Trigger warning: ED vent

CoachJen71

My rules are making me crazy. I have to weigh less than 120lbs. I have to get 25K+ steps a day. I have to eat 100g of protein per day. I have to be up at 3:30am to squeeze in my strength workouts. I have to be able to eat as much as larger people (because enough isn't really enough, and it's just not fair they get to eat more or have more fun with their menus.) I have to eat at certain times of the day. I have to exercise away or purge food if I ate too much.

This is no way to live!! I am trying again to dial back. I have to accept certain things, though, in order to make it work. Some days, I can't fit in all my favorite foods, and that is OK. On no day will I ever be able to eat like a 19th century lumberjack. Getting steps doesn't really give me permission to binge. The clock should not dictate when I eat. Food only fixes the need for fuel, other issues require other responses. I am a worthwhile person, and my worth isn't tied to how much I did or did not eat/exercise/clean/make money. My time is valuable and limited, and I need to make sure I treat it that way. I need to make sure I get enough rest. I need to make sure I stay in communication with others in a genuine way. I need to disrupt the compulsions and stinkin' thinkin'. (I have some bad programming and need to build a better patch!)

Diatonic12

Have you thought about sitting down with someone face-to-face and talking this over.

I threw all dieting rules and books out the window. I can't follow rules and menus written by someone else. Maybe you already have someone that you talk to but it may be be time to find someone brand new. You don't want to go out like this. It's exhausting.

CoachJen71

I have, but I can't afford it. Am thinking about Overeaters anonymous online. Can't get to live meetings, but could do their message threads.

SummerSkier

Hang in there CoachJen, just like you have overcome so much other "stuff" you can work this out too. You don't need to fix everything at once. I tend to be the same way as far as "rules" and fitbit doesn't really help because it doesn't understand people actually need rest days. LOL. Give yourself permission to slowly discard a rule or two. The whole eat back your calories thing doesn't work for me at all. I have to eat a set amount daily and the exercise and steps and active minutes are only to fitness and enjoyment and not to "earn" more food. Based on your stated rules but not knowing WHY you have them, I would discard or lower the steps and protein thing. 25K steps is a LOT!!!! Even running a couple miles a day and walking at work I usually avg 20K steps. One thing which I personally think MFP does which is BAD for me (maybe not others) is that it teaches people to reward exercise with food. I noticed when I was injured and when I had the flu that the scale didn't go CRAZY just because I wasn't running or on a couple days not even getting any steps.

kd_mazur

Eating Disorder Hotline Listings
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
This helpline offers support Monday–Thursday from 9 a.m.–9 p.m. EST, and Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. EST. You can expect to receive support, information, referrals, and guidance about treatment options for either you or your loved one. You can also contact this helpline through its online chat function, available on its website. Additionally, there is an option to send a text message if you are in crisis by texting NEDA to 741741; a trained volunteer from the Crisis Text Line will get in touch with you.

Something Fishy: 1-866-418-1207
This eating disorders helpline offers treatment referrals nationwide. Its website also provides a wealth of information and resources about eating disorders and eating disorder treatment. Through its website, you can join an online chat group where you can speak to others in your shoes to gain support, advice, and hope.

Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-4673
This is a hotline dedicated to serving anyone in crisis. Sometimes, people with eating disorders might feel so full of shame or self-hatred that they contemplate hurting themselves. If this is true for you, this hotline offers nationwide assistance and support from volunteers specifically trained in crisis intervention. You can talk to someone day or night about anything that’s troubling you, even if it’s not related to an eating disorder. You can also call if you need referrals to eating disorder treatment centers.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 1-630-577-1330
Currently serving people in the United States, the hotline operates Monday–Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. CST, with plans for a 24/7 hotline coming soon. Trained hotline volunteers offer encouragement to those having problems around eating or binging, support for those who “need help getting through a meal,” and assistance to family members who have concerns that their loved one might have an eating disorder.

Overeaters Anonymous: 1-505-891-2664
This hotline is available to people worldwide who need a referral to an Overeaters Anonymous support meeting in their area. Contrary to popular belief, Overeaters Anonymous is not just for people who are concerned about eating too much; it is also intended for those who have anorexia, bulimia, food addiction, or any other type of eating disorder. If you are reluctant to attend an in-person meeting or are not geographically near one, its website offers you the option to participate in an online- or telephone-based support group.

Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (formerly the Massachusetts Eating Disorder Association): 1-617-558-1881
This organization offers education, information, referrals to clinicians who specialize in eating disorders, support groups, and additional services for people with eating disorders in the New England area. It also offers information about nationwide treatment centers and is available between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. EST, Monday–Friday.

The United Way’s 211.org: Call 2-1-1
The hotline is intended for anyone living in North America who has any type of crisis or who needs help locating specific resources, including information and referrals for eating disorder treatment. Available 24/7, it can offer information and referrals to treatment organizations in your area.

