Frustrating Spouse
born_of_fire74
Posts: 776 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm having a hard time because my husband seems to think it's a forgone conclusion that I will leave him now that I've lost weight and improved my fitness despite the fact that I'm not interested in going anywhere or being with anyone else. This has become an issue lately because, when we have normal, generally trivial conflict in our relationship, he just throws his hands up and says I'm going to leave him.
Wet towel on the floor in the bathroom? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Stuck at work late and didn't text? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Forgot to take out the garbage on garbage day? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Left the overhead garage door open? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. No matter what comes up between us, the answer lately is "oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot."
It's frustrating and tiresome to have any and all of what I say to him dismissed out of hand because I'm just going to leave him anyway. It's like he's trying to drive me away even though he assures me he's not feeling anxious about my appearance or suffering self esteem issues because he can't seem to lose weight himself.
Just to head off any suggestions that I help him lose weight, that is a no starter. He won't weigh and log his foods--I've tried to get him to, even offered to help him figure out MFP but no go. He eats healthier food than I do which seems to really bother him because he doesn't get that it doesn't matter what you eat when trying to lose weight, it only matters how much you eat. He's a volume eater and loves his veggies whereas I'm all about fats for satiety which seems to add to his bother. How dare I enjoy a burger or pizza that I've worked into my calorie allotment when everyone knows you need to eat mounds of salad and nothing else to lose weight?? He won't come to crossfit with me. I got him to come to one class and he suffered tremendously because he didn't pace himself. Now he swears "no one can do crossfit, it is impossible" even though I do it every weekday morning. He hasn't taken up some other less impossible activity either so, between eating all the food and doing none of the exercise, is it any surprise he can't lose weight?
I adore my husband and he is my best friend. We've been together over half of my life. We are getting ready to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary and our 25th year as a couple. That said, I'm at my wits end. I do more and more things by myself and talk to him less and less each day just to avoid the risk of conflict. I'm starting to feel like I have a bitchy roommate more than I have a husband.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Wet towel on the floor in the bathroom? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Stuck at work late and didn't text? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Forgot to take out the garbage on garbage day? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Left the overhead garage door open? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. No matter what comes up between us, the answer lately is "oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot."
It's frustrating and tiresome to have any and all of what I say to him dismissed out of hand because I'm just going to leave him anyway. It's like he's trying to drive me away even though he assures me he's not feeling anxious about my appearance or suffering self esteem issues because he can't seem to lose weight himself.
Just to head off any suggestions that I help him lose weight, that is a no starter. He won't weigh and log his foods--I've tried to get him to, even offered to help him figure out MFP but no go. He eats healthier food than I do which seems to really bother him because he doesn't get that it doesn't matter what you eat when trying to lose weight, it only matters how much you eat. He's a volume eater and loves his veggies whereas I'm all about fats for satiety which seems to add to his bother. How dare I enjoy a burger or pizza that I've worked into my calorie allotment when everyone knows you need to eat mounds of salad and nothing else to lose weight?? He won't come to crossfit with me. I got him to come to one class and he suffered tremendously because he didn't pace himself. Now he swears "no one can do crossfit, it is impossible" even though I do it every weekday morning. He hasn't taken up some other less impossible activity either so, between eating all the food and doing none of the exercise, is it any surprise he can't lose weight?
I adore my husband and he is my best friend. We've been together over half of my life. We are getting ready to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary and our 25th year as a couple. That said, I'm at my wits end. I do more and more things by myself and talk to him less and less each day just to avoid the risk of conflict. I'm starting to feel like I have a bitchy roommate more than I have a husband.
Thanks for letting me vent.
12
Replies
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I could have written this myself. Word for word ( besides the CrossFit) is what I went through for many years.
I've been with my husband since we were 16 so it was extremely difficult to suddenly be accused of such things.
The only thing that helped was time. After a few years he kinda forgot about it and life went on as normal. He doesn't mention it anymore.
