a play together. We have done things for each other. So, I don't understand why she is avoiding me like she is.

I know this she is avoiding me because every time I call her to just check on her, she does not answer her phone, yet I can look right outside my kitchen window and see her car there. And, she use to answer her phone most of the time when I called her, if she didn't she would call me back and say she missed my call. Now if she sees that I called, she wont call me back, even when I leave a message. And, I don't call her that much. Yet, when I was bigger this was not the case. Then, if I knock on her door because she lives one door over from me, she will not answer it. Yet when I have visited her a month earlier when she invited me in for coffee, I noticed she had her cordless phone on her and answered it every time it rang, the whole time I was at her house. Plus, when her doorbell rang, she would stop and answer it as well.

I don't know if I should say the reason for her avoidance is because I have lost quite a bit of weight and for the past 3 summers she was smaller than me. Now she is 175, and I am 180 pounds, but she looks more like she is 200 pounds because she does not eat right, or workout and she smokes. I have been told I look about 140 pounds. So, technically even though I weigh a little more than she does, I look smaller than she does.

This bothers me because she has been avoiding me for a month if she can help it, even though I can see her car outside and I know she is in her house. If I do happen to see her, she will just say, "Looks like your DIET is going well." And then walk to her car. I have seen her talking with my next door neighbor a lot, and visiting her constantly, when I am inside my house. So, my issue is why would my weight loss bother someone like this? Hell, the next door neighbor is smaller than the both of us, but she has always been smaller, so I guess it isn't an issue, plus she is not attractive. Anyhow, I have done nothing wrong to this lady but she treats me as if I have. Any advice or suggestions without bashing my face in or saying mean stuff to me? Thanks.

Michielynn222

I'd like to hear anyones ideas on this too.
Because My close friend of the past 4 years whom we jokingly call eachother 'wifey' no longer talks to me for the past month and a half!
It's rather upsetting!

amberlykay1014

I am so sorry that your friend is acting this way, and it is completely out of your control. I don't have much advice to offer, but friendships are always evolving. I would let her deal with her issues and I'm sure you will work it out when she's ready.

Congratulations on meeting your fitness goals. You look great! :flowerforyou:

greymane98

We tend to see ourselves in relation to each other in certain ways. When something in that equation changes (new job, new appearance, etc) some people don't like the new view. Whether envy, jealousy, insecurity, or something else, that is the way it is with a lot of people, right or wrong.

My suggestion is to make new friends (since you are going to the gym, that would be a great place to start) and just accept the reality with your neighbor. You can't change her views and it will likely not be worth the effort anyway.

AlongCame_Molly

Just rise above it. That's all you can do. If you confront her about it, it will just make things worse and possibly make her openly hostile.

Call her every so often to let her know you're thinking of her, invite her out even if you know she'll decline, and send her Christmas cards. That way she knows you still love her, and the only hard feelings are on her end. Maybe one day she'll grow up, but there's no reason you need to get sucked into her pettiness while she deals with her insecurity and jealousy issues.

alliemarie77

Why don't you "bump" into her, and ask her what is going on? Explain to her how you feel like she has changed, and that you would like to know the reason for it. Try not to make it about you thinking it is because you lost weight. Chances are there has been a miss understanding, and she got her feelings hurt.

amaysngrace

I am so sorry that your friend is acting this way, and it is completely out of your control. I don't have much advice to offer, but friendships are always evolving. I would let her deal with her issues and I'm sure you will work it out when she's ready.

Congratulations on meeting your fitness goals. You look great! :flowerforyou:

Thanks!

MB_Positif

I am sorry that your friend can't be supportive of you. She's obviously going through some tough stuff of her own. Maybe you should consider making it less about you and next time you call her leave a message saying that you miss her and are concerned about what's going on in her life. It might have nothing to do with you, she may be isolating for entirely different reasons and if you are coming off like she's avoiding you because of you that might make her feel worse.

