My family stresses me out.

Psychgrrl

SicklyMixed wrote: »

But instead I keep eating. Every time I wake up it's a cookie or fries or a wrap. I'm not even hungry I just have to put food in my mouth. I feel so out of control over the stress.

Please try and find another coping mechanism other than eating. All you’re doing is punishing your body for the things he is doing. You don’t have any control over him and his decisions. You do have control over how you respond to the stress in your life.

It sounds like the “family fantasy” you have of all of you camping together and hanging out together is just that—a fantasy. Pleas consider letting go of that and realize you can’t make that come true on your own. He needs to respect himself and you enough to take responsibility. Nobody’s perfect, but it doesn’t sound like he’s really trying. And the you’re taking out your frustrations on yourself.

CharlieBeansmomTracey

find something to take your frustrations out on. like maybe a punching bag or something. something that wont hurt you and you cant break instead of eating. you get a workout in and get rid of the frustration too.

2020yesyouwill2020

countcurt wrote: »

SicklyMixed wrote: »

I need to go on and on.... But I shouldn't

Actually, instead of 'on and on' you might try Al-Anon.

Or anything that will allow you to figure out a healthier way to manage this relationship. Because [almost] worse than the harm you are doing to yourself is the harm you are doing to him by allowing him to avoid having to become responsible for his actions.

Doing this would also force you to examine why you feel it's so important to infantalize him by facilitating his bad behaviors. I should warn you that this could be painful. As could the consequence of changing.

Your other option is to continue with things the way they are. Which may be the decision you make. But, then, having made that decision, best to live with it and stop complaining about it.

I've looked into acoa meetings several times and you're right, actually going would be painful, and then to discuss it with people and cry in front of strangers.... Then to have them offer consolence is really intimidating and uncomfortable. Way easier to reach out to a bunch of online people. But my schedule is pretty freed up. I guess I could do just to listen.

2020yesyouwill2020

Thank you off for talking to me. It helps so much. Today is the first day that I think I can go back to functioning normally.

TavistockToad

SicklyMixed wrote: »

And the eating makes it a snow ball. I struggle with the want to purge but it's been years since I've done that. I just need to find another sitter, pay what I must, and then literally watch my brother lose his job. *kitten* *kitten*.

whether your brother has a job or not is not your responsibility... he is not your responsibility.

2020yesyouwill2020

He went to work today by the way so I'm way less stressed. It's not my fault if he loses his job. It's irritating that he went to work because it means I wasn't his only option, which in my head is internalized as he chose to use me. Chose to abuse my kindness. Or maybe this whole thing was in my head to begin with and he never needed my help to begin with. Either way good riddance. Glad he's making it to work. Happier that it doesn't involve me. Now time to train my brain to quit writing about him and stay in my own business.

2020yesyouwill2020

Worrying*

countcurt

SicklyMixed wrote: »

I've looked into acoa meetings several times and you're right, actually going would be painful, and then to discuss it with people and cry in front of strangers.... Then to have them offer consolence is really intimidating and uncomfortable. Way easier to reach out to a bunch of online people. But my schedule is pretty freed up. I guess I could do just to listen.

Sadly, I think you missed the point. If groups like Al-Anon or other ACOA support groups aren't your thing, there are other avenues where you can get the help you seem to need. Individual counseling (with a cognitive behavioral approach) is just one example. And, while it's great that brother doesn't seem to be putting too many demands on you right now, your description of the situation gives no basis for assuming this pattern won't continue to repeat itself over and over and over again.

You can determine your past. But, in many ways, we do determine our futures.

2020yesyouwill2020

No I think I understood you well. When I wrote discuss it I meant the painful memories of living with an alcoholic parent and working through the lasting effects that had on me. Am I wrong? I did not mean the stuff with my brother. Each day I'm separating my mentality from that issue and each day my guilt and sadness are receding.

2020yesyouwill2020

Sorry I've written a response nearly three times on my phone only to have it back out of the thread and eat it. I just wanted to add that I appreciate everyone's advice and seek to fully understand it. I'm not being rude if I ask you to explain yourself, I am genuinely wanting to understand.

