Unsupportive family

AndThenIWoreIt

Her actions are not a reflection on you or your work or your journey. Just one of life’s little tests.

One day you’ll look back and laugh at how anyone could have been so clueless and such an embarrassment to herself.

SunflowerPower15

It sounds like your family is projecting their insecurities on you. It has nothing to do with you. They feel threatened that you are bettering yourself and it makes them feel bad about themselves. Sometimes people hurt others intentionally or unintentionally to feel good about themselves. Please do not take their comments seriously. See it for what it is. Your size should not be an issue to them unless you are so overweight it is affecting your health or so underweight it is affecting your health and they should be supporting you if so.

If your mother gained weight, would you talk to her the way she talks to you (calling her “chubby” and “round”)? Probably not. Therefore you can see that she is just projecting her own insecurities on you. Is moving out on your own an option? Surround yourself with those who support you... even if it is on this site. My family and some friends had never supported me and their comments about me led me into an eating disorder and anorexia the first time I lost weight. The fat jokes thrown at me made me feel I needed to keep losing until I was underweight and all I saw was a “fat” person in the mirror despite being malnourished.

The point I am making is that these comments have everything to do with them and not you. Please don’t let it affect you. It hurts because we feel family should support us and want the best for us, but it is not always the case. Know you are doing well and amazing things to take control of your health ❤️

Evelyn_Gorfram

DaisyHamilton wrote: »

My sister's birthday was this past weekend. I got a second bowl of nachos (for my husband, not even myself) and my step dad asked me "Where do you plan on wearing those?"
I told him to mind his own business and it's not funny. Of course he said "It's funny to me" so I said "Good for you" and walked away. He's always been like that and it sure doesn't help my recovered ED. I know being snarky to someone isn't the right answer, but honestly it helps.

I'm going to step up in defense of snarky remarks. Not just because of my earlier post , but because I have found that they sometimes work for me.

I was brought up to be nice and to not go around insulting people - or at least my mother tried her best.* But I've sometimes found that the thing I'm struggling so hard not to say is the thing that will shut a prickly situation down if I go ahead and say it. In a situation, like the one you had with your stepdad, where someone is trying to make a joke at my expense; turning it around, like you did, and making a joke at that person's expense is one way of standing up for yourself.

One problem with being snarky is thinking up an appropriate snark quickly enough. It's all very well for me to say that "On your head, if you don't shut up," would have been a great response to "Where are you planning on wearing that?," but I would need a time machine and an airplane ticket to be able to deliver it properly.

The bigger difficulty is figuring out - again, in the moment - whether the remark you've just heard was truly meant unkindly. I've been in more than one exchange that went like -
Other Person: "You know there's gluten in that nacho sauce."
Me: "You know there's impoliteness in the air."
Other Person: "Uh, hey look, Elizabeth, I wouldn't have said anything, but your mom did tell me that you're allergic to gluten."
Me: "Oh. -- I'm Evelyn. Elizabeth's my sister, and she is allergic to gluten; and I need to apologize to you for being so rude just now."

(*My mom - and I - are still working on it.)

elisa123gal

You're in Grad school and obviously very intelligent and you have a bright future. Sometimes family and parents can be subconsciously insecure about your achievements. They feel left behind.. and they do unfeeling things to try and maintain some kind of superiority over you.

I don't mean to analyze your mom.. but I bet she's a bit jealous of her beautiful daughter and the bright future she has. Mom tries to bring you down by pushing a few buttons she knows she still can. For now.

I agree that when you move out you'll get the space you need to define new boundaries and redefine the dynamic with your mom.

jryepin93

@elisa123gal thank you for your kind comments! I do think that she is trying to bring me down, intentionally or not.

dani_sc

As some people here have mentioned, often behind unsupportive comments there are people struggling themselves with a weight-related issue, whether it's visible or not. Probably your new behaviour secretly trigged some uncomfortable thoughts and fears in her.

I have a loving and caring 65 years old mother who has spent her entire life eating as little as possible, enjoying her skinny look, fat-shaming everyone and commenting on my fluctuating body weight. I still believe that someone in my situation would have developed a serious eating disorder, and I am glad I've been strong enough to not let her own problems affect me too much.

Whenever she comments on my weight I remind her politely that she eats like a toddler and looks worryingly skinny and so she's not in the position to comment on an adult woman's eating habits with an average weight. I don't mean this in a bad way but it's a good way to remind anyone, regardless of your close relationship to them, that they don't have the right to be nasty to you, and that they should probably think of their own ongoing issues.

zyxst

Me, I would start picking at her weak spot like she does with your weight/body. When she snipes about your weight or food choices, throw in her face about her hair or clothes or make-up. I've generally found the people who like to pushes other's buttons don't like it when their buttons get pushed. I am a b*tch though.

Kimmotion5783

I am so sorry to hear that your family is so unsupportive of your weight loss goals. I know how hurtful words can be, especially from family members. Mine have always wanted me to lose weight, but the way they went about it (criticizing and making fun of me) was mean and hurtful. I'll never forget one time I was driving in the car with my aunt and she asked me why I was wearing jeans in the middle of summer. I just feel more comfortable in jeans. She says: "is it because your legs are too white or you're too fat for shorts?!" And then she laughed. That was only one of a series of hurtful comments she's made to me throughout the years. The irony of the situation: I've lost 125 pounds and she's my old weight! Karma is a beeyotch!

Snowflake1968

DaisyHamilton wrote: »

My sister's birthday was this past weekend. I got a second bowl of nachos (for my husband, not even myself) and my step dad asked me "Where do you plan on wearing those?"
I told him to mind his own business and it's not funny. Of course he said "It's funny to me" so I said "Good for you" and walked away. He's always been like that and it sure doesn't help my recovered ED. I know being snarky to someone isn't the right answer, but honestly it helps.

You were nicer than I would have been telling him to mind his own business! I don't understand how people can be that cruel to another human let alone a family member.