Does anyone have spouse or S/O that doesn't help?
mtbusse73
Posts: 93 Member
I guess what I'm trying to say is (I'm so glad she's not going to see this) that seems like my S/O doesn't seem interested in trying to eat better or get any excercise which in turn makes it easier for me to slack off. And I'm not trying to pass the buck or sound selfish.
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
9
Replies
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Is she forcing you to eat things you don't want or to slack off on the couch when you actually want to exercise? Because if not, isn't it her decision whether or not she goes down the same road? I really fail to see why she would need to chance her lifestyle the moment you decide you want to get fit. Discipline needs to come from within, not from external factors.9
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I don't expect my husband to make changes just because I am. He makes it very easy for me to slack off and not workout, or to eat takeaway or food that doesn't fit my goals, and it's up to me to stay the course, because I do me and he does him.11
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GoldenEye_ wrote: »Is she forcing you to eat things you don't want or to slack off on the couch when you actually want to exercise? Because if not, isn't it her decision whether or not she goes down the same road? I really fail to see why she would need to chance her lifestyle the moment you decide you want to get fit. Discipline needs to come from within, not from external factors.
She just doesn't want to do anything. My energy level is up and hers declines daily it seems.6 -
I think counting on your spouse to change to keep you on track rarely works out. You do you. If she sees you making good progress maybe she will make her own changes. Maybe not.
Get some friends on MFP or do some challenges if you need some buddies.
My dh lost 30+ lbs eating whatever he felt like without calorie counting and not exercising. What he puts in his mouth and how much he moves does not keep me from doing what I am doing. I have actually not lost as much as him but probably have a more balanced diet. I'm not competing. I have improved from where I started.
My dd was underweight and needed to gain about 20lbs. She will exercise with me sometimes. What she had to do did not keep me from doing things for me.
Now knowing that I can't be as sedentary I have a pedometer to help me increase my activity level. I do short workout videos. I have some weights. I log my food every day. I tend to put more vegetables on my plate. I weigh myself once a week. I am not perfect every day.
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It's on HER to make the decision on whether or not she wants to join in. You CAN'T force people to do what they don't want to, and if they are forced, they don't stick with it.GoldenEye_ wrote: »Is she forcing you to eat things you don't want or to slack off on the couch when you actually want to exercise? Because if not, isn't it her decision whether or not she goes down the same road? I really fail to see why she would need to chance her lifestyle the moment you decide you want to get fit. Discipline needs to come from within, not from external factors.
She just doesn't want to do anything. My energy level is up and hers declines daily it seems.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Better call Saul...
I had a boss who used to say “if it’s to be, it’s up to me”3 -
Will throw in my two cents. I bet the OP understands it's up to him. And I get it, it's up to you, but it's an additional challenge to have a spouse that isn't in the same space, both mentally and physically. Just piping to say I get it, and I'm sorry you're going through your journey with this additional frustration. My hub was totally supportive, helped me count calories for each serving, was great both when I was heavy and when I was losing. But also did not join in other than offer verbal support. And that was fine with me, despite sometimes wishing he would. It was what it was, and is what it is. I just eat less and sometimes don't have the side dishes he does. I think it's actually a rare case where both spouses are on the same page and doing the same thing. Good luck to you!17
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I’m doing IF and my husband likes to eat ice cream before bed. He’s helping me work out my will power.9
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it was. challenging last 4mo because my wife wasn't really doing the same stuff as me food wise, and since I cook I had to do dual meals.. but now she's on board.. so never know, maybe they change when they see you change6
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I guess what I'm trying to say is (I'm so glad she's not going to see this) that seems like my S/O doesn't seem interested in trying to eat better or get any excercise which in turn makes it easier for me to slack off. And I'm not trying to pass the buck or sound selfish.
