Unsupported by the one person that matters.

MyChocolateDiet

I've been reluctant to tell my spouse that I have started a new journey counting calories on MFP. I figured he would be unsupportive because I have tried working out and dieting before failing every time. Boy was I correct. He brought me Hardee's this morning which was nice to think of me....but I said no thanks because I was watching what I was eating....he just rolled his eyes and seemed offended. A couple hours later I had a bowl of green beans with parkay spray butter.....his response to me "can I tell you something if you want to watch what your eating a bowl of green beans with a bunch of butter is not gonna help". I was so offended and really pissed off. I know I don't have the best track record but did he really have to say that? I've been really ticked at him all day, when I went to make supper I told him I was entering it in MFP before making it so I knew what calories it would be he said that ain't gonna help you just have to exercise. I then told him he is really irritating me today I just want him to listen to me and be supportive....I guess that is why I haven't told him for two weeks. He then said don't even tell me stuff about that and to get over it and let it go. NO!!! I don't have to let it go it hurt my feelings I just wanted him to listen if he felt a certain way keep it to himself!!!! FYI I know I have to exercise but I want to start slow I figured I would get my eating under control and then start exercise.....I believe introducing little changes at a time before I would try to do everything at once and always ended up quitting.

Thanks I just had to vent and get that off my chest. Good night.

In my experience this rarely works. Well now it's part of your experience database too. Proceed accordingly. Unless he is going to be buying your groceries or doing your workout for you or tailing you 24/7 I see no reason to keep him informed of how you spend your days. Do your thing, don't be secretive but don't volunteer information. You don't need his support or anyone else's. He's just got different ideas about losing weight. Maybe he's successfully trimmed down with a little working out but keeping his food the same. Also it drives people fairly nuts when people act all scared and avoidey about food. It makes them think a) you don't know thing one about weight loss and b) you are trying to use a method that is not sustainable in the long run.

I just saw a lady at the supermarket walk up to two stock guys at the milk fridge and ask for one of the almond milks. She was thin but had a pudgy belly. Then she put it back and then the guy tried to get a fresher one with a newer date for her from the back since he could reach, and she was all "Oh no, I"m not gonna get it, I saw it's got sugar" when she walked away they were shaking their heads until she got out of earshot then they guffawed. When I heard this I turned and they saw me and I couldn't help but smirk, it was like being part of the Borg. THEN she comes back acting all guilty and asking where something is as though giving them the chance to help her since she'd been so rude. They were much less kind this time and were not rude but just whatevs about saying "ummm? aisle 13" in a duh tone. Don't be that lady. Don't let this healthy eating stuff make you wacky. Just next time eat the Hardee's and then tell him now you gotta workout for the extra cals. It seems like he will "get that".

spoiledpuppies

Totally agree with the commenters who have pointed out that YOU are the one person that matters in this. That was my first thought when I saw your post.

But wow. Someone suggested marriage counseling or divorce. Of course, I don't know if his behavior only relates to this area of your lives, but he sounds kind of awful. Just do what you need, and I agree with your strategy of not talking about it with him...though it's unfortunate.

melyndavaz

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

MyOwnSunshine

While it may hurt for him not to support you, you just have to do it for yourself. If we needed everyone else's approval or support to do anything for ourselves, we'd never do anything. Besides, when others (even spouses...especially immature spouses) are not supportive and are actually trying to hold you back from your goals, it's just because your success or efforts to change for the better remind them that they are not doing anything for themselves and they are jealous of your ambition.

You can do this. No worries. It's not about him, it's about you.

This.

What your husband thinks about your efforts doesn't matter at all.

What matters is what you think about your efforts. The only one who can do this is YOU. You make every decision about food and activity, minute by minute, hour by hour, month by month. Making more good decisions than bad is the only way you'll progress and continue to progress. Your husband can do or say anything he wants. As long as you don't let his opinion effect your decisions, you'll be just fine.

