"You look so much ... 'healthier!'"

emilyvictoria7

I don't know if there's something in the air or what. Maybe I'm just super sensitive lately but in the past three days I have not had just one but three comments from various colleagues regarding my weight loss. In the last year, I've lost 60lbs and dropped from a size 20 to a size 12/14. There have been some significant changes in my face, and obviously in my body as well. I have about 50lbs left to go for a healthier 160lbs vs. my original 270lbs.

I'm a female in a male dominated environment, a social worker in corrections. All my female colleagues in my department have encouraged and supported me in ways that have been really helpful; inquiring about my nutrition changes, cheering me on as I've fit into old clothes and run a 5k, then a 10k last year. They all offered to join me in the local Mud Girl even though they all feel like they can't do it just to ensure I have support. Rarely do I get comments on my body because I guess that my female friends just get it; that's not always helpful.

So Monday and yesterday I got comments such as "you look so much thinner now! wow!", and "I know I should tell you that you look healthy but I just want to tell you that you look really pretty now that you've dropped the weight" and the worst; 3 male officers I know quite well but who I haven't worked with due to scheduling for about six months... one of them says "we were just talking about how much weight you've lost and wanted to congratulate you on it" (after I had seen them staring and talking to each other about me without ANY subtlety)!

For some reason, these compliments especially from men just make me super uncomfortable. When I was fatter I felt like I could just fly under the radar and now I feel like people are looking at me all the time, making comments and trying to compliment me in a way that just makes me feel icky. It actually feels really damaging to my weight loss because it makes me feel that everything I am keeps being reduced to what I look like.

Thoughts? Support? Just needing to vent I suppose.

mom23mangos

((Hugs)) That's really tough. I always like to give people the best of intentions. It sounds like your male co-workers are trying to be supportive in their own way and just don't know how to communicate it properly. You know that you weren't losing weight to be "prettier", so I can see that it feels like a slap in the face for them to imply that there was something wrong with the way you looked previously. Please try to not take it that way however and think more of them as being clueless. I think I was probably much more insensitive in my reactions to friends/co-workers weight loss in the past before getting to hear many different viewpoints from MFP. Not out of maliciousness, just ignorance. Now, if I hadn't seen a co-worker in a long time and saw they had lost a lost of weight, I would A) Most likely say nothing at all or If I knew they were actually actively trying to lose weight, compliment them on how much hard work I could tell they had been doing.

radbikerchick

Pfft, this guys sound like either they are oblivious that they are insulting you at the same time as they are complimenting you (at least the ones implying you were unattractive before). I would just smile and nod unless they actually say something outright insulting about how you were before in which case it might be reasonable to point out politely that fat people also deserve respect and not to be insulted and that commenting on coworkers’ appearances like that is overstepping.

Otherwise just realize that this is also a transitional thing and people will stop commenting eventually.

I say focus on the positive changes you are making for yourself, because it sounds like you are doing great!

amgreenwell

People rarely know a nice way to say "way to go and keep it up". They tend to choose the wrong words, the wrong setting and the wrong sideways stares. Just know that you are doing this for you and no one else. If people notice or make comment (as long as you aren't feeling harassed) then try to take it for what it is, a compliment, and know they are wanting you to feel better.
Keep up what you are doing. Don't let someone's words sabotage what sounds like great success. Unfortunately as women, a lot of worth (from others) is places on body image. You got this! Just keep it up!

cwolfman13

I remember years ago when I lost a bunch of weight and I was at the gym and I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in about a year...she looked at me and said, "Chris is that you...holy *kitten* you look good." I took it for what it was meant to be...a compliment, not a remark on my past self. I was highly flattered.

100_PROOF_

amgreenwell wrote: »

People rarely know a nice way to say "way to go and keep it up". They tend to choose the wrong words, the wrong setting and the wrong sideways stares. Just know that you are doing this for you and no one else. If people notice or make comment (as long as you aren't feeling harassed) then try to take it for what it is, a compliment, and know they are wanting you to feel better.
Keep up what you are doing. Don't let someone's words sabotage what sounds like great success. Unfortunately as women, a lot of worth (from others) is places on body image. You got this! Just keep it up!

I think this comment is awesome!

Not to mention - In a society where people are striving to be as PC as possible, sometimes compliments come out sounding weird and awkward.
But mostly I think it's just that people don't know what to say or how to say good job, way to go.

