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How would you convince someone you love to take their blood pressure meds?
icemom011
Posts: 999 Member
in Debate Club
I'm hitting the wall, time and time again. For the last three years my spouse knows that she has high blood pressure. It's controls pretty well by the meds, no any known or notable side effects that she's experiencing. Problem is, she constantly stops taking it, just quits, quietly, not saying anything to me. I notice at some point, question that move, we talk, argue, i plea and bargain, and she takes it for a time until the next halt. And we go through another round of the same. Well, today i checked her blood pressure and it was high, so i asked if she was taking bp medicine, and after few moments of trying to dodge the question, she said no. So i have some family and close friends history with stroke, her mother had stroke, she can't do simple things for herself ever since, and I'm terrified that can happen to her. I mean, nothing else worked, not any holistic approach was able to bring it down at all, and it was given many tries. So now I'm just so upset and i feel betrayed, because why would you knowingly jeopardize your health? I mean, i understand when people end up in ICU and they never had a clue that their blood pressure is too high, but when you know and still find a reason /excuse to ignore it? What's your take on it? What should I do? Accept it, keep on fighting? Thank you!
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Replies
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1. Has she offered any reason?
2. Would she welcome an accountability partner?
3. If so, put the pills in a bubble pack in a public place.
Shock and fear are poor motivators.2 -
Yes, reasons being that she's against medications, pharmaceutical companies and doctors in general, side effects of medications, holistic way of treating illnesses, things like that. So accountability partner isn't going to help. I don't know what else to do, how it's not an obvious answer to treat this condition with what works, a proven, long enough on the market and safe enough pill that helps?1
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I'm so sorry. If she is set against conventional medications there's nothing you can do. As much as you love her and want her to have the best quality of life, you can't force her to take the meds. It has to be her decision.3
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Would dietary changes help her?
Would she be willing to try?
Sorry I can offer nothing else.
Cheers, h.2 -
Yes, reasons being that she's against medications, pharmaceutical companies and doctors in general, side effects of medications, holistic way of treating illnesses, things like that. So accountability partner isn't going to help. I don't know what else to do, how it's not an obvious answer to treat this condition with what works, a proven, long enough on the market and safe enough pill that helps?
is she doing other things to try and lower her blood pressure?3 -
Back before I knew him my husband had high blood pressure diagnosed at work check ups, he never had any symptoms. It never suited him to have the additional investigations so did not go onto the would have been advised medication. After he was no longer desk bound he became more active and lost significant weight naturally, the bp situation did not change.
Then earlier this year he went to the doctor about something else. This time, still without symptoms his blood pressure was again picked up. May be its because he is older now, or he respected this particular doctor, he consented to having the background blood tests and started on pills a few months ago. He is not pleased to be on pills for the rest of his life but he accepts them, now. He has his own bp monitor and still without symptoms his bp is within the expected range. In the last year, prior to taking the pills, I'd thought he was looking more gaunt and this is no so now.
May be this particular doctor explained things to him better, knowing his own family history over the last 30 years, knowing how hard I have fort to achieve better health for myself, (I've learned not to trust doctors) but being 67 has been the right time for him. No two people are the same. He never set out to worry me, I had to recognise it is primarily his life, before it is ours. I hope at some stage your wife will realise the benefits for her and then yourselves and she takes these pills.2 -
My husband also is on BP meds. He stopped taking them once and had an incident. I was livid. Honestly I went off on him like I never have in all our years of marriage. It seemed such a ridiculously stupid thing to do I couldn't help myself. This might not have been the best response and I did feel bad later, but he has never done it again.4
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I used to be the one who would be bad about taking my BP medicine. I wouldn't not take it purposely, I'd just forget.
My wife would rage, cajole, plead, use logical explanations, whatever. None of it worked.