Blaming others for lack of support is a bit weak, and I don't intend to be mean by saying that. Support and encouragement is nice, but it's not necessary at all. Resolve, discipline, knowledge and commitment are what matter, and you control every one of those factors. Having a husband who doesn't support you is just an excuse you can use when you fail. Instead of focusing on his words and behaviors, focus on your own and get on with your own success.

P.S. My husband has never given me a compliment about my physical appearance, level of fitness, or ability to make healthy choices. I've been doing this for 2-1/2 years and 110 pounds. Screw him. I look fabulous, feel great, am healthy, and my daughter looks up to me. What he thinks doesn't matter a bit.

MyChocolateDiet

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

lancashiregirl

Sometimes they don't want you to change as they are frightened of losing you. Good luck with your weightloss and stick to it. Change your screen name to beautiful Betty ! X

Fullsterkur_woman

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

Yeah, the whole "just break up" is a "thing" on here and if you're new to it, you may not see it as a joke, but it probably is, unless someone's talking about truly unhealthy behavior.

If you didn't tell him you were changing your eating behavior, then why would he know not to bring you Hardees? I say he gets a pass on that one. The other stuff, not so much. Counseling would probably be helpful. At least if he can't think of something supportive to say, he can learn to button his lip. Oh, and you can learn to engage in healthy behavior for yourself regardless of the actions of others around you. That's a real skill that'll serve you in every part of your life!

jetlag

I've been reluctant to tell my spouse that I have started a new journey counting calories on MFP. I figured he would be unsupportive because I have tried working out and dieting before failing every time. Boy was I correct. He brought me Hardee's this morning which was nice to think of me....but I said no thanks because I was watching what I was eating....he just rolled his eyes and seemed offended. A couple hours later I had a bowl of green beans with parkay spray butter.....his response to me "can I tell you something if you want to watch what your eating a bowl of green beans with a bunch of butter is not gonna help". I was so offended and really pissed off. I know I don't have the best track record but did he really have to say that? I've been really ticked at him all day, when I went to make supper I told him I was entering it in MFP before making it so I knew what calories it would be he said that ain't gonna help you just have to exercise. I then told him he is really irritating me today I just want him to listen to me and be supportive....I guess that is why I haven't told him for two weeks. He then said don't even tell me stuff about that and to get over it and let it go. NO!!! I don't have to let it go it hurt my feelings I just wanted him to listen if he felt a certain way keep it to himself!!!! FYI I know I have to exercise but I want to start slow I figured I would get my eating under control and then start exercise.....I believe introducing little changes at a time before I would try to do everything at once and always ended up quitting.

Thanks I just had to vent and get that off my chest. Good night.

Betty,

I don't know if it's any consolation to you, but he is dead wrong about both your food and exercise. You can have butter, if it fits your calories AND lose weight without vigorous exercise. I eat butter and only walk and do yoga and I'm losing weight. I hope to do more later when I've shed enough weight that I can exercise without injuring myself (long story). It's just an old fashioned way of thinking about losing weight. It's possible he's just abrupt, rather than deliberately unsupportive?

Google "Joe Friel Base training" and tell him that's what you're doing. If you're very unfit/overweight, then walking is perfect exercise!

It seems that there are other issues here that need addressing, though.

Fullsterkur_woman

I don't know if it's any consolation to you, but he is dead wrong about both your food and exercise. You can have butter, if it fits your calories AND lose weight without vigorous exercise. I eat butter and only walk and do yoga and I'm losing weight. I hope to do more later when I've shed enough weight that I can exercise without injuring myself (long story).

100% correct.

melyndavaz

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

I understand that, I really do. Sometimes people are just looking for support and that is what they should get.

It is so harsh on here at times.

Heavybetty

Whoahhhh.....I just needed to vent he didn't send me off course by his behavior and I wasn't mad he brought me Hardee's I was just pissed that he rolled his eyes about me watching what I was eating. It was my way of getting it off my chest with supportive people or people that might understand where i was coming from. I must admit I am a sensitive person and maybe read more into what people are really meaning sometimes. I just had to get it off my chest before I went to bed.

