Parties and weight loss

Kimmotion5783

Ever since I have lost all this weight, something strange happened: I went from people telling me to stay away from the sweets at parties to practically begging me to have a piece of cake with them.

Last time I went to church, a lady literally yelled at me to stay and have some cake. She actually yelled at me, true story. I was mortified and quickly left.

This morning, I attended a coworker friend's birthday party at work and when I got the usual "Oh won't you please have some cake?" I politely declined. Another coworker then guilt-tripped me in front of everyone by saying "You're making the rest of us feel bad". Seriously!?! I took some fruit just to shut them up. It was so unfair and completely judgmental of her to say that. I didn't decline cake to make people feel bad, I'm just trying to hit my mini goal of being out of my obesity range by Thanksgiving. I'm only 13 pounds away, not going to sabotage it for a piece of birthday cake. If it weren't for that reason, I'd just eat the damn cake. It's just so rude of people to say stuff like that and pressure you into eating crap when you don't want to. This is why I avoid office parties! Like if you offer someone cake and they say "no thank you", then just be like "okay, it's there if you want it, just help yourself" and back off. You don't guilt people into it. Maybe there's a reason they're saying no, so just realize it's not all about you.

Anyway, when I was obese, people actually told me to my face "oh girl, you don't need to eat that. You don't need cake." No really, someone actually said that to me.

Now I have people telling me to have some cake when I DEFINITELY don't need or want any, and they're being rude about it. The irony isn't lost on me. I'm starting to hate office parties because of this.

88olds

“You're making the rest of us feel bad"

That’s a new low. I’ve never heard that before. More evidence that in weight loss, we are on our own. We are better off in our own heads, in our own bubble. Sad but true.

But this-

“oh girl, you don’t need to eat that”

Maybe rethink that one. That person was trying to help you. Rare. Very rare.

Kimmotion5783

So I'm just wondering if anyone out there has been through anything like this where you politely say no to foods you know will throw you off course and someone guilt tripped you and/or made you feel bad about it? How did you handle that situation? What did you do?

jryepin93

I can sympathize. I literally had fried tell me "I wasn't as fun anymore" because I'm making healthier choices and won't slam a double cheeseburger and two orders of fries after a night of going out (I only slam a single cheeseburger now!!). It's very frustrating, but usually, when someone is criticizing you they're projecting their own insecurities on to you.

Kimmotion5783

If it wasn't for this stupid effing obesity, things would be fine and normal! (sorry, but the whole office party thing got me super upset. It was really embarassing!)

kami3006

Perfect example of gaslighting. They're trying to make you take the blame for their actions.

Sorry you have to deal with this. It's unfortunately all too common.

Congrats on you progress!

kimny72

I have never been obese, but I often experience the same thing. People trying to push treats on me because "you're so skinny you don't have to worry about it" or telling me I'm making everyone else look bad by saying no. And I've never actually been skinny either, just in comparison I guess. Anyway, I worked in one office where deciding not to indulge always caused a scene. So i would take a plate with a piece of cake and stand around holding it for a few minutes, then find a moment when no one was looking, put it back on the table and go back to my desk. Or I'd look for a napkin someone dropped or a smear of icing on the table that needed cleaning up, put the piece of cake down to clean up, then just walk out. And if anyone asked, I'd say I already had a piece and it was delicious but now I'm stuffed. I felt ridiculous having to act this out, but it was still easier than the drama. I also naturally go out of my way to avoid conflict too, for better or worse

I would try putting up with it for a little while, maybe throw in that you ate a huge lunch and you're stuffed, or you know your hubby picked up dessert for tonight and you need to save room, or something like that. Sometimes people just need to get used to the fact that this is the choice you're making now and then they stop making a big deal out of it. Try not to get mad at them though (at least if they are otherwise good co-workers) - people get very set in their ways and assumptions and it can be hard for them to let them go, especially when it makes them reflect on their own choices. I always try to go with sympathy for them rather than hurt feelings. :drinker:

cmriverside

Kimmotion5783 wrote: »

So I'm just wondering if anyone out there has been through anything like this where you politely say no to foods you know will throw you off course and someone guilt tripped you and/or made you feel bad about it? How did you handle that situation? What did you do?

Of course. This stuff happens all the time.

First rule of life: No one makes me feel bad without my permission.

Second rule: Some people are sicker than others.

Thirdly: People have feet of clay. They are who they are. What they say says little about me and everything about themselves.