There was years and years that I had to constantly reassure him that my intent was not to leave but to better myself.
In time things went back to normal though. We tried counseling and all that stuff but it didn't work for us. Maybe you'll have better luck with it though?
Believe me I know what you are going through and it sucks.2 -
Unless he learns to deal with all of his own insecurities or maybe get help with it, it'll always be that way.
People who don't like themselves will drag others down with them. As a way to control, manipulate or make themselves feel better.
It's sad.6 -
That sounds like a hard situation to be in. I'm not sure if I can be of any help because I have never been in a similar situation.
Maybe try to talk about it with him before it come on the subject next, an evening where you guys are enjoying each other's company with no arguing at the horizon. Tell him how you feel about it and that you feel pressured to do something but you don't know what since you don't plan on leaving him anytime soon. That while you appreciate being called fit and hot, being accused of something untrue because of it is not fair and even a bit hurtful.
Even though he doesn't admit it, he might just think that you are now better looking than him and you'll try to find someone else. Without actually saying that or bringing up his weight or appearance, maybe say that you love him and are attracted to him, but his personnality lately has been a but abrasive and hard to deal with.
Good luck!2 -
Tell him to stop whining....sounds like he needs some tough love on your part. If he isn't following your healthy lead it may be time for you to say "hey, i dont want to leave you but I do love you and want you to make changes for both of our good that will help us enjoy life and eachother more". Tell him that you are feeling alienated by his attitude and you want to help him but you wont feel guilty for bettering yourself. Just my two cents.0
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You lost me at crossfit.
Now that you are fit and hot, you are talking to him less and doing more things by yourself. Doesn't seem like that would make him insecure at all.
Jokes aside, he's just mentally preparing himself for what he's seen in others. Often times a wife loses weight because she's fed up with her man and is preparing herself for life without him.
You needling him about his weight, diet, and exercise only adds to it. It lets him know that now that you have changed, he is not enough just the way he is.
Perhaps you could start by not talking about diet and exercise at all with him, and make sure you cuddle his snugglier parts while telling him how much you love him, while Netflixing and chilling.
I know I don't have to tell you to not gain back weight or stop exercising to please him. That's a no go. Enjoy the life you've worked hard to achieve, and find a way to enjoy your husband too.
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And also "frustrating spouse" is redundant. If you have a spouse, you will have some frustration. Right?10
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He sounds insecure. He should probably begin to do something like weight lifting to get his own confidence up. Also, see a therapist. Have you done anything to make him suspicious?1
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Yeah, the problem I got out of all that was someone doing Crossfit......tell him don't worry, you will have the same insecurities when your back injuries and locked hips have you in a wheelchair and you will be saying to him, "now that I'm unable to walk you will leave me".....he will stay by your side thpugh just like you did when you were hot and he ate too much......9
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There's no needling. I've been at this for 2.5 years now. The infrequent and gentle efforts I made to get him to weigh and log, come to crossfit or otherwise discuss food and fitness stopped within the first six months when it became totally apparent that I was getting nowhere.
I'm not interested in changing him. I tell him all the time that I love him and that I want only him. I even think we still do pretty good in the bedroom considering our ages and how long we've together.0 -
There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?3
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briansolomon7863 wrote: »He sounds insecure. He should probably begin to do something like weight lifting to get his own confidence up. Also, see a therapist. Have you done anything to make him suspicious?
I can't imagine that I have. I work basically alone. I have very few friends. I don't go out. Pretty much all I do is exercise, walk the dog and go to work. I am a very solitary person so am happiest on my own other than spending time with him.
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I understand your frustration. I went through something similar for years, not exactly that, but similar. Things got miserable. Finally I just gave up and we're divorced now. (I am not saying that will happen to you, just that it is what happened in my marriage.) Something is clearly bothering him.
I hope things get better for you. If you haven't already, you might consider marital therapy. I'm not trying to be a jerk, it's just something that helps some people work through whatever is going on.2 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »And also "frustrating spouse" is redundant. If you have a spouse, you will have some frustration. Right?