Heavybetty

Maybe get marriage counseling? Or divorce? Sounds like you are pretty unhappy and unable to talk to your husband. Best of luck OP and hope you find a solution that best makes you happy :flowerforyou:

Seriously, who suggests divorce to someone? Why does hiding behind a 'keyboard' make it ok to just be horrible?

There are two sides to every story. We are here to be supportive not judgmental. I know what its like to not feel supported, it sucks, but it is not every aspect of someones life with that other person. No one knows the couples history other then them. I'm not saying that this is the case by any means but who says the person venting isn't usually the one not supportive and the other person is showing them what it feels like. There are so many pieces to the marriage puzzle and it is totally out of line for anyone on a social media site to suggest anything without knowing the ENTIRE situation.

That post looks kind of like it's meant as sarcasm. Sometimes on this site I notice when people are very very angry with someone in their real life, someone will chime in with the most extreme of possible solutions I presume to help that person get some perspective real fast. It's kind of a way to diffuse things and get that person back in the corner of their SO to remind them...hey I'm really angry right now but I'm not about to do anything to make it worse because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water. This reply read that way to me.

I understand that, I really do. Sometimes people are just looking for support and that is what they should get.

It is so harsh on here at times.

Yep that's it. I just wanted to say what was bothering at that time....

AglaeaC

What your husband thinks about your efforts doesn't matter at all.
...
P.S. My husband has never given me a compliment about my physical appearance, level of fitness, or ability to make healthy choices. I've been doing this for 2-1/2 years and 110 pounds. Screw him. I look fabulous, feel great, am healthy, and my daughter looks up to me. What he thinks doesn't matter a bit.

I'm sorry, I think this is extremely sad. Not hearing compliments from one's own spouse, supposedly best friend, is sad. And it is sad to be in a place where you say "Screw him" or "What he thinks doesn't matter".

HeatherSanto

::hugs::

I'm so feeling you. I was like you, on and off and failing over and over again. When I started MFP was not around or as popular that I would have known about it and I had this little portable thingy. Anyways, my 10 year boyfriend who is my EX, wasn't supportive at all. He thought it was just going to be another round of 'dieting' and then go back to normal. When I said I needed a freaking $20 exercise mat he said that it was a waste of money and I'd never use it. Yeah, that thing is beat to hell and back 8 years later.

I didn't say anything. I ignored him. Low and behold Mr. " You're too fat to have sex with" came running as the weight came off. He still did stupid *kitten* to irritate me and in the end I kicked his @ss to the curb for being awful through the whole thing. Big difference is that this is your husband, vs a long term boyfriend so I'm hoping that he sees that you are staying with it. For me, as I went on the journey I realized that we weren't meant to be and I was right. My hubby now is TOTALLY on board. He will give me calorie counts and everything because of my dedication to MFP.

If you want a friend, feel free to friend me. You CAN do this because in the end this is YOUR journey and you need to do it for you.

aliasbee

I've noticed some people are unsupportive because they don't believe they can control their own bodies, so how could you? It's a fear thing. They are afraid of trying and failing, so they like to think they are being wiser by shaking their head at you for dieting, when they are really just running away from the problem.

I was this way myself for a good long while. I felt like I had no choice about gaining weight because my family just did that. And also I had a lot of unhealthy binge fad dieters in my family that scared me off. I feel a whole lot better about myself, and with other people's decisions now that I've let go of that belief/misunderstanding/fear

Maybe you could ask him why he doesn't seem to like you dieting? I think communication can only help. :-) You may assume it's just because you've failed in the past, but maybe there is more to it than that. Maybe he doesn't want to see you depressed about it? Maybe he's just got some personal fears about it like I did.

gigglybeth

The one person that matters.... is you. Let his naysaying be your motivation. Prove him wrong.

