I need some help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tenebrous_D
Posts: 1,237 Member
in Chit-Chat
hello, I figured chit chat would be a better place to discuss this instead of the motivation link.
I don't know if I should give the background first or the what happened. This is long and crazy. I'll just go with the what happened and probably do both at the same time. Last night I was on facebook. I made a post the other day that simply said "what is your best memory with me", and while I was on, I saw a notification that a particular friend, I'll call her K, had commented, then it went away. I was in love with this friend a long time ago, but she didn't really know it. We were good friends, talked for hours on end on the phone after I moved away from home, and we spent nearly every minute together when I did come home for a couple of days.
I messaged her and asked if she made a comment then deleted it, because I wanted to know if her best memory with me was from around that time. She said yes, she did delete it. She then told me she wrote "two hour long-distance phone calls when you were in SC". She took it down because she didn't want to be disrespectful to my wife. She is also married to someone we went to school with. He was the guy she started dating when I stopped calling her back. The reason I stopped calling her back was that I had got a girl pregnant and tried to do the "right thing" by marrying her. Within months of being so in love, I was married to a practical stranger. I did get a wonderful daughter out of it, which I wouldn't trade her for anything, but it was a crap marriage that didn't last long at all. But by then it was too late.
I didn't see K for a couple of years. Then one day, I was back in town and saw her and her family at a parade. She was there with her parents, and her brand new husband. I was there with my very young daughter. I didn't see her at first, but then her dad said, "hey there's David!", I turned to look and immediately, my eyes locked on hers. I was shell shocked and a feeling came over me that I'd never experienced before, and haven't experienced since. It was just pure emotion that I can't describe. It dumbfounded me, to the point where I was standing there, silent, mouth open and staring at her long enough that she thought I didn't recognize her. She said "it's me, K" and I said "I know", and i snapped back into it. We have seen each other several times over the last few years at different alumni functions. I felt like I had moved on. She had her family, I was remarried and had a bigger family. There was nothing outwardly strange after that.
Back to last night. So after she told me about the long-distance call memory, I confessed that my best memory with her was that last weekend I was home before our lives changed paths. That opened up more conversation. After I talked about that last weekend, she told me that she carried that with her and she didn't know if it was real or more of a dream. She told me how much she liked me, but didn't know if I felt the same way. That same old classic tale of unspoken love that never fully comes to fruition. I then said that I wanted to fix something and say something I should've said a long time ago. I said "things are different now, but I love you. I'm sorry I never told you back then. My love may not be defined the same now as it was then, but it's there." She responded with "I've always loved you and always will."
So, I have all this refreshed emotion again. It's not something I plan on acting out on, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. To me it was "let me correct one thing I regret not doing while I have the chance". Was it the right thing to do? That's what I'm not sure about. Keep in mind this all happened less than nine hours ago, so I still really haven't processed it myself. Our lives were different because 20 years ago, both of us felt something, but never said it. Now, I don't know if I ever bring it up again, or reminisce more, or what. What if she's thinking the same thing and neither of us talk about it again, and we both want to. My head is a mess right now. Keep in mind the two of us are both happily married as funny as that sounds. I just don't know how to handle how much I care for K and always, always have. Does this even make sense?
Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest and also get some opinions or insights on it. Anyone have something like this happen? What did you do? What was the result?
Talk away people, just be nice about it.
I don't know if I should give the background first or the what happened. This is long and crazy. I'll just go with the what happened and probably do both at the same time. Last night I was on facebook. I made a post the other day that simply said "what is your best memory with me", and while I was on, I saw a notification that a particular friend, I'll call her K, had commented, then it went away. I was in love with this friend a long time ago, but she didn't really know it. We were good friends, talked for hours on end on the phone after I moved away from home, and we spent nearly every minute together when I did come home for a couple of days.
I messaged her and asked if she made a comment then deleted it, because I wanted to know if her best memory with me was from around that time. She said yes, she did delete it. She then told me she wrote "two hour long-distance phone calls when you were in SC". She took it down because she didn't want to be disrespectful to my wife. She is also married to someone we went to school with. He was the guy she started dating when I stopped calling her back. The reason I stopped calling her back was that I had got a girl pregnant and tried to do the "right thing" by marrying her. Within months of being so in love, I was married to a practical stranger. I did get a wonderful daughter out of it, which I wouldn't trade her for anything, but it was a crap marriage that didn't last long at all. But by then it was too late.