Crisis Textline: Text CONNECT to 741741
Available 24/7, 365 days a year, this organization helps people with eating disorders and other mental health issues by connecting callers with trained crisis volunteers who will provide confidential advice, support, and referrals if needed.

Thursday’s Child Eating Disorders Helpline: 1-866-628-7494
This organization offers 24/7 assistance and nationwide referrals to teens with eating disorders and other mental health or crisis situations. Thursday’s Child describes its hotlines as unique in that a live person always answers the phone, as opposed to some other hotlines that might first put a person on hold. It also offers a specific helpline for anorexia and for bulimia and binge eating disorder.

Diatonic12

There are all kinds of resources that don't cost a dime. It would be good to look someone directly in the eye and tell them what's going on. Online resources are no substitute for real connection.

cmriverside

OA has a lot of rules.

How about meditation? Sounds like you just let the voices in your head take you on a ride. It's about interrupting the cycle.

Let the thoughts flow through. Don't grab onto them. I picture them like ocean waves, they keep moving up and back - up and back.

Don't engage with them, just observe.

Try not to judge your thoughts. They just are.

aemsley05

I just want to say well done for being brave enough to write all of that down and put it out there. I am going through some very similar stuff myself and I know how powerful it is to identify your problems and say them out loud. I wish I had some helpful advice to give, but all I can really say is that you're not alone in feeling like this. You've taken a huge step by speaking about this, so I firmly believe that you can and will get through this - whether that's using online support groups, the free CBT resources you can find online, or by talking to a professional. Sending much love and good wishes.

aemsley05

In a thread a while ago, someone linked this resource for overcoming disordered eating. I found it very helpful to read and work through - even though I wasn't ready to make changes at the time. It may be of use for you too: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=48

pkweier

You have taken the first step. Is there anyone you can talk to maybe a really close friend. I'm somewhat a rules person and trying too loosen up my way of thinking. I have a awesome support system that will reel me in when they see me going off the deep end. Many hugs

lynn_glenmont

CoachJen71 wrote: »

My rules are making me crazy. I have to weigh less than 120lbs. I have to get 25K+ steps a day. I have to eat 100g of protein per day. I have to be up at 3:30am to squeeze in my strength workouts. I have to be able to eat as much as larger people (because enough isn't really enough, and it's just not fair they get to eat more or have more fun with their menus.) I have to eat at certain times of the day. I have to exercise away or purge food if I ate too much.

It's probably not that your rules are making you crazy. It's much more likely that your "crazy" is making the rules. If you're not already getting it, you may need some professional help dealing with the underlying issues that are causing you to invent all these rules.

Meditation, as mentioned up thread, or any intentional relaxation practice, might help some too.

Best of luck.

collectingblues

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

CoachJen71 wrote: »

My rules are making me crazy. I have to weigh less than 120lbs. I have to get 25K+ steps a day. I have to eat 100g of protein per day. I have to be up at 3:30am to squeeze in my strength workouts. I have to be able to eat as much as larger people (because enough isn't really enough, and it's just not fair they get to eat more or have more fun with their menus.) I have to eat at certain times of the day. I have to exercise away or purge food if I ate too much.

It's probably not that your rules are making you crazy. It's much more likely that your "crazy" is making the rules. If you're not already getting it, you may need some professional help dealing with the underlying issues that are causing you to invent all these rules.

Meditation, as mentioned up thread, or any intentional relaxation practice, might help some too.

Best of luck.

I agree with Lynn. I have similar rules, and it's totally the ED driving the rules -- well, it's my need to control everything that's driving part of the ED that in turn drives the "if I have these rules it's all under control and GO GO GO!"

It's exhausting. An ED is exhausting.

Is it possible for you to use any of the text-based services, Jen? I know insurance companies can be absolute crap about paying for therapy for EDs, but some of the text therapy programs are surprisingly good, and might be more affordable. It might also be worth checking out and seeing if there are any support groups in your area.

psychod787

I got ya back coach. I understand the rules issues. I have some of the same. I know I do well when I have guidelines to work with. Some people, do not. I have also in many ways developed ED. Though for me, it's the only thing that only slightly helps keep the hunger and cravings at bay. I have actually been trying to gain some weight. I am calling it "lean" bulking, but what it really is, my body was just not healthy at the weight I was at. I am regaining on purpose. Probably 30lbs or so. I am hoping that it might help with the hunger and cravings issues. I might also add, that I am not one to ever push medication. Kinda strange for a medical worker, but am exploring Contrave for possible long term use. I also see a councillor ever 3 months or so. She helps some. I know in the past you have talked about being bi-polar I believe? I know from dealing with patients, it can come with rule making and breaking. I hope the best for you and send prayers, wether or not you are a believer, I am. Stay strong.

sofchak

Coach, there are only a handful of people I respect as much as you on these forums. You talk some serious real talk with us - about your situation and also to help guide others on here. This is no different.