Yes and no. Any time you're in a close relationship of any type (spouse, parent/child, even good friends) there are going to be moments of frustration. However, this situation sounds like it goes beyond those occasional conflicts that are part of normal human relationships.1 -
There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Of course we do. He is my best friend and the smartest, most interesting person I know. We talk all the time about everything but conflict occurs in even the best, most stable relationship. Normally we talk that through without much trouble because we have great communication but this has changed just lately. Now, instead of talking things through, I get the "oh well, you're just going to leave me anyway"
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »I'm having a hard time because my husband seems to think it's a forgone conclusion that I will leave him now that I've lost weight and improved my fitness despite the fact that I'm not interested in going anywhere or being with anyone else. This has become an issue lately because, when we have normal, generally trivial conflict in our relationship, he just throws his hands up and says I'm going to leave him.
Wet towel on the floor in the bathroom? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Stuck at work late and didn't text? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Forgot to take out the garbage on garbage day? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Left the overhead garage door open? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. No matter what comes up between us, the answer lately is "oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot."
It's frustrating and tiresome to have any and all of what I say to him dismissed out of hand because I'm just going to leave him anyway. It's like he's trying to drive me away even though he assures me he's not feeling anxious about my appearance or suffering self esteem issues because he can't seem to lose weight himself.
Just to head off any suggestions that I help him lose weight, that is a no starter. He won't weigh and log his foods--I've tried to get him to, even offered to help him figure out MFP but no go. He eats healthier food than I do which seems to really bother him because he doesn't get that it doesn't matter what you eat when trying to lose weight, it only matters how much you eat. He's a volume eater and loves his veggies whereas I'm all about fats for satiety which seems to add to his bother. How dare I enjoy a burger or pizza that I've worked into my calorie allotment when everyone knows you need to eat mounds of salad and nothing else to lose weight?? He won't come to crossfit with me. I got him to come to one class and he suffered tremendously because he didn't pace himself. Now he swears "no one can do crossfit, it is impossible" even though I do it every weekday morning. He hasn't taken up some other less impossible activity either so, between eating all the food and doing none of the exercise, is it any surprise he can't lose weight?
I adore my husband and he is my best friend. We've been together over half of my life. We are getting ready to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary and our 25th year as a couple. That said, I'm at my wits end. I do more and more things by myself and talk to him less and less each day just to avoid the risk of conflict. I'm starting to feel like I have a bitchy roommate more than I have a husband.
Thanks for letting me vent.
You need to talk to him... otherwise it's a self fulfilling prophecy1 -
For me and my husband, things always improve with our relationship when we communicate with each other. If there's something that he does that hurts my feelings or makes me feel bad, it may take me a few times to remind him and explain what he's doing that hurts me, but he is my husband and loves me and wants me to be happy, so he makes an effort to stop doing those things. If you've continually explained to him how you feel and what he's doing that is frustrating and he's still doing them and makes no effort to let up, maybe you could try counseling.0
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Yeah, the problem I got out of all that was someone doing Crossfit......tell him don't worry, you will have the same insecurities when your back injuries and locked hips have you in a wheelchair and you will be saying to him, "now that I'm unable to walk you will leave me".....he will stay by your side thpugh just like you did when you were hot and he ate too much......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqb9pBJweVU 3 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »There's no needling. I've been at this for 2.5 years now. The infrequent and gentle efforts I made to get him to weigh and log, come to crossfit or otherwise discuss food and fitness stopped within the first six months when it became totally apparent that I was getting nowhere.
I'm not interested in changing him. I tell him all the time that I love him and that I want only him. I even think we still do pretty good in the bedroom considering our ages and how long we've together.
Maybe like another poster said that these are transitional issues you guys are having. You've made a big change and he's also having change imposed upon him through your new lifestyle. He'll probably get used to the new you in time, and more secure once he sees that you haven't left.
