Frustrating Spouse
Replies
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
Meh. Derail away. Or PM me. I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't interested in the answers.
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
Crossfit is kinda like being vegan or vegetarian. You don't ever have to ask if someone does those things, they are guaranteed to tell you
I cannot do crossfit anymore because my shoulders don't work like that.
But I did, at one time, do crossfit.
See what happened there....
That's interesting. My back was pretty messed up due to a knee injury that I didn't get surgically repaired for 9 years and then a trio of car accidents serious enough where the vehicles were written off. I lived with pain for a long time...until I started doing crossfit.
Crossfit won't fix arthritis...
I still do weight work, just not bootcamp or crossfit type workouts.0 -
tbright1965 wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
Action speaks louder than words. Don't tell me I'm sexy, sex my brains out.... Action, not words.
Seriously, men don't sit face to face and communicate. We communicate shoulder to shoulder, usually doing something.
Wanna have a serious conversation with him, then go for a ride in the car. Sit next to him. It's less threatening to him. There is a reason for the expression, "getting in someone's face." Somewhere in our lizard brain, it's an aggressive signal. So sitting side by side and communicating is less threatening to that part of our brain.
Thanks for this. I think I need to write this down somewhere to remind me, particularly about being shoulder to shoulder.0 -
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs.
Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh. 7 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »
I'd have picked up his crap he habitually left on the floor and thrown it in his face. I'd have changed the locks on the garage door he repeatedly left open so he couldn't use it. I'd have made sure I wasn't home until 2 a.m. on the nights he stayed late at work and didn't text. I'd have been denying him all sex and affection from the day he started this shizz. He'd be the one leaving, believe you me.
Wow.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
Lol....my hand is not in my pants.....it's a loose fist right at my waistband.....please....get your mind out of the gutter.
No wonder you think splits are sexy.....2 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »
I'd have picked up his crap he habitually left on the floor and thrown it in his face. I'd have changed the locks on the garage door he repeatedly left open so he couldn't use it. I'd have made sure I wasn't home until 2 a.m. on the nights he stayed late at work and didn't text. I'd have been denying him all sex and affection from the day he started this shizz. He'd be the one leaving, believe you me.
Ah, I gotcha. I was wondering for a second if you were my husband and stumbled across this LOL
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I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.5 -
I agree with all the suggestions for marriage counseling, but will add a qualifier: make sure the person and their approach works for both of you. If not, move on to another. Repeat as many times as it takes to find the right fit for both. A bad fit can cause damage in pretty short order.3
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Trust issues probably come from an unstable upbringing -- I may be projecting my background onto him. I hope he's got enough positive qualities to overcome this negative. Fighting about it will definitely make it worse. I suggest you describe how his behaviour makes you feel in a statement, not a question,like "when you talk about me leaving it makes me sad to feel you trusted me more when I was fat".
Possibly too he has real or imagined body image issues that he hasn't come to term with.
A teary-eyed "Will you help me earn your trust back?" is a good lead into "I've got us scheduled for a 2pm chat with a counselor or pastor"1 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
What? I thought he was just scratching a mosquito bite.
Shhh....you're better than that...0 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »And also "frustrating spouse" is redundant. If you have a spouse, you will have some frustration. Right?
Yes and no. Any time you're in a close relationship of any type (spouse, parent/child, even good friends) there are going to be moments of frustration. However, this situation sounds like it goes beyond those occasional conflicts that are part of normal human relationships.
To be honest, I think pretty normal occasions in life have elements that are extreme:
The amount of care and attention you pay to a newborn, and how that affects a man's relationship with his wife, the difficulties of the teenage years and how that affects a person's relationship with their parents, the difficulties of jobs/moves and the effect that has on the entire friend and family circle, getting married and the difficulty that has on your single best friends or siblings, the death of a family member, and how they might deal with that in self-destructive ways, college years and the problems with alchohol consumption or prescription pill use, religious changes and involvement in time intensive groups, mid-life crisis and infidelity, dealing with ailing family or caretaking and the toll that takes, the list goes on and on and on, of what "normal" people deal with in a lifetime.