Until one day, it did. I just woke up and said "You know self, you've been right stupid about this medicine thing. Just (censored) take it. Its not that hard." And I haven't missed taking it since. There wasn't one magic argument from her that did it, but they ALL had a cumulative effect in making the change happen in my noggin. So keep fighting.
Don't be argumentative. Be supportive. Remind her daily "Did you take your BP medicine?", things like that.3 -
It sounds like you are doing everything you can do. It has to be her decision. My mother in law will not take her BP med. I check it for her and my husband and I are constantly trying to get her to take it. She has a number of silly excuses and our efforts on her are wasted.
I personally feel that the 30 second inconvenience of swallowing a pill is a pretty weak excuse compared with the risk of stroke, but apparently a lot of people don't feel that way. Keep trying to talk to her, but as hard as it is, you may have to just accept that she is an adult who knows the risks...1 -
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Yes, reasons being that she's against medications, pharmaceutical companies and doctors in general, side effects of medications, holistic way of treating illnesses, things like that. So accountability partner isn't going to help. I don't know what else to do, how it's not an obvious answer to treat this condition with what works, a proven, long enough on the market and safe enough pill that helps?
She is in a state of cognitive dissonance. Trying to fight her fears head-on will only dig her in deeper. It's like a Chinese finger trap. The harder you pull the more entrenched and withdrawn she becomes. The way out is to agree with her. Don't threaten to yank her away from her cherished (false) beliefs. Gently coax her towards a more relaxed way of thinking. It takes a while.
If it were me, I'd state the fact of her current BP numbers, and brainstorm some holistic cures she might try for a week. Then test again. You can be her accountability partner for taking charge of her health, even if it is wandering around trying all kinds of ineffective treatments for a few months. You and I both know the holistic cures are not nearly enough, but you can't deny her "reality" head-on. Let her figure it out on her own.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/10/19/fighting-cognitive-dissonance-the-lies-we-tell-ourselves/3 -
My dad had two strokes, had such high blood pressure that the nurses and doctor was over him frantically trying to reduce it, two clogged arteries, and high cholesterol.. And he refuses to take his meds.. I can't make him.. Same reason as your wife as well.. Enemy pharmaceutical company. We were given a list of foods he can't have.. Which he complied with for awhile, then he just got sick of it and told everyone he can do whatever the hell he likes. So I just cooked for him the way we are cooking for everyone else here.. A high fat diet in good fats and low carb. He had a heat stroke and went back in. He had an MRI and none of his arteries were clogged. BP and cholesterol was down to reasonable levels as well. They told us to keep doing whatever it is we are doing. Uhm, feeding him everything we were told not to?
Not saying do this with your wife.. There are different causes, but if she prefers homeopathic remedies, you may ask her doctor about diet.5 -
Yes, reasons being that she's against medications, pharmaceutical companies and doctors in general, side effects of medications, holistic way of treating illnesses, things like that. So accountability partner isn't going to help. I don't know what else to do, how it's not an obvious answer to treat this condition with what works, a proven, long enough on the market and safe enough pill that helps?
Is she doing anything to lower her BP? Or just "LALALALALA IF I IGNORE IT, IT WILL GO AWAY"
Sadly, you can't MAKE her take them, but I would get a big *kitten* life insurance with her and let her know that you are doing it so when she drops dead from a completely preventable issue, you won't be stuck in debt for medical bills/funeral costs. It sounds mean, but sometime blunt force is the only way to get through to people.7 -
You need to bring in professional help and find out why she isn't taking her meds. Not taking meds is a symptom of a deeper root cause. She needs to address that first.1
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If this pattern is to continue I would try to see if another method could work. If overweight lose some, exercise more and maybe change her diet. I did all of those and my pressure dropped. My bad cholesterol also dropped 50 points. Not a perfect plan but if it can help it could be a win, win. I would make it a habit for both of you to do a daily pressure check.0
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I would tell her she had a choice, keep being a nitwit with dumb opinions or stay married. I cared for my father after his stroke. No way I'm doing that for someone who could have avoided it but chose not to. She has the right to make her own decisions about her own body, but not to involve someone else.
