Unsupported by the one person that matters.

pixie_pix

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

So much truth in this..

Anyway, if your spouse brings you yummy food occasionally, take a bit and put the rest aside and use it as a treat if its something that lasts (sweets usually can be stored for a while) - He won't do it so much uless he is really trying to test your willpower, what would be very mean...

If he lectures u about what you are eating - unless he is a trained professinal in Nutrionism (or what ever this subject is called) so he can make professional statements about your food and give better alternative if he founds something not suitable for your plan - just tell him friendly that u considered your meal with care and made a choice which fits in your plan (and THINK to your self that for this reason he can shut the *kitten* up)

my BF has been on a long hard ride with me and my struggles for weightlose for the last 7 years and so it was no wonder he was not sure in the beginning, that I will DO it this time... He just didn't anything supportive or unsupportive... just stayed neutral and sometimes I felt rather alone on this trip, but I kept on going and here I am...

Just few weeks ago, somehow after 6 or 7 month of consequence he came to the point that I am serious this time and that I made significant changes. And suddenly he started to comment my success very positively and made sure to let me know how proud he is about what I did and do... He is still munching his potatochips and junkfood in front of me but I really do not care, even if he asks me to try a bit. I can say no and he won't be pissed if I do so.

What I want to point out is, that it's all about you and yourself and if you really want that change and are ready to do it, you'll just do it, no matter what others say or do.

Dear Betty, all the best for you, just keep the person in focus who really matters here: YOU! :flowerforyou:

AglaeaC

My ex used to drag home all sorts of unhealthy food and he never exercised. His body type is slim, but he wouldn't be able to run very far without being completely breathless nor lift heavy weights. Even though I knew these things I still compared myself on some level to his slim contours. I also ate what he ate and on some level was angry at him for bringing that food into the house.

I'm still torn about responsibility; on one hand we are adults and make our own decisions, on the other a loved one could really try to help their family member by not having junk food in the pantry. In the end, he wasn't shoving down the food down my throat, but I ate it voluntarily, and just because he didn't want to take a walk with me, doesn't make it his fault that I was unsuccessful at my lifestyle change.

Others have said it before me, but it is worth repeating. Be the change you need, commit for your own sake, surround yourself with people who give you the support you need (if not in your physical world then online). Take the responsibility, don't blame others for lack of healthy actions in you or them, don't make excuses, look inward and into a mirror. Create health to see health.

skinnymalinkyscot

I feel blessed to have found this amazing forum, we are all vulnerable and the support in this community is what is keepng me going every day. Ive lost count of the number of times my husbands offerings of cream cakes have gone wordlessly into the dustbin, its like watching a cat lay a mouse at my feet, he means well because he loves me, but the more I turn odwn his offers of wine, chocolate or sunday lunch out the more perplexed he is becoming, he can see a new me with a new mental attitude and its nothing to do with my current weight. Actions speak louder than words, so ignore his words and concentrate on you, your diet, your exercise, you dont have to explain a thing. My husband likes to go out birdwatching and this past week I donned a pair of trail boots and a waterproof and said can I come with you? we walked for miles together, when we got home he said he had dreamt about the day I went out with him birdwatching, I didnt have the heart to tell him Im not interested in bird watching so I just explained i wanted a healthy walk., you wouldnt believe the difference it has made in his support of me. He couldnt jump into my world which included repeat yo yo dieting failures which are boring for him, but as soon as I jumped into his world which includes not only birdwatching but offering to help him do the gardening for exercise he now fully gets it. Maybe your husband does something healthy like swimming foootball or golf and oyu could join in HIS stuff. Some men are a little insensitive and need a nudge in the right direction, just chose to go in his direction to make it easier for him.

lcransaw

Big Hugs!
First, I know it imust be hard to not have a supportive spouse who makes awful comments about your weight and food choices. Though I am sure you know that you are the only one that matters, you want to feel support, love and motivation from the one person that you love and who is suppose to love you the most. I get it. But here is what I have learned. Changing your body and your mindset towards a healthy lifestyle is highly personal. You have to tune out everything and everyone else and focus only on yourself. I don't worry about hurting people's feelings, it is all about me. When we have cake in the office for birthdays, I say no thank you. When I was brought a cake, I let everyone enjoy, and I took the rest to my niece and nephew to enjoy. When your husband brought home the fast food, you did the right thing. His reaction was uncalled for, but he may have been hurt because you pointed out that his food choices were unhealthy. Maybe that is why he attacked your food choice. Either way, you have got to build thick skin and YOU control what you eat. My hubby, God Bless him, didn't get it at first either. He knew that I loved Italian food, and picked a restaurant that was off the charts with calories and fat to take me to on one of our date nights. I went, and instead of my usual lasagna, I got a salad with chicken and dressing on the side, one roll with butter, water with lemon and no dessert. I am determined that regardless of what life throws my way, my focus is on making the best choices for me, and as you go along your journey, you will too! Best of Luck!

