Spouses who don't share your fitness/nutrition goals

shanniepk

I have made fitness and nutrition a lifestyle, and want to eventually make it a part-time passion and get certified to train/instruct classes to help other achieve their goals. Problem is, my husband is not on board. The more I exercise, the more he resists healthy eating or workouts. He just flat out refuses to do any workouts (with or without me) and healthy food just doesn’t interest him at all. I keep hoping he’ll come around, but it’s been 3 years and he seems to be going further the other way. And with his health issues and family history, he should be watching food/working out. Bottom line, he’s sick of me talking about my workouts/runs and eating healthy. I am not giving up my full-time profession or anything, but was hoping he would be somewhat supportive. So, I’m a frustrated that I can’t discuss it with him because it’s a big part of who I am and a definite interest/hobby. I explained this, but his answers are “don’t I know it” and it seems to falls on deaf ears. I almost want to quit or scale way back because I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship. I’m torn. Do I scale back my workouts, not talk about fitness/nutrition at all with him? Ironically, I stopped talking about work years ago for the same reasons, which is why I turned to exercise to relieve stress from my demanding job.

micheleb15

In my opinion, neither of you should have to change. You shouldn't give up your workouts and he shouldn't have to start working out or eat better. You are both adults and can make your own decisions. My husband and I can't always talk about our day due to our jobs, but I prefer to leave work at work anyway. There has to be balance.

daniellescsu

Don't scale back your workouts! If it is something you are very passionate about and you scale back for your husband, you might start to resent him for it. Do you have any close friends that would like to talk about workouts?

Francl27

Keep doing what you're doing. Just maybe don't talk about it too much. I'm in the same boat, honestly, and there's really not much I can talk to my husband about anymore, but oh well.

TR0berts

it’s been 3 years and he seems to be going further the other way.
...
So, I’m a frustrated that I can’t discuss it with him because it’s a big part of who I am and a definite interest/hobby. I explained this, but his answers are “don’t I know it” and it seems to falls on deaf ears.
...
Ironically, I stopped talking about work years ago for the same reasons, which is why I turned to exercise to relieve stress from my demanding job.

1: If he stays stagnant (doesn't actually go the other way) or moves forward (at a slower pace than you), then it may "seem" to be going the other way, even though he isn't.

2/3: Then it sounds, quite simply, like you talk too much about it. He may be glad/interested to see your progress, but he probably is tired of hearing every little detail about every little thing. Just something to consider - you may be coming across as a nag in his eyes. Of course, this may not be the case, but you should ask yourself (and be honest with the answer) if that's the case.


As an example, my wife doesn't share the same goals as I do. When she asks me how my workout went, I just tell her it was good, bad, or however. If I'm particularly pumped about a PR, then I'll tell her - briefly. If I'm annoyed at a failure or something, I'll mention it - briefly.

Kittyvicious1

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

shanniepk

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

Thanks. We have been married 16 years. Just started seriously exercising 3 years ago. But you are very right...I "rarely" nag, complain, or dwell on anything, but I do care about him and his health. Just hate to see him going down the same path as his father that died at 40. My husband will be 40 this year.

nicoledj27

I share a similar struggle with my husband. But he isn't (and never has been) overweight, and is generally healthy (no health ailments) but he is not living a healthy lifestyle at all. He does minimal exercise (sometimes lifts weights) and eats crap. When I started losing weight, he wouldn't join me in exercising , and wouldn't eat healthy with me (and he still doesn't). His way of "encouraging" me was belittling me, he thought he was helping motivate me to lose weight (not necessarily get healthy). I tried throwing out all of the unhealthy junk food, and processed foods, and he wouldn't let me. In the beginning I had very little self control, and if it was in front of me, I would eat it. I told him I didn't want him bringing fast food and soda home, and he did anyway and said he wasn't the one who needed to lose weight. When I try to do at home workout he pokes fun at me and tells me not to waste my money because they don't work, and instead tells me to go run. When I make a healthy meal, he expects me to make a separate unhealthy meal for him because he won't eat it. I tell him if he doesn't like what I cook, he can make his own food, and that's when he gets fast food and brings it home. I still have 30lbs to lose until I reach my goal weight and I feel like I've been struggling alone the whole way. I never had a weight problem until I was pregnant, and since I had the baby it's been so hard to lose it. I've tried reaching out to friends but none of them feel the need to get healthy (similar to my husband, not overweight, but no desire to live a healthy lifestyle).

