"You look so much ... 'healthier!'"

rainbow198

I heard this so much from people who first saw me after my big loss. It got annoying yes (especially when they keep going on and on). I just figured some are unsure of what to say, especially men in particular settings and don't want to offend. For example at work or a friend of a significant other etc.

Congrats on your progress!

blackmantis

Some women complain when you get criticized then complain when you get compliments. I remember the days when women smiled and said thank you and did a quick spin to make you seen everything then struck a pose. Giving a compliment is so difficult these days it's almost best to say nothing.

Shawn_White

I empathize but I can't quite relate as I love having people, even other men, comment on my weight loss. They ask how I did it, tell me I look great, I'm wasting away etc. I also did it for health reasons but being told I look better is icing on the cake.

minstrelofsarcasm

I think the biggest issue here is that the comments are comparisons, rather than outright compliments. If someone tells me I look good, that's a compliment. If someone tells me I look better (beyond recovering from illness), it's a backhanded compliment in which my previous looks were being insulted. I love when people tell me that I look good, or my skin is glowing (beyond radioactivity), or I have a good energy about me. But when anything is compared to how I used to be, it's not as welcome.

rainbow198

blackmantis wrote: »

Some women complain when you get criticized then complain when you get compliments. I remember the days when women smiled and said thank you and did a quick spin to make you seen everything then struck a pose. Giving a compliment is so difficult these days it's almost best to say nothing.

I can definitely see this point of view. I've worked really hard for years so I appreciate the acknowledgements, but everyone is different so I can't completely relate to the OP.

gracegettingittogether

It's funny how people see things differently. I do think that many men are more blunt and just say it as they see it. Attractiveness is often a perception of healthiness, as sexuality does have a component of sensing optimal reproduction levels. Obviously that's not all it is, but it does play a part. As people become healthier, I think they generally do become more attractive. Whether that's gaining weight from being underweight or losing weight from being overweight. Or recovering from an illness. I don't think that's being insulting to notice, I think it's rather human.

And I don't think that comparisons are always backhanded compliments. For example my husband has recently lost weight. I always found him very attractive, even at a higher weight. I just find him even more attractive now. That doesn't mean I didn't find him attractive before. The same could be true of any comparison, unless stated otherwise, of course.

seltzermint555

minstrelofsarcasm wrote: »

I think the biggest issue here is that the comments are comparisons, rather than outright compliments. If someone tells me I look good, that's a compliment. If someone tells me I look better (beyond recovering from illness), it's a backhanded compliment in which my previous looks were being insulted. I love when people tell me that I look good, or my skin is glowing (beyond radioactivity), or I have a good energy about me. But when anything is compared to how I used to be, it's not as welcome.

I agree with this completely! Yes.

My least favorite was "I bet you feel soooo much better". That used to really tick me off. To be honest, YES, I felt way better at 250 lb than I did at 307 lb. But honestly, I don't feel much different at 170 lb than I did at 250. I look better, my health is generally better but I don't feel different.

However, to my random 60-ish neighbor woman, it's none of your business actually.

Lounmoun

emilyvictoria7 wrote: »

I don't know if there's something in the air or what. Maybe I'm just super sensitive lately but in the past three days I have not had just one but three comments from various colleagues regarding my weight loss. In the last year, I've lost 60lbs and dropped from a size 20 to a size 12/14. There have been some significant changes in my face, and obviously in my body as well. I have about 50lbs left to go for a healthier 160lbs vs. my original 270lbs.

I'm a female in a male dominated environment, a social worker in corrections. All my female colleagues in my department have encouraged and supported me in ways that have been really helpful; inquiring about my nutrition changes, cheering me on as I've fit into old clothes and run a 5k, then a 10k last year. They all offered to join me in the local Mud Girl even though they all feel like they can't do it just to ensure I have support. Rarely do I get comments on my body because I guess that my female friends just get it; that's not always helpful.

