Spouses who don't share your fitness/nutrition goals

Scottish_charlene_84

Yip same in my house. Not interested in the slightest and no support in the slightest but im doing this for me. He doesnt care about this health, hes an adult and its not something i can comment on

Im_NotPerfect

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

Completely this!! My husband and I were NEVER on the same page when it came to exercising or eating right. But since I started running a year ago, and he's getting older, he has also started watching what he eats and has picked up running. Definitely not at my pushing him or anything. I'm doing this for ME...so for him to pick it up is fantastic! But I don't push him or ask him to join me. 13 years together (almost 11 married) has taught me that he does things at his own pace and nothing I say or do will make him go faster or change his mind.

81Katz

This must have been what it felt like to be a woman in the 1950's. Let's just dumb ourselves down and zip our lips as to not offend or bore the Mr. of the household.

Pfttt, F that.

But then again, this reply is because I too am with someone who doesn't give a crap at all about my goals or struggles so ...
:grumble:

rml_16

Its like this...My husband is over weight, he knows it. My husband drinks a beer everyday, I prefer he doesn't and he knows it. I would like him to go to church, he knows it. But I do not nag, complain or dwell on it. The more I complain or dwell the more unhappier I become. I go about my day, work, exercise,eat well. My husband sees me does not hear me so far he has cut back on drinking every other day, limits carbs, and asks me to pray for him. He knows I notice his changes. In time he will come around as long as you try to accept him and his choices. Hope it helps. Experience: Married 13yrs

If he's only drinking one beer a day, that's probably a good thing, especially if he's overweight. A single adult beverage each day is good for the heart (and not JUSt red wine -- all of them). If he were drinking several a day, you might want to worry.

kerricolby

My husband drinks a lot of beer, eats crap, and doesn't work out. I voiced my concerns, and then I let it go. I just make sure that his life insurance premium is paid.

poedunk65

My wife is finally starting to try working out. She needs ot lose as much as i have and have yet to lose. I keep trying to be positive about it too. She just doesn't have the drive i do i suppose. Did i say she has had one knee replaced and the other to do next year? 10lbs lost = 30lbs of les pressure.

cbuggy75

I don't have any answers, but I can tell you I'm in a somewhat similar place. (I'm not thinking of a career in the fitness field, though. )

We don't talk about work, and we talk very minimally about my workouts. The few times I do, he usually cuts in with some other topic, so I quit. He doesn't share my excitement, and, frankly, it's too hard to try to talk about workouts because there is very little common background. I guess the difference for me is that I really have no desire to talk about work or workouts with my husband, so I rarely even try. (It seems that you ARE trying to discuss with your husband.) I have run a few races, and my husband didn't bother to come. He knew that these were important goals of mine, not something I just thought up in the last year. He even asked if I wanted him and the kids to come to the last one (on Mother's Day) - I told him that I would like that - and then he decided not to come after all. I have had a goal to compete in triathlons (more the journey, the lifestyle, than the event) for 25 years (!). He will not be coming to those with me, either. They are on the weekend, about 1/2 hour drive away - so time and distance is not a problem. He'd rather stay home and watch TV.

I don't know what this means long term for "us". It's a little hard for me because one of my athletic workout partners and I also share common work backgrounds and the physical attraction can be strong. Other guys at the gym have noticed me. I have never said anything to my husband about it, though.

I am having a difficult time with the physical issue with my husband. He loves the way I look now, and can't keep his hands off me. I resent it, though. There is no attraction going the other way, so I feel I am just going through the motions, and doing my duty.

A lot of these issues are so "cliche" - and seem somewhat shallow until you go through them yourself. I really feel for others who struggle through this, too. You know...maybe this issue is important for you to work through. If you want to help others improve themselves, you are going to see it a lot.

I will continue with my workouts. I lost who I was, and I've finally found her again. I wonder, at times, that if I "moved on", and connected with - say a workout partner where we have so many similarities/interests/connections - if in another 15-20 years, we would drift apart.

I do think it's pretty common. Maybe you can find some other women IRL in your same situation and you can talk? I have one female friend who is very physically active, and her husband is not. So we share stories. We don't have answers for each other, but it's nice to have an understanding shoulder.