I would just smile and say thanks unless these people cross the line into harassment. Its a dif story if it becomes harassment.

rach3116

Remember that people’s comments always reflect their insecurities. I’ve found that comments such as those come far more from people that struggle with their own bodies and weight.
Also, being a victim of people saying the shittiest things to me during treatments... some of them are just truly ignorant and they’re truly trying their best. Unfortunately we need to give them the benefit of the doubt at these times even though it sucks- therefore venting is encouraged!
Regarding weight or body comments I just take it with a grain of salt and remind myself that it’s my viewpoint that matters, not theirs.
Huge congrats by the way.

seltzermint555

I blame shows like The Biggest Loser for taking weight loss out into the public realm as this weird emotionally charged "public" topic and making people talk about it in the workplace, in more detail, and taking it to unseen heights of AWKWARD.

Just my thoughts.

leebirm

I have to be honest, bearing in mind that I am not one to receive complements and I'm a bit of a misanthropist

I tend to not say anything at all, a girl at work could go from having long brown hair to short spiky green hair overnight and I still probably wouldn't say anything.
If a girl from work went from a size 20 to a size 8 overnight I still probably wouldn't say anything, I'm not good at receiving compliments and I'm certainly not good at giving them, hell I'm not good at speaking to people in general, I prefer to admire from a distance (in a non stalkerish kind of way)

Having said that I wouldn't recommend that you run out and get yourself green spiky hair.

Maryanne_V

I really think these guys are just trying to be nice. This is a male dominant field, so they are just dumb at talking to women in a professional manner. What would they say to a family friend or a family member? Something like this.

I've dated a CO before. He was a nice guy, but all of his CO and LEO friends and him were kind of dumb and very blunt. You should straight tell them that you didn't lose weight to be pretty but to be healthy, and you'd appreciate them not mentioning how much prettier they think you are now that you've lost weight. I would hope they don't get butthurt. If they are like the COs and LEOs I know, they will respect your directness. If they keep it up, it's sexual harassment and you can go to HR. Make sure to make notes of when and what they said and what you said in reply to.

tulips_and_tea

"making comments and trying to compliment me in a way that just makes me feel icky. It actually feels really damaging to my weight loss because it makes me feel that everything I am keeps being reduced to what I look like." - From the way you described it, it sounds like people are genuinely trying to compliment you on your hard work.

This is SUCH a tricky subject to comment or compliment on, but honestly, most people are just trying to acknowledge your hard work. Appearance is the way it is obvious. I mean, I'm sure your health has improved, but it's not like you wear a sign with your previous blood pressure or cholesterol levels compared to now. Not implying yours were bad. Just trying to make a comparison.

Either way, don't let any comment from anyone discourage you! You put in the effort and made the changes and you enjoy the benefits!

fastfoodietofitcutie

I do think you are being too sensitive. Take it as a compliment to all the hard work you have achieved.

CharliePhoebe

I'm with you, I get it. When did it become okay to talk about bodies in a professional context? For all they know you've lost weight because you're sick. Even if they think they're giving you a compliment, saying someone looks as if he or she has lost weight is terribly impolite. They probably meant well, but they were still rude.

corinasue1143

Forgive them their shortcomings if they meant well, but said it badly.

Shellz31

I so feel you, except it's my female coworkers. One in particular always says "Oh, you look so skinny!! Oh look at that waist!" when I've lost any weight, and it makes me cringe

I just give minimal response and hope they get the hint. Only when one coworker harped on it did I tell her, privately, that she was embarrassing me. It was an awkward conversation but she did stop.

People do mean well, but if it really bothers you then do what you have to in order to take care of yourself. That matters more than their intentions. Better to have a few awkward moments than silently dread all interactions at work.

ssssanaaaa

First of all, you're not being "sensitive." I really dislike it when people use that against an emotional response one may have. Everything you feel is justified. You can't help the way you feel- don't let others dismiss or invalidate you like that!
Second, I totally get where you're coming from. People don't see all the hard work, self-discipline, and just character changes one undergoes when losing weight or simply trying to live a healthier lifestyle! Like others are saying, it may be coming from a well meaning place. After all, people can only see what they're literally seeing in front of them so I suppose that's why people like to comment on appearance first.

grammagrape

For shame, if you work in a male dominated environment, then it would just be like going to work in France- LEARN TO SPEAK FRENCH. Men speak in a much more direct way, at face value. Take it at face value. They aren't talking like women, they are communicating as men. Let them be men and dont think they should communicate like you do or like other women do. TAKE IT AT FACE VALUE because that's how men mean it. Your problem is that you are trying to 'read' them like you have to do with women. You don't have to try to 'read' men, they say what they are thinking, and they just happen to be speaking to you like they speak to each other. That's respect for you, really. Men are wonderful, and this isn't a 'shortcoming'. They didn't say it 'badly'. Your appearance has changed drastically and you're upset people have observed and are remarking on this drastic change in your appearance. Do you want all men to shut their eyes and keep them cast down when you walk past? Be honest, you are still living with the fat-I want to hide-mentality, you say so yourself. Move past what you THINK they mean, because you are projecting your own self-acceptance and self-confidence issues on them and they are really probably wonderful people. Their children and wives and brothers and parents all think so. If it was just one guy making you feel icky, then that would be something wrong with that one person..but I mean come on...here its all the men you work with? That means that something is wrong with how YOU are dealing with all the men you work with. The shadows feel safer than being out there in life and interacting with people on a real level, don't they? Work to understand where your problem is coming from.