AglaeaC

lcransaw mentioned going to a restaurant. Sometimes we can try to find a happy medium without insulting/making the other one lose their face, by mentally calculating kcals in, then working out a bit more the next day. This of course depends on who that other person is and whether we assess the occasion important enough to compromise. Doesn't always have to be black or white, but maybe a bit of greyscale or colours even.

I like the idea of non-birdwatching. Spending time with him in silence when he watches the birds isn't bad at all.

tita0427

Prove him wrong...give him something more to drool over...make that your motivation! It may not be the most popular way to handle it, but I bet it will help. :-)

Heavybetty

Thanks EVERYONE for the support!!! This is exactly why I posted this and vented!!! I felt so much better and it kept me on track. I have used MFP in the past but was never really able to stick with it until I discovered the community on here. With all the support and being able to talk openly has really helped me with my new lifestyle change. THANKS AGAIN, you have truly made this new journey easier!!!

erickita89

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

Word. ^ this post all the way.

Willbenchforcupcakes

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

This.

Morninglory81

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

QFT!!!

MyChocolateDiet

I've been reluctant to tell my spouse that I have started a new journey counting calories on MFP. I figured he would be unsupportive because I have tried working out and dieting before failing every time. Boy was I correct. He brought me Hardee's this morning which was nice to think of me....but I said no thanks because I was watching what I was eating....he just rolled his eyes and seemed offended. A couple hours later I had a bowl of green beans with parkay spray butter.....his response to me "can I tell you something if you want to watch what your eating a bowl of green beans with a bunch of butter is not gonna help". I was so offended and really pissed off. I know I don't have the best track record but did he really have to say that? I've been really ticked at him all day, when I went to make supper I told him I was entering it in MFP before making it so I knew what calories it would be he said that ain't gonna help you just have to exercise. I then told him he is really irritating me today I just want him to listen to me and be supportive....I guess that is why I haven't told him for two weeks. He then said don't even tell me stuff about that and to get over it and let it go. NO!!! I don't have to let it go it hurt my feelings I just wanted him to listen if he felt a certain way keep it to himself!!!! FYI I know I have to exercise but I want to start slow I figured I would get my eating under control and then start exercise.....I believe introducing little changes at a time before I would try to do everything at once and always ended up quitting.

Thanks I just had to vent and get that off my chest. Good night.

In my experience this rarely works. Well now it's part of your experience database too. Proceed accordingly. Unless he is going to be buying your groceries or doing your workout for you or tailing you 24/7 I see no reason to keep him informed of how you spend your days. Do your thing, don't be secretive but don't volunteer information. You don't need his support or anyone else's. He's just got different ideas about losing weight. Maybe he's successfully trimmed down with a little working out but keeping his food the same. Also it drives people fairly nuts when people act all scared and avoidey about food. It makes them think a) you don't know thing one about weight loss and b) you are trying to use a method that is not sustainable in the long run.

I just saw a lady at the supermarket walk up to two stock guys at the milk fridge and ask for one of the almond milks. She was thin but had a pudgy belly. Then she put it back and then the guy tried to get a fresher one with a newer date for her from the back since he could reach, and she was all "Oh no, I"m not gonna get it, I saw it's got sugar" when she walked away they were shaking their heads until she got out of earshot then they guffawed. When I heard this I turned and they saw me and I couldn't help but smirk, it was like being part of the Borg. THEN she comes back acting all guilty and asking where something is as though giving them the chance to help her since she'd been so rude. They were much less kind this time and were not rude but just whatevs about saying "ummm? aisle 13" in a duh tone. Don't be that lady. Don't let this healthy eating stuff make you wacky. Just next time eat the Hardee's and then tell him now you gotta workout for the extra cals. It seems like he will "get that".

spoiledpuppies

Totally agree with the commenters who have pointed out that YOU are the one person that matters in this. That was my first thought when I saw your post.