Thoughts?
mine isn't.. but he doesn't have to... i'm doing it for me.3 -
My husband is thin and def not dieting. I ask him not to buy takeaway or hide his chocolates. He doesnt always do this so i just have to accept it. I do all the cooking though so if he doesnt want my low carb healthy dinner he has to sort his own food out which sometimes he whinges about but im not cooking 2 dinners every night!!4
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Yep! It's hard to make the same food for both of us most of the time. My husband loves to poke fun at me for loving simple, wholesome foods like chicken and potatoes with a veggie on the side. He says I am so "boring" with my food choices / cooking.
Thankfully I'm the cook and I usually get to pick what we eat. If not, we'd probably be eating bologna and cheese sandwiches or totino's frozen pizzas on the reg. . .
You gotta be the strong one and hopefully influence your partner or at least don't give in to what they tempt you with. This is hard, my husband does this all the time. . . "what do you think about ordering pizza tonight?" "how about we go out to eat tonight?" lol. . . I rarely give in. 1 -
Even though my husband is very fit our goals don't match up.
He needs nearly 4000 calories compared to my 1600.
You have to stick to your own goals.
You knew she wasn't madly in to fitness when you got together. You're just expecting her to change because you have and that's unfair.8 -
I feel your pain. I recently divorced and my ex was very unsupportive. When I met him I was the healthiest I had ever been, but he did not like that it impacted his lifestyle. He told me he loved me regardless of how much I weighed and I let that give me permission to spiral out of control.
My best advice to you is to stay true to what you want. Health and fitness is a very personal journey. She may not eat what you eat or exercise when you want to but hopefully she can be supportive of your goals.3 -
Hubby isn’t joining in, apart from the occasional walk. He isn’t unsupportive though- he’s encouraging and tells me he’s proud of my hard work. BUT... there is a benefit to him not joining in. After I’ve weighed and dished up my meal, he eats all the leftovers that I don’t want sitting around tempting me- and leaves me with the leftover salad or veggies for lunch the next day! Win!!!3
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CarlydogsMom wrote: »Will throw in my two cents. I bet the OP understands it's up to him. And I get it, it's up to you, but it's an additional challenge to have a spouse that isn't in the same space, both mentally and physically. Just piping to say I get it, and I'm sorry you're going through your journey with this additional frustration. My hub was totally supportive, helped me count calories for each serving, was great both when I was heavy and when I was losing. But also did not join in other than offer verbal support. And that was fine with me, despite sometimes wishing he would. It was what it was, and is what it is. I just eat less and sometimes don't have the side dishes he does. I think it's actually a rare case where both spouses are on the same page and doing the same thing. Good luck to you!
I totally agree with this. My husband says he's on board and wants to do it too and will watch the boys so I can go to the gym but everytime I ask he hem and haws about it so I never get to go unless I'm up at 4am and with a baby and an energetic 4 year old I don't want to lose that sleep. The deal was on my days off he would take the boys on his 1hr lunch break so I could work out. (The gym is across the street from where he works and the gym doesn't have a kid center and no we can't afford the gym that offers that service)0 -
My husband is not working o out or counting calories at all.
I do 95% of the cooking, so I just make food that I can easily make work with my goals and he just eats as much as he wants of it. He snacks in the evening, I usually don't- but sometimes a save a few calories for popcorn with him. We just air-pop it now instead of the movie butter we used to do.
Really, I'm in charge of me and that's all I can do. He will happily go on walks or hikes with the family, he plays with the kids, but right now he isn't concerned about his eating at the moment.
I was overweight before him, it's not his fault I got too big, and it's not his to change.1 -
To the OP, how long have you been working on yourself?
When I started tracking calories and working out in a gym last year, I think my wife simply thought it was a fad that would run its course, and that I wasn’t seriously trying to change and be healthier. Now that the “newness” has worn off, she better accepts that I am going to watch what I eat and continue with training.
That’s not to say that she’s effusive in her support, although she does appreciate some of the muscle definition that has developed.
All that said, I will echo what a lot if others have written: You have to do it for yourself, not for somone else. She may be in a different place and mindset and not ready to change with you yet, if that’s what you are looking for. Show her some support and she might jump on the bandwagon, too.0 -
There are many here who either don't have supportive spouses or their spouse has a different goal. When you seek to change yourself there is resistance to progress both in your environment and within yourself. The default is to set back in comfort and experience the status quo.
