Was independent, now home with a sabotaging mum, help?

UNLESS19

( please don't post nasty/sarcastic comments as in like trolling and that kind of thing
look at the guidelines if you're unsure what's acceptable. I don't mind if you don't agree etc and if i don't agree with you that's cool, i can see another perspective This is a genuine question/struggle, you don't know me or the details/full situation. i'm sick of people who troll people or are horrible too people on here when they need your help, not someone to be unhelpful and mean. thanks so much!)

Also ok it's NOT sabotage but it's complicated and i can't say no to my mum without her getting angry and blowing up, hence why it's a bit of a delicate situation. She's more just, not supporting me and so on

So while i started my 1st year of uni i gained so much weight, my diet was horrendous and i became quite overweight/very unhappy. I decided to take back my life and change my diet, get a fitness regime and get healthy/loose weight.

Being in uni i could stay away from processed food etc unless i was having a treat and so on. i signed up to my fitness pal and have a calorie and exercise goal, and due to being very short (under 5ft) i have to eat less than 'average' people

Now i've moved back home I told my mum about my lifestyle change and that i'm happy to make dinner for us all or eat separate so i can carry on. She now still (not purposely) sabotages my lifestyle as she gets processed meals (sometimes 700 cal for one meal! which isn't good when it's not very filling and you're on a calorie restricted regime) she also cooks things that aren't very healthy, filling and are high in calories, so i struggle hugely and end up basically getting very hungry and under-eating to cope!

How can i deal with this or get through to her to help me? I would sit her down and talk but she only sees things her way and gets annoyed very easily. i don't want to upset and annoy her, but i want to get healthy and happy again! I love my mum but it's hard to cope with control being taken from you and having someone who's not supportive or helpful. anyone else have this problem- feel free to add me and we can work stuff out together
Thanks in advance!

JenMc14

Buy your own groceries and cook your own meals.

auddii

Buy your own groceries and cook your own meals.

This. You've offered to cook, and she didn't seem to take you up on it. I'd buy your own groceries, and just cook something healthy. Make something that makes good leftovers. You can offer her some, and if she wants her own meal, just put the rest in the fridge for the next day.

labeachgirl

Are you able to afford to buy your own foods? If so, perhaps if you approach it in your mind as a roommate situation?

When I lived with roommates, they'd have their own things and I'd have mine. When I moved back home for a brief time, I treated them a bit like roommates and still bought my own food because my parents ate processed stuff. Perhaps cook your own hot dinner when she has a hot dinner, that way you're not suffering with a salad while you're smelling something good. lol

britzzie

Buy your own groceries and cook your own meals.

This. You've offered to cook, and she didn't seem to take you up on it. I'd buy your own groceries, and just cook something healthy. Make something that makes good leftovers. You can offer her some, and if she wants her own meal, just put the rest in the fridge for the next day.

^^^This^^^ I moved back home recently, so I know. You are still in control of what you eat. You don't have to eat what she (and the rest of your family eats.) It's only a problem if you let it be.

Nefetete

Doesn't seem like she is forcing you to eat the food she cooks. Just make your own & join them for dinner.

Seriously when I am over at my parents they always have a ton of food ( healthy or not) and the day ends with either cake, ice cream or whatever they want. Mom offers once or twice and some days I partake other days I pass.

Basically its your choice what to eat, you can't expect other to change just because you did. This is your journey not theirs.

UNLESS19

thanks so much for the suggestions! It's only a problem as i KNOW my mum will go in a mood with me and get peed off if i do my own thing.. not sure why but she will and that's another thing i'm worried about
thanks so much again

PepperWorm

This is not sabotage. She cooks the food. She doesn't make you eat the food.

Maybe you should adjust your calorie goal if you're always hungry.

JenRun1

I agree with the others, buy and cook your own food. It's really the only way to control what you want to control.

_Brown_Eyed_Girl_

I'm not meaning this to be rude but, you're doing this for you and not your mom. You have to do what you can to take care of yourself and if she gets mad about it, that's all on her not you. I agree with other posters, bring in your own food, cook your own meals, and do the best you can with the environment you're in. Even if that means making large batches of healthy meals and freezing them in portions so you can just pop them in the microwave. If she gets mad at you, it might be uncomfortable for a bit but be honest with her and hopefully she'll respect what you're doing and ease up.

stefjc

I love my mum but it's hard to cope with control being taken from you and having someone who's not supportive or helpful.

This bit.... stop and think for a moment. You have moved back home, your mum's home, full of the joys of having got to grips. But what about your mum? Her control?