Best wishes to both of you. Big hugs.1 -
There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
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What about counseling?1
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I think I'd tell him he's in more danger of you leaving due to his acting insecure.
Seriously.
But there are some things you can do. As others have suggested, make sure you are spending time with him doing things HE likes. If you are doing things with your crossfit group after class, make sure you are not 1 on 1 with anyone of the opposite sex.
I have a similar, but not as drastic dynamic with my wife, minus the "you are going to leave me..." part. She just doesn't want to get up at 4am and spend 3 hours at the gym working out and socializing with my friends.
We get together on weekends and cycle as well. That's not her gig.
What I've done to make sure she's still looped in is to let her know the coffee shop we plan to visit and invite her to stop by. We've also planned out some shorter rides. She's good for 10-20 miles in a day, divided in half on relatively flat terrain. So if I'm doing 40-60, she's not going to go along. But if I can map out a shorter leg, she might join in.
I believe it's a legitimate concern, and there are some things you can do to help, such as establishing good boundaries and avoiding situations that may look sketchy, relationally speaking.
But the heavy lifting, relationally speaking and pun fully intended is on him.l Needy and insecure is never sexy. That's what will drive you away, not you doing X-fit and he not.0 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
Action speaks louder than words. Don't tell me I'm sexy, sex my brains out.... Action, not words.
Seriously, men don't sit face to face and communicate. We communicate shoulder to shoulder, usually doing something.
Wanna have a serious conversation with him, then go for a ride in the car. Sit next to him. It's less threatening to him. There is a reason for the expression, "getting in someone's face." Somewhere in our lizard brain, it's an aggressive signal. So sitting side by side and communicating is less threatening to that part of our brain.
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He may not realize how aggravating he is being, or how frequently he is using this response. One thing my bf (now husband) and I took away from therapy was the following:
When something is bothering you, approach your partner and say to them in a calm/normal tone of voice "(insert name), it bothers me when you do (insert issue). When would you like to talk about it?" And he has to give you a solid time/day, not a vague answer. This avoids letting things brew until boiling point, and keeps the other person from feeling ambushed.
Then you stick to that promised time, don't let excuses push away into future. The original speaker makes their point with no interruptions. Then they ask "How do you feel about (insert original issue statement with no biased wording)?" Let them speak without interrupting them. Then go back and forth like this until you reach a resolution. If voices start to get raised or unhelpful words start peppering the explanations, you use your next turn to say "I think we need to pause for today and revisit this at another time." and suggest a new time to discuss calmly.
Key things to avoid:
-raised voices/foul language
-discussing multiple unrelated issues at once. Keep on topic, don't bring up a list
-do NOT keep pushing the issue once a time has been set to discuss.
-do NOT keep discussing if either of you need to pause and continue at another time.
It sounds silly but this really does work in defusing big fights before they happen. Also helps get to the root of ongoing behavior instead of letting you make assumptions in your head that may or may not be wrong.2 -
Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?2 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
Crossfit is kinda like being vegan or vegetarian. You don't ever have to ask if someone does those things, they are guaranteed to tell you
I cannot do crossfit anymore because my shoulders don't work like that.
But I did, at one time, do crossfit.
See what happened there....2 -
Screenshot the thread and send it to him
Every response3 -
It might help to speak with a therapist or marriage counselor.
He obviously feels some anxiety, insecurity or depression. This can be hard to work through alone.
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tbright1965 wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
Crossfit is kinda like being vegan or vegetarian. You don't ever have to ask if someone does those things, they are guaranteed to tell you
I cannot do crossfit anymore because my shoulders don't work like that.
But I did, at one time, do crossfit.
See what happened there....
That's interesting. My back was pretty messed up due to a knee injury that I didn't get surgically repaired for 9 years and then a trio of car accidents serious enough where the vehicles were written off. I lived with pain for a long time...until I started doing crossfit.
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.3
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