Unsupported by the one person that matters.

Heavybetty

I've been reluctant to tell my spouse that I have started a new journey counting calories on MFP. I figured he would be unsupportive because I have tried working out and dieting before failing every time. Boy was I correct. He brought me Hardee's this morning which was nice to think of me....but I said no thanks because I was watching what I was eating....he just rolled his eyes and seemed offended. A couple hours later I had a bowl of green beans with parkay spray butter.....his response to me "can I tell you something if you want to watch what your eating a bowl of green beans with a bunch of butter is not gonna help". I was so offended and really pissed off. I know I don't have the best track record but did he really have to say that? I've been really ticked at him all day, when I went to make supper I told him I was entering it in MFP before making it so I knew what calories it would be he said that ain't gonna help you just have to exercise. I then told him he is really irritating me today I just want him to listen to me and be supportive....I guess that is why I haven't told him for two weeks. He then said don't even tell me stuff about that and to get over it and let it go. NO!!! I don't have to let it go it hurt my feelings I just wanted him to listen if he felt a certain way keep it to himself!!!! FYI I know I have to exercise but I want to start slow I figured I would get my eating under control and then start exercise.....I believe introducing little changes at a time before I would try to do everything at once and always ended up quitting.

Thanks I just had to vent and get that off my chest. Good night.

LunaAmour

Hi Betty,

First of all, I really commend you for reaching out here to the community, even if it's just to vent. And more importantly, for your strength in taking on control of your fitness journey.

It's really sad to me that your spouse had the attitude he did, and I would feel exactly the same way in your shoes. Without being able to get into his head, I can't really say what his intentions are. I know from experience that sometimes certain people in our lives, even people we love, can tend to be rather tactless. It may not necessarily mean he doesn't want to see you succeed in the long run, but faith and optimism in certain aspects of life and those in our lives are difficult for some people. You shouldn't have to let it go, but please don't let it discourage you. Do anything but let that discouragement win over your commitment to yourself. Keep reading the forums. Keep logging and going on with what you do now. As long as you're within your goal you WILL succeed. And by all means vent here WHENEVER you need to!

I've been using MFP on and off for awhile and reading the forums for awhile too but just now started posting. If you'd like to friend me or talk feel free to. Good luck and *hugs* to you.

mrshallewell

hey hun,

i think it will just take time, once he can see you are succeeding then he cant say anything. my husband was a little dubious at the start of mine as ive done the cambridge diet 6 times with 4 different people, then slimming world 3 times with 2 different people. ive joined the gym 3 times, 3 different gyms. 2's i was with my husband and i joined because he said he would go with me to motivate me and then he stopped going so he's the reason i stopped with that.

but once my weight started to drop off he's become very supportive. ive lost 22lb so far in about 3 months, still have a long way to go and i go a little off the wagon now and again but he is so much more helpful now. and its not costing me any more money like the other diets were.

keep at it, your success will get through to him.

invisibility

I'm sorry he's being a jerk. Even if you've tried to lose weight before, that doesn't give him the right to be an *kitten* about it this time. It costs him nothing to be supportive. In fact, as your spouse, it's kind of his job description.

Losing weight is mostly diet. Yes, exercise is good for you and will help you become healthier overall, but 80% of the game is watching what you eat. As long as you're doing that honestly and faithfully (watching your portion sizes, weighing your food, logging it on MFP) then you should lose weight. Adding exercise will help, but you can start small with just walking. But getting your eating under control is an important first step.

Good luck. Hopefully he'll come around.

PikaKnight

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

BonnieandClyde29

I understand, my husband is supportive, but he doesn't really talk to me about it unless I am actually doing something about it (working out), when he see's me put effort into it, then he commends me but other than that, to be honest for most people it's like hearing any other person with any kind of addiction, I'm going to change now, I'm going to start doing this, and if they are constantly saying they are going to do something and don't, then at a certain point you just don't want to hear it anymore. Once he SEES the progress your making then he will probably shut up and be more supportive, not saying that's an excuse for how hurtful he was, but maybe he was just having a bad day or feeling bad about himself.

BonnieandClyde29

I'm sorry he's being a jerk. Even if you've tried to lose weight before, that doesn't give him the right to be an *kitten* about it this time. It costs him nothing to be supportive. In fact, as your spouse, it's kind of his job description.

