Anyone else receive disapproval from partner? Or have a S/O who believes false information?
Replies
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alondrakayy wrote: »My husband is the 'bro' type and comments here and there about my eating habits. I do CICO, and only focus on protein as far as macros go. If I EVER complain about my weight loss he'll be happy to remind me that the Hot Cheetos I ate the night before (ya know, the little bit that I weighed and counted for like a crazy person) probably are the reason. It used to be worse until I told him he was getting on my very last nerve. However, I never made it to where it was difficult for us to have an occasional night out. I can have my (whatever fits) meal and he can still eat whatever bro stuff he wants.
My husband doesn't lift legs.
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Well it’s true, I’ve never been the type of guy that always wants their spouse/girlfriend to stop working out and getting stronger. I respect women who work out, I admire them actually. I’ve never understood why a husband/spouse critices their wife/girlfriend when they are trying to make positive changes in their life. Life is a journey we all travel, why not have somebody by your side that is strong and free willed?5
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I am on the other side and have the most amazing S/O.
We workout together, cook healthy together and support each other.
I feel for you. I Understand suggestions but to down right not support you, I couldn't deal with.
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I too had that issue for awhile... Wife thought my intermitten fasting and low carbs was killing myself. Now she has had some friends and family do the same thing, and it seems to be okay. The only thing you can do is be patient and try to explain things when they are willing to listen. Now my wife is doing keto with me, God willing we stay on it together, because it seems when both husband and wife work together as a team it is tons easier.3
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Similar husband issue...foodie and a wine tasting guy. As mentioned above, I did start to NOT discuss it with him, even at home. Helped to defuse the emotions on the issue. We never did stop going out and my job is a 50/50 travel position so I have to deal with out eating a lot.
When with husband, I manipulate him ordering first ( I have become so indecisive
)then I get something really small...not usually a real meal. It is too late for him to "encourage" a different order at that point and men rarely make a scene in front of a waiter. If he pursues complaints during dinner, I put effort into changing the subject...defusing seems to be working really well. If the meal is several served courses, I either wave it off with my hand or talk through while he eats and ask if he wants any of mine. I might even cut it up or move it around to imply I am into it. Sometimes a bite or two or three, if it fits my plan that day. I don't starve myself during the week or that day. Sometimes I have no idea we are going out.
For wine tasting, I sip once and indicate I don't find it appealing, even if I do. Even the same wine can taste different in every bottle so if I drink same at a later date...it is easy to justify. I like the phrase "it just doesn't taste right to me". We talk about the make up of the wine, pro/cons but I don't take another sip. Eventually the server removes it. If the tasting includes several wines or beers, I just do that for each one. What this eventually did was prompt my husband to share tastings instead of wasting an order on me...but THAT WAS HIS IDEA.. I never told him I was avoiding for calorie/diet issues.
I suspect the cost of the meals/drinks, while you wear him down, wont be much of an issue for you. I always fall back to a shrug of the shoulder and say, I just don't like it, do you want the rest of it? Hard for him to argue with my taste buds. I never avoid going out on dates with my husband and if he springs it on me, when I have not "saved" calories, I just exercise these techniques rather than exercise my body to death.
I follow a similar sort of process for desserts or when we take the kids for ice cream. I "think" longer than they do about what to get, then decide after they order, I just want any. I may take a taste of what they have. I may even tell them I want to taste what they have before deciding and then just not get anything.
Don't get me wrong, I am a very strong independent female...but I almost think that my husband enjoys the "weaker sex" concept that all this indecisiveness implies. It reminds me of dating, when I wanted to impress him. not scare him off. He eventually noticed the weight loss, how it made me feel and though we still don't discuss it, have both accepted the joy of the experiences together by removing the focus on the food. It was a learning process for both of us.
I wont lie, it took a few months but I stayed true to my plan. Didn't discuss my chosen dietary plan with him...ever. If he asked about it, I blew it off casually. Men think differently than women and if you don't discuss it, it is not really happening. I do agree with previous posts about the fear men can have over change and I also think that many men, as they age, deal with more emotional strife over their lost youth than they like to admit. I believe many/maybe not all, men need a break from the grind of being a responsible grown up...facing a wife's dietary issues when they want that break is against all they hold holey.2 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »icecreamlovermfp wrote: »It’s not worth it to me to eat steak that’s infused with butter unnecessarily or potatoes that are roasted in oil when I can make the same thing at home. I cook for us (and I cook well) but he genuinely enjoys dinners out and “foodie” activities regularly. I understand I can work around it in my calorie count, but it’s not fair to me to be hungry all day to have an unnecessarily calorie laden meal with him.
Essentially he doesn’t believe in CICO and thinks I’m changing our lifestyle (eating out, going to bars, wine tastings etc frequently) for no reason. To him, he’s frustrated because it’s like I’m saying gibberish to him. I showed him MFP, I showed him things online about CICO and he just denies it.
I hate his strain on our relationship and really want to go back to my comfortable weight without starving all day to accompany him for dinner. How did you get your partner to come around?
