I need some help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Tenebrous_D
Posts: 1,237 Member
in Chit-Chat
hello, I figured chit chat would be a better place to discuss this instead of the motivation link.
I don't know if I should give the background first or the what happened. This is long and crazy. I'll just go with the what happened and probably do both at the same time. Last night I was on facebook. I made a post the other day that simply said "what is your best memory with me", and while I was on, I saw a notification that a particular friend, I'll call her K, had commented, then it went away. I was in love with this friend a long time ago, but she didn't really know it. We were good friends, talked for hours on end on the phone after I moved away from home, and we spent nearly every minute together when I did come home for a couple of days.
I messaged her and asked if she made a comment then deleted it, because I wanted to know if her best memory with me was from around that time. She said yes, she did delete it. She then told me she wrote "two hour long-distance phone calls when you were in SC". She took it down because she didn't want to be disrespectful to my wife. She is also married to someone we went to school with. He was the guy she started dating when I stopped calling her back. The reason I stopped calling her back was that I had got a girl pregnant and tried to do the "right thing" by marrying her. Within months of being so in love, I was married to a practical stranger. I did get a wonderful daughter out of it, which I wouldn't trade her for anything, but it was a crap marriage that didn't last long at all. But by then it was too late.
I didn't see K for a couple of years. Then one day, I was back in town and saw her and her family at a parade. She was there with her parents, and her brand new husband. I was there with my very young daughter. I didn't see her at first, but then her dad said, "hey there's David!", I turned to look and immediately, my eyes locked on hers. I was shell shocked and a feeling came over me that I'd never experienced before, and haven't experienced since. It was just pure emotion that I can't describe. It dumbfounded me, to the point where I was standing there, silent, mouth open and staring at her long enough that she thought I didn't recognize her. She said "it's me, K" and I said "I know", and i snapped back into it. We have seen each other several times over the last few years at different alumni functions. I felt like I had moved on. She had her family, I was remarried and had a bigger family. There was nothing outwardly strange after that.
Back to last night. So after she told me about the long-distance call memory, I confessed that my best memory with her was that last weekend I was home before our lives changed paths. That opened up more conversation. After I talked about that last weekend, she told me that she carried that with her and she didn't know if it was real or more of a dream. She told me how much she liked me, but didn't know if I felt the same way. That same old classic tale of unspoken love that never fully comes to fruition. I then said that I wanted to fix something and say something I should've said a long time ago. I said "things are different now, but I love you. I'm sorry I never told you back then. My love may not be defined the same now as it was then, but it's there." She responded with "I've always loved you and always will."
So, I have all this refreshed emotion again. It's not something I plan on acting out on, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. To me it was "let me correct one thing I regret not doing while I have the chance". Was it the right thing to do? That's what I'm not sure about. Keep in mind this all happened less than nine hours ago, so I still really haven't processed it myself. Our lives were different because 20 years ago, both of us felt something, but never said it. Now, I don't know if I ever bring it up again, or reminisce more, or what. What if she's thinking the same thing and neither of us talk about it again, and we both want to. My head is a mess right now. Keep in mind the two of us are both happily married as funny as that sounds. I just don't know how to handle how much I care for K and always, always have. Does this even make sense?
Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest and also get some opinions or insights on it. Anyone have something like this happen? What did you do? What was the result?
Talk away people, just be nice about it.
I don't know if I should give the background first or the what happened. This is long and crazy. I'll just go with the what happened and probably do both at the same time. Last night I was on facebook. I made a post the other day that simply said "what is your best memory with me", and while I was on, I saw a notification that a particular friend, I'll call her K, had commented, then it went away. I was in love with this friend a long time ago, but she didn't really know it. We were good friends, talked for hours on end on the phone after I moved away from home, and we spent nearly every minute together when I did come home for a couple of days.
I messaged her and asked if she made a comment then deleted it, because I wanted to know if her best memory with me was from around that time. She said yes, she did delete it. She then told me she wrote "two hour long-distance phone calls when you were in SC". She took it down because she didn't want to be disrespectful to my wife. She is also married to someone we went to school with. He was the guy she started dating when I stopped calling her back. The reason I stopped calling her back was that I had got a girl pregnant and tried to do the "right thing" by marrying her. Within months of being so in love, I was married to a practical stranger. I did get a wonderful daughter out of it, which I wouldn't trade her for anything, but it was a crap marriage that didn't last long at all. But by then it was too late.