We recently started seeing a marriage counselor, because besides just the exercising and being healthy, it really feels like we're just two people living under the same roof living separate lives. We haven't been going long, but enough that I am noticing small changes, like he doesn't belittle me anymore about my weight. But he is still bringing unhealthy food home. I'm also seeing a counselor myself to work on my self esteem and my battle with emotional eating.

shanniepk

it’s been 3 years and he seems to be going further the other way.
...
So, I’m a frustrated that I can’t discuss it with him because it’s a big part of who I am and a definite interest/hobby. I explained this, but his answers are “don’t I know it” and it seems to falls on deaf ears.
...
Ironically, I stopped talking about work years ago for the same reasons, which is why I turned to exercise to relieve stress from my demanding job.

1: If he stays stagnant (doesn't actually go the other way) or moves forward (at a slower pace than you), then it may "seem" to be going the other way, even though he isn't.

2/3: Then it sounds, quite simply, like you talk too much about it. He may be glad/interested to see your progress, but he probably is tired of hearing every little detail about every little thing. Just something to consider - you may be coming across as a nag in his eyes. Of course, this may not be the case, but you should ask yourself (and be honest with the answer) if that's the case.


As an example, my wife doesn't share the same goals as I do. When she asks me how my workout went, I just tell her it was good, bad, or however. If I'm particularly pumped about a PR, then I'll tell her - briefly. If I'm annoyed at a failure or something, I'll mention it - briefly.

You are right. I will not talk about it. Would be nice to have a spouse that would share the same interests, but we can't have it all:).

cebreisch

This is one of those things where the saying applies: "Love him where he's at."

Right now, he's not where you are in wanting to get fit or eat healthy. Unfortunately, he may be taking your attempts to share what's going on with you as an attempt to get him to get on board too. I'm sure you hoped he would, but you weren't likely doing it to PUSH him that way - although he's probably taking it that way through no fault of your own.

I know you've been on this path for about 3 years. I started in April 2011. In December 2011, my husband finally decided to start logging his food on MFP. He said he didn't realize how bad the stuff was for him that he thought was relatively healthy. It was only then that we could start having conversations about stuff.

It's hard to learn how to communicate with each other...my husband and I have been married 19 years and still have issues sometimes.

deksgrl

Leave him alone. He doesn't want to at this time, and trying to force it on him or expect him to participate will only cause resentment.

HornedFrogPride

This is a tough situation. Going through a similar struggle with my wife of almost 20 yrs. She runs sometimes (maybe 1-2X/week), doesn't work out much, eating too much junk food. I'm under doctors orders to change my diet & nutrition, lower my cholesterol, & lose weight and sometimes she is supportive of that but much of the time she is not (especially in the nutritional area). She's bringing WAY too much junk food/sugar (she has a sweet tooth or teeth) into our house and that affects not only her and I, but our young daughter as well. Makes me concerned about prediabetes and diabetes for our whole family. I recently told my wife I was entering another running challenge and she almost threw her phone at me 'til I fully explained it to her so I guess you could say our frustration is mutual. She's run half-marathons a few times and I just ran a 5K with her last month (I signed her up) but it's extremely hard for me to motivate her and inspire her to change and I've tried almost everything I can think of. (In fairness, I'm sure she'd love to change things about me, too. Less running, primarily.) I try to have open, honest dialogue & discussions with her about this periodically (losing weight & better nutrition) but the better nutrition stuff goes in one ear and out the other so I've tried to approach it carefully, delicately, tactfully, and diplomatically. I think I'm going to try randomly throwing out junk food in our house and see what happens. Don't know what else I can do. I've exhausted almost my entire playbook of ideas to help her improve her fitness & nutrition, too-maybe I've been too direct, I don't know.