Having a relationship over the course of decades means that you are going to have to deal with normal life events that may be tumultuous. You can bet that can add up frustrations and resentments because no one deals perfectly with these things.
I don't think she is going through anything that is rare. She has leveled up in life, and that is threatening to the spouse. That's pretty much par for the course with something as drastic as weight loss.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
Lol....my hand is not in my pants.....it's a loose fist right at my waistband.....please....get your mind out of the gutter.
No wonder you think splits are sexy.....
Ok. So, if I posted a pic like that, shirt up, nips in full view, hands in a loose fist right at my waistband...please...where would your mind be?
And you're right about the splits. Maybe it's not the splits they are finding sexy.
Nice pecs, btw.
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Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
That's a rather silly question, don't you think? Of course he would likely be unhappy but that's the point of anonymous advice columns and forums, is it not?
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
What? I thought he was just scratching a mosquito bite.
100% there's a lot more than a mosquito bite in there.
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »
I'd have picked up his crap he habitually left on the floor and thrown it in his face. I'd have changed the locks on the garage door he repeatedly left open so he couldn't use it. I'd have made sure I wasn't home until 2 a.m. on the nights he stayed late at work and didn't text. I'd have been denying him all sex and affection from the day he started this shizz. He'd be the one leaving, believe you me.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
Lol....my hand is not in my pants.....it's a loose fist right at my waistband.....please....get your mind out of the gutter.
No wonder you think splits are sexy.....
Ok. So, if I posted a pic like that, shirt up, nips in full view, hands in a loose fist right at my waistband...please...where would your mind be?
And you're right about the splits. Maybe it's not the splits they are finding sexy.
Nice pecs, btw.
Thank you. I never realized my pic may look like I have my hand in my pants.....I'll take it down0 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I agree and disagree. First, she is right not to tell her friends. Because 2 things happen. One, what you just said, and two, they realize blood is in the water and they want her man's meat, because they want a relationship.
Second, who is she going to tell? She needed to vent. These are people she isn't going to see in her real life.
Third, she's already been open and honest with him. Telling her to communicate with him is beating a dead horse. How many times is she going to have the same conversation with him?
She wants answers she hasn't been able to come up with herself.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
Lol....my hand is not in my pants.....it's a loose fist right at my waistband.....please....get your mind out of the gutter.
No wonder you think splits are sexy.....
Ok. So, if I posted a pic like that, shirt up, nips in full view, hands in a loose fist right at my waistband...please...where would your mind be?
And you're right about the splits. Maybe it's not the splits they are finding sexy.
Nice pecs, btw.
Thank you. I never realized my pic may look like I have my hand in my pants.....I'll take it down
Well don't do that.1 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
Lol....my hand is not in my pants.....it's a loose fist right at my waistband.....please....get your mind out of the gutter.
No wonder you think splits are sexy.....
Ok. So, if I posted a pic like that, shirt up, nips in full view, hands in a loose fist right at my waistband...please...where would your mind be?
And you're right about the splits. Maybe it's not the splits they are finding sexy.
Nice pecs, btw.
Thank you. I never realized my pic may look like I have my hand in my pants.....I'll take it down
Well don't do that.
I did....by the way I had no idea what your profile pic was until just now....wow, amazing. Nice job1 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
That's a rather silly question, don't you think? Of course he would likely be unhappy but that's the point of anonymous advice columns and forums, is it not?
I obviously don't think it's a silly question at all. I'm just saying you might do more harm than good coming here for advice, rather than going to a professional or continuing to hash it out with him instead. Your situation sounds like it's starting to get toxic based on the fact that he's being really dismissive. Guess I'll just join the others that have said you guys should go see a marriage counselor. These things rarely go away on their own.1 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »I'm having a hard time because my husband seems to think it's a forgone conclusion that I will leave him now that I've lost weight and improved my fitness despite the fact that I'm not interested in going anywhere or being with anyone else. This has become an issue lately because, when we have normal, generally trivial conflict in our relationship, he just throws his hands up and says I'm going to leave him.
Wet towel on the floor in the bathroom? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Stuck at work late and didn't text? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Forgot to take out the garbage on garbage day? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. Left the overhead garage door open? Oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot. No matter what comes up between us, the answer lately is "oh well, you're just going to leave me now that you're fit and hot."
