need some comforting words please, my parents hurt me and are not sorry... (long)
i have been staying with my parents for 2 weeks because i have been moving into a new place. i am constantly made feel like a child and my dad always complains that i am lazy but i know for a fact i am not, i just don't respond to stupid snotty passive-aggressive hints. (which usually they do all the time)
Today i offered to help my mum clean up and she said "no it's ok i got it"... i said to her "no it's ok i can help you give me a second".. and she started yelling at me saying "no you never move your @ss or do anything around the house, always lazy.. bla bla bla"
i was super upset because i had JUST offered to help but it's like anything nice i do is completely overlooked... i can never do anything right with my parents ... ever. they always make me feel so dumb and useless and they throw ANYTHING they do for me in my face like it's ok that they don't treat me with respect because they do things for me. which i know is emotional blackmail or something along the lines.
i said to her "i offered to help now you are saying i am lazy and never do anything i can't win" then out of NOWHERE she says "i can't wait to fking get rid of you, that's why me and dad are getting this place sorted for you so we can get you in i have had enough of you"
after 30 mins had passed she came into the room and acted like NOTHING had happened. ofc i was still upset and angry so i told her where she can go.
she and my dad went out for a couple of hours shopping and i stayed at home and cried my eyes out.
a few hours later when they came home i asked her if she was even sorry and she said .. "i have NOTHING to be fking sorry for, god no wonder you don't have any fking mates you scare them all away"
I shouted at her and told her she was a b*tch, that how could she be so fking nasty when ALL i did was offer to help. it just completely spiralled out of control because my mum decided she wanted to be as evil as she could be today for some reason. she also got my dad shouting at me i ended up storming out the house and finding somewhere i could be alone for an hour or so.
things had calmed down and my mum still wasn't apologising, so i apologised JUST to keep the peace because they are helping me move into my new place so it would be very awkward if the argument went on.. she still didn't think she did anything wrong. it was still all my fault.
anyway...SOMEHOW we are ok now.... but i am still hurting so fking much and i just want to cry all the time but i know i can't so i hide the pain. my mum still hasn't said sorry to me..... i feel so insignificant and unwanted i just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. i already hate myself enough and they just add the perfect parts to make me feel even worse about myself.
they seem happy that we are all fine again... i pretend to be fine but really i am hurting so much my heart hurts and i keep crying when they are not around and quickly dry my face before they see me.
my mum and dad never say sorry when they hurt me...and i am thinking that i might not see them or talk to them as often when i move in my new home..
i feel bad because my mum and dad seem so happy we are all ok.. but i am not ok. they don't understand how much they hurt me... and if i say anything no matter how nice i always get shouted at, or told to shut up.
i don't have anyone who i can talk to so any words of wisdom would be appreciated, and if you have read the whole thing thank you.
Today i offered to help my mum clean up and she said "no it's ok i got it"... i said to her "no it's ok i can help you give me a second".. and she started yelling at me saying "no you never move your @ss or do anything around the house, always lazy.. bla bla bla"
i was super upset because i had JUST offered to help but it's like anything nice i do is completely overlooked... i can never do anything right with my parents ... ever. they always make me feel so dumb and useless and they throw ANYTHING they do for me in my face like it's ok that they don't treat me with respect because they do things for me. which i know is emotional blackmail or something along the lines.
i said to her "i offered to help now you are saying i am lazy and never do anything i can't win" then out of NOWHERE she says "i can't wait to fking get rid of you, that's why me and dad are getting this place sorted for you so we can get you in i have had enough of you"
after 30 mins had passed she came into the room and acted like NOTHING had happened. ofc i was still upset and angry so i told her where she can go.
she and my dad went out for a couple of hours shopping and i stayed at home and cried my eyes out.
a few hours later when they came home i asked her if she was even sorry and she said .. "i have NOTHING to be fking sorry for, god no wonder you don't have any fking mates you scare them all away"
I shouted at her and told her she was a b*tch, that how could she be so fking nasty when ALL i did was offer to help. it just completely spiralled out of control because my mum decided she wanted to be as evil as she could be today for some reason. she also got my dad shouting at me i ended up storming out the house and finding somewhere i could be alone for an hour or so.
things had calmed down and my mum still wasn't apologising, so i apologised JUST to keep the peace because they are helping me move into my new place so it would be very awkward if the argument went on.. she still didn't think she did anything wrong. it was still all my fault.
anyway...SOMEHOW we are ok now.... but i am still hurting so fking much and i just want to cry all the time but i know i can't so i hide the pain. my mum still hasn't said sorry to me..... i feel so insignificant and unwanted i just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. i already hate myself enough and they just add the perfect parts to make me feel even worse about myself.
they seem happy that we are all fine again... i pretend to be fine but really i am hurting so much my heart hurts and i keep crying when they are not around and quickly dry my face before they see me.
my mum and dad never say sorry when they hurt me...and i am thinking that i might not see them or talk to them as often when i move in my new home..
i feel bad because my mum and dad seem so happy we are all ok.. but i am not ok. they don't understand how much they hurt me... and if i say anything no matter how nice i always get shouted at, or told to shut up.
i don't have anyone who i can talk to so any words of wisdom would be appreciated, and if you have read the whole thing thank you.