I have tons of suggestions, but I’m only an expert on these touchy topics to one person: me. With that said, lots of great resources on this thread about how to contact legitimate experts. I urge you to research them to see if one works for your situation.

All the best.

brightresolve

Whew I am so sorry you are going through this Coach Jen, and I have a huge amount of respect and appreciation for the self-honesty it takes to put this out here. The rules sound exhausting. The ED part, purging and over-exercising, sounds risky. I appreciate that counseling is expensive; some employers have a 6-session employee assistance program to help get started, and some medical plans cover all but the copay. If that's not possible there are some other great options above.

OA in my experience (and yes I have some with it) was less about rules and more about honesty and support, but not everyone takes to the 12-step model (OA wasn't my main or first 12-step experience so I was fine with that part, and I have found online/chat style meetings helpful too).

I do hope you get the support you need. I hope you persevere until you do. You deserve to find freedom from the rules and the crazy way they make you feel and the fear of being out of control. You deserve to have some of what you want every day food-wise without driving yourself so hard. You deserve to be comfortable with your choices each day, no matter what they are. You are more than your weight and your workout regime and your CICO balance.

Hugs to you, your voice has been an important one for me since I joined a thread you participate in, and I hope you find the balance you are seeking.

Unknown

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mk2fit

@CoachJen71 We have been here for a while and kind of know each other. I think most of us here are somewhere on the obsessive/compulsive spectrum. Duh, that's how we got fat...and it's how we lost our weight. Without getting maudlin, here is something to think about. It actually works for me. Treat yourself as you would others. Sort of the Golden Rule only back at ya! Would you tell someone else she is unworthy? Do you tell yourself this? Oh, am babbling. Something to think about.

HeyJudii

CoachJen71 wrote: »

My rules are making me crazy. I have to weigh less than 120lbs. I have to get 25K+ steps a day. I have to eat 100g of protein per day. I have to be up at 3:30am to squeeze in my strength workouts. I have to be able to eat as much as larger people (because enough isn't really enough, and it's just not fair they get to eat more or have more fun with their menus.) I have to eat at certain times of the day. I have to exercise away or purge food if I ate too much.

This is no way to live!! I am trying again to dial back. I have to accept certain things, though, in order to make it work. Some days, I can't fit in all my favorite foods, and that is OK. On no day will I ever be able to eat like a 19th century lumberjack. Getting steps doesn't really give me permission to binge. The clock should not dictate when I eat. Food only fixes the need for fuel, other issues require other responses. I am a worthwhile person, and my worth isn't tied to how much I did or did not eat/exercise/clean/make money. My time is valuable and limited, and I need to make sure I treat it that way. I need to make sure I get enough rest. I need to make sure I stay in communication with others in a genuine way. I need to disrupt the compulsions and stinkin' thinkin'. (I have some bad programming and need to build a better patch!)

Have posted about wrestling with similar issues myself. The Fitbit helped me become more active, and the activity helps with the anxiety/depression, but because of my obsessive tendencies, I started to feel like a hamster on a wheel and that I could never sit down or relax. Some very helpful suggestions from a couple of people here on MFP have helped me see a different way. I am still working on getting some balance, but things are changing for the better.

Hang in there, we've got your back.
Online anyway

fiddletime

As I got older and my body less user friendly I realized I couldn’t exercise my way to eating more, with certainty. I exercise for health and if I get some extra calories, that’s a bonus. I could relate to your post, and am also at 1200 cal and am 5’2”. What I’ve come to realize is that most “normal people” are overweight. So, I don’t try to emulate them in eating. I’m 63 and it’s been a battle my whole life, to keep in the 120’s.

I think most of us in this fight probably have an ED. I don’t do moderation well, but on this site, and with practice, I’m learning to accept the process and also accept that if I broke my leg tomorrow, I’d have the tools to cope and succeed. Good luck in your battle.

nowine4me

@CoachJen71 I too recently came to accept that I have some issues to resolve around binge eating. Being the self-helper I am, I found some great resources on YouTube related to my specific issue. Several experts are dialed in and relatable, I listen to their podcasts while in the car, walking, etc. and some of the tools they provide are starting to sink it. One in particular is Evelyn Tribole, author of Intuitive Eating.

Perhaps you can find an expert you relate to who can provide the tools to overcome your ED, or you may come to realize that more intense help is needed. Either way, I wish you the best and offer my support.

MaggieGirl135

Counseling can help in so many ways, DBT-RO, CBT; just find a specialist in ED’s. And, truthfully, meds can be helpful in conjunction with therapy, especially at first.