Francl27

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

Thanks. We have been married 16 years. Just started seriously exercising 3 years ago. But you are very right...I "rarely" nag, complain, or dwell on anything, but I do care about him and his health. Just hate to see him going down the same path as his father that died at 40. My husband will be 40 this year.

My father died at 54 because of high blood pressure, which my husband has too... he's 54 and overweight, and on meds for that and cholesterol... But unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it until he's ready to change. The ironic part is he says he was worried about my health, when I was just barely heavier than him and I'm 15 years younger!

shanniepk

Leave him alone. He doesn't want to at this time, and trying to force it on him or expect him to participate will only cause resentment.

I should have clarified. He is not "on board" with me getting certified and doing part-time training/instructing. I wish he would eat healthy and exercise with me, but certainly don't do it fo him. I just want to discuss it with him, because it's a hobby/lifestyle, but you are right. I should just be quiet about this particular interest.

KathleenKP

I don't have any answers, but I can tell you I'm in a somewhat similar place. (I'm not thinking of a career in the fitness field, though. )

We don't talk about work, and we talk very minimally about my workouts. The few times I do, he usually cuts in with some other topic, so I quit. He doesn't share my excitement, and, frankly, it's too hard to try to talk about workouts because there is very little common background. I guess the difference for me is that I really have no desire to talk about work or workouts with my husband, so I rarely even try. (It seems that you ARE trying to discuss with your husband.) I have run a few races, and my husband didn't bother to come. He knew that these were important goals of mine, not something I just thought up in the last year. He even asked if I wanted him and the kids to come to the last one (on Mother's Day) - I told him that I would like that - and then he decided not to come after all. I have had a goal to compete in triathlons (more the journey, the lifestyle, than the event) for 25 years (!). He will not be coming to those with me, either. They are on the weekend, about 1/2 hour drive away - so time and distance is not a problem. He'd rather stay home and watch TV.

I don't know what this means long term for "us". It's a little hard for me because one of my athletic workout partners and I also share common work backgrounds and the physical attraction can be strong. Other guys at the gym have noticed me. I have never said anything to my husband about it, though.

I am having a difficult time with the physical issue with my husband. He loves the way I look now, and can't keep his hands off me. I resent it, though. There is no attraction going the other way, so I feel I am just going through the motions, and doing my duty.

A lot of these issues are so "cliche" - and seem somewhat shallow until you go through them yourself. I really feel for others who struggle through this, too. You know...maybe this issue is important for you to work through. If you want to help others improve themselves, you are going to see it a lot.

I will continue with my workouts. I lost who I was, and I've finally found her again. I wonder, at times, that if I "moved on", and connected with - say a workout partner where we have so many similarities/interests/connections - if in another 15-20 years, we would drift apart.

I do think it's pretty common. Maybe you can find some other women IRL in your same situation and you can talk? I have one female friend who is very physically active, and her husband is not. So we share stories. We don't have answers for each other, but it's nice to have an understanding shoulder.

RunningForeverMama

My husband is not interested and we don't really talk about it. I'll mention if I'm excited about an upcoming run or hit a milestone but that's about all. I learned this quick in the beginning when most conversations led to me listening to frustratingly ignorant information about how it couldn't be done. FTR he is not overweight but not fit either. I would just stay the course. You should definitely continue on to achieve your goals, he doesn't have to be on board or even supportive (although that would be nice). As long as there is some common ground not all interests need to be the same.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

My husband doesn't understand my job and my job doesn't interest him, so I don't talk about my job. Actually, not talking about my job has made our relationship better because then I don't take the stress of my job home with me. I leave most of it at work and the rest of it at the gym.

We had a discussion that he thought my gym time was taking away from family time, so I adjusted when I went to the gym so that I could once again enrich my family with my presence without killing anyone.

My husband plays poker, I don't want to hear about it, I workout meal plan and count calories and he doesn't want to hear about it. I don't find it a terrible seperation, not talking about the things that our partner isn't interested in helps us get to the meat of the conversations that we both enjoy.