Losing weight is mostly diet. Yes, exercise is good for you and will help you become healthier overall, but 80% of the game is watching what you eat. As long as you're doing that honestly and faithfully (watching your portion sizes, weighing your food, logging it on MFP) then you should lose weight. Adding exercise will help, but you can start small with just walking. But getting your eating under control is an important first step.

Good luck. Hopefully he'll come around.

Random, but my dog looks exactly like yours!!!! What breed is he/she?

benol1

Betty,

Congratulations on your life-changing decision and efforts. Unfortunately, its the people closest to us that can hurt us the most - if we let them.
My suggestion to you is just to quietly get on with your efforts. Eat well. I also recommend that you don't put off increasing your activity level - whether that be joining the gym, going swimming, cycling, walking - whatever. Be sure it is something that you enjoy doing. You'll find that diet and exercise will support each other and in no time you'll have more energy and be feeling fantastic.
kind regards,

Ben

annmartinasara

I did what you did and started my weight loss programme without telling anyone, because I tried and failed so often in the past.
And I'm starting again.

One quote that means a lot to me right now. 'The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time' Thomas A Edison.

Try not to worry about your spouses reaction. He's been there when you have been through this process before, and he probably just wants you to have a healthy relationship with food, he just does not know how to communicate well!

Best of luck with your weight loss.

MyJourney1960

I've been reluctant to tell my spouse that I have started a new journey counting calories on MFP. I figured he would be unsupportive because I have tried working out and dieting before failing every time. Boy was I correct. He brought me Hardee's this morning which was nice to think of me....but I said no thanks because I was watching what I was eating....he just rolled his eyes and seemed offended. A couple hours later I had a bowl of green beans with parkay spray butter.....his response to me "can I tell you something if you want to watch what your eating a bowl of green beans with a bunch of butter is not gonna help". I was so offended and really pissed off. I know I don't have the best track record but did he really have to say that? I've been really ticked at him all day, when I went to make supper I told him I was entering it in MFP before making it so I knew what calories it would be he said that ain't gonna help you just have to exercise. I then told him he is really irritating me today I just want him to listen to me and be supportive....I guess that is why I haven't told him for two weeks. He then said don't even tell me stuff about that and to get over it and let it go. NO!!! I don't have to let it go it hurt my feelings I just wanted him to listen if he felt a certain way keep it to himself!!!! FYI I know I have to exercise but I want to start slow I figured I would get my eating under control and then start exercise.....I believe introducing little changes at a time before I would try to do everything at once and always ended up quitting.

Thanks I just had to vent and get that off my chest. Good night.

hugs betty, i'm sorry you're husband is being a jerk. (is this his usual way of communicating? or is this just food/diet related stuff?)

and I am glad that you are here, and reaching out.

I wanted to say this to you - your title says "Unsupported by the one person that matters". but i am here to tell you that there is a much more important person that matters - and that is YOU. as corny as this sounds, you need to help yourself, you need to give yourself "high-fives", you need to be good to you. Don't let your husband decide this for you - you can and you will succeed.

harrysboyo

Betty...

First of all....Keep up the good work..

But for me it helps to get some exercise into your weekly routine..you might be surprised, I know I was on how many calories can come off.

And as well as making you feel more positive mentally...because you have gone and done it..

I found going for a swim yesterday when I was feeling hungry and could have easily snacked..got my mind off the food as I was absorbed with different things..so calories saved on two accounts..

glovepuppet

I think maybe it's best to make food & exercise a forbidden topic in some relationships. just agree that if he keeps his opinions to himself then you'll keep your intentions and achievements to yourself? there's no law that says you need to agree on tactics but it's unproductive to keep butting heads.

Alatariel75

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

JeffersJJ

While it may hurt for him not to support you, you just have to do it for yourself. If we needed everyone else's approval or support to do anything for ourselves, we'd never do anything. Besides, when others (even spouses...especially immature spouses) are not supportive and are actually trying to hold you back from your goals, it's just because your success or efforts to change for the better remind them that they are not doing anything for themselves and they are jealous of your ambition.