But wow. Someone suggested marriage counseling or divorce. Of course, I don't know if his behavior only relates to this area of your lives, but he sounds kind of awful. Just do what you need, and I agree with your strategy of not talking about it with him...though it's unfortunate.

melyndavaz

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

MyOwnSunshine

While it may hurt for him not to support you, you just have to do it for yourself. If we needed everyone else's approval or support to do anything for ourselves, we'd never do anything. Besides, when others (even spouses...especially immature spouses) are not supportive and are actually trying to hold you back from your goals, it's just because your success or efforts to change for the better remind them that they are not doing anything for themselves and they are jealous of your ambition.

You can do this. No worries. It's not about him, it's about you.

This.

What your husband thinks about your efforts doesn't matter at all.

What matters is what you think about your efforts. The only one who can do this is YOU. You make every decision about food and activity, minute by minute, hour by hour, month by month. Making more good decisions than bad is the only way you'll progress and continue to progress. Your husband can do or say anything he wants. As long as you don't let his opinion effect your decisions, you'll be just fine.

Blaming others for lack of support is a bit weak, and I don't intend to be mean by saying that. Support and encouragement is nice, but it's not necessary at all. Resolve, discipline, knowledge and commitment are what matter, and you control every one of those factors. Having a husband who doesn't support you is just an excuse you can use when you fail. Instead of focusing on his words and behaviors, focus on your own and get on with your own success.

P.S. My husband has never given me a compliment about my physical appearance, level of fitness, or ability to make healthy choices. I've been doing this for 2-1/2 years and 110 pounds. Screw him. I look fabulous, feel great, am healthy, and my daughter looks up to me. What he thinks doesn't matter a bit.

MyChocolateDiet

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

lancashiregirl

Sometimes they don't want you to change as they are frightened of losing you. Good luck with your weightloss and stick to it. Change your screen name to beautiful Betty ! X

Fullsterkur_woman

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

Yeah, the whole "just break up" is a "thing" on here and if you're new to it, you may not see it as a joke, but it probably is, unless someone's talking about truly unhealthy behavior.

If you didn't tell him you were changing your eating behavior, then why would he know not to bring you Hardees? I say he gets a pass on that one. The other stuff, not so much. Counseling would probably be helpful. At least if he can't think of something supportive to say, he can learn to button his lip. Oh, and you can learn to engage in healthy behavior for yourself regardless of the actions of others around you. That's a real skill that'll serve you in every part of your life!

jetlag

I've been reluctant to tell my spouse that I have started a new journey counting calories on MFP. I figured he would be unsupportive because I have tried working out and dieting before failing every time. Boy was I correct. He brought me Hardee's this morning which was nice to think of me....but I said no thanks because I was watching what I was eating....he just rolled his eyes and seemed offended. A couple hours later I had a bowl of green beans with parkay spray butter.....his response to me "can I tell you something if you want to watch what your eating a bowl of green beans with a bunch of butter is not gonna help". I was so offended and really pissed off. I know I don't have the best track record but did he really have to say that? I've been really ticked at him all day, when I went to make supper I told him I was entering it in MFP before making it so I knew what calories it would be he said that ain't gonna help you just have to exercise. I then told him he is really irritating me today I just want him to listen to me and be supportive....I guess that is why I haven't told him for two weeks. He then said don't even tell me stuff about that and to get over it and let it go. NO!!! I don't have to let it go it hurt my feelings I just wanted him to listen if he felt a certain way keep it to himself!!!! FYI I know I have to exercise but I want to start slow I figured I would get my eating under control and then start exercise.....I believe introducing little changes at a time before I would try to do everything at once and always ended up quitting.

Thanks I just had to vent and get that off my chest. Good night.

Betty,

I don't know if it's any consolation to you, but he is dead wrong about both your food and exercise. You can have butter, if it fits your calories AND lose weight without vigorous exercise. I eat butter and only walk and do yoga and I'm losing weight. I hope to do more later when I've shed enough weight that I can exercise without injuring myself (long story). It's just an old fashioned way of thinking about losing weight. It's possible he's just abrupt, rather than deliberately unsupportive?

Google "Joe Friel Base training" and tell him that's what you're doing. If you're very unfit/overweight, then walking is perfect exercise!

It seems that there are other issues here that need addressing, though.

Fullsterkur_woman

I don't know if it's any consolation to you, but he is dead wrong about both your food and exercise. You can have butter, if it fits your calories AND lose weight without vigorous exercise. I eat butter and only walk and do yoga and I'm losing weight. I hope to do more later when I've shed enough weight that I can exercise without injuring myself (long story).

100% correct.

melyndavaz

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

I understand that, I really do. Sometimes people are just looking for support and that is what they should get.

It is so harsh on here at times.