Amen to that.

Stellasgma1

I agree with the ones who say it is about you. People in our lives will act in the manner they feel fit. We have to take it upon ourselves to find support where we can. If it was my husband I would let him know how disappointed I was in his attitude and why. I would put his careless remarks out of my head by venting on here or another form of release.

You are at the step where you move on with or without him. Do it for yourself now and don't let anything stop you.

Stellasgma1

I agree with the ones who say it is about you. People in our lives will act in the manner they feel fit. We have to take it upon ourselves to find support where we can. If it was my husband I would let him know how disappointed I was in his attitude and why. I would put his careless remarks out of my head by venting on here or another form of release.
You are at the step where you move on with or without him. Do it for yourself now and don't let anything stop you.

MyOwnSunshine

What your husband thinks about your efforts doesn't matter at all.
...
P.S. My husband has never given me a compliment about my physical appearance, level of fitness, or ability to make healthy choices. I've been doing this for 2-1/2 years and 110 pounds. Screw him. I look fabulous, feel great, am healthy, and my daughter looks up to me. What he thinks doesn't matter a bit.

I'm sorry, I think this is extremely sad. Not hearing compliments from one's own spouse, supposedly best friend, is sad. And it is sad to be in a place where you say "Screw him" or "What he thinks doesn't matter".

Meh. He's incredibly insecure with a tendency to be controlling. We both had extremely dysfunctional childhoods, and for some reason our relationship works, but I have to have strong and well-defined boundaries in order for it to be any kind of functional. I think that in some ways he is very happy for me, but his life was much easier when I had low self-esteem, severe depression, spent all my free time watching TV (his favorite pastime) and bought and cooked every kind of junk food imaginable in large quantities. I hold him to higher standards now, take much less **** from him and live a positive, independent life.

He has some good qualities, and I have some dysfunctional qualities. Neither one of us is perfect, and while our relationship could probably be improved, it works for us now. I refuse to use his negativity, insecurity and laziness as an excuse to do or be less than I am capable of in my life.

I'm very happy that you have a perfect marriage. It gives the rest of us emotional f-tards something to aspire to, I guess.

maritsa88

I have somehow the same problem. The one person that matters to me is thin and very muscular,on the other side i'm the chubby one or the fat one. He never tells me a bad word about me but i do not feel ok to be with him. He always takes me to the best places with the most delicious food and really i cannot resist. He eats and he doesn't gain any kilos and i gain each time. I do not want this to continue but i'm afraid that there will be a problem. And this is not really supportive i really do not know what to do.He says he supports me but he doen't in real action.

Betty this wasn't the right attitude you should discuss it with him!And please keep going!Best of luck honey!

AglaeaC

What your husband thinks about your efforts doesn't matter at all.
...
P.S. My husband has never given me a compliment about my physical appearance, level of fitness, or ability to make healthy choices. I've been doing this for 2-1/2 years and 110 pounds. Screw him. I look fabulous, feel great, am healthy, and my daughter looks up to me. What he thinks doesn't matter a bit.

I'm sorry, I think this is extremely sad. Not hearing compliments from one's own spouse, supposedly best friend, is sad. And it is sad to be in a place where you say "Screw him" or "What he thinks doesn't matter".

Meh. He's incredibly insecure with a tendency to be controlling. We both had extremely dysfunctional childhoods, and for some reason our relationship works, but I have to have strong and well-defined boundaries in order for it to be any kind of functional. I think that in some ways he is very happy for me, but his life was much easier when I had low self-esteem, severe depression, spent all my free time watching TV (his favorite pastime) and bought and cooked every kind of junk food imaginable in large quantities. I hold him to higher standards now, take much less **** from him and live a positive, independent life.

He has some good qualities, and I have some dysfunctional qualities. Neither one of us is perfect, and while our relationship could probably be improved, it works for us now. I refuse to use his negativity, insecurity and laziness as an excuse to do or be less than I am capable of in my life.