WOW this is powerful, sad but powerful!

itsmandible

I share a similar struggle with my husband. But he isn't (and never has been) overweight, and is generally healthy (no health ailments) but he is not living a healthy lifestyle at all. He does minimal exercise (sometimes lifts weights) and eats crap. When I started losing weight, he wouldn't join me in exercising , and wouldn't eat healthy with me (and he still doesn't). His way of "encouraging" me was belittling me, he thought he was helping motivate me to lose weight (not necessarily get healthy). I tried throwing out all of the unhealthy junk food, and processed foods, and he wouldn't let me. In the beginning I had very little self control, and if it was in front of me, I would eat it. I told him I didn't want him bringing fast food and soda home, and he did anyway and said he wasn't the one who needed to lose weight. When I try to do at home workout he pokes fun at me and tells me not to waste my money because they don't work, and instead tells me to go run. When I make a healthy meal, he expects me to make a separate unhealthy meal for him because he won't eat it. I tell him if he doesn't like what I cook, he can make his own food, and that's when he gets fast food and brings it home. I still have 30lbs to lose until I reach my goal weight and I feel like I've been struggling alone the whole way. I never had a weight problem until I was pregnant, and since I had the baby it's been so hard to lose it. I've tried reaching out to friends but none of them feel the need to get healthy (similar to my husband, not overweight, but no desire to live a healthy lifestyle).

We recently started seeing a marriage counselor, because besides just the exercising and being healthy, it really feels like we're just two people living under the same roof living separate lives. We haven't been going long, but enough that I am noticing small changes, like he doesn't belittle me anymore about my weight. But he is still bringing unhealthy food home. I'm also seeing a counselor myself to work on my self esteem and my battle with emotional eating.

Your husband sounds more than just unsupportive, his belittling and berating sounds very emotionally scarring! I sincerely hope the marriage counseling helps.

RunningForeverMama

This must have been what it felt like to be a woman in the 1950's. Let's just dumb ourselves down and zip our lips as to not offend or bore the Mr. of the household.

Pfttt, F that.

But then again, this reply is because I too am with someone who doesn't give a crap at all about my goals or struggles so ...
:grumble:

I don't know about others but that is not at all what I meant. I'm more than willing to speak my mind but I'm not going to engage endlessly in pointless and negative conversations and I'm not going to try to change my husband, not in my job description. He's not going to change me either, I'm going to live my life how I want.

rml_16

This must have been what it felt like to be a woman in the 1950's. Let's just dumb ourselves down and zip our lips as to not offend or bore the Mr. of the household.

Pfttt, F that.

But then again, this reply is because I too am with someone who doesn't give a crap at all about my goals or struggles so ...
:grumble:

I don't know about others but that is not at all what I meant. I'm more than willing to speak my mind but I'm not going to engage endlessly in pointless and negative conversations and I'm not going to try to change my husband, not in my job description. He's not going to change me either, I'm going to live my life how I want.

This.

81Katz

You're right. I guess I keep thinking if I rub a turd it'll turn to gold, but each time my hands still just have **** all over them.
:ohwell:

Crzymommyof2

I feel your pain. My husband is diabetic so it is 100 times more important for him to get healthy. He could care less about what he eats and if he works out or not. If it wasn't for MFP I would go insane because I feel like im getting healthy on my own. I have no support when it come to my home life, I found myself throwing away all the junk food and refusing to buy it. I cant make him lift weights or work out but I can make sure he doesn't eat unhealthy in my house

thekyleo

I used to be that way when my wife asked me to get healthier with her. I simply didn't want it. My wife always says to me "i can't want anything for you, you have to want it yourself". My wife isn't as active as far as the routines i do, but she supports me 100 percent no matter what it is, i return the same amount of support to her. It just takes time

shanniepk

Keep doing what you're doing. Just maybe don't talk about it too much. I'm in the same boat, honestly, and there's really not much I can talk to my husband about anymore, but oh well.