You can do this. No worries. It's not about him, it's about you.

addokai

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

You must be my twin. My husband is not so optimistic about it. i told him to do me a favour on someting and he says he will when i weigh 80 kilos. ( CW-91kgs, SW -100kg or 220ib)Now he's seeing the difference and he can tell am just not ready to give up cos is a lifestyle change for me. He even once said starting is easy but as to whether you will follow through is a different issue. I guess his naysaying is my motivation. OP prove him wrong by all means. Good luck

Claire0781

I just want to say the same as a lot of other people have said - the person that matters is you! He is an important part of your life yes - but you are the most important person!

I din't know why he is doing and saying what he is but maybe it's just because he has seen you try before and it has not been as successful as you would like.

A couple of suggestions - ask him to help you - if he feels more involved then he is likely to be more supportive. He says that you need to exercise - so you could ask him to come for a walk with you or go for a bike ride together.

The other suggestion might not be as practical - but as hard as it is, din't let his negativity get you down - turn it around and use your determination to prove him wrong as motivation! Not sure if you work like that - but personally if someone tells me I can't do something then I am on a mission!

Remember it's the small things that make the difference - introduce smalls changes and you will achieve everything you want to! Don't try to run before you can walk! That is what has always caused me to give up!

Keep us updated on how the misery guts takes your progress xx

GrannyGwen1

Topic: Unsupported by the one person that matters.

HI BETTY,

IM SAVING THIS TO RE READ LATER , I LOVE THE SUPPORT YOU HAVE RECEIVED HERE FROM YOUR MFP FAMILY OF FRIENDS.

IM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING," AGAIN",

I HAVE DESIDED THAT THIS IS "MY" TRINITY OF LIFE JOURNEY OF MIND, BODY AND SOUL. THIS IS ABOUT "ME" THIS IS FOR "ME". i CAN DO THIS AND SO CAN YOU.

harphy

Each and every one of us has got at least one unsupportive person close...sad, but true. Find frends here and stick to your plan! It's ok to be a little egoistic - this is your life and your body.

Lozzer135

Hi Betty - that struck a chord with me. I just joined myfitnesspal today after years of yoyo diets. My partner is naturally slim (grrrrr) although he does exercise frequently. He doesn't get how hard it can be for other people to lose weight when it's so easy for him. Hang in there - I know my other half doesn't mean anything when he bangs on about exercise all the time - even though I want to hit him with something blunt and heavy. Keep on keeping on and you will get there in your own time. Easy for someone else to criticise - however well meaning - but you know what they say about walking a mile (no pun intended) in my shoes.:laugh:

LizDHarris

Sorry to hear that you are not getting the support you need at home - but from your comments I guess you sort of expected the comments you got. I had a similar situation 2 years ago, but now, having got near my goal my husband is my biggest supporter. It did take time, and he has still not told me that I look better being 35lbs lighter. Everything I have done I have done for myself and really enjoyed replacing my wardrobe as I dropped 2 dress sizes. Stick with it, it will get easier, and you will feel better about yourself.

BeccaSkinnyMoo

Hi Betty,

Firstly I'd like to thank you for writing this post as it's given me the chance to moan too and get things off my chest!! I really feel for you and know just how you feel! I started MFP last September as I'd managed to lose a bit of weight for our wedding in Feb last year but I still really wanted to lose more to reach my goal of 10 stone.

When I first started logging foods and exercising (I workout to dvd's/hulahoop/cycle machine etc in our basement) my hubby was constantly interrogating me as to why was I bothering, why did I want to lose weight when HE was happy with my size and loved me how I was?! I wasn't huge but still bigger than I was when we met - I just wanted to lose a few dress sizes. Like you, I had tried dieting before and had always failed and ended up putting on more weight each time.

Since then, he has acknowledged that I want to work out but it is still difficult for him to understand why I'm trying to do it and why I need to log my food etc. Ok he's not deliberately being nasty about it (except for the occasional comment which is normal for him - he often doesn't think before he speaks!!) For example, this last week, he must have asked me if I want to go out for dinner or get a takeaway at least 3 times! Every time I have to remind him that I'm trying to eat healthily and that offering me bad food really doesn't help! He is a fussy eater and I have a slight gluten and dairy intolerance so cooking meals we can both eat is quite difficult. On Thursday night, I needed to have a lower calorie healthy dinner, so I made myself a mackerel fillet, new potatoes and salad - none of which he'll eat - but offered to cook him whatever he wanted to keep it fair. What does he do? Order in a huge Domino's pizza and sits and eats it in front of me! Ooh I was pissed off!!!!

