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I've Been Beating Myself Up

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Warning, this jawn is long.

I wasn't going to post this at all, let alone in success stories, because I'm still so far from where I want to be, and I'm mortified by my new habit of mirror selfies, but.

I've been beating myself up lately. I started this journey in January of 2017. I started it, weirdly enough, because I had a great night. I was with good friends, I met a guy, I drank, I danced, I felt wonderful. When I saw the pictures the next morning, the only thing I used to dread more than a hangover, I saw myself, as overweight as I'd ever been, but smiling like I never smiled. I didn't see a fat girl. I saw someone who deserved to be treated well, and to feel like that, all the time. I'd seen awful pictures of myself for years and years and they never motivated me to treat myself any better; a couple photos of someone who looked and felt beautiful, and I suddenly was brave enough to face the scale and do what I had to do.

For a little over year I was going strong. I started changing my habits, then I started changing my life. I got a job where I was on my feet, I moved back to a city I love, I had a strong network of support, I tried new classes at the gym. I didn't get sick, my skin cleared up, I cleared up a lot of hormonal issues. Every week someone new told me I was shocking them with my weight loss, that I looked great and happy and healthy and confident; people asked for my advice and joined me at the gym and tried diets and foods because I told them I liked them. I signed up for 5ks. I ran three in one summer. Sometimes, it even felt easy; it felt like I'd made life sustaining habits and would keep plowing along.

Then things got scrambled. I quit my active job and took a new desk job. I moved, under pretty stressful circumstances. Still, I got down to my lowest weight, almost to the mythical onederland. It was slow, but I was still going. Then my heart got bruised and I got depressed. I stopped going to classes at the gym, and stopped running regularly. I stopped making time to plan healthy meals and started drinking more again and eating more take out. I indulged myself a lot, and then I started to feel it. The bloating came back. I got terrible colds. The breakouts are as bad as they ever were. My sleep is all wrong. I can barely run five minutes. I went back up 10-15 lbs, depending on the soda and nacho intake the night before. The idea of eating healthy food, let alone cooking healthy food (and doing the dishes) felt almost disgusting. Most of all, I felt disgusting.

I knew it had to stop. I knew I needed to stop acting like human garbage and start being a healthy person again, but it's very, very, very difficult to stop acting like human garbage if you can't stop calling yourself human garbage. Punishing myself has not been working. Moving forward, doing better, reaching the goals I set almost two years ago, that won't happen unless I can remember that girl who deserved to be happy, and doesn't deserve anyone, let alone herself, treating her like and calling her trash.

How you treat yourself and how you feel about yourself are a self-perpetuating cycle. When things started to fall apart, and I started to feel terrible, I stopped doing the things that were good for me, and I started to beat myself up for it. I've been trying to find the motivation to get back on track, get back on the wagon, to stop backsliding, and most of all, to stop beating myself up. The thing that inspired me in the first place was realizing for the first time that I deserved to be treated well, and that no one had more power to treat me well or treat me badly than I had over myself. You can walk away from bad jobs, bad apartments, bad friends, and bad lovers, but you have to live with yourself every instant of every day. Kindness is what makes the good things happen. Self love is a better motivator than any bad photograph.

The photo on the right, February 2017, is a girl who was brave enough and cared about herself enough to start. The girl on the left, September 2018, is a girl who is brave enough and cares about herself enough to forgive herself and keep going. This is a little self motivation to help me with that, and it starts by celebrating success.

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Replies

  • girlwithcurls2
    girlwithcurls2 Posts: 2,182 Member
    You deserve the best you. Think about yourself through those loving eyes that you once did. It's hard when life throws you really big obstacles, but you're stopping this negative freight train and turning it around. Take care of you today. Then take care of you tomorrow. You're worth it. You know that :heart:
  • scalebeater
    scalebeater Posts: 65 Member
    You’re amazing. Thank you for sharing.
  • littlewomensmom
    littlewomensmom Posts: 54 Member
    edited October 2018
    I am right there with you. I lost almost 100 pounds over the course of a year and a half. Felt incredible in so many different ways. Right now- after 30 pounds back on me and I am having a hard time finding my way back. Out of control eating, feeling so powerless to get back on the track that felt SO good. Thanks for posting. All I can do is get up each day and pray not to give up. I dont want to go back
  • HoneyBadger302
    HoneyBadger302 Posts: 1,587 Member
    glennagael wrote: »