Changing to a healthy lifestyle is hard and it is supposed to be hard. Push through the resistance. Find supportive friends and community such as MFP.
Talk to your spouse about your goals and frustrations. Communication. Communication. Communication.
The most important person you lead everyday is yourself. Set the standard. Be the example.
Let's Do This!2 -
I was that wife a few years ago. My husband decided he wanted to enlist in the military, so he took it upon himself to lose his excess weight and get in shape. 5 AM almost every morning he was in the gym, cutting back on how much he was eating, trying to be more healthy - me, I still indulged in everything and had zero interest in any type of physical activity beyond walking into a restaurant for a tall glass of beer (or three) and a big burger. He stuck with it and was successful. Around two years later, and I was finally ready to make changes too. Seeing him work hard to improve himself did help inspire me to want to do the same - but it took time for *me* to be ready for that change. You're going to have to find your own inner strength to work towards your goals... and maybe you're wife will come to the point where she is interested too if you keep at it.6
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Dont count on her.....its for you unless youre using it as an excuse not to better you!1
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I guess what I'm trying to say is (I'm so glad she's not going to see this) that seems like my S/O doesn't seem interested in trying to eat better or get any excercise which in turn makes it easier for me to slack off. And I'm not trying to pass the buck or sound selfish.
Thoughts?
My thought is that you are doing a fine job of passing the buck and sounding selfish.
My figuring is that you don't do your cooking. Learn to do so and cook for yourself. If she wants your cooking, share. You might can trick her into a calorie deficit.
My Mrs. also isn't interested in trying to eat better. It's been a couple of years since I've changed and she's already experienced the loss-gain yo-yo and knows how to do it. If she cares to do it again, she knows what to do. Meanwhile, I know what to do and do it.1 -
I have a bit of a different situation. I'm not married but I live with family members. I'm also a diabetic and a food addict. They have a huge sweet tooth. We share a kitchen and there are donuts, cakes, cookies, ice cream, candy, fast food, pizza and just about every other kind of snack and treat you can think of in my face 24/7. It's like an alcoholic living above a liquor store. I'm ultimately responsible for what goes in my mouth and I know that, but it's frustrating having no control over my environment and I feel like there's no real support. They can't exercise with me and they continually offer me things they know I'm not supposed to eat. I feel very alone sometimes. Moving elsewhere is financially impossible right now, so I'm stuck.3
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Sometimes you just have to do your own thing and resist temptation and if they want to change they will.
Take last night in my house:
My husband and I went to the store to get stuff for dinner. He decided while he was there he wanted to make chicken finger subs, he bought enough stuff for both of us to have one and I bought stuff to make soup. After talking it through and realizing how he was planning on cooking it (deepfrying) I realized I didnt have the calories last night. So I made my soup, and had just a small chicken finger with no bread/cheese/mayo. Although I wanted what he was having I resisted. He still got to have what he wanted by cooking it himself and I got to have what I wanted by cooking myself. Some nights our meals just dont pair up, but we are both adults and can cook ourselves. Another thing we both tend to do is make enough of whatever we are making for both of us to have it. Either we will both eat it, or we have meals for lunch the next day.
My husband doesnt need to lose weight but hes always been pretty active and was trying to get me out and doing stuff with him for the past few years. It wasnt until I decided I wanted to change that I started going out and doing things with him. Now we go hiking almost every weekend and take the dog on walks for several hours every night, its been a total game changer in regards to our relationship, however had he guilted me into doing this before or tried to force me into it I wouldnt have enjoyed it and it simply would have created tension in my marriage.1 -
GoldenEye_ wrote: »Is she forcing you to eat things you don't want or to slack off on the couch when you actually want to exercise? Because if not, isn't it her decision whether or not she goes down the same road? I really fail to see why she would need to chance her lifestyle the moment you decide you want to get fit. Discipline needs to come from within, not from external factors.