Remember she is you mum, used to cooking for you, cleaning for you, thinking for you.... you have moved back all changed and partly grown up - I say that tapping 50 years old and still a child in my parents eyes. How supportive or helpful do you think she feels you are? Are you accidentally, in your quest to remain in control, ignoring your mum's needs, maybe making her feel wrong/bad?

Buy it and cook it for yourself. Offer to cook for two. But please do remember that the problems you have outlined go two ways... and your mum hasn't changed, you have!

I warn you though - no matter how successful you are your mum will never, ever, ever see you as a fully functioning adult. And if you call her on it she will get all hurt and defensive. But, just before your head explodes and you stand up for yourself it is always useful to remember - that's her job, she's your mum! And everyone elses mum does a version of it.

As Larkin wrote: This Be the Verse [edited to be polite ]

They [screw] you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were [screwed] up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

AEMW8

Even if it irks her, remind her that you are an adult. Buy your own food (write your name on it if you want) and cook just for you.

FearAnLoathingJ

The only way someone can sabotage you is if they sat on your chest and forced food into your mouth. You really don't have the right to expect someone else to change their eating habits because you are. Buy and cook your own food and you will be fine.

_HeartsOnFire_

This is not sabotage. She cooks the food. She doesn't make you eat the food.

Maybe you should adjust your calorie goal if you're always hungry.

^^^ This!

tapirfrog

The only way someone can sabotage you is if they sat on your chest and forced food into your mouth. You really don't have the right to expect someone else to change their eating habits because you are.

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

TribeHokie

thanks so much for the suggestions! It's only a problem as i KNOW my mum will go in a mood with me and get peed off if i do my own thing.. not sure why but she will and that's another thing i'm worried about
thanks so much again

So talk to her about it. You're an adult and allowed to make your own choices. If she wants to get mad and pout because you're doing something good for yourself then SHE needs to deal with that, not you.

Add me to the group that says to buy and cook your own things. What is more important to you, what you eat or keeping your mom happy regardless of the cost to yourself?

Also, and PLEASE don't take this the wrong way as it seems you are quite sensitive to negativity, but it really is a bit unreasonable to put yourself out there on the internet and not expect at least one or two opinions/comments that you don't like. Blatantly asking people to refrain from negative feedback might make it worse. I've seen people torn up on these boards for coming across as having an attitude like that.

Pixi_Rex

and due to being very short (under 5ft) i have to eat less than 'average' people

How can i deal with this or get through to her to help me?

First - NO. I am under 5ft tall I also have a thyroid issue and still eat 1500 calories a day and lose weight so ... just NO. You do not need to eat less than an averager person to lose weight.

How do you deal with this? 700 calories is not over the top, if you eat a normal amount of food than its no big deal, my dinners are generally 900 - 1000 calories. However being as your mom is taking care of the food, what if you were to only eat half of what ever it is you are eating and add a salad with grilled chicken or something filling?

Sit her down and just tell her "mom I appreciate you cooking for me but let me help, I will prepare the sides or the main dish. If she doesn't like that option just don't eat it. Buy and cook your own food if you have to, but I have found offering to help make dinner is a big thing. I spend a lot of time at my moms (my choice) she always cooks and she is a good cook, she has learned I eat half. Some days I send her recipes and say "hey next time I am home lets make this together!" majority of the recipes I have sent her have no become a regular part of her daily meals.

There are tons of ways to get things to change. However; your mom is not sabotaging you, she is simply cooking food.

tapirfrog

Also, and PLEASE don't take this the wrong way as it seems you are quite sensitive to negativity, but it really is a bit unreasonable to put yourself out there on the internet and not expect at least one or two opinions/comments that you don't like. Blatantly asking people to refrain from negative feedback might make it worse. I've seen people torn up on these boards for coming across as having an attitude like that.

You know, that's a very good way of putting it. I tried briefly to figure out how to say that and then saw this post, which does it way better than I would have. Saying "If you post something nasty or sarcastic, I'll report you" is like taunting people: "I dare ya!" You may not have meant it that way, but that's how it comes across.

Edited to quote your original words correctly.

Sooze_1975

Let her read your post. Maybe she won't listen to you if you sit her down, but maybe her reading what you wrote in a question for help will get it thru to her. I know that would be easier said then done, but maybe you could even let her read it and tell her it's someone else, not you, see what she says.

Epyhon

I know it is hard sometimes with family & roommates to eat healthy. I had a roommate who was vegetarian. She would often prepare meals because she liked to cook with enough for me. I ended up eating less processed foods and actually cut most meats out of my diet while we lived together. Maybe you can get ahead of your mum by starting to cook before her so that she is less likely to start an unhealthy meal.

RoyBeck

Eat what she cooks. Two words here - portion control.