I didn't see K for a couple of years. Then one day, I was back in town and saw her and her family at a parade. She was there with her parents, and her brand new husband. I was there with my very young daughter. I didn't see her at first, but then her dad said, "hey there's David!", I turned to look and immediately, my eyes locked on hers. I was shell shocked and a feeling came over me that I'd never experienced before, and haven't experienced since. It was just pure emotion that I can't describe. It dumbfounded me, to the point where I was standing there, silent, mouth open and staring at her long enough that she thought I didn't recognize her. She said "it's me, K" and I said "I know", and i snapped back into it. We have seen each other several times over the last few years at different alumni functions. I felt like I had moved on. She had her family, I was remarried and had a bigger family. There was nothing outwardly strange after that.
Back to last night. So after she told me about the long-distance call memory, I confessed that my best memory with her was that last weekend I was home before our lives changed paths. That opened up more conversation. After I talked about that last weekend, she told me that she carried that with her and she didn't know if it was real or more of a dream. She told me how much she liked me, but didn't know if I felt the same way. That same old classic tale of unspoken love that never fully comes to fruition. I then said that I wanted to fix something and say something I should've said a long time ago. I said "things are different now, but I love you. I'm sorry I never told you back then. My love may not be defined the same now as it was then, but it's there." She responded with "I've always loved you and always will."
So, I have all this refreshed emotion again. It's not something I plan on acting out on, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. To me it was "let me correct one thing I regret not doing while I have the chance". Was it the right thing to do? That's what I'm not sure about. Keep in mind this all happened less than nine hours ago, so I still really haven't processed it myself. Our lives were different because 20 years ago, both of us felt something, but never said it. Now, I don't know if I ever bring it up again, or reminisce more, or what. What if she's thinking the same thing and neither of us talk about it again, and we both want to. My head is a mess right now. Keep in mind the two of us are both happily married as funny as that sounds. I just don't know how to handle how much I care for K and always, always have. Does this even make sense?
Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest and also get some opinions or insights on it. Anyone have something like this happen? What did you do? What was the result?
Talk away people, just be nice about it.
4
Replies
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You both missed your chance. Learn to make peace with it.13
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Well, if you love her, you love her. I think acting on it would certainly break apart both of your families. I guess I'd evaluate if you and K being (potentially) happy together outweighs that cost and the affect on everyone else.
In my opinion, a lot of people have a "one that got away" but if you're both already happily married, why screw with that?4 -
Yeah, gotta make peace with it and go back to living your lives.0
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It’s been 20years. Maybe you two were compatible back then but not now. Nostalgia makes things seem greater than they are.
Or just screw everything and go for it idk.0 -
You are married with a family. You have made a commitment to the woman who is now your wife. You say you are happily married. You don’t know this woman, after 20 years you will both have changed. You are playing with fire. I recommend you concentrate your efforts on the wife you say you love and the family you have and forget K.4
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you've got a wife, let it go.4
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It's pretty clear that you have one choice: leave your family and pursue true love. Or convince the two of them to enter into an open relationship with you and share parenting duties. Otherwise? Your life will be an endless sea of doubt and regret and wonder and every relationship will suffer as you always have one eye out the window. You will of course have to kill her husband.7
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Tenebrous_D wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »It sounds like you’re looking for permission from strangers to do something that will hurt a lot of people.
Maybe you should share all of this information with your wife and see what she thinks. Maybe she has an old crush too and just doesn’t know how to tell you
That's not true at all. I'm not looking for permission. It's amazing what snippets people want to comment on while ignoring everything else that's been said.
you obviously want some very specific comments that you aren't getting... you might need to tell us what you want to hear right now?2 -
Tenebrous_D wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »It sounds like you’re looking for permission from strangers to do something that will hurt a lot of people.
Maybe you should share all of this information with your wife and see what she thinks. Maybe she has an old crush too and just doesn’t know how to tell you
That's not true at all. I'm not looking for permission. It's amazing what snippets people want to comment on while ignoring everything else that's been said.
you obviously want some very specific comments that you aren't getting... you might need to tell us what you want to hear right now?
Not at all. Just looking for words from people with similar experience, not necessarily people preaching to me that have never been in this type of situation.
I'm sorry, i'll rephrase my comment...
I've been in a similar situation. You have a wife, let it go.
that better?7
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