I should mention that I'm a group fitness instructor, he's never been to one of my classes, I don't ask him to come, he thinks I do a great job at it and that's the extent of those conversations too. It's not that it's unsupportive, just that it doesn't interest him.

KathleenKP

In the beginning I had very little self control, and if it was in front of me, I would eat it. I told him I didn't want him bringing fast food and soda home, and he did anyway and said he wasn't the one who needed to lose weight.

I had this same problem, too. I asked for help. He said no. I asked if they could please buy cookies and eat them away from home. Even expensive bakery ones so they felt special. Just please don't bring them into the house. And please don't bake them so that when I walk in the door after work, I can smell them. He said no.

The day I finally gave it up - and KNEW without one doubt that I would never get support at home for my loss of control - I realized that I was like an alcoholic with no control - and yet the source of the problem was going to continue to be placed in front of me - that day was one of the hardest and loneliest in my life.



But.



I became stronger.

rml_16

Bottom line, he’s sick of me talking about my workouts/runs and eating healthy

So stop.

I would do what he's doing, too, if you are the way you sound in your OP. Leave the poor man alone.

PepperWorm

My husband is not interested in taking part in eating healthier or exercise.

No sweat off my nose. *shrug*

shanniepk

Bottom line, he’s sick of me talking about my workouts/runs and eating healthy

So stop.

I would do what he's doing, too, if you are the way you sound in your OP. Leave the poor man alone.

Point well taken. Thank you.

Scottish_charlene_84

Yip same in my house. Not interested in the slightest and no support in the slightest but im doing this for me. He doesnt care about this health, hes an adult and its not something i can comment on

Im_NotPerfect

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

Completely this!! My husband and I were NEVER on the same page when it came to exercising or eating right. But since I started running a year ago, and he's getting older, he has also started watching what he eats and has picked up running. Definitely not at my pushing him or anything. I'm doing this for ME...so for him to pick it up is fantastic! But I don't push him or ask him to join me. 13 years together (almost 11 married) has taught me that he does things at his own pace and nothing I say or do will make him go faster or change his mind.

81Katz

This must have been what it felt like to be a woman in the 1950's. Let's just dumb ourselves down and zip our lips as to not offend or bore the Mr. of the household.

Pfttt, F that.

But then again, this reply is because I too am with someone who doesn't give a crap at all about my goals or struggles so ...
:grumble:

rml_16

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

If he's only drinking one beer a day, that's probably a good thing, especially if he's overweight. A single adult beverage each day is good for the heart (and not JUSt red wine -- all of them). If he were drinking several a day, you might want to worry.

kerricolby

My husband drinks a lot of beer, eats crap, and doesn't work out. I voiced my concerns, and then I let it go. I just make sure that his life insurance premium is paid.

poedunk65

My wife is finally starting to try working out. She needs ot lose as much as i have and have yet to lose. I keep trying to be positive about it too. She just doesn't have the drive i do i suppose. Did i say she has had one knee replaced and the other to do next year? 10lbs lost = 30lbs of les pressure.

cbuggy75

I don't have any answers, but I can tell you I'm in a somewhat similar place. (I'm not thinking of a career in the fitness field, though. )

We don't talk about work, and we talk very minimally about my workouts. The few times I do, he usually cuts in with some other topic, so I quit. He doesn't share my excitement, and, frankly, it's too hard to try to talk about workouts because there is very little common background. I guess the difference for me is that I really have no desire to talk about work or workouts with my husband, so I rarely even try. (It seems that you ARE trying to discuss with your husband.) I have run a few races, and my husband didn't bother to come. He knew that these were important goals of mine, not something I just thought up in the last year. He even asked if I wanted him and the kids to come to the last one (on Mother's Day) - I told him that I would like that - and then he decided not to come after all. I have had a goal to compete in triathlons (more the journey, the lifestyle, than the event) for 25 years (!). He will not be coming to those with me, either. They are on the weekend, about 1/2 hour drive away - so time and distance is not a problem. He'd rather stay home and watch TV.