This last part confuses me. Why must you give up eating out, going to bars, wine tastings, etc. when you know how CI<CO works. Surely every place you go out to eat doesn't have a menu of only butter infused steaks and potatoes cooked in oil. Just order something you like that fits your calories. You don't have to starve all day, just don't overeat when you go out.
If going to all these places is what you normally do and now you don't want to, you are changing your lifestyle. It's not just him saying that. It's not just him putting strain on the marriage.
I would suggest sitting down and talking about this rationally. You want to make some changes. He doesn't. Compromise is needed.
Because often eating out for dinner actually does imply having to starve yourself all day.
It really doesn't work for me to go out for dinner, for example, as I typically am more hungry during the day and it's hard to save even 600 calories for dinner... and I've found extremely difficult and frustrating to stick to 600 calories when I go out if I don't want bland food (I'm a foodie, having to order grilled chicken and steamed veggies for $15 when I go out makes me want to cry).
I mean, once in a while, sure... but when I could make something tastier and more satisfying at home for less money and less calories, I'd be kinda peeved if I had to spend money for bland, boring food, all the time because my husband wanted to go out.
I envy people who can just 'order something they like that fit their calories', when a bowl of soup alone can be 300 calories and not filling at all. Most restaurants are really not calorie-conscious, and when they are, you often have to pay extra for it too... and all those 'no butter no extras' make for very bland, boring food.3 -
Back in 2011, I got married, we bought a house and I started a desk job at a great company
...... fast forward 4ish years......
My husband starts occasionally mentioning things about my weight. Nothing hurtful, but I would get a little angry about the mention of my weight. It's fine.... I haven't gained that much... Until one day I decided to step on the scale and I realized what he was getting at. I swallowed my pride and got over myself and started on my journey to lose the weight I had gained. Still kinda struggling most days but I'm almost back to my 2011 weight!2 -
Reading about spouses & SO's who are so concerned about what their partners eat, especially at restaurants, is kind of alarming. It's really controlling -- red flag! (Thanks to the one who posted the DV resource.)
If a partner is risking his/her health (whether weight too high or too low), then I understand the objection.
If a partner is restricting or putting new demands on the other, I understand the objection.
If a partner is only in it for a short-term eating-out, wine-tasting partner in crime, they should acknowledge different goals and go separate ways.
Notwithstanding those things, longer-term couples should be able to adjust and accommodate reasonable healthy goals. Life can throw much, much tougher stuff at a couple. Guy likes to eat out every night? ok, can he compromise on where -- so you can pick a few places with simpler offerings where you can reasonably count accurately-- or cut it down to 3 or 4 nights? Restaurants make counting harder, and yes, they do add caloric ingredients you would probably omit at home, but you can make it work... and enjoy it, too!2 -
I find the relationship dynamics, especially those of self-interested spouses (seemingly mostly husbands) to be very interesting. Broad strokes, I think that sort of behavior signals some other aspects at play (perhaps distrust, jealousy, maybe some manifestation of guilt). I've have always taken the approach that spouses should be supportive of one another to help foster the other's best self. In a way, I think that's what the OP's husband is trying to convey, just doing so within the rigid confines of what he feels is correct and what he demands their shared lifestyle to entail.
Ultimately, I think this is a difficult topic to navigate for any couple, especially if there's the added element of distrust or suspicion attached to the other's perception of what's driving the desired change. My wife and I have our philosophical differences about health and nutrition but have come to a place of balance and agreement. She only likes running (watching her attempt a push-up is hilarious), refuses to log calories or weigh herself, and will begrudgingly use our food scale to weigh meat for dinners, only at my urging. It even took months of convincing for her to track her running mileage and progress with a GPS app (while I am a data fiend with an eight-tab spreadsheet for weight and workout tracking).
More often I get push-back and/or disapproval from other family members or friends. I will commonly get "you'll just look scrawny if you lose any more weight" if I mention trying to drop fat around one of my bro-tastic (and paunchy) friends. My mom frequently and needlessly mentions how skinny my wife and I are, yet refuses to take any of the advice I try to instill about CICO, portion sizing, or creating a deficit with nutrition rather than exercise. My in-laws both lost a ton of weight on a physician-supervised shake program, and promptly gained weight back when they went back to their old eating habits, much to their confusion. Though they wrote off my advice when I said that only consuming 800-1000 liquid calories/day wasn't sustainable. My vegetarian-bordering-on-vegan sister-in-law is dumbfounded by the amount of protein I consume (at least 1g/lb BW) and comes up just short of condescending when discussing food sourcing, ingredient profiles, or most non-vegan food sources.
However, this is an arena, like so many others in society, where there's a superfluous and erroneous push to have right/wrong dynamics, which often only serves to muddy the water and diverts us away from primary goals, both individually and collectively, whatever that may be. Seems like every third thread gets hijacked into a raging debate about something, whether it's CICO, food ingredient quality, artificial sweeteners, macro distribution, veggie/veganism, paleo, or, my favorite, whether or not your count vacuuming and sex as exercise calories. Don't let an insistence on being right and/or proving someone else wrong get in the way of being better collectively or individually.