FFeric

Out of curiosity, what would you prefer your male colleagues say, if anything? If they had inquired about your changes in diet or fitness routines like your female coworkers, would it still have made you feel icky? I work in a male dominated field also, but there are more women entering every year and sometimes it's a tricky situation in including them without treating them like the rest of the cavemen. The ladies that i work every day with are amazing athletes, but I would never make a comment about their actual physiques as I would with the guys.

YogiJear

I would try to take it as complements and move on. I feel slightly awkward when I get comments regarding my physique also so it's definitely a problem that can go both ways.

But at the end of the day I know what I want, I know what my goals are, I know that I'm going to be healthier for it, I know that I'm giving my body the time and respect it deserves and that it actually doesn't matter what anyone says, whether it be a compliment or an insult.

I'm the one that's in my body 24hrs a day so in the words of Drake:

What am I doin’? What am I doin’?
Oh, yeah, that’s right, I’m doin’ me, I’m doin me
I’m livin’ life right now, mayne

And this what I’ma do ’til it’s over
‘Til it’s over, But it’s far from over

JeromeBarry1

@emilyvictoria7 My thought is that prior to your effort at losing weight you had engaged in substantial self-loathing. That your co-workers notice and compliment your appearance now is twisted into confirmation of your earlier views.

Mellykay88

I’ve lost a lot of weight this past year and people obviously have noticed. I’m usually okay with the “you’ve lost a lot of weight comments” when they are given discretely. I work in a mental health setting and have one co-worker (who is overweight) who likes to say things like “you are really slimming down” really loudly and in front of people I don’t know. I cringe every time she does it. I’m cool with complements, but let’s not scream it out in front of clients and people from other agencies.

rainbow198

I heard this so much from people who first saw me after my big loss. It got annoying yes (especially when they keep going on and on). I just figured some are unsure of what to say, especially men in particular settings and don't want to offend. For example at work or a friend of a significant other etc.

Congrats on your progress!

blackmantis

Some women complain when you get criticized then complain when you get compliments. I remember the days when women smiled and said thank you and did a quick spin to make you seen everything then struck a pose. Giving a compliment is so difficult these days it's almost best to say nothing.

Shawn_White

I empathize but I can't quite relate as I love having people, even other men, comment on my weight loss. They ask how I did it, tell me I look great, I'm wasting away etc. I also did it for health reasons but being told I look better is icing on the cake.

minstrelofsarcasm

I think the biggest issue here is that the comments are comparisons, rather than outright compliments. If someone tells me I look good, that's a compliment. If someone tells me I look better (beyond recovering from illness), it's a backhanded compliment in which my previous looks were being insulted. I love when people tell me that I look good, or my skin is glowing (beyond radioactivity), or I have a good energy about me. But when anything is compared to how I used to be, it's not as welcome.

rainbow198

blackmantis wrote: »

Some women complain when you get criticized then complain when you get compliments. I remember the days when women smiled and said thank you and did a quick spin to make you seen everything then struck a pose. Giving a compliment is so difficult these days it's almost best to say nothing.

I can definitely see this point of view. I've worked really hard for years so I appreciate the acknowledgements, but everyone is different so I can't completely relate to the OP.

gracegettingittogether

It's funny how people see things differently. I do think that many men are more blunt and just say it as they see it. Attractiveness is often a perception of healthiness, as sexuality does have a component of sensing optimal reproduction levels. Obviously that's not all it is, but it does play a part. As people become healthier, I think they generally do become more attractive. Whether that's gaining weight from being underweight or losing weight from being overweight. Or recovering from an illness. I don't think that's being insulting to notice, I think it's rather human.

And I don't think that comparisons are always backhanded compliments. For example my husband has recently lost weight. I always found him very attractive, even at a higher weight. I just find him even more attractive now. That doesn't mean I didn't find him attractive before. The same could be true of any comparison, unless stated otherwise, of course.

seltzermint555

minstrelofsarcasm wrote: »

I think the biggest issue here is that the comments are comparisons, rather than outright compliments. If someone tells me I look good, that's a compliment. If someone tells me I look better (beyond recovering from illness), it's a backhanded compliment in which my previous looks were being insulted. I love when people tell me that I look good, or my skin is glowing (beyond radioactivity), or I have a good energy about me. But when anything is compared to how I used to be, it's not as welcome.