AnnaMarieDinVa

Hmmm. I have had similar issues. It is not your fault that she is acting like this, and I can see why it would hurt. But she has personal baggage that is causing her to act like this. My advice is to continue to be pleasant to her, but not to call or or go over. I think that aggravates the situation. If she gets over her issues, she will call you. Which I hope she does. In my last similar situation, my friend was so jealous, she couldn't see straight, and to this day, we do not speak, which is sad, because we had a lot in common and could have been support for each other. Some people are insecure to the point that they like to surround themselves with people who are worse off, in their eyes, than they are. Sad, but true. Hugs to you, and I hope one day you two can be close again. In the meantime, try not to be hurt over this, and remember she has issues -- you are fine.

tmm_0127

I saw this article on CNN's Fit Nation site: http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/12/health/fit-nation-annette-relationships

When you make a big change in your life, it's not only that one aspect you're changing on purpose that's going to change at all. I agree with AllieMarie77 : find a way to bump into her instead of calling her, that way she can't really avoid you. Ask her how her life is going, see how she responds. Sometimes, even if as a person all that's changed about you is your weight and not your personality, people will think that you've changed so much that they can't really talk to you the same way again even if that's not true. If she still doesn't respond, then it's just her loss for losing a great friend.

AnnaMarieDinVa

Just rise above it. That's all you can do. If you confront her about it, it will just make things worse and possibly make her openly hostile.

Call her every so often to let her know you're thinking of her, invite her out even if you know she'll decline, and send her Christmas cards. That way she knows you still love her, and the only hard feelings are on her end. Maybe one day she'll grow up, but there's no reason you need to get sucked into her pettiness while she deals with her insecurity and jealousy issues.

I agree with this, too.

trialstyle

Just rise above it. That's all you can do. If you confront her about it, it will just make things worse and possibly make her openly hostile.

Call her every so often to let her know you're thinking of her, invite her out even if you know she'll decline, and send her Christmas cards. That way she knows you still love her, and the only hard feelings are on her end. Maybe one day she'll grow up, but there's no reason you need to get sucked into her pettiness while she deals with her insecurity and jealousy issues.

^+1

amaysngrace

Hmmm. I have had similar issues. It is not your fault that she is acting like this, and I can see why it would hurt. But she has personal baggage that is causing her to act like this. My advice is to continue to be pleasant to her, but not to call or or go over. I think that aggravates the situation. If she gets over her issues, she will call you. Which I hope she does. In my last similar situation, my friend was so jealous, she couldn't see straight, and to this day, we do not speak, which is sad, because we had a lot in common and could have been support for each other. Some people are insecure to the point that they like to surround themselves with people who are worse off, in their eyes, than they are. Sad, but true. Hugs to you, and I hope one day you two can be close again. In the meantime, try not to be hurt over this, and remember she has issues -- you are fine.

Thanks, I'm glad I am not the only one who is going through this, as we all are here to just improve our health and our lives. It just feels weird and a little unnerving, like I am in the twilight zone or something. It's already bad enough dealing with the stares from guys I would not have gotten 6 months ago, but then when people I have known for years, deliberately decide to not talk to me anymore, it becomes really shocking!

laughingdani

I'll never understand it, but there are some people that hate to see others succeed.

Don't let it deter you.

Congrats on your progress so far!

walkinthedogs

The reason is probably because she's jealous of your weight loss. The thing she doesn't realize is you have worked hard for your health. You've put in the work and it shows. Most people don't want to put in the work and so it makes them mad or uncomfortable or jealous or something when other people they know have done it. I also find it is hard for many people to truly be happy for others successes for some reason. Maybe do your walk around the block again a couple times a week and see if she wants to join you. Maybe she wants to but just needs some encouragement to get healthy like you have and is ashamed she didn't do it with you. People are weird and act weird for weird reasons, but just continue to seek her out now and again and don't talk about your losses at all for the first little while. One of my coach's lost quite a bit of weight and worked hard to get there and she looks awesome, but she talked about how little she was now and the fact she's in size 4 quite a bit, as in almost all the time. It did get sort of annoying after a while. She has since quit and has gone back to being her normal self and still a size 4, I think she was trying to get used to it also, and now she still looks absolutely awesome, but we don't have to hear about it all the time. I say keep extending that friendship branch a couple times a month and see if she eventually comes back around. Maybe write her a letter and tell her how much you miss seeing her and would love to have her join you on walks so you can catch up and be friends again.