Stay in your own story. Just do you, boo.

bigbandjohn

I understand. I'm starting to get into that weight class. I still have 34 lbs to go and people tell me to "go ahead, have some...". There is a compromise solution. If you have calories, take a very thin slice. Something that equates to a couple bites, or a small taste. You can be "with the crowd" without overeating. Or, if they really insist on giving you a larger piece, take a bite and throw the rest out when no one is looking. Or, take it, say you'll enjoy it later, bring it to your desk, and get rid of it later. This is of course, based on if you are ok with resisting temptation that close at hand.

Or, if you really want/need to avoid it altogether (and can't handle the temptation), tell them "I need to avoid sugar right now because...." I'll leave the remainder up to you. As long as you are avoiding sugar overall, it shouldn't be an issue. If you are/were (pre-)diabetic, they would have to back off as well. Then it's medical.

You are doing excellent. Don't let the fools bring you down.

Xerogs

bigbandjohn wrote: »

I understand. I'm starting to get into that weight class. I still have 34 lbs to go and people tell me to "go ahead, have some...". There is a compromise solution. If you have calories, take a very thin slice. Something that equates to a couple bites, or a small taste. You can be "with the crowd" without overeating. Or, if they really insist on giving you a larger piece, take a bite and throw the rest out when no one is looking. Or, take it, say you'll enjoy it later, bring it to your desk, and get rid of it later. This is of course, based on if you are ok with resisting temptation that close at hand.

Or, if you really want/need to avoid it altogether (and can't handle the temptation), tell them "I need to avoid sugar right now because...." I'll leave the remainder up to you. As long as you are avoiding sugar overall, it shouldn't be an issue. If you are/were (pre-)diabetic, they would have to back off as well. Then it's medical.

You are doing excellent. Don't let the fools bring you down.

Yeah I get "Well you don't eat like that all the time so once in a while its OK" the person telling me that eats badly most of the time but probably thinks they only do it once in a while. I just don't let it get to me. When people say things like that it is more about them than you.

cmriverside

So, for solutions:

Just repeat your,"No, thanks." I find that's all that needs to be said. If someone persists, I look them right in the eye and say (without smiling,) "No. Thanks." If they have more to say, I would ask, "Why does it bother you that I don't want any?"

That has never failed to work. Usually they just don't answer.

I think it's just being hospitable to offer food. Don't look at it as a sabotage. That's on you.

Running2Fit

I will never understand why people feel the need to comment on what others are eating. Just mind your business! My brother-in-law is always commenting on what I eat and it drives me nuts!! Thankfully, I only see him once or twice a year for holidays.

I’ll also never understand why any of my food choices would make someone feel bad. I’ve never, ever felt that way about what others are eating and it’s mind boggling to me. Like, if it bothers you that much you don’t have to eat the cake. Don’t try to force me to eat so you can feel better about your decisions.

88olds

I’ve always been amazed at this- when I was 285 lbs, 1 person, exactly 1, said something to the effect that maybe I ought to lose a bit of weight before I seriously hurt myself. My best friend said that.

But once I started to lose weight, it seemed like EVERYBODY had something to say about my weight, what I was eating and what I wasn’t eating. Mostly snide remarks.

ata1anta

I got the "you're making us look bad" last week. they had deposited a dessert tray in the kitchenette with cookies and fruit. I grabbed a banana. One of the guys nomming cookies said I was making them look bad - though I knew he was making a joke about it.

Kimmotion5783

lizcarpenter146 wrote: »

I will never understand why people feel the need to comment on what others are eating. Just mind your business! My brother-in-law is always commenting on what I eat and it drives me nuts!! Thankfully, I only see him once or twice a year for holidays.

I’ll also never understand why any of my food choices would make someone feel bad. I’ve never, ever felt that way about what others are eating and it’s mind boggling to me. Like, if it bothers you that much you don’t have to eat the cake. Don’t try to force me to eat so you can feel better about your decisions.

I know, right!?! I just don't get why what I eat matters so much to people. Gee, maybe if they're paying that much attention to what I eat, why don't I just do a whole healthy cooking class for them while we're at it? You know, show 'em how it's done! (I would do it, too! LOL) It's seriously mind boggling to me too. The only time I ever cared about what's on someone else's plate is when I waiter passed me with someone else's supper and I thought "that smells good! think I'll get that." We're not over here trying to judge anybody for eating cake, there's nothing wrong with cake. I just can't do it right now because I'm trying to lose the 13 pounds to get me out of obesity by Thanksgiving. If it weren't for that, I would have just eaten cake, forgiven myself and said "tomorrow's a new day." But some people just gotta make everything about them.