Two years back I was actually thriving. I was losing weight, going to the gym as often as I could, spending most of my day there when I was off and while my son attended school. I had so much spare time it made me anxious at first, just sitting around, caught up on my chores and I realized I was getting closer to my goal of who I wanted to be. I hadnt learned how to manage stress but I had wildly cut down on it.( I had cut off contact with my dad, and at this time I was not talking to my brother. I had washed my hands of him years before when he assaulted my ex the first go around that we offered to let him and his wife move in. I fought with my dad a lot, about my brother and my decisions not to allow him to freeload off of me, about my father's anger and his words while he is angry. I got tired of feeling like crap so I cute these people out of my life. Which was very hard because after losing a parent I became very fearful of being alone, and snipping two people from my life felt very lonely.)
And it was wild to actually be happy. I realized in my whole life I had not been this happy for this long. The amount of consistency was exactly what I had hoped for. I felt like such a real adult. There was no yelling, no crying, no fights. I had considered counseling and attending meetings before but I was so happy that I put it off. When I took on the extra responsibility with my brother I visited my doctor and tried stress medication. (did not help at all, but I want to show that I am making and have always made an attempt to get myself under control.)

I have realized on my own I will never be top of my game with my brother and father in my life. When I mentioned to my dad my plans to attend an AA meeting I'm unsure if he understood why. I haven't had an issue with alcohol since my ex and I split two and a half years ago. Its easy for me to decline alcohol or control my intake when I dont have someone pouring me shot after shot. His response was AA is for whiners and a crutch for my problems and that he never got anything from it. (he's never been an alcoholic to my knowledge and I bet has only been to a few meetings if that so I cant really dissect what he meant by his statement but it did not seem encouraging or helpful.) I'm not sure what problems I must have to him, but I know I've confided in him that while I was with my ex I was suicidal, self harmed and self medicated. Actions I absolutely refrain from now, though with my brother being here it gets harder each time but I am still in control.

Ahhh admitting all of this feels great but I clearly need to direct all of this to a counselor. I know that. I will get there. I will go to therapy. Ive said it every year for the last 3 so this year I will go. Going to a few meetings of AA and al-anon will help until I get to where I am comfortable committing to a therapist.

Again, thank you all for listening and responding. This has been insightful and made a real difference in my life to have people I can speak to and learn from.

2020yesyouwill2020

Went to AA. It was okay. It was painful, but was nice to relive something I've swept into the deep and tried to forget about. Definitely going back. Next week it will be al anon. If anyone is on the edge of attending, just go. The people were friendly and it made me happy to see so many people trying to stop their drinking problem, or so many who succeeded.

rheddmobile

SicklyMixed wrote: »

I got tired of feeling like crap so I cute these people out of my life. Which was very hard because after losing a parent I became very fearful of being alone, and snipping two people from my life felt very lonely.)

Yep, I hear you. The problem with cutting toxic parents out of your life is that when you do it, nobody issues you a new set of parents! It just doesn't seem fair.

PAFC84

Stop bailing him out. You are just enabling his poor decisions and are becoming part of the problem.

Find someone to look after your kid other than your brother because it sounds to me as if you are using that as an excuse for why you need to keep him in your life. I suspect the real reason why you want your brother in your life is because you love him and you want the dream "ending" but you can still love someone and not have them around.

Accept the reality as it is atm-you don't have the sort of relationship with your brother that you'd like and tbh, there is a good chance that you never will; life will go on regardless and you will be fine.

Just go concentrate on you and your kid-those are your only two responsibilities in life. Everyone else will have to learn to look after themselves.

2020yesyouwill2020

rheddmobile wrote: »

Yep, I hear you. The problem with cutting toxic parents out of your life is that when you do it, nobody issues you a new set of parents! It just doesn't seem fair.

I'm only where I'm at right now because of the women in my life who looked at me and saw something other than a whiner. They lifted me up by watching my so when I was at work, treating me to home cooked meals, and listening to my woes. I just needed someone who was on my side.