He is currently overweight and really needs to get healthy - we both do - we plan on trying for a family in a few months which is why it's so important to me to lose a bit more weight and get healthy - it's so frustrating that he just doesn't seem to care, even though he wants kids more than me! This morning is another example - he announces that he plans on taking me out for Sunday lunch (even though he knows I'm not really a fan of roast dinners!) and again I have to try and explain that taking me out for food makes it easier for me to make bad decisions, and harder for me to log correct food weights etc as well as trying to avoid gluten and dairy!!! It's like talking to a brick wall!!!

I have learned that the best way to motivate myself is to do this for me - no matter what anyone else says - no matter how much hubby rolls his eyes, makes snide comments or moans because I'm going to bed late due to a workout session. I'm doing this for me and nothing's gonna stand in my way. Utilise his unsupportive words and actions not to upset you, but to motivate you into proving him wrong. There may be some worry there on his part that if you lose weight, get fit and healthy, you might start looking elsewhere - I think this may have been part of the initial concerns with my hubby. Also, remember that men are a totally different species! They think differently to us and have totally different logic! A woman who is 20lbs overweight will look in the mirror and probably feel some sort of resentment/hatred towards herself - a bloke who's 20lbs overweight will look in the mirror and still be like 'hell yeah, looking good!' It's just a different mentality! lol! ;-)

You have to stay strong, and don't be afraid to come to the community here when you need support - we're all in this together and understand how hard it is! I think you're doing the right thing by starting to manage your food intake first before starting to exercise, small steps are the best way. Just take is slowly - this needs to be a lifestyle change, not just another diet. Try and have a sit down session maybe with your husband (trust me, I know how difficult that can be!) and talk about your reasons for doing MFP, your plan going forwards, and maybe even suggest he does it with you, maybe just to get healthier if not to lose weight. I plan on trying to get my hubby onto MFP soon so that it may change his mentality of "it's ok that I just ate that 386 calorie double choc chip cookie because I've walked the dog today". Yeah honey, but your 30min 3mph dog walk only burned about 130 cals so you do the Math!!

Keep it up - you're doing great!!!!

Becca(Nearly)SkinnyMoo
xxx

pixie_pix

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

So much truth in this..

Anyway, if your spouse brings you yummy food occasionally, take a bit and put the rest aside and use it as a treat if its something that lasts (sweets usually can be stored for a while) - He won't do it so much uless he is really trying to test your willpower, what would be very mean...

If he lectures u about what you are eating - unless he is a trained professinal in Nutrionism (or what ever this subject is called) so he can make professional statements about your food and give better alternative if he founds something not suitable for your plan - just tell him friendly that u considered your meal with care and made a choice which fits in your plan (and THINK to your self that for this reason he can shut the *kitten* up)

my BF has been on a long hard ride with me and my struggles for weightlose for the last 7 years and so it was no wonder he was not sure in the beginning, that I will DO it this time... He just didn't anything supportive or unsupportive... just stayed neutral and sometimes I felt rather alone on this trip, but I kept on going and here I am...

Just few weeks ago, somehow after 6 or 7 month of consequence he came to the point that I am serious this time and that I made significant changes. And suddenly he started to comment my success very positively and made sure to let me know how proud he is about what I did and do... He is still munching his potatochips and junkfood in front of me but I really do not care, even if he asks me to try a bit. I can say no and he won't be pissed if I do so.

What I want to point out is, that it's all about you and yourself and if you really want that change and are ready to do it, you'll just do it, no matter what others say or do.

Dear Betty, all the best for you, just keep the person in focus who really matters here: YOU! :flowerforyou:

AglaeaC

My ex used to drag home all sorts of unhealthy food and he never exercised. His body type is slim, but he wouldn't be able to run very far without being completely breathless nor lift heavy weights. Even though I knew these things I still compared myself on some level to his slim contours. I also ate what he ate and on some level was angry at him for bringing that food into the house.