It's frustrating and tiresome to have any and all of what I say to him dismissed out of hand because I'm just going to leave him anyway. It's like he's trying to drive me away even though he assures me he's not feeling anxious about my appearance or suffering self esteem issues because he can't seem to lose weight himself.
Just to head off any suggestions that I help him lose weight, that is a no starter. He won't weigh and log his foods--I've tried to get him to, even offered to help him figure out MFP but no go. He eats healthier food than I do which seems to really bother him because he doesn't get that it doesn't matter what you eat when trying to lose weight, it only matters how much you eat. He's a volume eater and loves his veggies whereas I'm all about fats for satiety which seems to add to his bother. How dare I enjoy a burger or pizza that I've worked into my calorie allotment when everyone knows you need to eat mounds of salad and nothing else to lose weight?? He won't come to crossfit with me. I got him to come to one class and he suffered tremendously because he didn't pace himself. Now he swears "no one can do crossfit, it is impossible" even though I do it every weekday morning. He hasn't taken up some other less impossible activity either so, between eating all the food and doing none of the exercise, is it any surprise he can't lose weight?
I adore my husband and he is my best friend. We've been together over half of my life. We are getting ready to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary and our 25th year as a couple. That said, I'm at my wits end. I do more and more things by myself and talk to him less and less each day just to avoid the risk of conflict. I'm starting to feel like I have a bitchy roommate more than I have a husband.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Just to echo most, communicate with him. If you aren't reaching, change the approach. Keep it exploratory and not accusatory. Science the F out of him with weightloss facts and try to make it fun and appealing to him. Be careful with crossfit.1 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
What? I thought he was just scratching a mosquito bite.
100% there's a lot more than a mosquito bite in there.
He's championed my honor, complimented my integrity and suggested I speculate in silence as it's more becoming. So I'm going to be quiet now and let you take the lead darling.
After the advice you gave the OP, I will never take anything you say personally. You're just doing you. Carry on.0 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »Thanks for the support and the thoughtful replies.
Side note: what's with all the crossfit hate? Would it be somehow more palatable to say I do calisthenics plus weightlifting in the morning?
I could go on for days why I don't like Crossfit. But I won't derail your thread any further.
You already did that with your overtly sexual avi. Come on, dude. Does your hands HAVE to be down your pants? You are practically begging me to slide up in those DMs. Since when did men start thirst trapping? Won't work on me. Nah uh.
Lol....my hand is not in my pants.....it's a loose fist right at my waistband.....please....get your mind out of the gutter.
No wonder you think splits are sexy.....
Ok. So, if I posted a pic like that, shirt up, nips in full view, hands in a loose fist right at my waistband...please...where would your mind be?
And you're right about the splits. Maybe it's not the splits they are finding sexy.
Nice pecs, btw.
Thank you. I never realized my pic may look like I have my hand in my pants.....I'll take it down
Well don't do that.
I did....by the way I had no idea what your profile pic was until just now....wow, amazing. Nice job
Thanks, I appreciate it!0 -
caco_ethes wrote: »born_of_fire74 wrote: »
I'd have picked up his crap he habitually left on the floor and thrown it in his face. I'd have changed the locks on the garage door he repeatedly left open so he couldn't use it. I'd have made sure I wasn't home until 2 a.m. on the nights he stayed late at work and didn't text. I'd have been denying him all sex and affection from the day he started this shizz. He'd be the one leaving, believe you me.
On how not to behave like a civilized adult I hope? Even mother goose knows two wrongs don't make a right. Behaviour like this is unhealthy for any relationship, and for a full grown adult it is quite disapointing.4 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I agree and disagree. First, she is right not to tell her friends. Because 2 things happen. One, what you just said, and two, they realize blood is in the water and they want her man's meat, because they want a relationship.
Second, who is she going to tell? She needed to vent. These are people she isn't going to see in her real life.
Third, she's already been open and honest with him. Telling her to communicate with him is beating a dead horse. How many times is she going to have the same conversation with him?
She wants answers she hasn't been able to come up with herself.