I didn't see K for a couple of years. Then one day, I was back in town and saw her and her family at a parade. She was there with her parents, and her brand new husband. I was there with my very young daughter. I didn't see her at first, but then her dad said, "hey there's David!", I turned to look and immediately, my eyes locked on hers. I was shell shocked and a feeling came over me that I'd never experienced before, and haven't experienced since. It was just pure emotion that I can't describe. It dumbfounded me, to the point where I was standing there, silent, mouth open and staring at her long enough that she thought I didn't recognize her. She said "it's me, K" and I said "I know", and i snapped back into it. We have seen each other several times over the last few years at different alumni functions. I felt like I had moved on. She had her family, I was remarried and had a bigger family. There was nothing outwardly strange after that.
Back to last night. So after she told me about the long-distance call memory, I confessed that my best memory with her was that last weekend I was home before our lives changed paths. That opened up more conversation. After I talked about that last weekend, she told me that she carried that with her and she didn't know if it was real or more of a dream. She told me how much she liked me, but didn't know if I felt the same way. That same old classic tale of unspoken love that never fully comes to fruition. I then said that I wanted to fix something and say something I should've said a long time ago. I said "things are different now, but I love you. I'm sorry I never told you back then. My love may not be defined the same now as it was then, but it's there." She responded with "I've always loved you and always will."
So, I have all this refreshed emotion again. It's not something I plan on acting out on, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. To me it was "let me correct one thing I regret not doing while I have the chance". Was it the right thing to do? That's what I'm not sure about. Keep in mind this all happened less than nine hours ago, so I still really haven't processed it myself. Our lives were different because 20 years ago, both of us felt something, but never said it. Now, I don't know if I ever bring it up again, or reminisce more, or what. What if she's thinking the same thing and neither of us talk about it again, and we both want to. My head is a mess right now. Keep in mind the two of us are both happily married as funny as that sounds. I just don't know how to handle how much I care for K and always, always have. Does this even make sense?
Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest and also get some opinions or insights on it. Anyone have something like this happen? What did you do? What was the result?
Talk away people, just be nice about it.
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Replies
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You both missed your chance. Learn to make peace with it.13
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Well, if you love her, you love her. I think acting on it would certainly break apart both of your families. I guess I'd evaluate if you and K being (potentially) happy together outweighs that cost and the affect on everyone else.
In my opinion, a lot of people have a "one that got away" but if you're both already happily married, why screw with that?4 -
Yeah, gotta make peace with it and go back to living your lives.0
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It’s been 20years. Maybe you two were compatible back then but not now. Nostalgia makes things seem greater than they are.
Or just screw everything and go for it idk.0 -
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You are married with a family. You have made a commitment to the woman who is now your wife. You say you are happily married. You don’t know this woman, after 20 years you will both have changed. You are playing with fire. I recommend you concentrate your efforts on the wife you say you love and the family you have and forget K.4
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you've got a wife, let it go.4
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It's pretty clear that you have one choice: leave your family and pursue true love. Or convince the two of them to enter into an open relationship with you and share parenting duties. Otherwise? Your life will be an endless sea of doubt and regret and wonder and every relationship will suffer as you always have one eye out the window. You will of course have to kill her husband.7
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Tenebrous_D wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »It sounds like you’re looking for permission from strangers to do something that will hurt a lot of people.
Maybe you should share all of this information with your wife and see what she thinks. Maybe she has an old crush too and just doesn’t know how to tell you
That's not true at all. I'm not looking for permission. It's amazing what snippets people want to comment on while ignoring everything else that's been said.
you obviously want some very specific comments that you aren't getting... you might need to tell us what you want to hear right now?2 -
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Tenebrous_D wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »MistressSara wrote: »It sounds like you’re looking for permission from strangers to do something that will hurt a lot of people.
Maybe you should share all of this information with your wife and see what she thinks. Maybe she has an old crush too and just doesn’t know how to tell you
That's not true at all. I'm not looking for permission. It's amazing what snippets people want to comment on while ignoring everything else that's been said.
you obviously want some very specific comments that you aren't getting... you might need to tell us what you want to hear right now?