I'm still torn about responsibility; on one hand we are adults and make our own decisions, on the other a loved one could really try to help their family member by not having junk food in the pantry. In the end, he wasn't shoving down the food down my throat, but I ate it voluntarily, and just because he didn't want to take a walk with me, doesn't make it his fault that I was unsuccessful at my lifestyle change.

Others have said it before me, but it is worth repeating. Be the change you need, commit for your own sake, surround yourself with people who give you the support you need (if not in your physical world then online). Take the responsibility, don't blame others for lack of healthy actions in you or them, don't make excuses, look inward and into a mirror. Create health to see health.

skinnymalinkyscot

I feel blessed to have found this amazing forum, we are all vulnerable and the support in this community is what is keepng me going every day. Ive lost count of the number of times my husbands offerings of cream cakes have gone wordlessly into the dustbin, its like watching a cat lay a mouse at my feet, he means well because he loves me, but the more I turn odwn his offers of wine, chocolate or sunday lunch out the more perplexed he is becoming, he can see a new me with a new mental attitude and its nothing to do with my current weight. Actions speak louder than words, so ignore his words and concentrate on you, your diet, your exercise, you dont have to explain a thing. My husband likes to go out birdwatching and this past week I donned a pair of trail boots and a waterproof and said can I come with you? we walked for miles together, when we got home he said he had dreamt about the day I went out with him birdwatching, I didnt have the heart to tell him Im not interested in bird watching so I just explained i wanted a healthy walk., you wouldnt believe the difference it has made in his support of me. He couldnt jump into my world which included repeat yo yo dieting failures which are boring for him, but as soon as I jumped into his world which includes not only birdwatching but offering to help him do the gardening for exercise he now fully gets it. Maybe your husband does something healthy like swimming foootball or golf and oyu could join in HIS stuff. Some men are a little insensitive and need a nudge in the right direction, just chose to go in his direction to make it easier for him.

lcransaw

Big Hugs!
First, I know it imust be hard to not have a supportive spouse who makes awful comments about your weight and food choices. Though I am sure you know that you are the only one that matters, you want to feel support, love and motivation from the one person that you love and who is suppose to love you the most. I get it. But here is what I have learned. Changing your body and your mindset towards a healthy lifestyle is highly personal. You have to tune out everything and everyone else and focus only on yourself. I don't worry about hurting people's feelings, it is all about me. When we have cake in the office for birthdays, I say no thank you. When I was brought a cake, I let everyone enjoy, and I took the rest to my niece and nephew to enjoy. When your husband brought home the fast food, you did the right thing. His reaction was uncalled for, but he may have been hurt because you pointed out that his food choices were unhealthy. Maybe that is why he attacked your food choice. Either way, you have got to build thick skin and YOU control what you eat. My hubby, God Bless him, didn't get it at first either. He knew that I loved Italian food, and picked a restaurant that was off the charts with calories and fat to take me to on one of our date nights. I went, and instead of my usual lasagna, I got a salad with chicken and dressing on the side, one roll with butter, water with lemon and no dessert. I am determined that regardless of what life throws my way, my focus is on making the best choices for me, and as you go along your journey, you will too! Best of Luck!

AglaeaC

lcransaw mentioned going to a restaurant. Sometimes we can try to find a happy medium without insulting/making the other one lose their face, by mentally calculating kcals in, then working out a bit more the next day. This of course depends on who that other person is and whether we assess the occasion important enough to compromise. Doesn't always have to be black or white, but maybe a bit of greyscale or colours even.

I like the idea of non-birdwatching. Spending time with him in silence when he watches the birds isn't bad at all.

tita0427

Prove him wrong...give him something more to drool over...make that your motivation! It may not be the most popular way to handle it, but I bet it will help. :-)

Heavybetty

Thanks EVERYONE for the support!!! This is exactly why I posted this and vented!!! I felt so much better and it kept me on track. I have used MFP in the past but was never really able to stick with it until I discovered the community on here. With all the support and being able to talk openly has really helped me with my new lifestyle change. THANKS AGAIN, you have truly made this new journey easier!!!

erickita89

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

Word. ^ this post all the way.

Willbenchforcupcakes

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

This.

Morninglory81

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

QFT!!!