Yep, after 16 years of marriage it's sad, but this is about where I'm at. I took up all kinds of hobbies with him, ...not because I was particulary interested, but because he was and I wanted to share life with a partner. And most of the time, I learned something and ended up enjoying them. No regrets or resentment. I am going to leave him alone with anything healthy eating or working out, but going to stay on track. I started for myself and my son, not really for him anyway.

mrmagee3

Thanks. We have been married 16 years. Just started seriously exercising 3 years ago. But you are very right...I "rarely" nag, complain, or dwell on anything, but I do care about him and his health. Just hate to see him going down the same path as his father that died at 40. My husband will be 40 this year.

My father had health complications very young (around my age) and passed away young as well (as did his father). One thing to consider is your husband's mental state, as well -- I know that weighed very heavily on me, and while part of me would scream internally to do something about it, the other part would say, "screw it, it won't matter anyway." Motivation became very difficult.

Being in that situation brought me face to face with my own mortality, which was a pretty sobering thing to have to work through. It was tough, and I struggled through it at times.

itsmandible

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I think the toughness being given to the OP is a little harsh! I share EVERYTHING with my boyfriend of several years, and he shares everything with me (maybe not as thoroughly as someone with who understands the topic, but still). We make time to be interested in what the other has to say because it's something they're excited, happy, sad, annoyed, etc etc about. I couldn't imagine not having someone to share the stresses, struggles and successes of life with, completely, not just the parts they're interested in hearing about, so I understand where the OP is coming from wanting to share her fitness HOBBY with her husband. We all know wanting him to change is a completely different ball game and not something we can force upon another human being, but having your partner take interest in the life you have apart from them is nice. Imagine if you were a kid and you played soccer, and your parent didn't understand soccer so they never came to a game or helped you pick out new cleats - we could never imagine a loving, caring parent checking out and blatantly not caring about their child's loves! They would support them because of their unconditional love for them! I think the OP's husband turning a deaf ear to her is harsh, and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and block out that part of her around him. She can share it more extensively with others who are more passionate about it like her, but telling her to stop talking about it entirely is just sad for a relationship, imo.

ThinLizzie0802

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I think the toughness being given to the OP is a little harsh! I share EVERYTHING with my boyfriend of several years, and he shares everything with me (maybe not as thoroughly as someone with who understands the topic, but still). We make time to be interested in what the other has to say because it's something they're excited, happy, sad, annoyed, etc etc about. I couldn't imagine not having someone to share the stresses, struggles and successes of life with, completely, not just the parts they're interested in hearing about, so I understand where the OP is coming from wanting to share her fitness HOBBY with her husband. We all know wanting him to change is a completely different ball game and not something we can force upon another human being, but having your partner take interest in the life you have apart from them is nice. Imagine if you were a kid and you played soccer, and your parent didn't understand soccer so they never came to a game or helped you pick out new cleats - we could never imagine a loving, caring parent checking out and blatantly not caring about their child's loves! They would support them because of their unconditional love for them! I think the OP's husband turning a deaf ear to her is harsh, and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and block out that part of her around him. She can share it more extensively with others who are more passionate about it like her, but telling her to stop talking about it entirely is just sad for a relationship, imo.

This

TechOutside

If you aren't talking about work, or your hobbies, or what excites you (Your hobby), then why are you together? I have been married a long time and if I felt like I couldn't share my day with my wife, and hers with me, then I don't think I would be around long.

What else is there to talk about if it's not what we're having for dinner, or what is the gameplan for the night. With a healthy lifestyle, what's for dinner is pretty important, and hence falls into the hobby, and the other areas.

Maybe I am missing something.

Diana35bha

It is difficult but you should not have to change!

My husband IS overweight, and has now been diagnosed with diabetes but he has a sweet tooth & has always grumbled about not having his favourite foods etc. I changed our eating to low GI a while back cutting out as much fat & sugar as possible but I get ear-ache every time.

At the end of the day it's his choice!!

He also objects to any sort of exercise which is very frustrating when we're out for a walk - he is sooo slow :-(

Ok, rant over!

Di

MzMiller1215

The only person you can control is "you". Yes, it would be FANTASTIC if he were onboard with you but, he's not. I have to deal with similar issues with my husband, however, he is very supportive of my healthy lifestyle and will even try his best not to bring junk food in the house. As for not being able to talk about work or your hobbies, that sounds like a counseling issue that needs to be worked out. Your spouse should be your sounding board when no one else is there. Just my opinion.