If I had a penny for every time someone said "you're making me feel guilty" due to my food choices, I'd own the bank.

Kimmotion5783

88olds wrote: »

I’ve always been amazed at this- when I was 285 lbs, 1 person, exactly 1, said something to the effect that maybe I ought to lose a bit of weight before I seriously hurt myself. My best friend said that.

But once I started to lose weight, it seemed like EVERYBODY had something to say about my weight, what I was eating and what I wasn’t eating. Mostly snide remarks.

I am so sorry to hear that your bestie said that to you. That's just awful! People think they're being supportive and encouraging when they say stuff like that to somebody, but it just ends up making the receiving person feel ten times worse. If snide comments and criticisms were a viable method for weight loss, we'd all be a size 2.

Kimmotion5783

Xerogs wrote: »

bigbandjohn wrote: »

I understand. I'm starting to get into that weight class. I still have 34 lbs to go and people tell me to "go ahead, have some...". There is a compromise solution. If you have calories, take a very thin slice. Something that equates to a couple bites, or a small taste. You can be "with the crowd" without overeating. Or, if they really insist on giving you a larger piece, take a bite and throw the rest out when no one is looking. Or, take it, say you'll enjoy it later, bring it to your desk, and get rid of it later. This is of course, based on if you are ok with resisting temptation that close at hand.

Or, if you really want/need to avoid it altogether (and can't handle the temptation), tell them "I need to avoid sugar right now because...." I'll leave the remainder up to you. As long as you are avoiding sugar overall, it shouldn't be an issue. If you are/were (pre-)diabetic, they would have to back off as well. Then it's medical.

You are doing excellent. Don't let the fools bring you down.

Yeah I get "Well you don't eat like that all the time so once in a while its OK" the person telling me that eats badly most of the time but probably thinks they only do it once in a while. I just don't let it get to me. When people say things like that it is more about them than you.

I admit I used to be one of those people. I love to bake and cook. Back when I was obese, I used to bake cakes and such all the time to the point where it annoyed people and would say things like that to my coworkers: "Oh it's just one treat" or "we don't do this all that often".

If I'm being completely honest, it almost feels like karma has come back around to bite me in the rear. I'm now one of those people having to constantly say no to sweets and fend off pushy people at work.

ACanadian22

True story here. I don't like cake. I never have even when I was super skinny.
Don't ever eat something you don't want to because of pressure. It is like a drunk person begging you to drink when you don't want to. Walk away. They need no explanation.
btw...You look great

shunggie

You are not making them feel anything. You are taking care of yourself, if they feel "bad" that is their own perception. Being snarky like I am, I would have to say something along the lines of "I'm not making you feel bad- it's all that sugar that's doing it. In fact, that is why I'm not having cake. I don't want sugar to rule my life". Say it with a smile in your voice and a wink! People are rude.

The one I hear is hey- you've been exercising so much I'm sure you can afford one piece.

MikePTY

As someone who rarely attends social gatherings, I can avoid this problem. So suggestion number 1 is to become a hermit.

But assuming the hermit life isn't for you, and you want to still keep up human interaction, I recommend just a firm, but polite no thank you. Even if they keep harping on it, don't give ground. People are easily distracted and will move onto something else quickly.

Saffyra

It's easier to take the cake and toss it.

It's even easier if you offer to be the one passing it out. That way you're included in the gathering (not off to the side with nothing in your hands) and you never have to give yourself cake. You also have the chance to let someone else say no with no repercussions. Some hosts just feel like they're not doing a good job if everyone isn't enjoying the current stage of the party.

You should be able to say "no" and have your answer respected but in social situations the only person you can count on for predictability is yourself. Although within my family, they're predictable enough i just take the cake because it's easier to plop it in the trash than argue.

Kimmotion5783

Thanks everyone for all your input and words of encouragement, they definitely help. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one this happens to. It's just so crazy to me how differently people treat you when you lose weight. Complete 180 flip flop on attitude and viewpoints (from other people).