So Monday and yesterday I got comments such as "you look so much thinner now! wow!", and "I know I should tell you that you look healthy but I just want to tell you that you look really pretty now that you've dropped the weight" and the worst; 3 male officers I know quite well but who I haven't worked with due to scheduling for about six months... one of them says "we were just talking about how much weight you've lost and wanted to congratulate you on it" (after I had seen them staring and talking to each other about me without ANY subtlety)!

For some reason, these compliments especially from men just make me super uncomfortable. When I was fatter I felt like I could just fly under the radar and now I feel like people are looking at me all the time, making comments and trying to compliment me in a way that just makes me feel icky. It actually feels really damaging to my weight loss because it makes me feel that everything I am keeps being reduced to what I look like.

Thoughts? Support? Just needing to vent I suppose.

I wonder if in the case of your female colleagues you share more about what you are doing so their comments are more specific or you feel they are more similar so don't feel weird about it. Because it sounds like you have gotten a lot of attention from female colleagues about your efforts to this point actually.

I don't really want comments on my body either but realize a big change gets comments. It is fairly normal to notice and acknowledge that someone has changed. The only comment that would make me feel truly icky was the one about looking prettier because that is a judgement on what looks best or is most important.

When you respond you could indicate why you are losing weight and what makes you happy about it so they know. Maybe chat with them about your races.

anubis609

Being formerly obese, I resented the statements of people noticing my fat and weight loss as it was happening. But this was also based on the foundation that I already learned to hate people as a whole, resigning to the fact that people are going to be judgmental, no matter what. So, any compliments seemed condescending or patronizing, even if the intention wasn't. I automatically placed a label on encouragement before it was given. That was my choice and my prerogative to do so. It didn't make me right as much as it didn't make anyone else wrong for congratulating me. So, I get it.

Your own personal feelings with yourself, people, words, weight loss, etc. are going to be your own, but you can't expect others to be aware of them or be responsible for your choice to feel a certain way. They're responsible for what they say like you're responsible for the perception of what you hear.

Are you being overly sensitive? Probably, since you've acknowledged that you're aware of it. I'm not even going to address the gender assigned statements since what I'm saying is applicable across all human language, and it's in hindsight now that I'm at a level of leanness where I would actually agree with past statements of encouragement that I originally ascribed to being a negative remark.

Because I am indeed physiologically healthier now than I was as an obese person. Do I look better? Subjectively, yes. I want to look good naked. Not for anyone else's sake but my own personal enjoyment and admiration. As literal and as narcissistic as it sounds, it serves a dual purpose in providing a sense of confidence that was lacking before. Does it make me a better person? Absolutely not. Physical changes don't necessarily change the way you think or feel; that's more of a mental and psychological attribute associated with transforming yourself.

Rebecca9048

I can see the different angles here. Most of my life I was very thin and I never heard the end of it from friends, strangers, classmates. Everyone had something to say. Then I had two pregnancies close together and two high needs babies and gained weight. I got asked weekly when my baby was due, and I was postpartum. Now I’m losing the weight and I’m again worried about comments on my body because jeez what is the magic weight that will get people to stop talking about it.

But, I do think in the case of a weight loss it is about acknowledging your hard work, so in the end I’d let any hard feelings roll off.

mom23mangos

Rebecca9048 wrote: »

I can see the different angles here. Most of my life I was very thin and I never heard the end of it from friends, strangers, classmates. Everyone had something to say. Then I had two pregnancies close together and two high needs babies and gained weight. I got asked weekly when my baby was due, and I was postpartum. Now I’m losing the weight and I’m again worried about comments on my body because jeez what is the magic weight that will get people to stop talking about it.

But, I do think in the case of a weight loss it is about acknowledging your hard work, so in the end I’d let any hard feelings roll off.

Kind of like how I really don't comment on anyone's weight loss anymore, I DEFINITELY don't comment on anyone's pregnancy unless I see a foot coming out of their vajayjay. I learned that lesson the hard way when I asked one of my son's daycare workers how her pregnancy was going and she told me she had lost the baby (she still looked pregnant).