This. This this this this. I so agree.
My partner is generally very supportive of me, and when I asked for a house rule of 'no more than one restaurant trip a week', explaining that while in deficit I'm just more comfortable with eating what we make, he agreed without hesitation. This isn't a change from our lifestyle (we have a small child, so eating out needs to be worked around sleep schedules, etc; plus we're really homebodies in a lot of ways), just an explicit stating of what I'm more comfortable with. Likewise, he has requested that while we're on holiday or doing something celebratory, that I go into maintenance, rather than staying at deficit. Fair enough, it's good practice for when I'm maintaining all the time.
The key thing is that we both know that while we have opinions (sometimes very strong) and experiences (sometimes very positive or negative) that are different from the other's, both are equally valid. He may think I'm a nutter for waking up at 6 to go for a run or do strength training every day. But he would NEVER try to prohibit me from doing so, or manipulate me to change. I make sure I am quiet as I can be to respect his sleep. For both of us, the balance, respect and smooth functioning of our relationship is extremely important. When one isn't pulling their weight, or is being too pushy, we address that. Neither of us defines the other. Rather, we are defined (to a certain extent) by how we work together, in equal partnership.7 -
Boiled down, it sounds like the main problem is he doesn't care about what you know and thinks he knows better then you about your own body. You may want to try and change the message to something that he will 'hear' but since he is pretty fit, he may not actually hear it. Just because something worked for him, doesn't mean it will work for you.
Is he like that in other aspects too? Always right, always the expert?0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »icecreamlovermfp wrote: »It’s not worth it to me to eat steak that’s infused with butter unnecessarily or potatoes that are roasted in oil when I can make the same thing at home. I cook for us (and I cook well) but he genuinely enjoys dinners out and “foodie” activities regularly. I understand I can work around it in my calorie count, but it’s not fair to me to be hungry all day to have an unnecessarily calorie laden meal with him.
Essentially he doesn’t believe in CICO and thinks I’m changing our lifestyle (eating out, going to bars, wine tastings etc frequently) for no reason. To him, he’s frustrated because it’s like I’m saying gibberish to him. I showed him MFP, I showed him things online about CICO and he just denies it.
I hate his strain on our relationship and really want to go back to my comfortable weight without starving all day to accompany him for dinner. How did you get your partner to come around?
This last part confuses me. Why must you give up eating out, going to bars, wine tastings, etc. when you know how CI<CO works. Surely every place you go out to eat doesn't have a menu of only butter infused steaks and potatoes cooked in oil. Just order something you like that fits your calories. You don't have to starve all day, just don't overeat when you go out.
If going to all these places is what you normally do and now you don't want to, you are changing your lifestyle. It's not just him saying that. It's not just him putting strain on the marriage.
I would suggest sitting down and talking about this rationally. You want to make some changes. He doesn't. Compromise is needed.
Because often eating out for dinner actually does imply having to starve yourself all day.
It really doesn't work for me to go out for dinner, for example, as I typically am more hungry during the day and it's hard to save even 600 calories for dinner... and I've found extremely difficult and frustrating to stick to 600 calories when I go out if I don't want bland food (I'm a foodie, having to order grilled chicken and steamed veggies for $15 when I go out makes me want to cry).
I mean, once in a while, sure... but when I could make something tastier and more satisfying at home for less money and less calories, I'd be kinda peeved if I had to spend money for bland, boring food, all the time because my husband wanted to go out.
I envy people who can just 'order something they like that fit their calories', when a bowl of soup alone can be 300 calories and not filling at all. Most restaurants are really not calorie-conscious, and when they are, you often have to pay extra for it too... and all those 'no butter no extras' make for very bland, boring food.
In that case it would seem that both sides will need to make some concessions or simply decide not to eat dinner together all the time. It is no more fair to expect someone that enjoys eating out a lot to give that up than it is to suggest the other go hungry all day to accommodate dinner out. Maybe suggest eating lunch or brunch out instead of the evening meal. Look for restaurants that offer healthy options that aren't bland. Go to the wine tasting and spit the wine.2 -
BobbieSparks2 wrote: »My Husband is very disapproving of me wanting to lose weight and doesn't like the thought of me lifting weights either. He does the same things to me on our date nights and gets very mad at me when I tell him that I can't have what he wants me to have when we eat. He tells me that I exercise to much and lift to often. He also recently told me that all my male friends (some I've known all my life) had to go and that he didn't want me talking to them anymore. Oh and just in case your wondering, no he's not over weight. He has a very muscular build. To be honest, we don't really look like we should be a couple.
This saddens me. My husband and I don't look like we go together. But his is super supportive even giving up his down time to watch shows so I can do just dance because I don't feel like running. The only problem is our meals because we don't eat the same thing most days. Really no problem on his end. I eat my main dish and then make side we both like and enjoy. He just adds extra butter and salt to all him meals. I hope your husband supports you more! He sounds afraid he may lose you as you get healthier all you can do is show him that isn't it and hopefully he will grown out of this.0
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