Damn. Back handed compliments.

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HappyKat5
HappyKat5 Posts: 369 Member
in Chit-Chat
I’m about to go to bed, but wanna know your thoughts, because its been on my mind all day.
So, today I saw a friend that I haven’t seen for awhile (it’s been about 2 months) and she said, “Omg! You look so great!” Backstory, I have always have a positive outlook on life (or at least tried to...I think) but as I got into my car, I started thinking, “Damn, she said I look great now, so did I look bad back then?” It’s such a weird compliment because you want to feel happy about the changes that you made to get healthy, slim down, reverse medical issues and that you are trying make better choices, but it also makes you wonder what people thought of you before. Hmmm?
Thoughts?
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Replies

  • comptonelizabeth
    comptonelizabeth Posts: 1,701 Member
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    I don't know the answer but this did make me smile, because I do this all the time. I suffer from a chronic illness and if people tell me I look well, I find myself wondering if what they're really saying is, I don't believe you're ill. But if they say gosh, you don't look well, I think, gee thanks, I don't need to hear that.
    I am trying to train myself to just take compliments at face value. This person thought you looked great. Take it for what it was and don't overthink. :)
  • iamunicoon
    iamunicoon Posts: 839 Member
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    To be honest, I often question nice things people tell me, too. So I may have the same doubts as you in this situation.

    As an outsider, however, this is really just a plain compliment to me. First of all - assuming you're quoting her correctly - it's you who added the 'now' to the 'you look great'. She said nothing about that, so she's not implying that you look better now than you did before.

    I think with this compliment, it's kind of an unclear thing. Because even if people do mean that you look better now, it doesn't have to mean that you looked bad before because of your body shape but maybe it's obvious you like yourself better now, you seem happier or more confident or whatever, and that would make it a nice compliment again.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
    edited April 2018
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    It's just a common thing to say to someone who's lost weight. I wouldn't over-analyze. When people compliment you, they just want to let you know that they've noticed the changes you've made so they use whatever commonly used compliment phrase that comes to mind. They don't usually carefully choose every word to mean something. When you tell someone a new haircut looks great, do you carefully choose every word and you actually mean to tell them that their hair looked terribly ugly before?

    Any compliment can be turned around to mean what it doesn't. "So you think I looked fat before?", "so you think I looked unattractively unhealthy before?", "so you think I was lazy before?", "so you think I wasn't capable of making good choices before?"...etc.

    I personally don't consider this particular compliment backhanded (or most compliments for that matter) unless there was a clear tone/look that indicated it was. Even then, I have a habit of taking things at face value and question my perception in these cases. Getting all annoyed about something that could be all in my head isn't worth it, and if it wasn't all in my head, getting all riled up and upset feels bad and changes nothing, so I try to avoid it where possible.

    It's important to understand that just as I have an inner dialogue and hidden judgments, so do other people. It's perfectly normal for them to notice things about me. I sometimes notice imperfections/improvements in other people, but it really means nothing. These are just observations that don't change the way I feel about someone. My best friend broke her nose when she was a child and it healed funny. I notice it. I think it's quirky. I think it's unique, but I wouldn't want it on my face. I also think she would look odd without it. I love my friend.
  • MalkinMagic71
    MalkinMagic71 Posts: 1,433 Member
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    sijomial wrote: »
    “Omg! You look so great!”
    Clear, unequivocal and simple statement. Nothing weird in those words at all. It's just a compliment and nothing backhanded in those words at all.

    You could just accept the compliment without searching for hidden caveats.

    That you imagine a hidden "but you looked awful before" either means you have a low opinion of your friend or more likely a self confidence issue if it's been on your mind all day.

    "I like your new haircut" does not mean "your old haircut made it look like you had been dragged through a hedge".