PunkinSpice79

Hmmm. I have had similar issues. It is not your fault that she is acting like this, and I can see why it would hurt. But she has personal baggage that is causing her to act like this. My advice is to continue to be pleasant to her, but not to call or or go over. I think that aggravates the situation. If she gets over her issues, she will call you. Which I hope she does. In my last similar situation, my friend was so jealous, she couldn't see straight, and to this day, we do not speak, which is sad, because we had a lot in common and could have been support for each other. Some people are insecure to the point that they like to surround themselves with people who are worse off, in their eyes, than they are. Sad, but true. Hugs to you, and I hope one day you two can be close again. In the meantime, try not to be hurt over this, and remember she has issues -- you are fine.

^ ^ EXACTLY. LOVE this!

shearnerve

Reach out to her when you see her & ask her why she has been avoiding you. DON'T bring up why you think she is, let her know how unhappy her actions make you feel & how much you miss her friendship

gigglybeth

I'm sorry that is happening to you. Sometimes people react so strangely when we make changes in our lives. I don't know if it's jealousy or insecurity or throwing off the social order or what.

I went out with a few acquaintances and that I've known for a while and we all get along really well. For some reason, the one woman kept saying things about overweight people and every time she did, she would look at me like I was going to start crying or go off about fat people's rights or something. The first time, I could let it go, the forth and fifth times, I wanted to ask her what her problem was. But I let it go. I have to work with her for the next year.

Ultimately, it's not about me. It's about her feelings about herself that something she sees in me is triggering. It used to be that if I were getting attention for something and could tell others were jealous, I would back off or down play my accomplishment to make them feel better. I can't worry about everyone else's issues and how I effect them anymore.

ETA: Not to say it's okay to go around being a jerk (not that you or I were jerky to these other women), but if you are just doing your thing like you've always done and they suddenly get weird, that's their issue.

Dgadd17

Just throwing this thought out there; you can take it for what it's worth. It might be that she's embarrassed. She knows there are things in her life that need to change, just as you knew that. The difference is, you made the changes and bettered your life. She hasn't done that. Perhaps she's a bit ashamed that someone she (probably) saw formerly as undisciplined and unconcerned suddenly has the discipline that she wishes she had to get into better shape, quit smoking, etc. I have a friend who quit smoking several months ago. She's still one of my best friends, but I don't hang out with her as much as before she quit because I feel kind of guilty and embarrassed that I've not been able to quite get there with that particular vice. (I am smoking e-cigarettes most of the time, but still haven't quite kicked the real thing.) I'm afraid she might think less of me because I don't have that drive and discipline that she does. When I lost weight a few years back (which I've since regained), she didn't want to hang out with me as much for many of the same reasons.
I know it's not fair to you, and you wouldn't make her feel bad, but you need to let her know that as well.
Like I said; just my two cents.
Congrats on your amazing life change, btw! I'm just getting started, but I hope to reach many of the same goals.

kway610

I have not personally experienced it but I have seen both sides of this equation. At work, I had a lady feeling the same way as you. She started weight watchers and instantly became their poster child. OMG! She was having amazing success and her results showed right away. She was a kind person and did not mean any harm, but she was also the type to stand over someone’s lunch and point out how many points it was or even some low calorie substitutions for the crap they were eating. In that same scenario, I have overheard women bashing her and making comments on “how slutty she started to dress”. She didn’t dress slutty or revealing at all. She simply began wearing clothes that fit instead of trying to camouflage herself in clothes that were 2 sizes too big and traded in her mom jeans for fashionable ones. I can see how her actions would turn people off but on the other hand I saw people turning on her simply out of jealously. My point is, your neighbor/friend may simply be a jealous hag. But also take a moment to evaluate your own actions and make sure that you did not unintentionally push her away. When you two were still speaking, did every convo somehow shift towards your diet or weightloss? Did you unknowingly criticize her food choices? With all that being said, I’m sorry that you are going through this; hopefully, there are other support systems in your life that you can take advantage of.

labeachgirl

Most friendships are situational (job, distance, marriage, kids, success, etc), and when a factor changes, then the friendship tends to fade. Sometimes it's just not being able to relate anymore, and not a reflection on either person.