Kind of a funny story: my aunt used to make all these horrible snide comments to me about my weight. She said some real humdingers to me over the years. Now I've lost all this weight and she looks like my old obese self. I'm respectful to her, of course, because I know how it feels. But nowadays she turns all those snarky comments on herself and goes "Kim, I think you lost all that weight and gave it to me!" I reply: "Merry Christmas!"
Do I look smug? I feel smug, lol.

hesn92

I'm not sure if I've ever had someone have much of a reaction to me declining a piece of cake except my grandma. I hear comments like "you're making us look bad" but I don't see that as a reason to be upset. I'd just chuckle and that's about it. I would just repeat "no thanks" "I'm not hungry" "I had a big lunch" etc if it's people you don't know that well you can say "I don't care for sweets." That makes them shut up. They aren't going to keep trying to get someone to eat cake if they don't like cake.

Kimmotion5783

kimny72 wrote: »

I have never been obese, but I often experience the same thing. People trying to push treats on me because "you're so skinny you don't have to worry about it" or telling me I'm making everyone else look bad by saying no. And I've never actually been skinny either, just in comparison I guess. Anyway, I worked in one office where deciding not to indulge always caused a scene. So i would take a plate with a piece of cake and stand around holding it for a few minutes, then find a moment when no one was looking, put it back on the table and go back to my desk. Or I'd look for a napkin someone dropped or a smear of icing on the table that needed cleaning up, put the piece of cake down to clean up, then just walk out. And if anyone asked, I'd say I already had a piece and it was delicious but now I'm stuffed. I felt ridiculous having to act this out, but it was still easier than the drama. I also naturally go out of my way to avoid conflict too, for better or worse

I would try putting up with it for a little while, maybe throw in that you ate a huge lunch and you're stuffed, or you know your hubby picked up dessert for tonight and you need to save room, or something like that. Sometimes people just need to get used to the fact that this is the choice you're making now and then they stop making a big deal out of it. Try not to get mad at them though (at least if they are otherwise good co-workers) - people get very set in their ways and assumptions and it can be hard for them to let them go, especially when it makes them reflect on their own choices. I always try to go with sympathy for them rather than hurt feelings. :drinker:

I've heard of and seen people doing that to other people. Again, blows my mind. Since when is it anyone's business what you eat and how much you weigh?! That's up to that person whether we like it or not. I might just have to try the whole acting thing. I hate to resort to that, but that's what it's come down to. Isn't it just ridiculous?! I honestly can't believe people care that much about what other people eat.

Kimmotion5783

88olds wrote: »

“You're making the rest of us feel bad"

That’s a new low. I’ve never heard that before. More evidence that in weight loss, we are on our own. We are better off in our own heads, in our own bubble. Sad but true.

But this-

“oh girl, you don’t need to eat that”

Maybe rethink that one. That person was trying to help you. Rare. Very rare.

Ehhh, it's one of those things where she thought she was helping, but it was very hurtful and rude how she said it. I mean, it was none of her business what I ate.

Kimmotion5783

"You're making the rest of us feel bad". Just got me so incensed. However, there's a bright side to this: normally, I'm an emotional eater and this would have had me binge-eating for sure. For the the first time ever, I'm so emotional right now and I don't want to eat. In fact, if I could, I would head to the gym to work out. Wow. This is actually a big win!

Kimmotion5783

My coworkers today:




My coworkers tomorrow:

RunsWithBees

Just politely decline and if they keep insisting, proceed to explain to them how you have already pre-logged your calories then continue telling them all about the fascinating world of CICO... I’m pretty sure they will turn away quickly and never offer you another piece of cake again because nobody wants to hear all about CICO

Kimmotion5783

monkeefan1974 wrote: »

Just politely decline and if they keep insisting, proceed to explain to them how you have already pre-logged your calories then continue telling them all about the fascinating world of CICO... I’m pretty sure they will turn away quickly and never offer you another piece of cake again because nobody wants to hear all about CICO

Forgive me, but what's CICO?

cmriverside

Kimmotion5783 wrote: »

monkeefan1974 wrote: »

Just politely decline and if they keep insisting, proceed to explain to them how you have already pre-logged your calories then continue telling them all about the fascinating world of CICO... I’m pretty sure they will turn away quickly and never offer you another piece of cake again because nobody wants to hear all about CICO

Forgive me, but what's CICO?

Calories in Calories out.

bigbandjohn

Kimmotion5783 wrote: »

"You're making the rest of us feel bad". Just got me so incensed. However, there's a bright side to this: normally, I'm an emotional eater and this would have had me binge-eating for sure. For the the first time ever, I'm so emotional right now and I don't want to eat. In fact, if I could, I would head to the gym to work out. Wow. This is actually a big win!

AWESOME! CONGRATS! THAT'S the right way to think!