My dad came back the next day and said a very positive and helpful comment, I'm not sure what made him say something so unlike him. His first response about me attending meetings basically brushed it off as stupid, and that my issue with my brother was small, which left me feeling hopeless and unheard or comforted. The next day he wrote that basically I matter and I am entitled to my feelings and they deserve to be heard. That I'm allowed to be happy even if the people around me aren't. So, that was insightful and unlike him and really helped me move on. It felt like a huge burden to cut out my brother but today I'm good. Haven't heard from him, guess he's still going to work.

CharlieBeansmomTracey

SicklyMixed wrote: »

rheddmobile wrote: »

Yep, I hear you. The problem with cutting toxic parents out of your life is that when you do it, nobody issues you a new set of parents! It just doesn't seem fair.

I'm only where I'm at right now because of the women in my life who looked at me and saw something other than a whiner. They lifted me up by watching my so when I was at work, treating me to home cooked meals, and listening to my woes. I just needed someone who was on my side.

My dad came back the next day and said a very positive and helpful comment, I'm not sure what made him say something so unlike him. His first response about me attending meetings basically brushed it off as stupid, and that my issue with my brother was small, which left me feeling hopeless and unheard or comforted. The next day he wrote that basically I matter and I am entitled to my feelings and they deserve to be heard. That I'm allowed to be happy even if the people around me aren't. So, that was insightful and unlike him and really helped me move on. It felt like a huge burden to cut out my brother but today I'm good. Haven't heard from him, guess he's still going to work.

the thing is these people need to learn that you dont need their approval on how to feel or anything else. let your brother do this to your dad and see how he likes it.if he finds meetings stupid thats his OPINION and hes entitled it but should be supportive if you want to go to them no matter what he thinks. The issues with your brother are not nor were they small. But since you are getting things on track like I said you do you! do whats good for you and your son. you and your son come first before anyone else. if they dont like it then can lump it.

ladythayne

I have a bro like that. He lies so much my kids started calling him uncle walt (as in walt disney and his fairytales). I recently drew the line. If you don't set boundries he can't respect them. Just keep an eye on the kids and keep your distance from him for a bit. He can't grow up if you still baby him.

Hope it all works out.

Now if only I could apply my own advice to my mother LOL not as easy to deal with as my brother but instead of eating when I get upset and can't vent I now workout. Burns of calories, frustration and makes me stronger for the next time.

2020yesyouwill2020

I'm going to the gym now as I signed up for a membership this month. I almost invited my brother to the 14 day free trial since we used to work out together years ago but decided I wasn't ready to pretend like we were friends.
Not only did he go behind my back, but he didn't even invite me to a wedding or ket me celebrate it with him. That kinda hurt. I wish we could just do things normally. I would have advised him not to do it, told him I was cutting my help, but we could have discussed it without drama and anger. He just expected me again to pick up any loose ends of his actions. He flaunts that I have a choice but outs me in a hard spot. The narrative to me is, "I am suffering, you can choose not to help me but look, I have X problem because of my actions and I need your help. You don't have to help." and then he waits for my guilt to set in.
It's mostly over now. My weight loss has resumed as I can focus on the gym more and CICO. 198.2lbs today.
Tomorrow I'm going to al-anon and have a fitness assessment at my gym so big day. Thanks for all of the support.
I hope you learn to draw the boundaries I should have years ago. I'm putting it all in God's hands.

countcurt

Hang in there. It’s not surprising, given what you’ve posted, that you have family members who would discourage you from doing things (like attending Al-Anon or AA) that might help you find your exit strategy from the current situation.

I have a friend who used to say that learning to stop ‘stuffing her face’ meant first having to learn to ‘face her stuff.’ IT’s not an easy process, and it’s a process that comes in fits and starts, but sounds like you have at least gotten started.

michael1976_ca

I'm seacond oldest of 5 kids. My siblings drive me up the wall. At times but what can i do. There not worth me getting angry any more. I'm so much more at peace

2020yesyouwill2020

Today he asked for a favor. I said call a tow truck or pay me but don't ask me for any more favors. He retorted with he's sending his children back to stay with their mother. The same mother who has been homeless and living in the street since we, my fiance and I, drove down to get them 2 years ago. I knew it would come to this. It's still painful to know they are being sent into *kitten*.