I agree with this completely! Yes.

My least favorite was "I bet you feel soooo much better". That used to really tick me off. To be honest, YES, I felt way better at 250 lb than I did at 307 lb. But honestly, I don't feel much different at 170 lb than I did at 250. I look better, my health is generally better but I don't feel different.

However, to my random 60-ish neighbor woman, it's none of your business actually.

Lounmoun

emilyvictoria7 wrote: »

I don't know if there's something in the air or what. Maybe I'm just super sensitive lately but in the past three days I have not had just one but three comments from various colleagues regarding my weight loss. In the last year, I've lost 60lbs and dropped from a size 20 to a size 12/14. There have been some significant changes in my face, and obviously in my body as well. I have about 50lbs left to go for a healthier 160lbs vs. my original 270lbs.

I'm a female in a male dominated environment, a social worker in corrections. All my female colleagues in my department have encouraged and supported me in ways that have been really helpful; inquiring about my nutrition changes, cheering me on as I've fit into old clothes and run a 5k, then a 10k last year. They all offered to join me in the local Mud Girl even though they all feel like they can't do it just to ensure I have support. Rarely do I get comments on my body because I guess that my female friends just get it; that's not always helpful.

So Monday and yesterday I got comments such as "you look so much thinner now! wow!", and "I know I should tell you that you look healthy but I just want to tell you that you look really pretty now that you've dropped the weight" and the worst; 3 male officers I know quite well but who I haven't worked with due to scheduling for about six months... one of them says "we were just talking about how much weight you've lost and wanted to congratulate you on it" (after I had seen them staring and talking to each other about me without ANY subtlety)!

For some reason, these compliments especially from men just make me super uncomfortable. When I was fatter I felt like I could just fly under the radar and now I feel like people are looking at me all the time, making comments and trying to compliment me in a way that just makes me feel icky. It actually feels really damaging to my weight loss because it makes me feel that everything I am keeps being reduced to what I look like.

Thoughts? Support? Just needing to vent I suppose.

I wonder if in the case of your female colleagues you share more about what you are doing so their comments are more specific or you feel they are more similar so don't feel weird about it. Because it sounds like you have gotten a lot of attention from female colleagues about your efforts to this point actually.

I don't really want comments on my body either but realize a big change gets comments. It is fairly normal to notice and acknowledge that someone has changed. The only comment that would make me feel truly icky was the one about looking prettier because that is a judgement on what looks best or is most important.

When you respond you could indicate why you are losing weight and what makes you happy about it so they know. Maybe chat with them about your races.

anubis609

Being formerly obese, I resented the statements of people noticing my fat and weight loss as it was happening. But this was also based on the foundation that I already learned to hate people as a whole, resigning to the fact that people are going to be judgmental, no matter what. So, any compliments seemed condescending or patronizing, even if the intention wasn't. I automatically placed a label on encouragement before it was given. That was my choice and my prerogative to do so. It didn't make me right as much as it didn't make anyone else wrong for congratulating me. So, I get it.

Your own personal feelings with yourself, people, words, weight loss, etc. are going to be your own, but you can't expect others to be aware of them or be responsible for your choice to feel a certain way. They're responsible for what they say like you're responsible for the perception of what you hear.

Are you being overly sensitive? Probably, since you've acknowledged that you're aware of it. I'm not even going to address the gender assigned statements since what I'm saying is applicable across all human language, and it's in hindsight now that I'm at a level of leanness where I would actually agree with past statements of encouragement that I originally ascribed to being a negative remark.

Because I am indeed physiologically healthier now than I was as an obese person. Do I look better? Subjectively, yes. I want to look good naked. Not for anyone else's sake but my own personal enjoyment and admiration. As literal and as narcissistic as it sounds, it serves a dual purpose in providing a sense of confidence that was lacking before. Does it make me a better person? Absolutely not. Physical changes don't necessarily change the way you think or feel; that's more of a mental and psychological attribute associated with transforming yourself.

Rebecca9048

I can see the different angles here. Most of my life I was very thin and I never heard the end of it from friends, strangers, classmates. Everyone had something to say. Then I had two pregnancies close together and two high needs babies and gained weight. I got asked weekly when my baby was due, and I was postpartum. Now I’m losing the weight and I’m again worried about comments on my body because jeez what is the magic weight that will get people to stop talking about it.

But, I do think in the case of a weight loss it is about acknowledging your hard work, so in the end I’d let any hard feelings roll off.