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Replies
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I think the light at the end of the tunnel is that you'll be moving out soon. I think that's a great move.11
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Maybe you can see if you can meet with a counselor or therapist of some sort to help get things like this off your chest and work on how you respond to it.6
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Take your parents to Dr Phil8
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Once you move out, you don't have to talk to them...5
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it's only 2 weeks..... *shrug
just spend the bulk of your time outside of the home.
gym, library, pub ( why not all 3 ?)
hang in there, kid5 -
Hugs
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once you move into your own place, I would tell them right off and not look back!, they are not nice at all., toxic!, you deserve better and can have it.5
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"Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud. Get it on paperback or electronic. Its super cheap to purchase. Or go find it in your library...which will get you out of the house. it really helps.4
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Will_Run_4_Food wrote: »TLDR
... i didn't realise i would attract such stupidity. i said it was long... so bye.
thank you to everyone who actually tried to raise my spirits. bless you xxx2 -
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I would suggest looking online for self help or self empowerment videos and courses. Marisa Peer is amazing and so is Mel Robbins. They both have free videos that you can watch on YouTube, and also offer books and courses you can purchase from their respective websites. There are also wonderful books about Verbal Abuse available from Amazon or your local library and since your family is in a very obvious cycle of being verbally abusive to one another, these books will help you to identify the problem and teach you strategies to deal with it. You want break that vicious circle now, before you choose a life partner who is also verbally abusive. Best of luck to you, remember even tho you feel unloved and unwanted, The Universe wanted you here or you wouldn't be here. Reaching out to this community is a good first start!3
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I'm sorry you're going through this. You'll have your own place soon.
In the meantime, shouting back isn't helping, and expecting impossible people to apologize isn't going to get the results you want. Keep the peace, for your own sanity, and also because it's bad manners to call someone names in her own house. You don't have to buy into her narrative. Just because she behaves badly doesn't mean you have to become part of the crazy. Think about it - which would upset her more, you shouting and calling her a name, or you smiling and quietly doing the cleaning without another comment? She clearly isn't bothered by the first. If you do the second, she will have failed to get a rise out of you. You win. Plus you get the satisfying feeling of being a grown up person. No one can make you feel like a child without your permission.4 -
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Will_Run_4_Food wrote: »TLDR
... i didn't realise i would attract such stupidity. i said it was long... so bye.
thank you to everyone who actually tried to raise my spirits. bless you xxx
I'm starting to understand why your parents treat you the way they do10 -
screw your parents they don't appreciate how cool you are hang in there you'll be out soon. Try to not pay attention to them if they're just being illogically rude. Try to spend time away from them, and make sure you have someone to talk to, anyone at all. I hope you get through it 2
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the parents.... what if they're right?12
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Relationships do not reach this level because of "two weeks" of house move.
From what you are saying there is a long built up resentment on their front. They are frustrated and snarky, and you are acting like a child.
What you say is riddled with you portraying them as "evil" and you portraying yourself as a "victim".
So the question is, what is the history that has made them think of you this way? Do you think that perhaps you are over-reacting? Do you think that you could try sitting down and speaking to them as an adult, without the shouting, screaming, accusations and blame-apportioning?
You say they don't realise how much they hurt you... do you realise how they may feel about things?
This section:
"Today i offered to help my mum clean up and she said "no it's ok i got it"... i said to her "no it's ok i can help you give me a second".. and she started yelling at me saying "no you never move your @ss or do anything around the house, always lazy.. bla bla bla""
...to me, that reads in one way. Your mum has been working (tidying, cooking, cleaning, whatever) and you have *finally* stepped in and offered help when a lot of the work has already been done and your mum is already tired. She snapped and told you to bugger off. You say that YOUR PARENTS are sorting the house for you, so not only are they doing that, but they are also caring for you in the meantime.
You are a guest in their house, act like one. You want to be treated like an adult, act like one.
You don't like it? Move out.
Honestly, if you were my child and spoke to me like that in my house I'd have thrown you out and told you to sort your own damn house.13 -
I don't have comforting words but I have these:
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SomebodyWakeUpHIcks wrote: »I don't have comforting words but I have these:
Keep the words, pass the corn nuts.2 -
Yeahhh I read through this a few times and I don't have encouraging words. You don't want to be treated like a child but when your mom snapped at you, you reacted exactly like a child would react, and what's worse, you continued the argument once she had left and came back, demanding an apology after you told her to go to hell. She shouldn't have snapped, but you reacted just as badly. Just a heads up, don't ever call your mom a *kitten*, at least not to her face. Even if she deserves it, you wouldn't be here without her. Have some respect.11
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TeinyWinehausen wrote: »Thanks for the flag!
They flagged you because you spelled Whut wrong. It is spelled wut2 -
First time one of my children called my wife a b*tch, their butt would be out the door so fast it would make their head spin.8
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tmanfromtexas wrote: »TeinyWinehausen wrote: »Thanks for the flag!
They flagged you because you spelled Whut wrong. It is spelled wut
Waaat?2 -
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Packerjohn wrote: »First time one of my children called my wife a b*tch, their butt would be out the door so fast it would make their head spin.
Right?
With a deep and lasting imprint of a size 10 Redwing boot on a their narrow *kitten*.4 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Packerjohn wrote: »First time one of my children called my wife a b*tch, their butt would be out the door so fast it would make their head spin.
Right?
With a deep and lasting imprint of a size 10 Redwing boot on a their narrow *kitten*.
I think what I'll remember most about this thread is learning we wear the same size in Redwings.9 -
1. Don't say anything. Prove the wrong with actions, and still say nothing.
2. Move out! Seriously, no matter how much I love my family, some members are toxic. Your relationship with your parents sounds just like that. It's perfectly normal to love someone and not like them. Especially family.
3. Be patient. This will pass, just grit down and remember that this is temporary.
****HUGS****2
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