Not at all. Just looking for words from people with similar experience, not necessarily people preaching to me that have never been in this type of situation.
I'm sorry, i'll rephrase my comment...
I've been in a similar situation. You have a wife, let it go.
that better?7 -
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Okay. I'll be the unjaded voice of romance for a change. It is great that you finally got a chance to express your feelings and have them reciprocated. The feelings stirred up will settle again as time and reality march onwards.4
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You made a commitment to your wife and I believe you should honor that if you truly love her. You were able to finally tell your friend "K" you love her so hopefully that was enough to let her go.
If you do choose to go the other route and tell your wife, you should be prepared for the worst. Worst case scenario being you leave your wife for "K," but "K" stays with her husband. You and your wife end up hurt and alone and your kids are raised in a broken family.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.9 -
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Tenebrous_D wrote: »You guys are awfully cranky. At least the ones that are so eager to answer anyway. I appreciate the feedback, it just doesn't need to be so snide and judgy.
you're new to MFP, aren't you? :laugh:2 -
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I had a similar experience...not so much the one that got away as the one the showed up one promise too late.
I am happily married almost 20 years, 3 kids, yadda yadda. Out of the blue at a random bar, I meet a guy who is recently divorced. Instant connection, instant want to take him to bed (which honestly, I never do), instant in all the universe in all of time and space this is the only guy I have ever wanted and I want him desperately, every inch, every breath, every second I want all of him. It seemed very mutual, and very obvious to anyone who knew me (I have no poker face)...when we left my husband literally said to me "if we weren't married, you would be going home with him tonight"...yes...yes, I totally would...never done that sort of thing before, but I totally would if I were invited...and if I were single and invited to live with him and be totally immersed in his life I totally would even though I never move fast at all in relationships.
It was just instant...we belong together...where have you been all my life...I was looking for you...sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, and sometimes you don't know you were missing a piece of yourself until you find it.
But it doesn't matter, not really, because I'm not single. I made a promise to someone I care deeply about and the only people who can destroy my marriage is my husband or myself. I choose to keep my promise. I would not be me, nor could I sleep at night or respect myself at all, if I willfully failed to keep my word.
The boy and I have an epic friendship. I still get that jolt every single time I see him. I still care deeply about him and I always will, but it will never cross the boundaries of friendship.
Not all love has to be romantic, not even if it could be, friendship is valuable, treasure it.10 -
So, I have all this refreshed emotion again. It's not something I plan on acting out on, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. To me it was "let me correct one thing I regret not doing while I have the chance". Was it the right thing to do? That's what I'm not sure about. Keep in mind this all happened less than nine hours ago, so I still really haven't processed it myself. Our lives were different because 20 years ago, both of us felt something, but never said it. Now, I don't know if I ever bring it up again, or reminisce more, or what. What if she's thinking the same thing and neither of us talk about it again, and we both want to. My head is a mess right now. Keep in mind the two of us are both happily married as funny as that sounds. I just don't know how to handle how much I care for K and always, always have. Does this even make sense?
Talk to your wife about your love for your old friend and desire to rehash it. If you can't bring it up to her then that is a sign there is something not good about all your thinking and reconnecting. Maybe go see a therapist to help work through your emotions instead before doing something.
IMO, If you guys had really had such a deep love you would have gotten together. Something held you back and maybe that was for the best. You made different choices. She made different choices. I would stop reminiscing and discussing what might have been with the person. You are where you are.2 -
Tenebrous_D wrote: »
Does anyone have any advice for how to handle any potential awkwardness when I see her?? I'm not leaving anybody.
Sort of like with confidence, fake it until you make it.
ETA: By that I mean, pretend it isn't awkward until it isn't awkward anymore.3 -
Cassandraw3 wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »
Does anyone have any advice for how to handle any potential awkwardness when I see her?? I'm not leaving anybody.
Sort of like with confidence, fake it until you make it.
ETA: By that I mean, pretend it isn't awkward until it isn't awkward anymore.
i agree, if you are going to see her regularly, you either fake normality or you avoid seeing her again for another 20 years1
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