Also, since she has repeatedly proven to be a liar, I would expect her to take them in front of me every day.
Edit: By the way, I read your post to my husband, and his response was almost identical to mine. He used the word "selfish" to describe someone who would intentionally burden their spouse with their care.8 -
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She does not want to take the medication. She only takes it to shut you up when you freak out.
I think you have an issue where you believe one thing (medications help, doctors help, untreated this could lead to a serious problem like a stroke) and she believes another (pills/doctors are bad, alternative methods are better, my problem isn't that bad). That is a huge difference in approaches to health/life.
Can you let her treat or not treat her health issues as she sees fit?
Does it scare you enough to say to her, "Refusing proven treatment for your condition is too risky. I won't watch you do this to yourself." and be prepared to leave the relationship if she won't take the medical route?1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »My husband also is on BP meds. He stopped taking them once and had an incident. I was livid. Honestly I went off on him like I never have in all our years of marriage. It seemed such a ridiculously stupid thing to do I couldn't help myself. This might not have been the best response and I did feel bad later, but he has never done it again.
I understand very well what you just posted. When my husband (years ago) refused to see the doctor and later on take meds, I also blew up on him. I told him that he could tell me all day long that he loved me and our children, but his selfish action showed that he didn't give a damn. I also told him that we needed to have all our "papers" in order a medical power of attorney and DNR clause, just in case he had a stroke, We did all that.
He changed his mind; he is now very compliant with his medications, goes to the doctor as needed and has his health and weight under control. A lot changed with him as he got older and saw friends and acquaintances with kidney damage due to high BP, partially incapacitated due to strokes, or when he attended their funerals.
Sometimes people need to hit bottom before they change their approach to weight, activity and health. The problem is that when they do hit bottom, they carry the family dynamics down the tube too.
OP maybe you can talk to your wife and explain that her love for you and the family means taking care of herself too. Burdening parents, spouses and children due to selfishness is not the right way to love.9 -
I was kinda like that. refuse to get on blood pressure pills, was a sign of weakness for me.,, I am not on them, and do not have high blood pressure now. changed my lifestyle. but I do understand how she feels, totally.1
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There's no excuse for her behavior, and it is extraordinarily selfish. You are clearly terrified of losing her, and that should be enough, but the truth is that you both could, and I would bet she hasn't thought much about that.
My father had a terrible stroke at 58, and has been in diapers, and had to have constant care ever since. He tries to get up several times every night, and can't participate in any of his hobbies in the slightest. He obsesses over the mail coming, appointments, visitors, synchronizing the clocks, etc, and harasses my mother about all of it constantly. There is frequent talk of putting him in a nursing home, but it would cost thousands every month, and utterly break his heart.
It is emotionally abusive to you to not consider how the consequences would effect you, and prioritize that over her irrational hang-ups.7 -
Thank you, as far as diet goes, she's good. We cook wholesome, healthy meals, she takes some supplements, i encourage lower salt options.
I have a medical background, so because of it I'm sometimes labeled partial to conventional medicine. I don't know what is the cause for high blood pressure, she has no insurance and haven't had blood work for a couple of years. I read all the responses , and it's so inspiring and supportive. I feel a little less alone. She tried to talk to me last night, and i couldn't at all at first. I can't accept this, and although i haven't threatened with leaving and not taking care of her if something happens...i don't think i can ever leave her or do anything of a sort, it's just so frustrating. She tried to tell me how she could do different things to make it work, and one by one, i reminded her how we tried and it didn't. I will try not to fight it so much head on, thank you for this insightYes, reasons being that she's against medications, pharmaceutical companies and doctors in general, side effects of medications, holistic way of treating illnesses, things like that. So accountability partner isn't going to help. I don't know what else to do, how it's not an obvious answer to treat this condition with what works, a proven, long enough on the market and safe enough pill that helps?