I'm very happy that you have a perfect marriage. It gives the rest of us emotional f-tards something to aspire to, I guess.

I don't have a marriage, thanks, I'm divorced after years of psychological abuse. Glad you have found balance in yours.

MyOwnSunshine

What your husband thinks about your efforts doesn't matter at all.
...
P.S. My husband has never given me a compliment about my physical appearance, level of fitness, or ability to make healthy choices. I've been doing this for 2-1/2 years and 110 pounds. Screw him. I look fabulous, feel great, am healthy, and my daughter looks up to me. What he thinks doesn't matter a bit.

I'm sorry, I think this is extremely sad. Not hearing compliments from one's own spouse, supposedly best friend, is sad. And it is sad to be in a place where you say "Screw him" or "What he thinks doesn't matter".

Meh. He's incredibly insecure with a tendency to be controlling. We both had extremely dysfunctional childhoods, and for some reason our relationship works, but I have to have strong and well-defined boundaries in order for it to be any kind of functional. I think that in some ways he is very happy for me, but his life was much easier when I had low self-esteem, severe depression, spent all my free time watching TV (his favorite pastime) and bought and cooked every kind of junk food imaginable in large quantities. I hold him to higher standards now, take much less **** from him and live a positive, independent life.

He has some good qualities, and I have some dysfunctional qualities. Neither one of us is perfect, and while our relationship could probably be improved, it works for us now. I refuse to use his negativity, insecurity and laziness as an excuse to do or be less than I am capable of in my life.

I'm very happy that you have a perfect marriage. It gives the rest of us emotional f-tards something to aspire to, I guess.

I don't have a marriage, thanks, I'm divorced after years of psychological abuse. Glad you have found balance in yours.

Mine used to be similar. We separated for a year, and decided that we could grow up enough and treat each other well enough to be together to provide a decent family for our daughter. I let him run the show the first time around. This time around, I run the show, and I give his negative, insecure, controlling tendencies the thought they deserve -- none. Hence the "screw him" remark.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt (after 3 years of therapy for eating and other issues) that you have to meet your own needs first and live the life you want in order to be happy. When you condition your success on the support of anyone, you are setting yourself up to have a great excuse when you fail.

My marriage works now because I make good decisions based on the best interests, goals and future desired outcomes for my daughter and I. I am generally smart, well-informed, committed and disciplined in meeting my goals. Since I made these changes in my life, I have lost 110 pounds and kept it off for over 2 years, I squat and bench my body weight, I run several miles at a time, I work full time, I'm a nearly-full time student in a fairly prestigious doctorate program, and I'm a great mother, despite my lack of decent parenting or family support. If my husband wants to come along for the ride, he is welcome, but he is no longer allowed to push me down in order to assuage his insecurities.

Weight loss and maintenance actually requires a very similar mindset to having a successful marriage or being successful in life. It takes a heck of a lot of work on a daily basis and requires getting up and trying again after every failure. It's not easy at all, but it is possible with a lot of work and persistence.

aliasbee

Weight loss and maintenance actually requires a very similar mindset to having a successful marriage or being successful in life. It takes a heck of a lot of work on a daily basis and requires getting up and trying again after every failure. It's not easy at all, but it is possible with a lot of work and persistence.

I mostly agree with this. You and your body are the number one relationship you should worry about. I think like any relationship, it can get easier as you spend due diligence on it, and what used to take hours of effort might turn into a good habit instead.

It's great to share your time with a companion, married, friend or whatever, but if you don't put yourself and your needs first, it can end up being a strain on any other relationship you have. We can chose people we deal with, but we can't choose our bodies. We can only work together with them to find the most confident and satisfied us we can be.

Gidzmo

Each and every one of us has got at least one unsupportive person close...sad, but true. Find friends here and stick to your plan! It's OK to be a little egoistic - this is your life and your body.

Hang in there and keep going anyway.