    How you treat yourself and how you feel about yourself are a self-perpetuating cycle. When things started to fall apart, and I started to feel terrible, I stopped doing the things that were good for me, and I started to beat myself up for it. I've been trying to find the motivation to get back on track, get back on the wagon, to stop backsliding, and most of all, to stop beating myself up. The thing that inspired me in the first place was realizing for the first time that I deserved to be treated well, and that no one had more power to treat me well or treat me badly than I had over myself. You can walk away from bad jobs, bad apartments, bad friends, and bad lovers, but you have to live with yourself every instant of every day. Kindness is what makes the good things happen. Self love is a better motivator than any bad photograph.

    Thanks for posting this, it really resonates.
  • gettinfitaus
    gettinfitaus Posts: 161 Member
    lbryans929 wrote: »
    Thank you for sharing. I have felt this way, too. There was recently a success story thread on reddit where the man said, "my body is the tool I use to live my life." I find that very motivating.

    oooh that is a great way to think about it all.

  • JessiBelleW
    JessiBelleW Posts: 726 Member
    I think you gotta just pick yourself back up and recommit. What can you buy that you don’t have to cook that will support your healthy eating habits? Soups and salads? Ok you don’t feel like running but could you either meet a friend for a walk or convince yourself to just do 10mins? By the time 10m is up you might feel like doing more.

    It’s totally and utterly a cycle! You eat crap because you are tired so you don’t sleep well and then the next day you feel yuck and tired so you don’t wanna move or eat well. Break the cycle, however you can and move forwards again xx
  • jean133mjg
    jean133mjg Posts: 133 Member
    It's seems just so hard to find that motivation to get back to what we once loved (eating right, exercise and ourselves) but we all have to remember that the things we once loved doing, are for the one we should be loving--ourselves. I'm also trying at this time and find your story motivating. Here's to success.
  • debtay123
    debtay123 Posts: 1,300 Member
    My friend, You can do this- I will be praying and I know you will somehow find the strength and courage to face your demons and conquer them. Good luck!!
  • Kerriann1083
    Kerriann1083 Posts: 54 Member
    Awesome work 👍👍 you look beautiful just the way you are.. keep up the great work 👏 👏 you'll get there!!
  • tinafaye13
    tinafaye13 Posts: 19 Member
    Thanks for posting. I'm right there with you. I got a divorce in 2012, lost close to 75 lbs. Was running and walking all the time. Kept it off for 2 yrs then got in a new relationship. Gained weight back and have been yo-yoing for the past 4 years. I beat myself up all the time. Just got back on the treadmill today. One day at a time.
  • IHaveMyActTogether
    IHaveMyActTogether Posts: 945 Member
    Get over here and give me a hug.
  • glennagael
    glennagael Posts: 84 Member
    @RunningChaplain @Meljoy2018 @littlewomensmom @HoneyBadger155 @lbryans929 @tinafaye13

    Thank you all, and good luck on your journeys! If we get to share success, it's because we also share the struggle. Keep it up, you all are inspiring. Thank you. <3

    @girlwithcurls2 @AJB1014 @dhiammarath @scalebeater @smartaleca @jean133mj @debtay123
    @IHaveMyActTogether

    Thank you for the loveliness! <3

    @gettinfitaus @JessiBelleW

    True, true, and important to hear and remember. Thank you!
  • cizzawizza
    cizzawizza Posts: 69 Member
    Thank you so much for sharing. I really need to stop thinking I'm repulsive. I've been stuck at the same weight for the past year after successful losing 30 lbs. I will try to think better of myself and then I might be able to shift the last 30 lbs. today is a new day and today I have made good choices. X
  • ladyshellbelle
    ladyshellbelle Posts: 99 Member
    Very honest, move on forward now, don't look backwards, your not going in that direction <3