I agree she needs to vent and talk with someone, but she should seek the advice of a professional if talking to him remains a pointless endeavor. My whole point of the first post was that 1) we're only hearing her side so she's going to get one-sided recommendations and 2) getting advice from strangers on the Internet could cause more harm to her relationship than good because it's easy to cherry-pick the advice we want to hear rather than the advice we need to hear.0 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I agree and disagree. First, she is right not to tell her friends. Because 2 things happen. One, what you just said, and two, they realize blood is in the water and they want her man's meat, because they want a relationship.
Second, who is she going to tell? She needed to vent. These are people she isn't going to see in her real life.
Third, she's already been open and honest with him. Telling her to communicate with him is beating a dead horse. How many times is she going to have the same conversation with him?
She wants answers she hasn't been able to come up with herself.
I agree she needs to vent and talk with someone, but she should seek the advice of a professional if talking to him remains a pointless endeavor. My whole point of the first post was that 1) we're only hearing her side so she's going to get one-sided recommendations and 2) getting advice from strangers on the Internet could cause more harm to her relationship than good because it's easy to cherry-pick the advice we want to hear rather than the advice we need to hear.
True. And "professionals" also often do more harm than good. One couple I know didn't consider a divorce until their therapist said their relationship was pointless. Many therapists have been trained to lead people through the "eventual divorce" which they caused by making the couple hash out every grievance with one another, essentially making them have a huge fight every week.
Just waiting it out has proven helpful for many couples, and studies show that. People adapt, kids grow up, things change.
And I do agree that we have a tendency to cherry pick, as well. Lots of good points made on this thread.
Best wishes to OP and her husband.
2 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I agree and disagree. First, she is right not to tell her friends. Because 2 things happen. One, what you just said, and two, they realize blood is in the water and they want her man's meat, because they want a relationship.
Second, who is she going to tell? She needed to vent. These are people she isn't going to see in her real life.
Third, she's already been open and honest with him. Telling her to communicate with him is beating a dead horse. How many times is she going to have the same conversation with him?
She wants answers she hasn't been able to come up with herself.
I agree she needs to vent and talk with someone, but she should seek the advice of a professional if talking to him remains a pointless endeavor. My whole point of the first post was that 1) we're only hearing her side so she's going to get one-sided recommendations and 2) getting advice from strangers on the Internet could cause more harm to her relationship than good because it's easy to cherry-pick the advice we want to hear rather than the advice we need to hear.
Also just wanted to compliment you on your style of communicating. Well done. You can convey your ideas, disagree and do so with respect for the other person's point of view and see the points where there is agreement.
Very nice.1 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I agree and disagree. First, she is right not to tell her friends. Because 2 things happen. One, what you just said, and two, they realize blood is in the water and they want her man's meat, because they want a relationship.
Second, who is she going to tell? She needed to vent. These are people she isn't going to see in her real life.
Third, she's already been open and honest with him. Telling her to communicate with him is beating a dead horse. How many times is she going to have the same conversation with him?
She wants answers she hasn't been able to come up with herself.
I agree she needs to vent and talk with someone, but she should seek the advice of a professional if talking to him remains a pointless endeavor. My whole point of the first post was that 1) we're only hearing her side so she's going to get one-sided recommendations and 2) getting advice from strangers on the Internet could cause more harm to her relationship than good because it's easy to cherry-pick the advice we want to hear rather than the advice we need to hear.
True. And "professionals" also often do more harm than good. One couple I know didn't consider a divorce until their therapist said their relationship was pointless. Many therapists have been trained to lead people through the "eventual divorce" which they caused by making the couple hash out every grievance with one another, essentially making them have a huge fight every week.
Just waiting it out has proven helpful for many couples, and studies show that. People adapt, kids grow up, things change.
And I do agree that we have a tendency to cherry pick, as well. Lots of good points made on this thread.
Best wishes to OP and her husband.
I don't know if I would say that professionals often do more harm than good, but there's obviously bad eggs in every profession because people are fallible. I generally think waiting it out is a bad idea (not always though) only because I think that if people just hold things to themselves and don't communicate it could breed resentment in the relationship.
I hope it didn't sound like I wished OP ill. I actually want her and her husband to get the right help that they need. Lots of good talking points from a bunch of people on here though.0
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