She just doesn't want to do anything. My energy level is up and hers declines daily it seems.
It's hard when it's a question of different energy levels. My BF is in PT for two bad shoulders that they can't fix surgically; his energy level is down from where it used to be, and he wears out much more quickly than he used to. That part stinks, because I like him and want to do things with him, but his needs are sometimes different from mine, and that has to be okay. That's pretty normal in a relationship; sometimes we're in the same place at the same time and at the same speed, but more often than not, we're trying to juggle and compromise and diverge and come back together to make sure both of our needs are met.
Talk to each other. Find things to prioritize, so she's being asked to share some things with you but isn't expected to change everything just because you want to. Try to find things that she might enjoy, so it's about the two of you and not just about you.2 -
Ehh, my husband belongs to the same gym as me and sometimes he joins me and other times he doesn't. He will often buy junk food to bring home, sometimes he will surprise me with cookies or candy that he knows I like but I know it's not because he's trying to derail me...he's just trying to be nice and not realizing how much it could throw me off. It can be very difficult to resist that temptation, or to get off my butt and exercise on days he's comfortable watching TV on the couch all day, so I understand where you're coming from. I do all of the cooking, and 99% of the grocery shopping which means that I have a lot of control over what food comes into the house and what we have for dinner. He's always welcome to anything and everything I prepare, and if he doesn't care for it he can find himself something else. It is a HUGE help to be the one in charge of meals, because even if I don't go to the gym I know I can still make healthy choices for my day. He does want to eat healthier and work out more, which is a little easier than if he refused to do anything and complained about the amount of vegetables on his plate.
It is hard when you both have different goals (IE: Yours is to become healthier, and hers is to remain the same), and sometimes there is a level of jealousy, paranoia about other men/women, or even resentment that comes from one person making a lifestyle change while the other doesn't. It shouldn't be the case, but it happens and can cause a rift when there needn't be one. If you've explained why you want to be healthy, and have invited her to join in your journey, that's all that you can do. If you invite her to the gym, or for a walk, and she declines then you know you've done what you can for her and now you need to focus on you. If you're looking for motivation, come to these boards for advice, and leave her out of it until she decides to change her own lifestyle.0 -
I guess what I'm trying to say is (I'm so glad she's not going to see this) that seems like my S/O doesn't seem interested in trying to eat better or get any excercise which in turn makes it easier for me to slack off. And I'm not trying to pass the buck or sound selfish.
Thoughts?
I totally get what you are saying and yes, I have such a spouse. Luckily, his laziness means I do almost all the cooking so I cook healthy meals for us which he happily eats. Then he makes himself a sandwich or two after dinner. I'm fine with the food part honestly, but I do wish I could get him more into exercise. It's so tempting to snuggle up with him and play a video game or watch a movie when I know I need to exercise.1 -
My spouse has helped immensely. She lets me spend the money I feel is important to me on the gear I want and doesn't question my eating habits. Not sure what else I can ask for. Whether or not she decides to engage in any of it is completely up to her - not me.1
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My husband is thin and active so even though he isn't specifically "dieting", he doesn't really hurt my routine. I cook most of the time, so he just eats what I make in bigger quantities than I do. Luckily my kids actually eat most of the things I make when I'm calorie counting. Husband cooks occasionally, but even then, it doesn't mess me up because the only thing he knows how to cook is grilled meat and microwave steam in bag veggies, and occasionally a really easy chili recipe. We have a regularly scheduled pizza nights, so I know when they are coming and can work the rest of the day around them.
I guess I'm lucky in that regards... I imagine it's really frustrating if SO isn't on board and doesn't try to be supportive. Good luck!0 -
I would venture to guess that more people have spouses that don't share their goals when it comes to health & fitness than do. Just seems normal to me- another temptation that has to be handled just like fast food on every street corner.
And as another poster mentioned, shared goals don't make things equal. My husband's calorie allowance is twice what mine is. He pretty much eats from the time he gets home until he goes to bed, and he is much more fit than me. It's a bummer I'm never going to be able to eat like that with him, but that's life.0
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