She is in a state of cognitive dissonance. Trying to fight her fears head-on will only dig her in deeper. It's like a Chinese finger trap. The harder you pull the more entrenched and withdrawn she becomes. The way out is to agree with her. Don't threaten to yank her away from her cherished (false) beliefs. Gently coax her towards a more relaxed way of thinking. It takes a while.
If it were me, I'd state the fact of her current BP numbers, and brainstorm some holistic cures she might try for a week. Then test again. You can be her accountability partner for taking charge of her health, even if it is wandering around trying all kinds of ineffective treatments for a few months. You and I both know the holistic cures are not nearly enough, but you can't deny her "reality" head-on. Let her figure it out on her own.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/10/19/fighting-cognitive-dissonance-the-lies-we-tell-ourselves/
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TavistockToad wrote: »Yes, reasons being that she's against medications, pharmaceutical companies and doctors in general, side effects of medications, holistic way of treating illnesses, things like that. So accountability partner isn't going to help. I don't know what else to do, how it's not an obvious answer to treat this condition with what works, a proven, long enough on the market and safe enough pill that helps?
is she doing other things to try and lower her blood pressure?
Yes, some supplements (waste of money, in my opinion ), diet. Not so much on exercise, but she's not overweight, maybe could benefit from being more physically fit at the moment, but it's not an easy one too. I can't seem to motivate exercising together, there's always something gets in the way.0 -
It sounds like you are doing everything you can do. It has to be her decision. My mother in law will not take her BP med. I check it for her and my husband and I are constantly trying to get her to take it. She has a number of silly excuses and our efforts on her are wasted.
I personally feel that the 30 second inconvenience of swallowing a pill is a pretty weak excuse compared with the risk of stroke, but apparently a lot of people don't feel that way. Keep trying to talk to her, but as hard as it is, you may have to just accept that she is an adult who knows the risks...
She cried last night, i held her. Felt so bad. I might have been a bit rough. So one of the reasons for quitting it this time was that her ankles are swollen, so she's retaining water. And that's the dreaded side effect. Ughh. Her ankles aree not swollen, but she doesn't believe me. I told her, that i would be the first one to notice and point it out. Today, when we were having breakfast i saw that thw blood pressure pills were back in her little pile. Sigh of relief, but for how long? I'm just so scared. Told her that she might never have a stroke, but if she does, it will suck sooo bad.3 -
It sounds like you are doing everything you can do. It has to be her decision. My mother in law will not take her BP med. I check it for her and my husband and I are constantly trying to get her to take it. She has a number of silly excuses and our efforts on her are wasted.
I personally feel that the 30 second inconvenience of swallowing a pill is a pretty weak excuse compared with the risk of stroke, but apparently a lot of people don't feel that way. Keep trying to talk to her, but as hard as it is, you may have to just accept that she is an adult who knows the risks...
She cried last night, i held her. Felt so bad. I might have been a bit rough. So one of the reasons for quitting it this time was that her ankles are swollen, so she's retaining water. And that's the dreaded side effect. Ughh. Her ankles aree not swollen, but she doesn't believe me. I told her, that i would be the first one to notice and point it out. Today, when we were having breakfast i saw that thw blood pressure pills were back in her little pile. Sigh of relief, but for how long? I'm just so scared. Told her that she might never have a stroke, but if she does, it will suck sooo bad.
Is this the first BP med she's been on? Has she discussed the side affects with her doctor? Maybe she just needs her med(s) adjusted.0 -
It sounds like you are doing everything you can do. It has to be her decision. My mother in law will not take her BP med. I check it for her and my husband and I are constantly trying to get her to take it. She has a number of silly excuses and our efforts on her are wasted.