CoachJen71

I am just overwhelmed at the support in this group!! Thank you all so very much!

It is true that my bipolar 2 isn't being managed right now, and is making things more difficult, but even when it is the compulsive eating is still there, so also needs to be dealt with as well. I just run to food as a reward, a break, a distraction, an emotional jolt.

I will go through the free resources some of you posted, and despite the shame I am feeling, I will reach out to my wellness nurse, who is also a free resource thanks to a health grant. (Mental health care, however, is not. Unless I can find a free counselor and psych nurse to work with long term, I am on my own there. Sucks, but the choice is mortgage or medical care, and I choose mortgage.)

CoachJen71

Update: Finally called my wellness nurse and confessed how much trouble I am in. I am to start writing my emotional state down before I eat, and see if I can short circuit the bingeing and self-sabotage. She will also check with the counselor to see if I can get into see her, although financially I have no clue I how I can do it. One step at a time, i guess.

In all honesty, I'm not looking forward to doing this. I don't enjoy working on emotional stuff. As I told my nurse, I know I have driven my car into a ditch, but I don't want to get out and push because it's messy, hard work, and no fun!

toxikon

CoachJen71 wrote: »

Update: Finally called my wellness nurse and confessed how much trouble I am in. I am to start writing my emotional state down before I eat, and see if I can short circuit the bingeing and self-sabotage. She will also check with the counselor to see if I can get into see her, although financially I have no clue I how I can do it. One step at a time, i guess.

In all honesty, I'm not looking forward to doing this. I don't enjoy working on emotional stuff. As I told my nurse, I know I have driven my car into a ditch, but I don't want to get out and push because it's messy, hard work, and no fun!

One step at a time... you can do this. Best of luck to you.

HeyJudii

CoachJen71 wrote: »

In all honesty, I'm not looking forward to doing this. I don't enjoy working on emotional stuff. As I told my nurse, I know I have driven my car into a ditch, but I don't want to get out and push because it's messy, hard work, and no fun!

Was told by a prior therapist that that was why I try to self-medicate/numb myself, with food. I would rather eat my feelings than deal with them.

nowine4me

Jen - I happened to catch a YouTube lecture, part of a series on the psychology of eating and a speaker was discussing amino acids (gotten in food or supplements) that help with different things like anxiety, mood swings, etc. she mentioned bi-polar, but I didn’t really catch it. But it made me think of you. Anyway, Her name is Trudy Scott, you can google and see if there’s anything of interest in her work. She got my interest with glutamine that is said to help with cravings and binging.

Here’s a link to the conference if you’re interested: https://ipe.infusionsoft.com/app/linkClick/344907/4a3a10fb50c92b29/77728231/14c3fb8f0453d8d7

The website for the host is: www.psychologyofeating.com

May be some Free or cheap take-aways, or not. I hope it helps.

Lillymoo01

You have made a huge step forward and should feel so proud of yourself. I am the opposite to you though. The more out of control I feel with my emotions the more in control I become with my eating. Neither approach is healthy., especially as my BMI is bordering on underweight. I would really love to eat 'normally' whatever that is, being that most that eat in this normal carefree style are overweight.

CoachJen71

Major set back. Biggest binge/purge yet and I saw blood. I decided to try taking some old bipolar meds to try and even myself out.

I wish to God that health care wasn't out of reach financially. Therapy is expensive. Meds are ridiculously expensive. Regular lab work is crazy expensive, too. And the bipolar meds didn't even help all that much, but I found some old ones in my med cabinet and will try using them to level out. Will let my nurse know on Monday. I will get yelled at for self-dosing and because my white blood cell count is already too low and the meds make it worse, but committing suicide by purge isn't so great either.

middlehaitch

I don't know what to say, I have no advice to offer, but do know there are a whole lot of people here listening to you.

Keep posting, especially if it helps you work through things. If talking here will help you not purge/binge, reach out and talk. There is always someone around. I'm a west coast night owl so am usually here when it is the quiet hours. If there is nothing else I can do, I will listen and reply.

Keep safe. h.

HeyJudii

Can you run? And run. And run. And run?
This helps me (also bpii not currently medicated) I run until I am physically exhausted. I can then focus mentally. I run around inside the building where I work, or an inside track at the rec ctr.
I have found that I need to run for at least 30 minutes hard to get the benefit.

Have you tried physically exhausting yourself? Make your body work to process those chemicals that are too much or too little?

I am not a medical person or scientist, but I have found that running (any type of physical exertion really, but I love to run. Maybe I am running from myself?) helps.

ETA: Pacing helps also. Thank goodness I learned about NEAT. I pace and pace and pace. If I can't run.

SummerSkier

Coachjen, please give us an update. We are worried about you. Hope that your Saturday went better.