I don't know what this means long term for "us". It's a little hard for me because one of my athletic workout partners and I also share common work backgrounds and the physical attraction can be strong. Other guys at the gym have noticed me. I have never said anything to my husband about it, though.

I am having a difficult time with the physical issue with my husband. He loves the way I look now, and can't keep his hands off me. I resent it, though. There is no attraction going the other way, so I feel I am just going through the motions, and doing my duty.

A lot of these issues are so "cliche" - and seem somewhat shallow until you go through them yourself. I really feel for others who struggle through this, too. You know...maybe this issue is important for you to work through. If you want to help others improve themselves, you are going to see it a lot.

I will continue with my workouts. I lost who I was, and I've finally found her again. I wonder, at times, that if I "moved on", and connected with - say a workout partner where we have so many similarities/interests/connections - if in another 15-20 years, we would drift apart.

I do think it's pretty common. Maybe you can find some other women IRL in your same situation and you can talk? I have one female friend who is very physically active, and her husband is not. So we share stories. We don't have answers for each other, but it's nice to have an understanding shoulder.

WOW this is powerful, sad but powerful!

itsmandible

I share a similar struggle with my husband. But he isn't (and never has been) overweight, and is generally healthy (no health ailments) but he is not living a healthy lifestyle at all. He does minimal exercise (sometimes lifts weights) and eats crap. When I started losing weight, he wouldn't join me in exercising , and wouldn't eat healthy with me (and he still doesn't). His way of "encouraging" me was belittling me, he thought he was helping motivate me to lose weight (not necessarily get healthy). I tried throwing out all of the unhealthy junk food, and processed foods, and he wouldn't let me. In the beginning I had very little self control, and if it was in front of me, I would eat it. I told him I didn't want him bringing fast food and soda home, and he did anyway and said he wasn't the one who needed to lose weight. When I try to do at home workout he pokes fun at me and tells me not to waste my money because they don't work, and instead tells me to go run. When I make a healthy meal, he expects me to make a separate unhealthy meal for him because he won't eat it. I tell him if he doesn't like what I cook, he can make his own food, and that's when he gets fast food and brings it home. I still have 30lbs to lose until I reach my goal weight and I feel like I've been struggling alone the whole way. I never had a weight problem until I was pregnant, and since I had the baby it's been so hard to lose it. I've tried reaching out to friends but none of them feel the need to get healthy (similar to my husband, not overweight, but no desire to live a healthy lifestyle).

We recently started seeing a marriage counselor, because besides just the exercising and being healthy, it really feels like we're just two people living under the same roof living separate lives. We haven't been going long, but enough that I am noticing small changes, like he doesn't belittle me anymore about my weight. But he is still bringing unhealthy food home. I'm also seeing a counselor myself to work on my self esteem and my battle with emotional eating.

Your husband sounds more than just unsupportive, his belittling and berating sounds very emotionally scarring! I sincerely hope the marriage counseling helps.

RunningForeverMama

This must have been what it felt like to be a woman in the 1950's. Let's just dumb ourselves down and zip our lips as to not offend or bore the Mr. of the household.

Pfttt, F that.

But then again, this reply is because I too am with someone who doesn't give a crap at all about my goals or struggles so ...
:grumble:

I don't know about others but that is not at all what I meant. I'm more than willing to speak my mind but I'm not going to engage endlessly in pointless and negative conversations and I'm not going to try to change my husband, not in my job description. He's not going to change me either, I'm going to live my life how I want.

rml_16

This must have been what it felt like to be a woman in the 1950's. Let's just dumb ourselves down and zip our lips as to not offend or bore the Mr. of the household.

Pfttt, F that.

But then again, this reply is because I too am with someone who doesn't give a crap at all about my goals or struggles so ...
:grumble:

I don't know about others but that is not at all what I meant. I'm more than willing to speak my mind but I'm not going to engage endlessly in pointless and negative conversations and I'm not going to try to change my husband, not in my job description. He's not going to change me either, I'm going to live my life how I want.

This.