I personally feel that the 30 second inconvenience of swallowing a pill is a pretty weak excuse compared with the risk of stroke, but apparently a lot of people don't feel that way. Keep trying to talk to her, but as hard as it is, you may have to just accept that she is an adult who knows the risks...
She cried last night, i held her. Felt so bad. I might have been a bit rough. So one of the reasons for quitting it this time was that her ankles are swollen, so she's retaining water. And that's the dreaded side effect. Ughh. Her ankles aree not swollen, but she doesn't believe me. I told her, that i would be the first one to notice and point it out. Today, when we were having breakfast i saw that thw blood pressure pills were back in her little pile. Sigh of relief, but for how long? I'm just so scared. Told her that she might never have a stroke, but if she does, it will suck sooo bad.
Swollen ankles are also a side effect of high blood pressure.4 -
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I'm not on BP pills, but a lot of the pills I am on the side effects have been mostly temporary and in a lot of cases there have been other meds I could take to reduce the effect of the effects while i adjusted to the meds.
Perhaps a visit with the doctor would be a good idea? Have a talk with her doctor alone about your concerns, if she's signed a HIPPA form (if you're in the US) giving the doctor permission to discuss her case with you, you should be able to meet with them if your schedule an appointment. If not the doctor, maybe a nurse practitioner or physician's assistant. Then have them meet with her, and explain everything about high blood pressure, why she has it, what the risks are, what life after a stroke is like, how dangerous it is to go without the medications, etc. You can bring up her concerns about side effects and how to mitigate them during the appointment where the doctor explains everything, and it would be a good idea for both of you to be there, but you not say much, just to give support.
A lot of people turn to alternative medicine, even though alternative medicine is nothing but woo, because the alternative medicine "doctors" take TIME with their patients. They explain things to them, all in an effort to get you to spend lots and lots of money with them, of course, but it makes the patient feel good - and that gets them sales. It's just psychology and the alternative medicine "doctors" are good salespeople.
You can't make her take her meds if she doesn't want to, but you can encourage her and help educate her. Her doctor, if they are any good, should want to educate her too, because they do want to keep her alive (dead patients don't make appointments
I'm kidding, most doctors want to save lives, the money is just a bonus) and healthy! 3 -
I agree with you i kind of see it same way. I don't think she wants to hurt me in any way, and she's a wonderful person. So, in short, no,not prepared to walk away. I won't do that, and i can't give up either. I will try to talk about it again, because today, when i saw the pills out, i didn't say anything, i don't want her to feel being under microscope and under constant scrutinyand judgment. Maybe we can agree on somethingShe does not want to take the medication. She only takes it to shut you up when you freak out.
I think you have an issue where you believe one thing (medications help, doctors help, untreated this could lead to a serious problem like a stroke) and she believes another (pills/doctors are bad, alternative methods are better, my problem isn't that bad). That is a huge difference in approaches to health/life.
Can you let her treat or not treat her health issues as she sees fit?
Does it scare you enough to say to her, "Refusing proven treatment for your condition is too risky. I won't watch you do this to yourself." and be prepared to leave the relationship if she won't take the medical route?
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I hear ya! It's better than possibly having a stroke/heart attack and those have far worse consequences if you live through one (you'll have to be in the hospital for a while, will need to take other meds, etc). Uncontrolled high blood pressure can lead to aneurysm, damage to your eyes' nerves, heart failure, damage to your kidneys, bone loss, damaged and narrowed arteries, trouble sleeping, memory loss, stroke, heart attack, pulmonary edema, complications in pregnant women (preeclampsia or eclampsia), etc.
If all else fails, tell her that you can't imagine a world without her in it.
Ask her if the roles were reversed, would she want to live without you? I'm not being overly dramatic, high blood pressure is dangerous. It's too late for to wish she had taken meds if she gets damage from it. Hang in there, you are a good spouse. 
(PS I know many on the meds and they have no side effects from taking them, there's many types of BP meds so if one is bothersome, she can take another).
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