    100% this.
  • JaydedMiss
    JaydedMiss Posts: 4,286 Member
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    Omg! You look so great! = Damn, You look great! Theres nothing hidden no "now but not before" Nothing to be taken wrong it simple means you in that moment look great and shes likely proud of you, Anything you choose to read into it and be unhappy about is your own insecurities reflecting back on you. Choose to be happy and learn to take a compliment :p
  • bojack3
    bojack3 Posts: 1,483 Member
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    Saying someone looks great is not what I would consider a backhanded compliment. It's exactly what it says....you look great. It can be said everyday to the same person if they look great. It gets a little tricky when people add to it. Like you look great, did you lose weight? Even if it's meant to be a compliment it can make someone self concious.....especially if you DIDN'T lose weight. Now you think you have to. I think keep it simple, and take the positive out of any kind words.
  • comptonelizabeth
    comptonelizabeth Posts: 1,701 Member
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    jojo6mfp wrote: »
    Maybe she was expecting you to look worse than you used to , not in a bad way , you just looked healthier than she expected after so much time ??

    I know what you mean though, I met my daughters future mother in law 2 years after meeting her future father in law and I knew she was old enough to be my mother but was told she looked more my age and beautiful, glamorous, long flowing hair, lovely and friendly . When I met her, she had short bobbed grey hair and she was wearing a sari ( she’s not aisian or Muslim ), I just though aw she’s a sweet little old lady and yea looked glam in the sari, first thing she said to me was “ well your not what I expected “ (I’d put in a little weight on my tummy and was conscious of it ) I jokingly said I’m not that bad am I? She said just different , looking me up and down , I just smiled and continued the conversation to get to try to get to know her, but everything she said was stand off ish defensive.
    I just thought to myself, you know what I may not be whatever she expected but at least I’m true to myself and I don’t snob anyone no matter what their status.

    You just be you and be proud , who cares what anyone else thinks Hunni , laugh it off if they’re petty xx

    Maybe she picked up on you seeing her as a 'sweet little old lady'?
  • Fisah17
    Fisah17 Posts: 202 Member
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    I don't mind it. I think someone taking notice of all my hard work is more important to me than someone not noticing the changes :)
  • saragd012
    saragd012 Posts: 693 Member
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    Honestly I don't think that was meant as a back-handed compliment, just a true compliment. I'm sure she just thought you looked great, and wanted to tell you. Just like if you were to compliment a woman's outfit, you aren't saying her other ones are ugly. I compliment people all the time, I appreciate genuine compliments so I've always just assumed other people do too, it's meant to make them feel good!
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,751 Member
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    Haha.... I sometimes think like that.

    I teach kids (and for the past couple of years, all girls), and choose not to wear much makeup (if any). In my head, I don't need makeup to make me a good teacher, and for some reason, adding anything to my face seems to make me look like I'm wearing a shop full even when I try for minimal and natural.

    On occasion, I "dress up" and wear makeup- for evening school concerts and end of year performances. I've had a couple of girls (7/8 years old) tell me how pretty I look... And I've jokingly asked if they thought I wasn't normally. They were mortified! Hehe.

  • princess7955
    princess7955 Posts: 1,277 Member
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    CoffeeAndContour wrote: »
    "such a pretty face". meaning everything else is nayyy

    I've got this before, from my very posh aunt.

    She also called me a "simple" person. Which, I guess by definition is semi-true as I'm pretty low-maintenance in life. But I was über offended.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
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    CoffeeAndContour wrote: »
    "such a pretty face". meaning everything else is nayyy

    I simply take it that they like my face. It could be that they like my body but not want to comment on my body because it would sound weird. It could be that they think my face stands out as attractive (like you would tell someone they have pretty hair). It could be that they think if they told me I was beautiful I would feel that they're disingenuous because an obese body is not typically seen as attractive so they assume I feel that way about mine. It could be that they like my face and want to let me know they like it, but feel my body is less attractive, in which case I don't take it personally because people like what they like. It could also be that they simply said the first thing that came to mind and I'm reading too much into it.

    Really, no use in over-analyzing hidden meanings because it could be anything or nothing at all. I take things at face value and I'm happier for it.

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